Clay Buchholz went down to Miami and, like most visiting Northeasterns, retired….Marlin batters that is! While his 7-2 record is due to Nova-esque luck and run support vs. year to date performance (5.00+ ERA), this is his 4th straight start of 7+ IP, 2 ER or less, and 6+ K. Maybe there’s some truth to that whole “rediscovered his changeup thing” (and can he share it with Lester?). He’s a must pick up in all leagues for as long as he’s on this roll. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brian Roberts – The concusstador is back in style going 3-for-4 hitting leadoff. Robert Andino can now wait in his shadow and mutter to himself that if his parents named him Jerry, he’d be such a comedy hit that they’d have to start him. During Roberts’s rehab in Triple-A, he hit around .245 with one homer in 45 ABs and no steals. If he can stay healthy, I expect about the same from him in the majors. For the rest of the season, put his stats at nothing/nada/not so good/bleh/more of the same. If he can get his bleh over .280, his nothing could be better than nothing, but for that he has to stay healthy, which is as likely as me removing my personal mustache groomer from my rider.
Stephen Drew – Played his first nine inning game on Monday in 11 months. Meanwhile, J.D. Drew fashioned a back scratcher out of hundred dollar bills. These Drews are worker bees!
Brandon McCarthy – Headed back to the bay for an MRI on his shoulder. Sounds like he’s going to hit the DL again. A real shame– Wait, does this mean Peacock is called up? Or the Aflac Duck (Graham Godfrey)? Color me intrigued, if it’s Peacock.
Brian Matusz – Was hit in the nose during a bunting drill. This is the worst bunting accident since The Love Boat set decorator hung too much bunting from a loose nail and it fell, knocking Charo out for 45 minutes. Coochie-coochie-kerplunk! Matsuz is said to be fine for his start tonight.
Brandon Morrow – As originally said here after reading it elsewhere, Morrow hit the DL. The injury is the oblique and his timetable to return is obliquer.
Tim Lincecum – Bochy went on Jim Bowden’s radio show (which is recorded while the host rides a Segway) and said Lincecum won’t be skipped or moved to the bullpen. He should’ve also said, “Tim, you look like k.d. lang, but you don’t have to throw like her!” In the podcast that’s coming later today, we go over Lincecum. So more to, well, you know.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, and he pitchslapped Bud Norris to break the Giants’ 16 game HR-less streak at home. C’mon, Giant hitters, that’s like your sister beating up a bully for you.
Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Wow, he’s so yawny I can hardly quintana myself. If he ends up replacing Humber in the rotation and you’re in anything but AL-only, listen to Wayne and Garth “He’s not worthy! He’s not worthy!”
Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.46. In the preseason, I thought his 2011 ERA of 2.31 seemed like an aberration. And, obviously, I was using a one time alternate definition of aberration. An aberration to aberration, if you will.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer while batting .357. I should’ve owned him in the RCL instead of Hosmer. Stupid ESPN draft software. I’m still bitter my grandfather Windexed my Greg Luzinski autographed baseball, rendering it illegible, back in 1983. You think I’m gonna let this ESPN draft snafu go?
Giancarlo Stanton – 0-for-4 with 4 Ks. Killing rallies really chaps Ozzie’s hide, so this 4 K night sent Joey Cora on a wild goose chase to find butt balm. “Hello, I’m Joey Cora. My iCal reads, ‘Do what Ozzie says.'”
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer. Hard to say if this game is a “Thankfully, he’s back!” or “I thought the 2-for-4 with the homer game was him coming back, but he still hasn’t.”
Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks at Texas. While it’s customary that the home team’s ground crew tailors the field to their advantage, it was still pretty lousy of them to make the mound all grassy and let Oswalt man the radar gun.
Miguel Montero – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Maybe this will rub off on his religious brother.
Donkeys – The Big Donkey (Adam Dunn) hit his 21st HR, Mini Donkey (Mark Reynolds) hit his 4th HR, and Honorary Donkey, Chris Davis, hit his 11th HR. It’s like the script for a movie entitled, “Wrath of the Three Outcomes” with Jim Thome as General K. Walk Homerton.
Adam Jones – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Pretty soon Matt Kemp is gonna be Matt Temp and Adam Jones is gonna be Matt Kemp. Then that would make Matt Wieters Andre Ethier and Magic Johnson the owner of the Peter Angelos Dodgers. See, makes perfect sense.
Wei-Yin Chen – Another win takes him to 6-2 with a not so bad 3.68 ERA/1.30 WHIP. When he hits in NL parks, he should play a tape of Michael Buffer saying, “It’s now time for the Wei-Yin.”
Michael Saunders – Got the slam & legs. That’s 7 HRs and 10 SBs – our podcast compadre Nick has had a hard-on for Saunders since April. He really should see a doctor about that.
