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 The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now
And wonder what thong to wear, now
I say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, Domonic, you’ll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever, and ever, we never will part
Oh, how I’ll love you
Together, together, that’s how it must be
To live without you
Would only mean heartbreak for me

Greetings!!! Tis I, Beddict the blessed, back up in that a** like a boomerang, and I’m not talkin Eddie Murphy. You know the thrown tool, typically constructed as a flat aerofoil, that is designed to spin about an axis perpendicular to the direction of its flight? We’re already off-track here! It’s been a rough couple weeks for your dear, dear, dear, most dearest friend Beddict, for not only has he been given the cold shoulder by Razzball Radio/TV, but he’s been c*ckblocked from writing for basketball next season. I’ll be making a televised announcement on where I’m taking my talents this Friday and “The Decision” may shock you. [Jay's Note: Uh, Football Razzball?] Guru is hosting, it and will be naked. You won’t notice, for his body is 100 percent covered in tattoos. Anyway, you’re not here to listen to my whine and moan, you’re here for Disgrace/Delight!! Let’s bang this out like a meth’d out stripper!

Bryce HarperTha God is back!!! If you’re new to Beddict(me) then there’s a chance you missed THIS outstanding column from the pre-season. Read it and weep, for Bryce is our savior. Praise him.

Steve PearceUhhhhhh, I’m confused. Is this 31-year-old midget truly batting .322 on the season, with 10 yack jobs, including 3 in the past week alone?! Pearce needs to be owned NOW, but probably not for much longer. We all remember Chris Colabello….or do we?

Kevin KiermaierI’ve honestly never heard of this dude in my life. What I can tell you is that he’s produced a greater output from the 9 hole in the past 2 weeks than Longoria seemingly has all season. Seriously, who is this guy? Kiermaier is veiny, throbbing, and giving facials to any and all opposition he stares down. I’d recommend goggles.

Tim LincecumIs he back? Is it truly possible? Did I take my hot tub time machine back to 2009? Big time Timmy Jim is getting funky out on the mound and I’m riding him till the wheels fall off. I’m assuming you’re all intelligent enough to have swooped him up, but if not, DO SO NOW!

Kyle SeagerI could have named you every Mariner hitter in the lineup, for WE are MASHING baby!!!! Get on the M’s train now, ’cause it’s world series or bust ya’ll. Seriously though, Seag’s is ethering the competition like Nasty Nas did Jigga back in 2001. I wish sports writers would beef like rappers do. Wouldn’t that make posts much more interesting? People would tune in, just to read about how I tagged and bagged Guru’s ex fiancé again, leading to his response via his Soundgarden cover band. Yes, Guru; I stuck it in her Black Hole Sun and Washed Away the Rain (yep, she’s a squirter). Imagine the possibilities!

Orange is the New BlackExcuse me for being late on this absolute classic. Seriously, this shizz has me hooked like a pure batch of Bolivian snow. I’m obviously late to the party on this one, but I shall make up for it with a full OITNB themed post next week. If anyone steals my idea before then, we’re going to have serious issues. Ya’ll writers don’t want it with Beddict. This is a MUST WATCH and Elder God approved. Witness!

The LeftoversLeft me juuuuuust intrigued enough to catch episode 2 next week. I wouldn’t necessarily label it a delight, but it wasn’t a total disgrace either, and being that we here at disgrace/delight don’t have a no man’s land section, HBO’s newest show is blessed with this coveted spot. Yep, HBO lucked out on this one for their weak sauce ratings lead me to believe Leftovers is going to go the way of John from CincinnatiOh, you’ve never heard of that show? My point exactly. [Jay's Note: I'm sure everyone has heard of Deadwood though, which in my top-5 series of all time…] Anyway, I won’t begin to try and explain the ridiculous plot but it’s worth a watch.

 

Players Who Disgraced Themselves This Week:

Justin Masterson- Just a horrific pitcher this season. I’m done with him, as you should be.

Jason HeywardBatting .091 with 0 bombs and ONE RBI is an excellent way to make the disgrace list. Being drafted by Tehol and hitting below .250 with 8 dongs on the season is how you get pimp slapped by Tehol. Man, I used to have such high hopes for this young stallion. Ahhhhh, memories. Well, those days are long gone and Heyward has gone from that undeniably cute kid that all girls love, to that awkward man who everyone says peaked in high school. DISGRACE!

Oswaldo ArciaIf there was any doubt the Elder Gods had my best interest at heart, those were put to rest after Capozzi cut me off the last time I was on Razzball TV. No, not because of Capozzi (he will receive extreme punishment for his crime) but because I was about to name Oswaldo as another player that needed to be added who was owned in less than 50 percent of leagues. How embarrassing would that have been in front of those millions of viewers? It would have lived on in infamy similar to Tom Cruise when he did jump squats on Oprah’s couch. Anyway, Arcia’s a bum, but I’m sure he’s cool dude in real life….

