“What about Asdrubal? Asdrubal, Cron, Buxton, Peraza, Morales and Puig? Puig, Morales, Asdrubal, Buxton and Morales? Have I already mentioned Morales? What about Puig? What about Cron? WHAT ABOUT CRON?! Hardwiring is smoking! I think I’m overheating! Don’t throw water on me, I’ll short circuit!” It’s too late. As the water hits the Fantasy Master Lothario’s mainframe, a sickening mix of smoke and sizzle expels from his metal joints. He staggers to a pole and places his metal hand down. With one last flicker, he looks up with his metallic, blue eyes and asks hopefully, “Is Puig facing a lefty?” And shuts down. The metal pole he placed his hand on wasn’t just any pole, it hung Old Glory. As if the ghost of George Washington himself was a fan, the American flag lowers onto the Lothario’s shoulders, draping him like a metal Kid Rock. If only people would’ve just picked up C.J. Cron! My one major quibble with Cron — Or is it queef? I always confuse those two. — is Cron going to have The Sciosciapath try to outsmart the universe and start benching one of the hottest hitters? Not even the Sciosciapath can answer that, for he does not know what his brain tells him to do. Plus, he’s crazy. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, just wanted to say a huge fantasy football announcement is coming in the next few days. Let’s just say it sounds like Stream-o-Nator, but it’s got a football vibe to it. And it’s less lonely. Oh, Stream-o-Nator so lonely! I wonder if the Stream-o-Nator and Hitter-Tron ever tried to date. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
Tom Murphy – Rockies catcher who has power. Now, onto more important matters, has any baseball player with the last name Murphy ever had an odd first name? Murphys are always some normal, Billy, Danny, Dale, Tom, Tommy, Thomas, etc. Well, I’m glad you asked! Turns out in 1914 there was a Dummy Murphy. He was a player-manager for the Charlotte Hornets. Wonder if he played alongside/coached “Grandmama” Larry Johnson. Speaking of which, our fantasy basketball leagues are signing up. Go there and do that.
Wilmer Flores – Imagine if Wilmer were to star opposite Meryl Streep this winter and win an Oscar? He’d have the best cry-face since Gwyneth.
Jose Peraza – If only Bud Selig were alive to see Jo-Pe being such a popular pickup. And, please, before you comment Selig is alive, he was pickled and put into Hangar 51 with the Lost Ark 25 years ago.
Chris Owings – In the last seven days, Owings is hitting .500. Fun fact! Buffalo Wild Wings campaign to call their special, orgasmic wings Owings never made it past the National Menu Regulatory Committee. Same fate almost happened to flapjacks.
Adonis Garcia – I just dropped Adonis on Thursday. Ooh, way to entice us into picking him up! I have a point I’m making, Random Italicized Voice. Funny, I have a needlepoint I’m making. Okay, my point is you need to fill up your lineup with hitters every day as best you can. So, I like Adonis and might pick him back up, but he wasn’t playing on Thursday so I dropped him.
Jung Ho Kang – A song I can sing to Kang is the same song he sings to his dates. “Cause you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no. I’m in when you’re out.”
Jose Reyes – Maybe I should separate Kang and Reyes from being listed together. I mean, would you let the Duke lacrosse team sit together at The Horny Woodchuck during their breaded clam special?
Byron Buxton – We’re lucky a lot of people abandon fantasy baseball during September for football. No, not simply because they’re poseurs. By the way, poseur is the most poseur way to spell poser, right? Any hoo! No, the reason we should be grateful because there’s gonna be people returning next March with no clue what kind of month Buxton is having. You know how Villar is a top ten player on Player Rater? Well, he is. Next year, Buxton could be that good. Not saying he will, but he could.
Yasiel Puig – I call this, “Nuthin’ but a Pweeg Thang.” One, two, three to the oh-for-four. Dodger Dogs and Grey is at the door. Ready to make an entrance, so Puig’s back up. Cause you know he’s up to rip shizz up. Give the Cuban an at-bat so he can bust like a bubble. Compton and Long Beach likely don’t have a huge fantasy baseball blog readership but we’re together and you’re in trouble. Ain’t nothing but a Pweeg thang, baby. Lasorda, Dean Cain and Nyjer in the stands, so we’re crazy. Those bizarre Candy Crush Saga ads are what pay me. Unfadeable, so please don’t try fade Albright (hell yeah).
Jarrod Dyson – I thought Rajai Davis, The King of SAGNOF, would’ve had the coronation of Dyson by now, but now you know how Prince Charles feels. “Charles, where are you going with that tiny pillow of chloroform?” “Oh, nowhere.”
Colby Rasmus – I just went over him this morning. If you scroll back real fast, your hair will grow back (it won’t).
Kevin Kiermaier – Not much beyond a hot schmotato and you shouldn’t be looking for anything but hot schmotatoes, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Raimel Tapia – Honestly, by the time you add him in redraft leagues A) He’s going to be on the road. B) Blackmon will return and Tapia will lose playing time. C) There’s no C. D) There’s no C, but there’s a D? What’s wrong with you, man? Seriously.
Andrew Bailey – It’s not entirely that I think Bailey can’t close games for the next three weeks. I mean, the Angels might get only a handful and Bailey can be fine. My problem with him is a larger Sciosciapath issue. If they tried Deolis or J.C. Ramirez, the Angels could have explored what they had for a closer for years to come. Maybe even trading Street this offseason and trying one of their young relievers. Now, they’re just throwing the old guy, who they know is a broken-down mess, for saves, which will lead to nothing for their future. Why do I care about the Angels’ future? I don’t! I just like to get annoyed at The Sciosciapath and this seemed like a good opportunity.
Tyler Thornburg – You know how dominant Betances is? (Just say you do. For heaven’s sake, just say you do!) Thornburg has been as valuable as Betances this year.
Jim Johnson – It’s like I keep shouting into a cave that I have this Johnson and no one hears me. Which sounds like a setup to an Andrew Dice Clay joke.
Luke Weaver – I’m a little iffier on Weaver than the Stream-o-Nator, but I’m willing to give it a trust fall. I mean, it feels like a pretty safe bet that a lonely robot will be able to catch me. What else is it doing?
Yoan Moncada – According to my figures, he’s owned in 95% of RCLs and has been less valuable than Nadir Bupkis. Maybe he can still turn that frown upside down, and cover his mouth when he’s Yoan’ing, but for this year, I’m looking elsewhere.
Giancarlo Stanton – This must be what it feels like to be a cutter. This hurts me so much to say but Giancarlo came back as a sign of good faith for the Marlins. The Marlins who are about to fade themselves from the playoffs anyway, and make his return moot. Even if they stayed in the race, what’s Giancarlo going to do? Play every third game, hit three homers and look so good in his booty-hugging pants? We all know his groin is perfectly, entirely, wonderfully fine. So gloriously, impeccably fine, we don’t need him to play to prove it.
Jacob deGrom – The Mets’ pitcher updates go like this: if an arm needs surgery, they say nothing. If an arm is injured but doesn’t require surgery, they say the pitcher might make his next start. If an arm is beyond repair, they say it’s a back injury. With the Mets’ Injury Index in mind, they said deGrom just needs to rest and might make his next start. Though, they haven’t said anything in about five days. So, they’re deciding on shutting him down for surgery and he has an arm injury. Just pray nothing happens to deGrom’s back.