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Victor Martinez hit the DL.  I told you he was overrated in the preseason, but rather than just say I told you so, let’s tell you exactly what I told you, “Wah-wah.  Sad trombone.  ‘Those aren’t pillows!’  Or whatever signal you want for a reversal from good to bad.  That was what I heard when it was announced that Victor Martinez had a torn meniscus, which reminds me of a conversation I had when calculators were first introduced in 1961 and I had to abandon my loyalty to my other counting device, screaming, “I’m torn, abacus!”  I got sad when Martinez was hurt, not because I wanted to draft him and now he had an injury.  I was saddened because now I figured my ranking of him in the 110’s wouldn’t be as low as other ‘perts.  You know, they’d hear this news and lower him.  Much to my surprise, I overestimated the rest of the ‘pert world.  They still have him ranked 75 overall on average.  *scratches head*  You know, head scratching really doesn’t help one understand anything, which sounds like a line from C.J. Wilson’s latest dandruff commercial.  CBS has V-Mart ranked 15th overall.  I’m not even joking.  I wish I were.  “Your final wish is granted.”  No, Genie in a Bottle, it’s a figure of speech!  Okay, it looks like CBS has changed his ranking slightly, that ranking was before the knee surgery.  Stupid, wish-taking Genie!  Martinez is still ranked way too high, and it has nothing to do with the surgery.”  And that’s me quoting me!  See, I told you I told you so.  This will likely be a nice boost in playing time for Anthony Gose and Rajai Davis, the King of SAGNOF and his Golden Gose.  Also, hitting the DL is Corey Dickerson with his plantar fasciitis, a garden variety injury.   This helps Drew Stubbs see playing time, but takes him away from his BBQ sauce manufacturing.  While the Rockies are home, I’d give Stubbs a shot.  Martinez and Dickerson share something in injury; these aren’t ailments that DL stints are going to fix.  These will linger all year and I would sell low on both guys.  Sorry to bum you out, unless Evan Gattis is reading.  He can bum out all on his own.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rusney Castillo – Reports are suggesting he’s coming up soon.  Like the Indian guy from Short Circuit, this makes me want to exclaim, “Oh my goodness gracious, I am standing here beside myself!”  As soon as I heard this news, I went to pick up Rusney.  He wasn’t available, but I checked.  I do the same in all leagues.  Johnny Five would’ve wanted it that way.

David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Big Popup hasn’t really gotten hot for an extended period of time this year.  Shoot (not you, Dick Cheney), he only has multiple hit games back-to-back twice this year.  Hopefully (if you own him), this is him getting hot like a hamburger in Coachella Valley being shared by Bey and Nicki.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Now imagine a hamburger being shared by Bey, Nicki and Napoli’s Mom.  Rawr!  What?  I have a Cougar problem!

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5, 1 run, but day-to-day after jamming his leg.  Jamming anything doesn’t sound very paleo.

Carlos Santana – Hurt his back scratching himself.  I could be reading the news update wrong.  Either way, no Carlos Santana yesterday.

Yan Gomes – Hopes to return on Sunday.  Yan can catch, and so can you!

Trevor Bauer – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the White Sox.  Bauer’s ERA is 3.31 and he’s been solid, but I wanted to mentioned the White Sox.  Or rather the White Sux.  They looked like a powerhouse coming into the year, but they are awful.  Only the Phils are worse and the Phils average age is 67!

Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20.  Four of his last five starts have been quality starts and the fifth start wasn’t bad, just short.  Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I agree.

Jayson Werth – Hit the DL with old and infirm.  The Nats are saying he’ll be fine in 15 days.  Yeah, he’ll be younger then, right.