Billy ButlerWasn’t this dumpy lumberjack looking mother effer supposed to be the next Edgar Martinez? They both got dumps like a truck, but that’s where the comparisons need to cease. TWO HOMERS along with a minuscule 34 RBIs? To put this in proper perspective, Domonic Brown has more than double the homers and 5 more RBIs……I shouldn’t have mentioned Domonic, for the Elder Gods advised against it one night after I filleted and opossum in their honor. With that being said, pick him up if he’s a free agent. Feel free to drop tha jelly-belly.

Everth Cabrera - 13 stolen bases on the season…….SEVEN times caught stealing? For a young man that many predicted would lead the league in stolen bases, that’s simply not cutting it. When I drafted E-Cab in most of my leagues this year, I was thinking I drafted the new Fresh Prince, but instead I got stuck wit Carlton. His ineptitude on the base paths combined with his pathetic hitting has me longing for Reid Brignac. You ever ran naked, backwards, through a corn field?

Kevin Gregg- Gregg is about as relevant as Christian Slater, but I had to mention the fact that this old “never was” is taking a job away from someone more deserving and basically stealing a paycheck. Tell me this chump shouldn’t be pitching in some dilapidated ballpark in Mexico, where the fans pelt him with their rat meat tacos on a nightly basis until he is kidnapped for ransom only to be left naked and blindfolded in some gutter after the abductors realized nobody wanted him back, and you’re lying to yourself. No offense, for I’m sure he’s a nice guy in real life…….

christian-slater-body-2

Penny Dreadful Season Finale- Not since The Sopranos have I been more incensed about a disgraceful ending. Oh wait, I forgot about Dexter!! The Dexter series finale deserves an entire 1000 pages or so dedicated on the ineptitude of the writers. Being that the Penny Dreadful ending I speak of is the season finale rather than the series finale, I suppose you could make the case the show deserves another chance. With that being said, it’s about time we replace the Christian Slater jokes with Josh Hartnett ones. Dude is possibly the worst actor I’ve ever seen. [Jay's Note: Lucky Number Slevin was really really good though.] Other than him getting drill bit Taylor’d by Dorian Gray and for some reason turning into a werewolf in the last episode, I can’t think of one significant thing the guy did. We’re talking about a former leading actor for blockbuster films here. MISTER PEARL HARBOR!! Now he’s the worst actor on a massively disappointing show that realistically should have been cancelled after one season. THIS IS HISTORICAL FALL OFF TERRITORY. Yep, he’s the new Slater, most definitely.

You, the readers, are what keeps me going in this crazy mixed up world of fantasy sports writing, and I thank you for that. You are the blood that keeps my heart beating, the air that my lungs breathe, and the cialis that keeps my wang erect. Speaking of wang, I got a couple 6′s over here waiting for a rusty trombone. See you next week and don’t forget to leave your comments and questions below….. One last very important thing; Follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 if you want that raw, powerful, and Elder God blessed verbiage all day long.

  1. Zar says:
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    I saw that the god was back and thought it was wieters….

    If Harper is god what does that make Stanton?

    I picked up lincecum, Cain, and Hudson. I’m gonna rename my team the giants.

    Great read!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zar: LOL . Wieters was supposed to be the Greatest of all time.I’ll never get over his college teammates referring to him as ” God.” Simply legendary. I think thats why I hate him so much. How could he not live up to the hype????

      Stanton is the Yardfather of High House Marlin

      With that staff you can’t be’ touched playboy.

      Glad you enjoyed. thanks for reading.

  2. Toe Knee Arm Ass says:
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    Don’t you dare jinx Harper!!!! You must stay true to Dom Brown. He needs you more now than ever his bandwagon is empty.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Toe Knee Arm Ass: Ill never give up on Prince Domonic. I own him in every league I’m in, even the ones I have no need for an outfielder. He means that much to me. he’s mentioned in my opening poem

      • SwaggerJackers says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: You totally put your Demonic Brown curse on Harper.

        0-4 today.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @SwaggerJackers: he’s going to hit 2 bombs today. I promise

  3. Chuckles Tiddlesworth says:
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    Hmmm, raw meat tacos …

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chuckles Tiddlesworth: rat meat bro. rat meat. you ever had the street meat in TJ? Yummerz

  4. Miss Ives says:
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    I recruited Mr. Chandler for his guns and fearlessness, but his biggest help to me was his random Latin/exorcism skills that came out of nowhere! Good thing I drafted Todd Frazier, who I recruited for his HR power but apparently he can steal bags too..

