*sings Kelis song in head for five minutes before starting post* Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I can teach you, but I have to charge. Stupid brain! Denard Span has been hotter than something that’s hot in a situation that’s even hotter. I’m thinking he’s hotter than a stolen wallet that fell into the crack of the world’s fattest man. You can fill in a better allusion if you’d like. I’m empowering you, my prematurely balding men readers. Let’s go back to the beginning of the season, March Grey drafted Denard Span in his last draft of the year, an NL-Only league. I, Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, was happy to get him, figured he could give me solid counting stats and 20-25 steals. Five months later, I was benching him for Eric Young, Garrett Jones, Reymond Fuentes, really anyone. Then Span decided to reach my projections in the final month. He’s hitting over .400 in September and has stolen more bases this month than all of August (yes, he only stole one base in August, so it’s not that spectacular of an achievement). If you’re struggling for runs, steals and average, I’d grab Span in every league. The only way he could get hotter is if the world’s fattest man farts. Allusion callback! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Josmil Pinto – Was a solid enough prospect in the minors and has been hitting extremely well since his call-up. Joe Mauer would cut into his playing time, but Joe Mauer is wearing permanent swirly glasses. That’s right, even Beano can’t stop this Pinto from letting loose! Two blurbs, two fart jokes…Do I hear three?!
Wilson Ramos – Yes, I’m totally, incomprehensibly jazzed about Wilson Ramos for next year. It could be because I happen to be watching the Nats recently and have seen Ramos power balls to the opposite field and with ease hit balls out of Metco. Maybe it’s because it’s September and you get jazzed about the things there are to get jazzed about. Either way — or as Mystikal would say eye-thurr way — Ramos is hot right now so definitely worth grabbing. Hitter-Tron also loves Ramos this week like a horny robot likes touching a screwdriver.
Yan Gomes – Check out where Gomes is on our 7-Day Player Rater. Look at me making you work for insight. No more spoonfeeding you. From now on, you have to earn all knowledge. Give a man a fish, and he’s fed for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime, though he will have wet socks too.
Matt Adams – Fatt Adams hasn’t really mustered a whole lot since taking over for Craig (it’s really only been a week, so we’ll cut him some slack. Not going to cut him slacks, not enough fabric for that.)
Josh Rutledge – The scouting report for Rutledge says he has speed and power and shouldn’t hit for as low an average as he currently is. Not sure. Never heard of him before. Who’s he play for?
Donovan Solano – I recently picked up Solano in an NL-Only league. That’s where he plays. I don’t mean in the NL; I mean, he’s viable in fantasy for deep3 leagues.
Brad Miller – His hitting has the skillful charm that makes me want to call him Blarney Miller. BTW, Abe Vigoda? Still alive! (As of this writing.)
Trevor Plouffe – I’m not sure 100% because he’s dead now (not Abe Vigoda — yet), but I believe when my German grandfather used to have to go to the bathroom, he would say, “I need to be plouffing.” I wonder if my dad remembers. Alas… We may never know! Plouffe has been doing anything but plouffing at the plate over the last ten days.
Cody Asche – Doesn’t he sound like someone celebrities would rally behind because of some in vogue charity fundraiser? “We’re here today to raise money for Cody Asche’s surgery. He needs to have his superfluous ear removed? No one needs to hear that much. Let’s go to the phone banks where Susan Sarandon is taking calls.” Eh, maybe it’s just me. Also, what’s just me, is my love for Asche. He’s my September Nolan Arenado. BTW, I can see myself owning Arenado and Asche coming out next year’s drafts (unless, of course, Machado is severely downgraded, which seems doubtful). Bring on the upside 3rd basemen; to hell with any 3rd basemen taken in the first five rounds unless I luck into the first pick of the draft.
Billy Hamilton – In the olden days to measure the speed of someone’s pitch, they would put a duck on the mound with the pitcher, a bucket of water by home plate and as the pitcher wound up to deliver the pitch, they would light a firecracker in the duck’s ass. If the pitch beat the duck to the bucket of water, he threw over 90 MPH. Due to PETA and advances in technology, they now use speed guns, but I’d love to see Hamilton race a firecracker’d duck.
