Yesterday, on Fifth Avenue, Bud Selig was seen going into a photo shoot. That photoshoot was for him to be dressed as Uncle Sam for posters that will go up around the country. Under Uncle Bud, it will read, “I Want You!” You see, MLB lost a lot of players yesterday to suspensions and now they need people to play baseball. Tryouts will begin early next week and no one will be turned away due to their sex or age. If back in the day your grandma used to don the rawhide in that baseball league of their own, pull up her knee-highs and get her out there! Everyone must do their part to keep baseball together and moving forward. We need some Rosie the Pivoters at middle infield in San Diego and Detroit with the loss of Everth Cabrera and Jhonny Peralta. We need some bombers with the loss of Nelson Cruz in Texas. We’re gonna have some fatherless children on our hands with the troops heading off to battle on the diamond, but ironically Antonio Bastardo‘s kids will have their dad because he’s being sent home. When we’re in the bunkers amongst enemy pitchers, we’ll need someone to believe in with the loss of Jesus Montero. We’ll be without any guys that sound like names from a Harry Potter Name Generator with the loss of Jordany Valdespin, and we won’t have anyone that looks like The Great Gazoo with the loss of Francisco Cervelli. It’ll be a trying time for all of us, but we need to come together as a nation of Razzballers and fight through. Plus, really, for fantasy, we only lost Everth and Cruz, so don’t get so bent out of shape. Logan Forsythe or Alexi Amarista will take over for Everth, probably a bit of both until one emerges. Neither have the value of Everth, but Amarista could have some speed and he knows how to make a great frappuccino. Forsythe has little speed and power, but is dealing with a knee problem, so he may not be at 100%. In Texas, Engel Beltre or Jurickson Profar could see more time, but so far in 49 games Profar has a .244 average and four homers and no steals, so I wouldn’t go dropping anyone great in redraft leagues for him. Rangers also have Berkman coming back at some point in the next few weeks, so they could get crowded again. In Detroit, Jose Iglesias is the Indians’ backup plan, but if I saw him on waivers, I’d back up. In all, a bad day to be a cheater, but a good day to be an American. Now everyone will have a shot to make it to the major leagues. Just don’t be shocked if your grammie tests positive for HGH. She does, after all, take a lot of meds. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and because he was the lede everywhere else, I’m not going to say much on his appeal. (Here comes a 10,000 word diatribe!) Cars cost money, houses cost money, very masculine women cost money, A-Roid doesn’t care about whether or not he’s guilty. He doesn’t care about baseball. He needs to get onto the field and get his contract going. The contract that the Yankees so desperately want to get out of. A-Fraud should be suspended, but it’s a joke that Selig is lording over this whole thing with his holier than thou toupee. He should be made to step down too, rather than retire. Selig knew what was going on during all of these steroid years or he didn’t. Either way, it’s a crime. How do you not know as the commissioner? Are you that dense? If so, you should be forced out immediately. If you did know, then obviously the same holds true. Brucely, I was hoping A-Rod would get to play so the Yankees and Selig would be screwed. The Yankees made a bad contract when they signed him, and they obviously knew he was on steroids then. I mean, c’mon, he hit 156 homers in the three years prior to signing. None of this means I want A-Rod in most mixed leagues, until he shows he can start hitting without his cousin sticking supplements up his bum.
Derek Jeter – Hit the 15-day DL. He said, “If I can get ten years younger in the next two weeks, I’ll be good to go.”
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yanks. You remember what it means when I list the team after a pitcher’s line? It means the team is either very good or very bad. It’s a way of me qualifying a start. Well, now when I write “vs. Yanks” it’s not like any time in the past. That means the pitcher had an easy start. Crazy as this sounds, but I could see streaming against the Yankees.
Andy Pettitte – 2/2 IP, 7 ER. Wanna really mess with someone who’s been in a seven year coma? Show them the Yankees box score.
Alexei Ramirez – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He’s so close to having a great season. It’s too bad he only has 1 homer on the year. In the Horseshoes or Hand Grenades Fantasy League, where they play by slightly different rules, Alexei is having a great year.
Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs and his 25th steal. I just read on ESPN that Rios was not traded at the deadline. With news like that, what do you need me for?!