    Fantasy Baseball is the next best thing (behind Mr. Gray of course) to get that inner demon to make an appearance.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Miss Ives: HAHAHAHAHAH I forgot about the part of him exorcising tha demon. Wow, where did that come from? what a mysterious character.

      recruiting Frazier onto my team of extraordinary gentleman was genius. unfortunately i kept dropping him when streaming hitters and he was eventually snagged by another. How was I to know he would keep this up all year?!?!?

      Grey is known to F#ck people crazy or are you speaking of Dorian?

      • Miss Ives says:
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        Well I confess I was speaking of Dorian, but I would be delighted to know the touch of such an irresistible mustachioed gentleman.

        Frazier has enjoyed that touch.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Miss Ives: he certainly has. Ill see if I can work something out for you

  5. Teddy Heater says:
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    I’m watching the Penny Dreadful finale tonight, not so sure if I want to now, doh!. I will say my wife said mid way through the season that she thought Harnett was a werewolf (she watched the Twilight movies, so I guess that helped??) Anyways, I like the show so far, I really like the chick, she’s bat shit crazy so I definitely dug her character. I’ll hit you up on Monday on my thoughts or tonight if I’m pissed about the finale. Happy 4th brotha. WELCOME BACK, Harper & Arenado………come on Tumbo !!!!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Teddy Heater: Yea, I mean, i liked the show in the beginning as I’m a sucker for all those old stories somehow combined for an epic tale thats a total ripoff of”League of extraordinary gentleman.” wasn’t a fan of the finale tho. the whole season built up to THIS? ill still watch season 2. just a tad disappointed. Kudos to your wife. she’s a smart woman. Smarter than I.

  6. james says:
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    I have the best/worst problem in a 12 team h2h dynasty, My Of is…. Harper, Stanton, J Upton, McCutchen, Braun, Dickerson, Yelich and Tavares (3 OF slots and 1 util slot, so most of these guys are riding th pine).

    I need a 1b there (have Hosmer, and Prince on the DL). Who should I trade, and What should i be trying to get in return.

    Right now another manager has a similar problem at 1b. He has Abreu, freeman, Agon, Trumbo and Craig (again 1 1b slot and a UTIL, so he has some good players riding the pine too, and playing some bad OF like Gentry and Joyce). We have exchanged a few emails, but is there a good 1 for 1 trade there…. It is a dynasty league, so these guys get kept forever (sort of the reason i ended up with 8 OF, i did not expect so many to pan out)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @james: uhhhhhh wow, you’re stacked bro. Id try to go braun and throw in yelich or taveras for abreu. you simply have to take advantage of this depth. #HammerTime

  7. The Duchess says:
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    What a sexually charged post Tehol- sounds a bit like you might be sexually frustrated. I’ll have to try to speed up the delivery for your new puss (hope Siamese is ok?) she likes condos too though don’t worry.

    You missed a few obvious people on your DISGRACE list….
    1) Allen Craig- he sucks & w/Taveras back he’ll likely find himself odd man out
    2) Ian Desmond- who could end up with the highest strikeout % in lg this year bc if he’s not hitting the occasional HR he’s striking out
    3) Alex Cobb- he was in last wk’s disgrace so I guess you didn’t want to repeat yourself but holy cow has he fallen off compared to last season.
    4) John Lackey- last wk he was a 2 start and basically shit the bed in both starts but lucked out w/win in 2nd…
    etc etc I could keep going and name almost everyone on my team. Or maybe I’m just a super cranky, bitter owner today. You’re the best. xxo

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Duchess: Craig is not on my radar. I despise him and always felt he was overrated Desmond will turn it back on no doubt. Cobb should pick it up tho I’ve never been his biggest fan. Lackey’s just a gutter rat. looking forward to that puss

  8. SwaggerJackers says:
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    Tehol, how could you fail to mention Mike Morse on your worthless player list?

    His ESPN player summary shows a total of ZERO HR, RBI, R, etc over the last two weeks.

    It’s not easy to play everyday and not even smack a sac fly RBI.

    • I Be Teheran It Up says:
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      @SwaggerJackers: I was thinking the same… Dropped Morse last week… the streakiest of hitters, Gahbage!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SwaggerJackers: he’s a total bum. was on Mariners last season and started the same way. I have no patience for this peasant

  9. I Be Teheran It Up says:
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    I just traded Iwakuma and Arrieta for Harper last week so u best not jinx him Beddict!! Also someone in my league just dropped Jason Heyward is he worth an add over any of my OFers: Dickerson, Gordon, Pence, Harper… or I could drop a SP: Heaney, Gausman, Eovaldi, Duffy. Good stuff Tehol…thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @I Be Teheran It Up: beautiful trade broseph!!! you can’t jinx someone the Elders have already blessed. It’s been written. F@cking heyward. I wanna say yes you should add him and he’s better than Gordon but maybe he’s just not. I’d either wait a bit longer or drop Gausman

      • I Be Teheran It Up says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Thanks Bro Montana, you da man!

