Here’s a scenario for you: Hanley Ramirez and Carlos Gonzalez get onto a plane. Knowing their inability to stay healthy, you A) Get off the plane. B) Purposely get yourself thrown off the plane by calling the male flight attendant, Mr. Stewardess, and asking him if he’s the pimp for the female stewardesses and if you could have a multi-person shag in the lavatory. C) There’s no C. Any of the above answers would work, even C and there wasn’t a C. CarGo can’t stay healthy and Hanley doesn’t seem to want to. If you count 145 games played as a full season, CarGo’s played one full season. This year, he might not play in 71 games and he’s at 70. Yes, he could be done for the year. Yes, it’s bad news with CarGo. Freight so. Even if he plays again, he has 11 homers and 3 steals in 70 games. Yunel Escobar looks at that and talks to a trademark attorney. It’s gonna be fun next year hearing people draft CarGo while they say, “I just need him to stay healthy for 120 games.” Those people are called delusional. As for Hanley, he’s supposed to return as soon as his DL stint is over, and he should as long as he doesn’t have to play hard in a rehab assignment. That would be impossible for him even if healthy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. See, told you he didn’t retire. Walt Weiss is only playing him like he did.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer as he hit leadoff. Prolly won’t last though, can’t keep a good Blackmon down.
Joe Nathan – After his 6th blown save on Saturday, Ausmus said he was sticking with Nathan as the closer. At this point, Nathan should see how much he can get away with and still retain the job. Ya know, make a game out of it. Maybe throw a few pitches then turn and chuck a pitch at Ausmus’s head. Maybe take the mound in jorts. Maybe have a pizza delivered mid-inning by Ellen. Since Nathan had been used too much recently, Joba Chamberlain got the save opp on Sunday and promptly blew it, cause he can’t handle the job(a). Mean’s while, Soria hit the DL with a strained muscle. Seriously, no Joakim.
Anibal Sanchez – Out for a month with a pectoral strain. He was looking at the Iowa corn fields on a Nova TV special about grazing and kept straining– *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out that’s pastoral, not pectoral. Let’s just say I flamboyantly told you on the repeat button to sell Anibal for a few weeks prior, so no one has him anyhow. If someone you know has him, you can tell them to drop him.
Torii Hunter -4-for-9, 1 run. Batting him twice in the order paid off!
Rajai Davis – 0-for-8. Not him.
Mark Buehrle – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Looking like his historical self that helped coined the glossary term remarkbuehrle, and less like unremarkbuehrle as he was in the beginning of the season.
Jose Reyes – 4-for-9, 2 RBIs. This was the 2nd 19-inning game in two days in the major leagues (Angels/Sawx went 19 on Saturday). I have a comment for MLB’s suggestion box. After the 2nd nine innings of a game, they should broadcast at a lower frame rate with the background music of Yakety Sax.
Marcus Stroman – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I look forward to drafting you next year as my number two and having you be my ace.
Andrelton Simmons – Could return from his ankle injury on Tuesday. He said, “I will steal your nuclear codes, earthlings. And play ball! Yes, that too!”
Alex Wood – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks in 124 pitches. Actually, he only pitched six innings, but Fredi called Wood in to relieve Wood because he forgot if he was trying to ruin his arm by moving him back and forth to the bullpen or just throwing him for way too many pitches. Either, mission accomplished!
Michael Taylor – Nats called him up to backup the outfield. In the minors, he had 22 homers, 35 steals and hit around .350. Whoa, Sexy Beast and other weird Ben Kingsley-as-masculine-men scenarios, those Taylor numbers are Engorge Statusmaticulitis. Unfortch, he may only be up for a few days. Worth looking at in NL-Only leagues for now, but his playing time looks iffy.
Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks. If you can’t trust Gio to start, push him out of your garage.