Wilmer Difo – 1-for-1 as he was called up by the Nats.  Another Wilmer, another middle infielder, another team.  Did Latin America just get The Flintstones in the early 90’s and there was a run on the baby name, Wilma and Wilmer?  I don’t know, but I’m going to look into it.  Right after I find out if Al Gore had to fix the internet after Kim Kardashian broke it.  I’m looking into things, y’all!  Difo has played just 14 games in Double-A in his professional career, so I doubt he plays significantly for the Nats, but why on earth would they promote him?  Yeah, good question, Grey.  Here’s what Prospector Mike said, “Difo finished second to his teammate Rafael Bautista in stolen bases in the South Atlantic League in 2014, swiping 49 bags at an 85% success rate. The 22-year-old can play both shortstop and second base well, and has more power than you’d expect.  He won the South Atlantic League MVP award and frankly seemed to come out of nowhere this season. He’s a switch hitter, making good contact from both sides of the plate without striking out much. In fact, he had the fourth lowest strikeout percentage among qualified hitters in the Sally. He’ll get a chance to face tougher competition in the Carolina League this year and could really put himself on the prospect map with another strong season. He presents a good buying opportunity in dynasty leagues.   ‘Die, Nasty’ is also a book I wrote about Grey.”  Hey, c’mon!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer.  Hit the snooze button, Cougs, I’m rolling over and continuing this dream where I drafted Harper in every league.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He’s turned it on a bit since I said to sell him.  I’d still sell him, which is either a nice reverse jinx for his owners or being said due to Desmond’s hideous ground ball rate, which is a fantasy baseball glass is half full or empty scenario.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  Someone must’ve mentioned to him that he always seems to be great but gets injured, and he figured that if he wasn’t great, he wouldn’t be injured.  Ramos, your logic has been cross-pollinated with stupidity.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .242.  MVP!

Nathan Eovaldi – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.73 vs. Gio Gonzalez 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.94.  This was like a tennis match between two monkeys that are volleying poop.  15 serving poop!

Masahiro Tanaka – Will make a rehab start on Thursday, after supposedly saying through his translator that he felt fine.  I bet he’s gonna think twice about hiring Brian Cashman as his translator.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit the DL after leaving the game with a knee injury that didn’t sound serious, but “doesn’t sound serious,” to Ellsbury is a challenge he doesn’t shy away from.   D’Ellsbury could return in 15 days or 4 months.

Mark Teixeira – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Why did I drop him again?  Not to answer, but to point and laugh.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Considering shoulder surgery.  Geez, he must be a joy to be around.  I consider watching The Voice finale or Hell’s Kitchen.  Or I consider ice cream or a donut.  Considering shoulder surgery?  What a bummer!

Carlos Frias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.55.  He was solid in the minors too this year, and I’d grab Frias while he’s hot.  Oxymoronic!

Alex Guerrero – 2-for-4, hitting .328.  Nice to see him starting, Mattingly…And hitting in the eight hole.  Whaaaaa?

Wil Myers – Hit the DL with tendinitis in his wrist.  And I’m pist.  When he returns from the DL, he better be hitting, or he’s hist.  Anyone want any Sierra Mist?  Whatever, Bieber, girls once swooned over Franz Liszt.  With Myers on the Disabled List, now what outfielder will I share a fifteen-day tryst?  Maybe I’ll try Colabello, Chris.

Yonder Alonso – Bud Black said Alonso is “still a ways away.”  Not good, unless he was just stuttering.

James Shields – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.74.  Wasn’t I supposed to draft only Padres starters in one league with only Rockies hitters?  Who was in charge of reminding me of that?  Don’t lower your eyes, it was you, wasn’t it?  C’mon, man!

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.70.  Yeah, he should be owned.  Yup, in your league too.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4 and two homers.  Hitting multiple homers in a game is like adding water to a spud and making an instant hot schmotato.  I’d look at him in deeper leagues to see if this is the start of something.

Oswaldo Arcia – Nearing a rehab assignment.  And that’s where’s Oswaldo.

Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Plouffe goes the dynamite!

Brian Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and his third homer in the last four games.  He’s on pace for 25 HRs, 12 steals and still getting no respect from the fantasy community.  By the by, the fantasy community smells of nachos and farts.

Francisco Liriano – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.15.  This game was against the Twins, and his ERA is 2.96 if you remove this game.  Does that make you feel better or worse?  Worse, huh?  As my friends in Latin America would say, mea culpa!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .227.  He’s kinda like Chris Carter in that, if Alvarez is hitting over .227, he’s having a good season.  It’s the Marla Gibbs Line.

Jung-ho Kang – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .320.  Obviously, I would own him, but his stats are odd.  In Korea, he wasn’t much of an average hitter but did have power.  Pretty much the exact opposite of what he’s doing here.  What do you think about Jung-ho Kang, Siri?  “Sorry, Grey, there are no listings for Carl Jung in Hong Kong.”  What would I do without you, Apple Watch?