Brad Lincoln – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, and he didn’t fare any better than Kennedy.
Jonny Venters – Got charged with all 4 ER on A-Rod’s grand slam. I suppose that’s one way to avoid being used in 85 games again. The HRs allowed (that was his 4th of the year) and crazy BABIP (over .400) are really the only difference vs. his 2010-2011 performance. His K-rate is still insane (11+ K/9) and he still walks a few too many batters (4+ BB/9). Assuming his arm doesn’t fall off, he should be an elite MR for rest of year.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Pardon me, a Canadian slam and eggs. Oh, you foreigners.
David Murphy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. One of the more yawnstipating names, but when he gets hot, he usually carries that for about a week, which is the Rob Lowe/Demi Moore sequel that’s been in talks for 20 years.
Colby Lewis – Complete game victory at home vs. the D-Backs (9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, 5 baserunners) making it his 3rd straight start with sub-1.00 WHIP. He’s at almost a 1.00 WHIP for the year in 89 innings. The HR balls knock his ERA up to higher-than-xFIP levels but he’s been very good for a guy with a near 200 ADP. Glad that at least someone at the top of this list is making us look smart.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4 with his 7th homer. Following Joe D’s lead, can Mr. Coffee reach out to Harper. I wanna see a commercial with Harper saying, “I like my coffee like I like my eye black.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 0-for-4. On the positive side, you could be Zimmerman rather than just owning him in fantasy.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s 5 for his last twelve with 4 steals in the last ten games. Okay, we’re not reattaching Italy to Africa here, but it’s something.
Jordany Valdespin – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a steal as he saw time at DH. As I said in the past, “He has great speed and some decent power (15 homers, 33 steals last year in Double-A), but I’m not sure the Mets will play him (they should, but not sure they will). Plus, his name sounds like it’s from a Harry Potter Character Name Generator.” And that’s me quoting me! The Mets only played him yesterday because of the DH. Ron Blomberg, “Hey, don’t turn your nose up at that!”
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. It’s a start, but I’d like to see him do it for another few days at least.
Neil Walker – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Damn, I was almost excited about him until I wrote the ‘4th homer’ part. Eh, I’ll muster some excitement anyway. He’s batting near .400 over the last ten games with 2 homers and 3 steals. Not hot schlatto, it’s hot schmotato.
Ben Zobrist – Day-to-day with a bruised hand. He could really use some of that eponymous heat rub but him and his Christian pop singer wife feel it’s an abomination.
Dee Gordon – 3 SBs. That’s now 6 in the last 4 games. His AVG/OBP is still mediocre but it looks like he averted a demotion for now. He’s a solid member of the SAGNOF club even if he keeps irritating Raj Davis by asking for a dollar.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 3 steals. Need steals? Take an EverCab.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, (5 BBs), 8 Ks. Scherzer is really pushing the limits to see how badly you want Ks.
Shawn Camp – Threw a perfect inning to record his first save. Sveum wasn’t kidding when he said Camp would share closer duties with Russell. The only problem is he said that on May 27th and Camp didn’t record a save until June 11th.
Tony Campana – 2-for-5 with 3 SBs. Now at 21 for the year in 118 ABs (yeah, that’s a 100 SB pace). This guys’ SBs are like bananas or the circle-jerking monkeys that love ’em – they come in bunches.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and Plouffe goes the dynamite! Seems like Trevor likes interleague play and we’ve got the ploof. In the last 4 games vs. CHC and PHI, he has 7 Runs, 3 HR, 11 RBI. Ride him while he’s hot.
Brandon Moss – The new Oakland A’s 1B (which has been like being the new Spinal Tap drummer) launched two massive HRs in Colorado. Guess that time in the thin-aired PCL this year was good training. He’s been bouncing around the minors ever since his failed audition with the Pirates in 2009. He’s worthy of a flier in deeper leagues (we just won him in our cash league) but expect Schierholtzian power (15 HR/year). Definitely worth streaming in all leagues for the next 2 games in COL.
Ryan Cook – Got his first save of the year @COL with a 2K, 2 baserunner scoreless inning. They say they’re going to closer by committee. They should make Cook the head of the committee and let Balfour and Fuentes take minutes.
Tyler Colvin – 1-for-2 with his 7th homer as he hit in the leadoff spot. Hmm, maybe it wasn’t Fowler, maybe it was just the leadoff spot in Colorado. Can we try Ryan Zimmerman there just to be sure?
Alex Rodriguez – Hit a grand slam to tie Lou Gehrig for the most career grand slams. When asked if being in the same company as The Iron Horse got him pumped, he wholeheartedly agreed. He was subsequently disappointed when he realized he wasn’t in the company of pumping iron whores.