If I may take you back to February of fourteen after twenty when Pablo Sandoval showed up to camp straight from a winter in Milan where he learned how to diet, smoke cigarettes, and eat nothing but greens, and this wasn’t greens like lime-flavored Popsicles and moldy cheese. This was healthy greens. On that blessed day, he was wearing a mankini and when he walked into the clubhouse, Bruce Bochy whistled, thinking he was making a catcall at some fine Dominican honey. That was fine Dominican honey, but only in fantasy baseballers’ minds who thought a contract year and 180 pounds dropped in a sauna was a sign of great things to come. Sure, Sandoval could now twerk without needing an oxygen mask, but what had changed? Well, apparently not a whole lot. Right now, he’s hitting around .200 with two homers. Burp. The good news is he’s been incredibly unlucky with his BABIP, his line drive rate is right about his career norm and he’s due to hit more homers. There’s some bad news, his K-rate is up and he’s hitting more ground balls. Even at 133 pounds, he’s not a great threat to beat out infield hits, so ground balls aren’t good, and for a guy that swings at everything, a K-rate is a bit scary. This all goes back to he’s not this bad — this terrible that he’s been. He will get better and can be either picked up in leagues or traded for for (stutterer!) very cheaply. I mean, I wouldn’t even give someone a Donkeycorn for him right now, but a Brain Freeze or a fourth outfielder sounds about right if you’re trying to acquire him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
A.J. Pollock – How many Pollocks does it take to pick up A.J. off waivers? Two. One to hold the bulb, another to turn the room. Hmm, I might have that wrong
Gerardo Parra – His bat looks like it’s cooling off a bit, which is good so he can hold it, but maybe there’s some sizzle left on the barrel. Barrel sizzle was also the leading cause of hand injuries in the Civil War. I’m a bit of a buff. Sorry, I meant I’m a bit in the buff; I’m not wearing a shirt.
Seth Smith – The other day when the Padres announcers said that The Lisper’s Nightmare was named the Player of the Week last week, I rewound the video to listen again to make sure they didn’t say he was the Padres player of the week. Huge difference. Smiff wath in fact the National League Player of the Week. Yeth!
David DeJesus – Brilliant Idea Alert! MLB should put out loaves of bread that when toasted reveal the likeness of DeJesus.
James Jones – I get the feeling that Jones is going to take six weeks to get over 50% owned, and only at that point will he no longer be worth owning.
Jeurys Familia – There’s a bunch of SAGNOF guys this week so let’s get down to business…Uh-oh, I feel a bastardized Eminem rhyme coming on. You ’bout to witness SAGNOF in its most purest, more rawest form, these guys are far from flawless, most hardest throwing, nah, most honest, I guess I don’t know them, chip off the old block, maybe don’t know their dads either, that’s not to say my fantasy teams are un-Familia.
Jenrry Mejia – Terry Collins said he could be the closer now for the Mets. Collins could also be eating Animal Crackers on the funny farm. That’s Mejia who has a nearly 5 ERA. But, all you need for saves is the opportunity, so I’d own him too. Between Mejia and Familia, I’d go Mejia first since Terry Collins actually said he would be closer most recently. Honestly, it could change today, tomorrow or whatever day is next. I do like Mejia’s moonwalking ability.
Bryan Shaw – Or it could be Cody Allen, still hard to say. Thankfully, it is not Bryon Allen and his talk show that lasted about 17 years because the networks had nothing else for two in the morning. “Flag waving or that Byron Allen guy?” “Well, there is a new Flowbee informercial.”
Hector Rondon – Unlike some of the schmohawks in this SAGNOF section of the Buy, Rondon is the closer, so there’s no reason he shouldn’t be owned. Though the Cubs haven’t exactly been flooded with save opportunities. Picked him up three Mondays ago and my SAGNOF stood still, Hector Rondon-don-don, the Hector Rondon.
Jim Johnson – Or Sean Doolittle or Luke Gregerson. The A’s should just go with Doolittle, and not because he’s the best bet for clean saves, but because his name best approximates their entire bullpen. The only thing we know — and even this is tentative — the A’s want Johnson back in as closer.
Zach Britton – It’s a seriously messy week for SAGNOF! Showalter loves a nice failed starter closing, so Britton could have the edge here, plus that’s who the Queen Mum wants. Darren O’Day could also sneak into save chances; it’s basically a clusterfudge that will make you taffy.
Josh Beckett – Not really the 2.38 ERA pitcher he is right now, but also not terribly bad. Shows you how deep pitching really is that a guy with an under-2.50 ERA is still readily available.
Dallas Keuchel – Charo shouldn’t be the only one saying coochie-coochie Keuchel. Everyone should. He’s looked fantastic so far this year and is worth a whirl in all leagues.
Drew Pomeranz – Pomeranz was a former high-ranked prospect and the winner of the 2011 Westminster Dog Show, what else do you need?!
Mike Leake – His ERA is 3.09 which is nice, but his WHIP is 0.99 which is niiiiiiiice. Yes, 7 I’s. Like three bespectacled nerds and one cross-eyed nerd.
Devin Mesoraco – You ever see this guy’s player page picture? Yikes! Somebody fell off the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, then was kicked in the face by Willie McGee.
Juan Francisco – For a period of time — let’s say a week — Francisco looked like he was AL-Only fodder. Now, he looks better than, say, Middlebrooks, Headley and don’t even get me started on Ryan Zimmerman.
Justin Smoak – He’s starting to become the 1st baseman equivalent to Viciedo. Every time he hits a homer, I think Smoak is hot, then three days and three oh-for-four’s later and he’s not again. What’s all this mean? I guess I’m just being introspective, assuming I’m using introspective correctly, which is doubtful.
Mark Reynolds – Has 8 homers and pretty consistently hits for power when he plays, of course he doesn’t do a whole lot else. Well, that was sweet until I got caveats.
Gordon Beckham – Some weeks there’s a ton of outfielders to pick up, other weeks there’s a ton of middle infielders. This is not one of those middle infielder weeks.
Rickie Weeks – He’s hitting .365. Ouch! I was just hit by lightning for lying, but I wasn’t lying. Stupid smiting God! Ouch! Stop with the frickin’ lightning! Scooter looks like he’s getting about as much play as a guy named Scooter, so if you wanna give the currently hot bat of Weeks a shot, go for it.
Rougned Odor – Probably won’t be around for long with Profar a few weeks away from returning. Maybe Bran Stark can warg into Odor’s body and make him steal 15 bases in the next two weeks, but I wouldn’t count on it.
Shin-Soo Choo – I don’t know why this is and am too lazy to figure it out, but this is the 2nd year in a row he’s looked terrific in April. Maybe on his Kia he’s got an “Early bird catches the worm” bumper sticker, maybe he doesn’t drive a Kia, insulting all his countrymen. I don’t know. All I know is he hit .337 last April and ended up right back at a .285 hitter as he is every year (in May .240 and .224 in June). Yes, he’s hitting lefties better on the surface, but his .412 BABIP is silly and then that silly laughs at how silly it is, then that silly takes the other silly out for drinks, gets drunk and has unprotected sex with the first silly. At some point, he will revert right back to what he always is — a .285 hitter. To give you an idea of his value, on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Michael Brantley is ranked above him, and I could see that continuing, so a trade of Choo for Brantley and anything is surprisingly in your favor. No, I’m not saying sell him for a three-year-old bag of Circus Peanuts, but I would explore offers.