Bobby Parnell – May head to the DL with neck pain. In high school, it was a pain trying to get to neck. Any the hoo! It’s too bad there’s no closers going down on teams where their backup is readily obvious. LaTroy Hawkins or David Aardsma could see time in Parnell’s stead. The Mets went to Aardsma this weekend, but he blew a chance. So, he’s first choice, but not good. Hawkins is second choice and has looked good, but he’s a Cuddle Boy. In one league, I grabbed Hawkins. I didn’t grab Aardsma anywhere, because I just didn’t need saves that badly.
Wilmer Flores – *wall shaking type scream* WILMER!!! He was called up to play third base with Wright on the “Don’t Open Until September” shelf. Why do you care? Well, you probably don’t outside of NL-Only leagues. See you in the next blurb, mixed leaguers! Ah, now that we have those guys out of here, you NL-Only’ers and I can have some quiet time. Have you seen this week’s Ray Donovan? I haven’t because Time Warner and Showtime are holding my entertainment hostage. Let my shows free! So, Wilmer’s hitting .322 with 15 homers in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. The plus here is he has shortstop eligibility in some leagues. I could see grabbing him in NL-Only leagues and he could be mixed league relevant if he comes out of the gate hitting, but mixed leaguers won’t know because they’re already on the next blurb. Suckers!
Chris Carpenter – From the Files of No Kidding, Carpenter said on Monday he doesn’t expect to pitch this year. Files of No Kidding then yawned. FoNK is a bit of a jerk.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Does he have fans dressed up like frosty mugs called the A.W. Root Beers? No? Well, he should.
Hanley Ramirez – Sat out yesterday due to his shoulder. Whatevs! The Dodgers recalled Dee Gordon. Unfortch, Don Mattingly’s a daft loon and played Punto over him yesterday. I grabbed Gordon in one league where I need steals, but if he doesn’t start today, I will need to drop him for room.
Howie Kendrick – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury that looked like it would require a DL stint. It happened when he collided with Collin Cowgill. Hard way to learn a life lesson, but you don’t mess with someone who sounds like he could be nominated for a Country Music Award.
Jeremy Guthrie – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. I picked up Guthrie for this start. Notice how I didn’t say I streamed him for this start. I picked him up, then dropped him for Dee Gordon. *drives to Bed, Bath and Beyond, walks to the back aisle where the pillows are located, sticks head into the biggest pillow and screams* Okay, I’m good.
Mike Moustakas – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, now hitting over .300 in the last week with 3 homers. You don’t owe me anything; you owe it to yourself to pick him up.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 12th homer as he hits .293 with 9 steals. According to our Player Rater, he’s about the 15th best 1st baseman (about because I’m too lazy count; would be real tough for me if I were on Family Feud and the category were ‘Things You Count.’).
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. I know he’s probably hit waivers in your shallower leagues, so I’m keeping an eye on him to see if yesterday was the start of something. As of right now, maybe.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Cain…Sugar! is another guy that is probably on your waivers. He’s now hit in eight of ten games, the Hitter-Tron has some love for him and he’s looking like a hot schmotato.
Jayson Werth – Was scratched yesterday due to a groin issue. That poor trainer.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. His offense has really let him down this year as he has the 2nd worst run support average in the majors at just above 2.50 runs per game. Odd because at first glance the hitters don’t look terrible, but they are. Against lefties they have the worst average (.212) and the worst OBP (.273), and they’re not much better vs. righties.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (20) and legs (7). Doode is streakier than Bret Boone in the late nineties when he was frosting his hair.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. He’s on fire in SAP.
Clay Buchholz – Will throw off the bump today — Ron Washington, “Bump? What bump?” It will be Buchholz’s first time since July 14th. At the earliest, he won’t return until September. Buchholz is really pulling a Kotchman.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks. Twisted his ankle early on, but was well enough to continue on so who are we to question it? Curt Schilling would question why you’d twist your ankle and not apply ketchup immediately.
Josh Fields – Got the four-out save. After the manager gave him the shot to close the game, Fields said, “You like me. You really like me.” I, on the other hand, don’t. This was the Astros first save since Veras was traded and they’re just as likely to go to Cisnero or Wright next. This shituation is far from ideal.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-2 with 3 steals. First off, the Astros had six steals yesterday, so you’re guessing they scored a bunch of runs, right? They scored twice. Nice clutch hitting, Lastros! Villar didn’t look insanely fast on the base paths yesterday, but he obviously wants to steal every time, so sign me up, i.e., SAGNOF!
L.J. Hoes – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a steal. As if you wanted it any other way, Hoes providing the nice batty call. Speaking of batty, have I mentioned I was going to start Guthrie? Cougar, I’m off to Bed, Bath and Beyond again. We need bigger pillows!