Josh Harrison – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and has raised his average seventy points in the last ten days, i.e., ten days ago was not the time to give up on Harrison.

Jon Niese – 5 IP, 8 ER.  The Regression Fairies drive a Mini, they overshare bathhouse stories and they will make your pretty ERA ugly.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  I have him in two leagues and he’s in the lineup in both leagues.  I don’t say this to brag, but for your pity that I’ve been so besieged by injuries I’m starting Mini Donkey.

Randal Grichuk – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs in the two hole, and Peter Bourjos (2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) hit leadoff.  Then Kolten Wong (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .301) does himself no favors by only hitting when at the bottom of the order.  I never thought I’d say this, but maybe a lowered Wong is for the best.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13.  Wacha, Wacha, Wacha should be the fantasy baseball version of yadda, yadda, yadda.  Brucely, Wacha, Wacha, Wacha, Cust kayin’.  As for Wacha, he is not this good.

Drew Pomeranz – He’s a candidate for the DL.  With soreness in his shoulder?  Weird!

Coco Crisp – Left yesterday’s game with neck tightness.  Coco’s been day-to-day since the day he was born, so status unchanged.

Max Muncy – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  If the A’s had a middle name, it would be “Make wonderful out of nothing.”  This is Muncy’s 2nd homer in three games, and he’s hit well in all the games he’s played replacing Ike Davis.  I would grab him in all leagues for a chance for some upside, schmotatoey goodness.

Luke Gregerson – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, then was quickly replaced by Pat Neshek, who got the save.  A closer being pulled in the middle of the ninth with two outs is code for:  We ain’t got time for bird sex and you ain’t got long as the team’s closer.  I grabbed Neshek in two leagues, but that was because Chad Qualls was already gone.  I’d grab Qualls first.

Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .163.  You’re nowhere near Marla Gibbs!

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .243, which was the 2nd best average in the Astros starting lineup.  The 1st place Astros with the 26-14 record.  Zoinks!

Maikel Franco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .350.  You think when Utley watches Franco his vision gets wavy like he’s looking at himself in the past?  *wavy lines*  Hey, Maikel, nice hair, is that pomade? *wavy lines*

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 and his 9th steal and third steal in three games.  Each major league city that Revere rides into he screams, “I’m open for a trade!”

Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-2 as he DH’d.  He was able to do catching drills yesterday and threw at 20%.  If any base runners try to steal the rosin bag, Devin’s gonna peg them!

Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.56 vs. Johnny Cueto 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.03 in a matchup that was MLB’s newest villain vs. the guy that kicked Jason LaRue’s head off.  This was like the original Batman movie with Adam West, when The Riddler and The Joker teamed up and then ended up turning on each other.  Too bad no one brought to the game exploding sharks.

Mike Moustakas – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .331.  Moistasskiss!

Greg Holland – Wasn’t available yesterday due to a stiff neck.  You gotta take those Viagras with extra water to make sure they get down!  Wade Davis (1 IP, 0 ER, 7th save) would be the pickup, but if he’s not owned in your league, I wonder if your league isn’t you vs. eleven different emails that all belong to you.

Mike Foltynewicz – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. Erasmo Ramirez 5 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.44.  Maybe I’m being too harsh, but the fact that Faultyelectricaloutlet actually lost to Erasmo makes me not want to own Fallguyleemajorwitz ever.

Steven Souza – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal, hitting .231.  On pace for a 24/24 season.  He’s kinda like a white man’s Mike Cameron.  I will call him Cameron Frye.

Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 0 ER, 11th save, 1.20 ERA as Jake McGee recorded his first hold in the 8th.  On the fo’really, I would continue using Box as the closer if I were the Rays too.  That’s not to say drop McGee, but it may not be his job for some time.

Matt Wieters – Will begin rehab games on May 26th and hopes to be ready to rejoin the O’s on June 4th.  If you have DL room, I’d stash him, but I’d put the over/under on him returning at July 1st and being about as valuable as the 15th ranked catcher the rest of the way.  Though, Keith Law called him the best prospect ever about five years ago, so there’s that.

Miguel Gonzalez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.24.  I’m kinda glad I had no starters going yesterday in any league.

Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Funny enough (not funny enough), he has crazy speed, but hasn’t shown it at all, and doesn’t have much power, but has shown all of that and dim sum.  I mean, then some.  I’m hungry.  *pours milk into a box of cereal, eats*  I’m back!

