Because we don’t like to leave anyone out here (yeah, right; I don’t think 80% of the words I use would be made up if I wasn’t trying to exclude anyone. I’m sure everyone that stumbles on the site is like, “Oh, yeah, he’s a SAGNOF hot schmotato that was pulling a Kotchman with The Concusstador.”), the title is referring to Phil Rizzuto commercials from the 80’s. I don’t like to point out where anything comes from, to be honest, but Rudy thought it was necessary for non-NY’ers. I do like pointing out how I don’t like pointing anything out, is that too meta for you? So, with that aside, um, aside, Scooter Gennett is calling a black man White and holy cow he’s hot (hitting near .375 in the last week and over .400 in August with 3 homers). You know what Scooter is doing? He’s playing hard in the dog days of the summer to prove he should have the starting job next year. From a fantasy perspective, I love that. If you can have a whole fantasy team of guys playing for a job, and playing well, you’ll be okay during this time of year. Gennett also has some speed in his gams and won’t hurt you on average. If you have a trouble area in the middle infield, I’d absolutely look at him. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Emilio Bonifacio – Fun Fact! His real name is Emilio Sheen and was born on the set of Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now was a small Mayan think tank in the Dominican Republic that was dedicated to last year’s apocalypse. Wait, what did you think I meant? So, Bonifacio has speed and he plays middle infield, what, you need a thousand reasons to pick him up. You’re greedy. I don’t like that. There’s people starving for fantasy baseball info in Ethiopia.
Kolten Wong – If loving Wong is Wong I don’t want to be Wight.
Junior Lake – If loving Lake is Lake, I don’t want to be Wake. Yeah, doesn’t work so well.
Brad Miller -You ready for the game, “Fun With Prorating?” Here’s your host…Wink Martindale! Wink, let’s prorate some stats! Thanks, Johnny! Over the course of a 162-game season, Brad Miller is on pace for 80+ runs, 80+ RBIs, 17 homers and 12 steals. Show Miller what he’s won…A brand new washer/dryer!
Eduardo Nunez – Hitting near .400 in the last week with speed and has Yankee fans forgetting all about Jeter! Except the ones he’s slept with, which is in the hundred thousands.
Juan Francisco – Our man, Tom Jacks, just went over his Juan Francisco fantasy. Don’t you want to put a comma in the middle of Tom Jacks’s name? I wonder if he gets called Jacks Tom a lot? TJ Hooker? I got questions, y’all!
Matt Dominguez – On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Dominguez has been almost as valuable as batting average title seeker for humankind, Chris Johnson. What’s more surprising, how low Chris Johnson is ranked. Geez, going after the batting title sure doesn’t get you the fantasy value like it used to in my day when men were men and four lady readers were men too.
Will Middlebrooks – A word on Bogaerts real quick. He’ll be a starter next year and he’ll be great in the landmark case of sooner vs. later. The Red Sox want to win now and the way that happens is playing Drew and Middlebrooks. Especially Will, since he’s hitting .441 with two homers since he was recalled.
Donnie Murphy – The Irish have given us Guinness (not the record keepers of the longest continuous yo-yo’ing), Pierce Brosnan and leprechauns. Continuing this rich tradition is Donnie Murphy. Murphy said this when informed he’d be in the Buy, “As I tell me ladies, it’s not the size of the sample size, it’s how hot my bat is.”
L.J. Hoes – Hoes, “Did someone say multiple genitals?!” Oh, Hoes. You’re gonna get a bad reputation. “I’m easy!” Hoes, stop! The man who lets everyone get their turn is hitting near .400 in the last week.
Wilson Ramos – Hehe, I buried the catchers in the middle of the post. Fingers crossed that no one sees them!
Jason Castro – Has been more valuable than so many other catchers I won’t even bothering mentioning them (too lazy to look it up). Kinda crazy he’s only owned in 48.6% of leagues, but then again 70% of leagues are abandoned, so he’s owned in 118.6% leagues…Geez, you guys and four girl readers and Castro should get a room!
Martin Perez – His last four starts have been solid and he gets the Pale Hose next. Don’t mind if I do!
Zach McAllister – Yes, I just basically went through the Stream-o-Nator for these guys, but it’s that time of the year. What do I care if so-and-so has been good if their next start isn’t favorable?
Tommy Hunter – Johnson’s been a schmuck for about two weeks now and K-Rod’s been a schmuck for the better part of three years, so Hunter it is. Since there’s only five weeks left, Hunter could run with the job and get ten saves the rest of the way. More likely, Johnson starts getting saves again in a week or two. I’d still own them both.
Rex Brothers – I just went over this morning. Scroll up, click Home, scroll down and click my previous post. You’re good!
Chia-Jen Lo – Is Chia-Jen a popular name in Taiwan? Speaking of Taiwan, you know when I first fell in love with Rudy? When he told me how Taiwan grows great small things: baseball players in the form of Little Leaguers and baby corn.
Dane De La Rosa – There should be some kind of decree handed down that De La Rosa’s have to either be de la Rosa or De La Rosa. I’m sick of looking up if his shizz is capped. #firstworldproblems. He’s sharing closing duties with Frieri, but since Ernesto has only been doing doodies, I’d own DDLR.
Tim Lincecum – See what I said in McAllister’s blurb? Well, Lincecum hasn’t even been good in his last two starts. If you’re in a tight race for Ks, I could understand sticking with him, but there’s no telling what you’re going to get from him from start to start. Holding your waiver wire moves close to your vest? As his bumper sticker says, “Burn one for me.”
Jed Lowrie – He’s been yawnstipating for the better part of the season (9 HRs, 1 steal). What’s that, two and a quarter homers per month? Who even counts quarter homers besides Juan Pierre?
Pablo Sandoval – Let’s suppose you were 145 pounds overweight and you couldn’t wear a muumuu but instead had to wear a tight-fitting, doesn’t-breath-enough baseball jersey. Then, on top of all of that, isn’t a maraschino cherry or four like you’d enjoy, but a manager that keeps talking about how you’re too fat. A manager with a giant-melon head. Would you want to play there? I wouldn’t. Just conjecture, but I bet Sandoval ends up on a different team this offseason and excels. For this year, you gotta take Kung Fu Panda and chop him.