Zack Cozart – It would be total crap for fantasy if Dusty pulled this trick, but imagine Hamilton is only used as a pinch runner all next year? Dusty would have a 20-homer, 40+ steal Frankenstein hitter. I mention Hamilton again, because he’s so much more interesting than the hitting-around-.300-over-the-last-week Cozart.
Michael Wacha – There wasn’t one starter I loved on Friday to stream. I considered Charlie Morton, but felt he was only if you were desperate. Yes, I’m assuming you’re not desperate. Hehe, silly me! Wacha gets the Mariners on Saturday and, as with most starters in September, I say you just look at the Stream-o-Nator and go from there.
Dillon Gee – As I said the other day, he didn’t look that bad vs. the Nats on Tuesday despite the result, and I’d definitely roll with him again on Sunday vs. the Marlins. Gee, you think, Grey? Yes, yes I do.
Jhoulys Chacin – The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his weekend start in Arizona, but I could see streaming him there and I’m not as concerned. Doesn’t seem like a great bet for a win, but a quality start could be in order.
Rick Porcello – No idea what to make of Porcello; he goes from start to start all over the map, but if there’s anywhere on the map I’d start him in every league it’s in Seattle. 2nd best place is in Detroit vs. the Mariners.
Sergio Santos – The closepocalypse brings with it winds of up to 78 MPH and torrential rainstorms of saves to random middle relievers. It’s a tough time, especially for someone like me that needs to report from the eye of the storm. Yet, I’d sure take that over a peaceful time when I can’t grab a vulture save from anywhere. Santos really isn’t supposed to get saves, but I guess I could see it if the Blue Jays want to give him a few looks late in the year to see if he can handle the job. It’s a stretch. A streeeeeeeetch, even.
A.J. Ramos – Another guy that probably won’t get saves, but could simply because his team might want to see what he does with an opportunity, in case they want to move on from their incumbent closer in the offseason. Five over-the-internet dollars says you had to Google to see who Ramos pitches for. It’s the Marlins with Cishek possibly moving. Look at me taking pageviews away from Google. Ask Jeeves or bust, amiright?
Jarrod Dyson – SAGNOF!
Kole Calhoun – The Hot Dog Man is hitting near .400 in the last week in a run-producing slot rather than at the top of the lineup, which I’m not sure I agree with, but I haven’t agreed with The Sciosciapath since he catcalled Napoli’s mom with, “Va Va Voom!”
Evan Gattis – Is it obvious I group players in the Buy column by their position? I’ve never made that clear. So, it says something that Gattis is with the outfielders. He plays there for fantasy, but obviously is more valuable as a catcher.
Angel Pagan – I almost left off Pagan because he hasn’t been playing every day and, let’s face facts, Jack, he’s not that otherworldly to make it worth it to platoon him. If you’re struggling for runs, I could see looking at Pagan in deeper leagues, or in leagues where you need to roster a player that sounds like a Dan Brown novel. He’s a lot more desirable there than Krazy Albino.
Alex Presley - Some weeks it feels like you can’t throw a rock without hitting five 2nd basemen with power on waivers. Other weeks, it’s all about outfielders that have average and runs. This is one of those latter weeks. “I love ladder weeks!” That’s Jose Altuve mishearing me.
Dexter Fowler – He hasn’t had a truly positive month for fantasy since April, so this drop isn’t just because he’s hurt. Oh, but he is hurt. Let me go into my Bag o’ Sarcasm and pull out a yay.
Allen Craig – And Carlos Gonzalez and Jacoby Ellsbury and Brett Gardner and Joe Mauer and whoever else is hurt. You just look obstinate holding onto these guys, which is even worse because you don’t know what obstinate means. No, it is not what the OB in OB/GYN stands for.
Desmond Jennings – Since my luck with sells has been so wonky of late, I’m half telling you to drop Jennings to reverse jinx him into playing better because there’s some leagues where I can’t drop him. He’s borderline to move on from. He definitely hasn’t looked right since he fractured his finger, so I’d move on in shallower leagues. In deeper leagues, I’m holding him for the chance that maybe he figures out how to hit with presumably a busted up finger. Oh, no, I feel a freestyle coming on… I need a bat that’s muy caliente, Jennings’ fingers can’t count to ten like Jaime Escalante. My Spanish baby mama calls our kid, Omar Infante!