Now that Lance Berkman is on the DL, I’m going to read from your rankings. Random Italicized Voice, I’m not here to talk about the past. Is it true or is it not true that after Mr. Bungling Berkman in 2011, you said to avoid him this year? I’m not here to talk about the– Oh, yeah, that is true. See, I wasn’t setting you up to fail *cough* Vernon Wells is a sleeper *cough* Thanks. Now, instead of the past, let’s look into the future, specifically Matt Carpenter. Right now, he’s filling in for Berkman and he’s hitting .321 with a donk and 11 ribbies — hey, give one to Eve! (The rapper. She likes barbeque.) In Triple-A, Carpenter hit 12 homers and .302, while his eye makes his OBP’ing gaudy by nature. I’m not gonna say he’s the wickedest man alive because, well, interjection, he’s not. In 500 ABs, he’d be lucky to hit 10 homers and contribute a handful of steals. He can hit for a solid average and get on base. In deep leagues, if you’re in a bind, man, pick up Carpenter and saw. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks; his ERA is now at 9.88. Where’s everyone that was crazy excited for drafting him in the preseason? Probably too soon to tell me in the comments what an idiot I am for ignoring him in my rankings, huh? Also, too soon to say he’s going to win the Cy Young? C’mon, it wasn’t too soon last month when you were saying it. What’s the matter? I hear the Wainwright for Cy Young in 2012 bandwagon is now giving two for one rides because of the empty seats.
Jon Jay – The Federalist sprained his shoulder when he tried to run through fence like he was a stunt double from Naked Gun. His run-in with the fence has landed his arm in a sling. It’s swing for the fences, Jon Jay. Swing! Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. Last year, he had a 3.23 ERA in April and a 1.80 ERA in September. In like a lion and out like a lion. Way to turn an idiom on its head, which I guess would be !p!ow. The interesting thing right now is his 18 Ks in 19 IP. I wouldn’t go to him outside of certain matchups, but he’s moving onto radars.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, 1 run and his 5th homer. Make it rain!
Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Usually a 2nd half starter that I can’t find the energy to pick up, but has a 2.91 ERA so far making him someone I still can’t build enthusiasm to own.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Old school great sign: He looks like he’s playing hurt so it’s good he was able to still swing the bat with authority. New school great sign: Yesterday, was the last day of Aries, which is a ram, and Phillips homered in St. Louis where the Rams play. Booya!
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his first homer. Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last two weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.
Todd Frazier – 0-for-4, as he got the start over Rolen (was just a day off, but Rolen’s a sneeze away from getting confused with Glass Chipper). Frazier should be watched for now in NL-Only leagues, but if he can get playing time he could be a 15/15-type guy with a terrible average.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first homer. Hey, look what the cat, who is prone to drag in players who I’m beginning to think are overrated, dragged in.
Jeff Samardzija – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks. Last week I said of Samardzija, “With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.” And this start was the poopsie.
Emilio Bonifacio – 1-for-4 with his 8th and 9th steals. I will now call him Emilio Estealthes.
Curtis Granderson – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 homers in the first four innings as he made me look like a schmohawk. He was 5 for his last 23 before tonight and he hit the three homers against two weak righties, and wasn’t looking good against a tough lefty in the ninth (Perkins) when hit a dribbler for an infield single. Huge night, for sure. Can’t take anything away from that (even as I try to), but I’ll stand by my prediction that he disappoints this year.
Ryan Doumit – Hey, Hughes blurb readers, what’s up? Chillin? Doumit went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his first homer. He was pretty fooled by the pitch that he hit for a homer off Hughes. I like Doumit to Ron Popeil, but he’s not that incredible. I think this calls into question starting Hughes. His home park is a launching pad and his stuff lets Doumit homer even when he’s out in front of it.
Brandon Allen – The Rays claimed Allen off of waivers to backup Carlos Pena, which makes no sense since they’re lefties. Guess he could spell the other lefty Luke Scott occasionally at DH, or in Luke’s case gospel.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’m was gonna say it’s nice he’s coming alive, but his OBP is .431 and is hitting .327. So, uh, just hit some more homers. Thank you.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and feasted on a slam & legs while us commoners hoped Denard Span would steal a base on a short schedule day. Jennings, “Take your diseased Span away from my fantasy outfield, and next time I steal I want to take the buggy!”
Tommy Milone – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I saw nothing yesterday to make me think he can’t be a solid ratio helper. Also, something about his name makes me wish he was from Bayonne and hung out with Joey Fatone.
Freddie Freeman - Hit two homers yesterday. Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day, which is still more times than Matthew Berry.
Mike Minor – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. I was saying this in the comments yesterday, but I feel no love for Minor this year. I think if more people watched him, they’d understand how filthy he is.
Ryan Howard – Earlier this week, he went to see a specialist who told him there wasn’t enough progress in his healing to be cleared for baseball activities. Now, today, he’s going to see the same specialist to see if he’s ready to go. Only today he’s going in a Big Momma’s House Halloween costume.
Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. I didn’t watch this game (because the color of Yu’s hair makes me think something wrong with my TV tube and that gets annoying), but two hits in six innings is solid. Obviously 5 walks is a bit of a concern, and 13 BBs in 17 2/3 innings is terrible. Will someone wake me when this insanely hyped pitcher shows up?
Henderson Alvarez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Just think, after this start he’ll have a solid FIP.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, his 7th homer and Matt becomes the number one baby boy name in LA surpassing Edhardy.