Nick Swisher – Hit the DL. Too bad, so sad. The Indians called up Zach Walters! I’m not 100% where he’s going to play. Could be DH, could be all around the infield, could be in the backseat of a jeep where he swings an episode. He even played outfield yesterday. Doode’s versatile like pound cake! His power has been proven in the minors — 29 homers last year, 20 homers this year between Triple-A and the majors. He might hit .220, but those in deep leagues that covet the long salami with extra booya, I’d look at grabbing him for the short-term, at least.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. This game was against the Yankees, but it could also be said that the Yankees were scouting Kluber, trying to decide if they want to give him $150 million for 3 or 4 years.
Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks. He had to get pulled after 77 pitches because he’s not stretched out enough. That also rules out Carrasco spending his nights fighting crime as Plastic Man.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (30). He’s still on the spectrum of proving me wrong or right by calling him overrated in the preseason. He definitely wasn’t worth a first round pick, but he also hasn’t been anywhere close to a bust. I ranked him 13th overall for outfielders in the preseason and, on Player Rater, he’s ranked 15th for OFs. Kind of a push at this point, which gives me the yawns. This was a fun blurb. Maybe we can put it in a time capsule with a CD of Ini Kamoze.
Joe Mauer – Will be activated today. Was out a while, but for those that have forgotten, through 76 games this year, he was on pace for 5 homers and a .270 season. That should not be taken lightly. Or taken at all.
Trevor May – 2 IP, 4 ER, 7 walks, 10 baserunners, Zero Ks. Twins promoted him for his first major league start on Saturday, hoping on the weekend they could sneak one past the gate of The Twins Can’t Have Anything Nice. No such luck.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer and stole his 19th homer on Saturday. It’s not the days of wine and roses for middle infielders. More like whine and hold your noses, so even though Dozier is batting .240, he’s been more than you could’ve ever asked for.
Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th steal, hitting .315. Going on about two and a half weeks now that Santana’s been terrific with some power here and there and speed. His BABIP is also high, and he hit .268 in Triple-A this year. Not often a .268 minor league hitter becomes a .320 major league hitter. Jim Abbott could count the times on his left hand.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.88. His K-rate is 8 and his walk rate is under 1. That’s a real nice ratio of Ks to walks, one could even say Phil Hughes is PH-balanced. Hard to get crazy cacacuckoo excited about him, but I’m thinking about streaming him his next time out. Almost by the time I got to the end of that sentence I had talked myself out of it. Almost.
J.J. Hardy – Scratched with a sprained thumb. Well, that’s just dumb. Scratch with your index finger. Or hire a scratcher off Craigslist.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. As mentioned previously on the aforementioned tip, Gausman will be spectacular next year or he will bounce around the majors and minors until he’s traded to a new club and pulls an Arrieta. One thing that will or won’t relate to that is his 2014 season. How’s them hedges, landscape architect?
Nick Markakis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Next thing you know he’s going to rediscover his power, though I’m pretty sure there was a Myth Busters episode showing how Markakis never had power and it was all done with CGI.
Caleb Joseph – 1-for-4 but his 7th and 8th homers on Friday and Saturday. “With this ring, I thee wed you to become a hot schmotato.” Sorry, I was just watching a video of a ceremony between Father Caleb Joseph and Steve Pearce that happened a few weeks ago.
Lance Lynn – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Even though he had a fantastic previous start and has a sub-3.00 ERA, I dropped him prior to this game because the Stream-o-Nator didn’t like the start. At this point, I’m jibbing and jabbing, going one start at a time.
Kolten Wong – 4-f0r-5, 2 runs. If loving you is Wong, I don’t want to be light.
Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.350 in the last week with no power or speed (in that time, at least). Superfluous H won’t continue hitting well without power, which also means he could stop hitting well. Damn, painted myself into a logic corner.
Oscar Taveras – 1-for-4, hitting .214. Member the girl that you were crazy about from afar that later actually slept with your dopey ass and then turned out to be a bore? Well, Taveras just texted “I miss you” for the 17th time today.