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th and 7th steals.  I guess his knees are okay…for now!  Muahahahahahah– *cough, cough*  Stupid asthma.

Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .236.  He’s done nothing in about three weeks, but I’d cyclops him, because, when he gets hot, he can be very valuable.

Taijuan Walker – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 7.47.  Wouldn’t that make him Taijuan Flyer?

Welington Castillo – Where’s the beouf?!  No longer in Chicago as Welington was traded to the Mariners for Yoervis Medina, who sounds like a drug kingpin or Benny Medina’s nerdy cousin.  Welington will likely backup Zunino, until the M’s decide to send Zunino and Jesus Montero on a Titanic revival tour of the North Pole.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Nelson was crucified in the preseason for actually performing last year, and now every ball he touches gets Cruzified, which sounds the same coming from Seth Smith (1-for-5 and his 4th homer).

Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .260 and has one home run on the year.  If you’re joining us late, I warned people not to draft Cano.

Anibal Sanchez – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 5.60.  I didn’t like him in the preseason, and briefly flirted with thinking he might be usable, but now he’s just a FIPping nightmare that I wouldn’t want anywhere near my teams.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .259 and his 9th homer as Braun, Aramis Ramirez (1-for-4 and his 5th homer) and Adam Lind (2-for-5 and his 7th homer) went back-to-back-to-back like a Darren Aronofsky movie through the eyes of JB.

Carlos Gomez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal.  This is like when Gilligan got hit on the head and started talking like The Professor.

Jimmy Nelson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.73 in Detroit.  Brewers starters are making the Tigers look less than grrrrrrrreat.  Nelson’s still far from safe and safe from afar, but I’d look at him for his next matchup and go one matchup at a time.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .319.  Not playing every day, but is hitting .500-ish in the last week and Rico Sauve looks like a hot schmotato.

Jose ReyesJays said that his rib injury could linger all year.  I don’t want to be Mr. Sarcastic, because the British say that’s the LCD of humor, but Reyes couldn’t stay healthy in a bubble with nothing but packing peanuts and John Travolta or packing penis in Travolta, either scenario works.  Fun fact!  The concept of “going clear” was originally brought to Scientology by Travolta when he was playing the boy in the plastic bubble.  They were going to use a blue-tinted bubble, but Travolta said let’s ‘go clear,’ and it stuck.

Devon Travis – Missed Tuesday with his shoulder irritation.  Wake me when I care!  Aw, man, I’m a fickle pickle!

Aaron Sanchez – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 4.17.  I’d continue to view Sanchez as a streamer in most mixed leagues, and the Stream-o-Nator has a few choices words to say about his next start.  Bad choice, not good choice.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .316.  He’s done about all you could ask from him, except maybe curing your IBS.

Matt Joyce – 0-for-3, hitting .139.  It was revealed that Joyce was benched on Monday because he showed up late to the game.  Imagine if The Sciosciapath were to bench Joyce if he swung late.  He’d never play.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer.  Ain’t nothing but a Calhound dog!

Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  So, what you’re telling me is I would’ve been better off drafting Santiago than Strasburg?  *opens The Bell Jar to first page, opens stove, realizes it’s an unplugged electric oven, sighs*

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  New Marlins manager, Dan Jennings, said about Stanton, “Kids are much bigger than when I was last managing.  And more capable of tying their own cleats.  Good on them.”

Tom Koehler – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.70.  The last Marlins manager moved Koehler to the bullpen, but Dan “The Sub” Jennings doesn’t know where any of those lesson plans are.

Rafael Furcal – Retired from baseball.  He signed up for six months of COBRA so he can keep seeing his same doctors for a while.

Enrique Burgos – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, because Brad Ziegler had pitched multiple innings the day before.  Or was it?!  Yeah, that’s my take on the shituation, but I would grab Burgos just in case he splits saves with Ziegler or runs with the job.

Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 5.52.  This game was against the Marlins, which proved one thing, Hellickson can only pitch in Florida.  Beware my Hellickson 2019 sleeper when he’s traded to the Marlins.

Jake Lamb – Could be ready around June 1st.  Assuming Yasmany doesn’t see him from the back and think he’s a giant leg of lamb.  Hey, that could be featured on the same episode with Cashman as Tanaka’s translator on the show titled, “When Learning A Language With The Rosetta Stone Goes Wrong.”