Brett Oberholtzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Oh. Huh?! Right now, he’s pitching better in the majors than he has in two levels of the minors, so that makes no sense. I’ll try to figure it out, hold one second. “Sorry, Grey, I do not know of any opera holsters in your area.” Well, Siri doesn’t know either, so I’m moving on. I still wouldn’t touch Oberholtzer.
Ryan Vogelsong – Will be activated on Friday. I don’t mind giving him a looksie in deeper mixed leagues if the matchups are right, but I would want to see one solid start first prior to throwing him out there, especially in his first start vs. the O’s, which could lead to treble with men on bass for Vogelsong.
Chad Gaudin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Has been impressive so far (2.56 ERA), but I wouldn’t touch him for his next start vs. the O’s. He would touch you though.
Tyler Thornburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Here’s what I’ve said previously, “Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer wrote about him, “Wrote a brief scouting report on Thornburg during the season, so check that out here for a closer look. The gist: he’s an undersized flamethrower with a filthy change, a solid curve, and control issues. If he can command his plus stuff, he’ll miss plenty of bats and could be a nice option in all fantasy formats, except fantasy formats where the dwarf from Willow runs around saying, ‘I’m Grey’s son.’” Wow, didn’t remember reading that at all. Tyler is probably most famous for Richard Chamberlain playing him in The Thornburgs. He sounds like a Trevor Bauer-type to me. So, that’s high risk, high reward. Definitely grab him in NL-Only leagues, but be careful in mixed ones for right now.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Scott! I’m make an addendum to that now. He goes to Safeco next and I’d start him in mixed leagues there.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He has three homers in the last nine games. I don’t know how many that is every three games, but I’m guessing a lot!
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. You know the chant. You sing it for me.
Martin Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. I streamed Perez for this start vs. the Angels. *blows on knuckles, rubs knuckles on shirt* Realizing I could’ve streamed Guthrie. *sees there was ink on knuckles that is now on my shirt* Dah!
Desmond Jennings – X-rays revealed a small fracture on his middle finger. As his owner, I have a middle finger for him.
Carlos Gonzalez – I might end up losing that DL before his 27th homer bet after all. Now the Rockies say they don’t plan on DL’ing CarGo, he’ll just play through the pain. Be interesting to see how much power he has with a busted up finger. And by ‘interesting’ I mean I think it will affect his hitting. By ‘hitting’ I mean, no, I mean hitting.
Brett Lawrie – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hitting near-.400 in the last week and has three homers in the last 11 games. As Lawrie’s fantasy owners’ representative, let me say, “Lawrie, don’t run into a wall.”
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4. His swing looked all right, but he was moving slower than the seniors at the mall at 6 AM ‘speed walking.’ I still wouldn’t be surprised to see him take 15 days off to rest for the pennant chase because right now he’s doing the pennant mosey.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. And Benny Goodman’s got swing. Bing is a king, by far. Mutt has got Jeff, and Eleanor, F.D.R. But we got Anibal! We got Anibal? We got Anibal! Show tunes? Anyone?
Alex Avila – 1-for-4 and his third homer in the last five games. You can keep wondering if you should pick him up or just pick him up. The choice is yours…Pick him up, pick him up…Back on the scene!
Corey Kluber – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Tigers. One day, Corey Kluber may be nothing but a name you tell a bouncer at an after-hours club hoping it’ll get you 30% off on glow sticks, but right now he looks like he could beat any team. Yesterday, he looked fantastic against the Tigers. Tomorrow, the world! Or maybe just resting his arm for his next throw day. Doesn’t matter. Let’s bask in some of his post-game words he started screaming at a woman who was with her impotent husband, “Since your old man ain’t got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin’ you had a real man, don’t ya? I’m Kluber, man!”
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th steal. This will be about as popular as my 2013 Eric Hosmer sleeper post, but I could see Brantley being one of those guys I go after in every league next year. He’ll be 27 years old and there’s 15 homer and 30+ steals in his gams, he just needs to locate it.
Chris Perez – 4 ER and no recorded outs. The fake vomit factory in China has a few fake vomits that just don’t make the cut. They grind up those fake vomits and use them as packing peanuts in Asia. Grounded up fake vomit packing peanuts is what Chris Perez looked like last night. I grabbed Joe Smith just in case, but this was likely a blip. A Hindenburg-sized blip, but a blip nevertheless.