There’s a theorem that says if you gave a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it could produce a Shakespearean sonnet. My question is, what if every monkey with a typewriter writes something more ingenious than anything Shakespeare ever came up with, but since we don’t have monkey brains (entirely), we don’t understand it? Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright. As for the theorem, how much monkeying around does it take in Boston to get one Bard? The Red Sox got the infinity part of the theorem right (Aceves’s ERA and WHIP), and they got what you usually get from a monkey and a typewriter… Crap thrown against a wall. Mark Melancon’s ERA is 36.00 and WHIP is 5.00, which looks downright beautiful compared to Alfredo Aceves’s ERA and WHIP which are just letters — INF, and if you owned Aceves for fantasy you know the INF stands for I am Now F***ed. To be, or not to be: the real question is who will close for the Red Sox? Bobby Valentine hinted they might go to Daniel Bard. Valentine doth protest too much, methinks! Of course, Bard should be the closer. You mean the one pitcher with the stuff to close that is now in the rotation that doesn’t have starter stuff? Over the last three years, Bard has the third most Holds, 213 Ks and 1.06 WHIP in 197 innings. But no Holds, Bard, now. Thine own self be true, and thine self is a closer. Give him saves. In the meanwhile, trattorias in Boston’s North End are adding Fedupfitzy Alfredo to their specials. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. This Tigers/Red Sox series lived up its billing, and that billing was, “Both teams have one ace, then agita.”
Austin Jackson – 4-for-6, 3 runs yesterday and 8-for-14 in the series. In related news, Vanity sang her big hit, Nasty Girl, at karaoke.
Max Scherzer – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. If Max Scherzer sounds like a character that Michael Chabon created, then yesterday the Nazis won.
Doug Fister – Off to the DL with a costochondral strain. That’s what you get when you eat too many $1.50 hot dogs at Costco.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and a homer. On Saturday, 2 homers and 3 RBIs. Now hitting .455, which coincidentally is his BAC.
Matt Cain – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Giants three-headed ace (Lincainbum?, Caincecumgarner?) didn’t fare so well in Arizona as the Giants’ petition to play their next series in Arizona in the Grand Canyon.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-10 this weekend with 5 Ks, as he was out-hit by his bench replacement Brett Pill (1-for-1 with a homer). I’m not making excuses, but I think for Passover Brandon Belt was replaced by his Jewish doppelganger.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with a homer and no broken ankles.
Aaron Hill – Homered twice on Saturday. Love to see him combine his crazy homer year of 2009 and crazy steal year of 2011. Imagine 36 homers and 21 steals from Aaron Hill. Will take a whole lotta tryin’ to just get up that Hill.
Bryan Shaw – Got the save yesterday since Putz recorded saves in the first two games of the season. Nothing to see here, the Diamondbacks just aren’t jerking around with their Putz.
Jay Bruce – Hit his 2nd and 3rd homers yesterday. I’m Eskimo-kissing Jay Bruce on all of my fantasy teams.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-3 yesterday and hit a homer on Saturday as he bats .545. You don’t want to know what I’m doing to Cozart on all my fantasy teams.
Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he joined every reliever in major league baseball and blew the save. Why do I feel like 2012 is the year we all do Chinese fire drills on closers?
Chris Perez – Got the save yesterday after I got to the red light, ran around the car, grabbed Pestano and got back in the car. I’m sure we’ll hit another red light by Wednesday.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with 2 homers. I don’t own Carlos Santana anywhere, but as long as he’s not doing duets with Rob Thomas I’m happy.
Corey Hart – 3 HRs over the weekend. Shame on those of you who didn’t get the memo that he does really well overcoming spring training injuries in even years.
Ryan Braun – Homered on Sunday. The homer is under review because it was postmarked on Friday.
Fernando Rodney – 2 outs, 2 saves over the weekend. First Farnsworth, now Rodney. Joe Maddon is like the Crappy Reliever Whisperer.
B.J. Upton – Expected to return April 20th. Just think, if the Rays were married to this then they’d have to a wait a lot longer for a B.J.
Carlos Pena – Hit his second homer of the weekend yesterday. He’s the kind of player that hits 7 homers in 10 games, then 20 Ks in 5 games, so get in while the gettin’ in is good.
Jeremy Hellickson – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Pitched a superb game for the “Grey Says He Hates These Guys, Let’s Make Grey Look Wrong” team.
Mike Minor – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Here’s me yesterday, “Hey, Minor’s through 3 innings with 5 Ks and only one run. Finally, one of my pitchers is performing. It’s about time. I won’t look back at this game, so I don’t jinx it.” That No-Look/No-Jinx worked out perfectly! I will now stick my head in the oven.
Lucas Duda – Hit 2 homers on Saturday. Oh, what a Duda day.
Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he switched bodies with Gio Gonzalez, Madison Bumgarner, Matt Cain and Yovani Gallardo. Not cool, Jason Hammel, not cool at all.
Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks making his mom, Jo Anne, so proud and me, since he was, like, the only pitcher that I liked that did well this first weekend. On a serious note, don’t throw out the baby with the fantasy team. There’s only three games played for most teams. You want your pitchers to come out and pitch well, but Bumgarner, for instance, had an ERA over 6 last April. Gallardo’s ERA was also over 6 last April. You can’t win your league in April, but you can lose it by overreacting. Chillax is the portmanteau of the day.
Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Pitched a terrific game until Rex Brothers blew it for him. Last time, I buy furniture from him.
Wilin Rosario – Homered in his first start of the year. Can we get someone to Gillooly Ramon Hernandez?
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Triceps issue behind him, and now unto bigger and better injuries like shoulders and obliques!
Eric Hosmer – Homered in back-to-back games this weekend and had the always-delicious slam & legs on Easter Sunday. Guessing Moustakas is waiting until next Sunday to do the same.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with a homer. Way to show up to the party 12 months late.
Lance Lynn – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Looking for someone that can come out of nowhere and be valuable? Here ya go.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Someone already grabbed Lance Lynn, but you’d prefer a guy with a last name you can’t pronounce? You’re in luck!
Matt Kemp – ESPN reported, Kemp homered on Sunday to extend his hitting streak to 16 games. Huh? Did the Dodgers and Padres play back-to-back-to-back quintupletheaders?
Dustin Moseley – To the DL with a strained right shoulder. What an odd thing to find in your colander.
Chase Headley – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer in Petco and equaling his Petco homer output from last year. Chase “Doing Just Enough To Stay Rostered on Your Fantasy Teams” Headley.
Hector Santiago – With heat from the fantasy baseball community and Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura finally relented and decided on Hector Santiago to close, saying Thornton will maintain his 8th inning role. Not sure why it took so long for Ventura to say that. It’s like the White Sox manager hat is The Mask.