Allen Craig – After further examination, it was revealed his foot injury from last year isn’t related to this year’s. Countless searches on ancestry.com revealed nothing. It might even be a hand pretending to be a foot.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. YoCes, or as it’s written in Japan — Cespenis, collected his first dinger in a Red Sox uniform. In related news, Jeter passed Yoenis Wagner on the all-time hit list.
Rubby De La Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.21. If he helped win you your H2H week, you can tell your family that you Rubby’d one out. They have to love you, you’re related. Still having a hard time getting behind picking up Rubby, but if I had to, his next matchup seems like it would suit his stuff. It’s the Astros and their proclivity for swinging the bat.
Tyler Skaggs – Off to get Tommy John surgery. Terrible news for Skaggs, but great news for Tommy John. He gets another nickel!
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.59. His starts are all over the place from good to bad with no rhyme or reason. You could say Santiago’s Chile today, hot tamale.
Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and his 27th homer and 2nd in as many games. Trout said he’s gunning for an MVP, just for the halibut.
Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 2.57. Against my better judgment, I fell into the Stream-o-Nator‘s arms and streamed Duffy yesterday. It was kinda meh on SON ($6.4), but I was willing to take a meh start for a win and that’s exactly what I got.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 1 RBI and three steals. That’s nice, but Jarrod Dyson (3-for-3) stole three bases, Alcides (1-for-4, 1 run) stole one and the scorekeeper gave Billy Butler (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) a double because he didn’t believe he stole a base. Call that scorekeeper’s indifference.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd in as many games. I’d love to set his over/under at 22 homers. Please, Gordon, let me do that without making myself look foolish. Okay, more foolish than usual.
Tim Lincecum – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.51. For those of you in dynasty leagues with Kershaw, when Lincecum was Kershaw’s age, he looked awkwardly dominant too, not just awkward.
Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 and his 12th steal. He has a hit in every game since he’s returned from the DL. Sure, he’ll get hurt again. Maybe by the time you read this, but I’d still grab him while he’s healthy.
Jacob deGrom – Sent to New York to have an MRI done on his shoulder. The MRI was ordered by The Regression Fairies. Keep deGrom in your heart and hopefully it’s fantasy owners’ Deee-Lite that the tests come back clean.
Jenrry Mejia – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, has now given up runs in three of his last four appearances. After the game, Mejia revealed he is dealing with a hernia injury, but will pitch through it. I appreciate the balls on that guy, but he’s nuts. For now, he still seems to be the closer, but I looked to grab Familia in leagues where I need saves (didn’t get him, of course, but I looked).
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. To paraphrase Aloe Blacc, go ahead and tell everybody, Duda’s the man.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd in three games. Fun fact! His last name is a contraction for doesn’thitforaveragenaud. You can see why he shortened it.
Matt den Dekker – 2-for-5. Seems like every year around this time he gets a chance to prove his worth and every year he proves the exact opposite. Yakkity yakk, welkkome backk!
Chase Utley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. 2007 called, it wants its 2nd baseman back.
Adam Eaton – Hit the DL. Broke a finger in early July, smashed into a wall last week, strained his oblique on Saturday. That’s a month that would’ve made the ‘merely a flesh wound’ guy proud.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs. Hadn’t been doing a whole lot on the M’s coming into this game, but that’s a small sample size — that’s what she said! Huh? — so he could finally be acclimated to Seattle and their propensity for throwing fish.
Chris Taylor – 2-for-2, 2 runs, hitting .400 since his call-up. Hasn’t shown any power or speed, but the high average (not quite that high) isn’t a total aberration. Love to see him get the power and speed though, since it’s the closest I can get in California to Taylor H.A.M.
Jarred Cosart – Cleared to start on Tuesday. To mix preservation methods, Jarred is uncorked.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, and his 29th homer. Only 7 more to go! I watched a documentary this weekend called Particle Fever that was about the God Particle. The God Particle gives mass to matter at a subatomic level, but all that matters is Giancarlo, yet he wasn’t mentioned in the documentary, which I found odd.
Casey McGehee – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Now has two hits in two of the past three games and is hitting .300 on the year. Still, he can have any girl in Japan, cause he’s a healthy, two hundred and twenty pound American boy.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Huge breakout season continues. This offseason he’s going to be inundated with endorsement deals. Could see his face promoting catcher masks, full-face gauze wrap or black blankets to cover mirrors during shiva.
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, moving his record to 14-6 and his ERA to 2.05. He’s making a strong case to catch the bouquet from Kershaw when he throws it to all his Cy Young bridesmaids.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. It’s so ‘rizzi, it’s so ‘rizzi, it’s so ‘rizzi to fall in love.
Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.41. Yes, I’m ready to order. I’ll take one Cobb’s solid.
Matt Garza – Won’t be ready to come back when his DL stint is over. Always run into this problem when I go on vacation too. Who wants to return? Crazy people, that’s who.
Mike Fiers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f**king Michael Fiers! Fiers was dazzling in the minors this year — 11.4 K/9, 1.5 BB/9, and has a 1.80 ERA through 15 innings so far, though Saturday was his first major league start this year. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I’d be willing to gamble on him in most leagues.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and a homer on Saturday after sitting Friday. I have no clue what Roenicke is doing. Davis sits for Parra one day, plays the next day and homers then sits then plays then…I have a headache. I believe Roenicke is Ikea for broken lamp. Maybe his brain is on the fritz. “Get off me!” That’s The Fritz.
A.J. Ellis – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. It was a called shot. After he hit it, he called out, “Holy sh*t!”
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 1.78. 6 Ks? Verlander could do that! In two games combined, but still.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.07. Ouch, hopefully this was a blip on the radar that is Keuchel’s breakout season. Don’t make me call a Code Red.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer yesterday and 4-for-5 on Saturday. So, Choo’s making me look like a total Doink for saying you should drop him. Wouldn’t be the first time or the last. I’m Doink-proof!
Neil Walker – To the DL with back spasms. He might be putting extra stress on his lower back by walking on his knees.
Andrew McCutchen – Still hasn’t been put on the DL with a fractured rib because the Pirates think he can avoid the DL. The Pirate doctors said his recovery has been remarkable and The Dread Pirate sweats magical rib-healing juice. This sorta thing always worries me. Hate to have him come back this week, re-injure himself and need another two weeks, but it sounds like he could avoid the DL.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I have the 18,700 page Encyclopedia of Baseball and a 75-page Hall of Shame baseball book and not one mention of Polanco. Weird, but *shrugs*
Rymer Liriano – The Padres top hitting prospect was called up. Don’t laugh, it’s not an oxymoron. His name sounds like a command, though I’m not sure what kind of verb Liriano is. I can rhyme, yo, but Liriano is out of the question. Rymer is one of those toolsy guys that used to help steer Bowden’s Segway when he didn’t feel like using any hands. Hopefully, Rymer doesn’t go the Bowden Fluffer route. In the minors, he hit 14 homers and stole 20 bases between Double and Triple-A. He could struggle to hit for a decent average, at least at first, but he’s young and the only thing holding him back is Petco. I grabbed him for a batty call for today, but I’m not sure how long I’m going to hold him in a redraft league. In keepers, of course you pursue aggressively. He could be a Carlos Gomez-type.
Andrew Cashner – Made a rehab start and is aiming for a late-August return. I’m not setting up my iCal reminder if you catch my drift. If you’re catching my drift because you’re trying to draft like the sugar packets in Days of Thunder and my private area is the finish line, cool.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. Sadly, I dropped Gyorko yesterday because I just didn’t have room for him. Five middle infielders was more than enough for my team. I wished him well, and told him to go out and earn some fantasy value for those of you that still have him. Of course, I was talking to his picture on a player page and didn’t get any response. Bit rude, but maybe he was hurt that I had to drop him.
Everth Cabrera – Scratched from yesterday’s game with a hamstring cramp, same one that caused him to hit the DL earlier in the year. He’s such a hammy-pamby.