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @I Be Teheran It Up: no, you tha man!!! have a wonderful 4th brotha

  10. Clint says:
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    While you’re mentioning Pearce, can you put in a good word with the elder gods to send some lightning bolts up Chris Davis’s behind so he can at least salvage his 1st round value in the second half of the season already? I got him off waivers in my h2h pts league and I’m beginning to feel like THAT was a wasted move.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Clint: WAIVERS!!!!! The Elder Gods approve. he’s going to off. It’s been written

  11. Greyismyhero says:
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    T Dog…good stuff, you still the man! SMOKE THE GREEN!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Greyismyhero: thanks pimpjuice!!! you tha man!!! puff puff passssss

  12. matlock says:
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    5×5 roto 12 teamer non keeper:

    my utley and betts for his segura and keuchel

    thx!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @matlock: ughhhh, I think I’d hold, Matlock. keep it real and happy 4th to ya

        • matlock says:
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          @matlock: does cj wilson or garrett richards do anything for you?

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @matlock: love richards!!! he’s a hog and totally blown my mind

  13. himynameis says:
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    as a harper owner in a keeper league, this kid better start living up to even half his hype or he wont be occupying a keeper spot anymore. maybe i’ll redraft him, but his injuries and average production is not worth his draft-day price

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @himynameis: what did you pay for him? trust you, you’ll be back obsessed with him after he destroys the competition in the second half

      • winnie-the-poo says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: $34. also got trout for $52. i hope youre right!!

        • winnie-the-poo says:
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          @winnie-the-poo: btw if trout is $52, mccutchen is $40, is harper a pretty good value there? i really didnt know, kept him on his talent alone. stanton is like $30 in my league as well

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @winnie-the-poo: yea, I’m wishing i took stanton instead hahah

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @winnie-the-poo: I paid way more for Harper than that. just a little less than what trout went for. how do you think I feel? hahhaha. he’s going to get loose as a goose

  14. Matt says:
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    Calhoun or O’s Chris Davis ROS?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Matt: Davis, man. I’m not gonna turn my back on Crush. he will set it off like Queen Latifah! Soon, my friend. soon

  15. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Let’s take our show on the road! Or at least to YouTube. “Penny Dreadful” was plenty awful and “Orange” is “Oz” without the butt rape. I’m Crazy Eyes to your Piper. Ha!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Guru: its already happening. you just don’t know it yet. I kind of miss the butt rape. is that weird?

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        I’ll get the butter.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @The Guru: fish oil provides a more natural feel. I’ll empty out some pills

  16. Joel says:
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    I’m holding the lead bro. Whatever your shortcomings have been on you end, you are very much welcome to blame me for leeching some of your power to give my team a charge.

    • Joel says:
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      @Joel: what a butchered sentence. HA!

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Joel: most of my sentences are butchered

      • goodfold2 says:
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        @Joel: only problem i see is the first “you” should’ve been “your”

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: I would never blame a fellow brother of the Elder Gods. Joel, we can both still pull this out. I see glory in your future

  17. Peter Nincompoop says:
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    Always appreciate the write-up, especially when you can work in the “Carlton Dance”. Still trying to champion Russell Wilson (spitting image, right?) doing it for a Seahawks promo. Have a great holiday weekend.

    P.S. Harper is a “god”. Time will prove it…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Peter Nincompoop: Peter Peter the grim reaper, whaaaaaat up!!!? yea , I love me some Carlton dance or just Carlton in general. Thank you and enjoy your 4th as well.

      Harper is coming

  18. your mom says:
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    20 team 5×5 h2h (keep 8) league:
    My j.upton for moss/anibal
    I will be keeping both moss and anibal if i take this trade.
    Thanks

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @your mom: I’m ok with that for shodo. lets do it.

  19. gordon shumway says:
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    Hola Tehol- Heyward has been killing me as well. Why do I keep falling for him? If I’m in need of an SP, what type of dude do you think I might be able to target in a trade for him? Or is this dude just droppable? Gracias!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @gordon shumway: hola, mi amigo. Como estas? Pretty broad spectrum and based on someone believing in his upside. Maybe like a garret Richards but that may even be tough. Just ask around or hold and hope for the turnaround

  20. bored says:
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    12 team h2h dynasty – R,HR,RBI,AVG,SB

    ROS J. Peralta or J. Lowrie or A. Simmons or E. Cabrera?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @bored: extremely tough call. I like all to pick it up . Simmons maybe has the lowest upside but is real solid. Everth is dead to me. Id prob go Lowrie but it’s more of a gut call

  21. pull the trigger?? says:
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    any way to search my question—Its tough to scroll tru 800 comments for my answer from u if i dont check back soon

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @pull the trigger??: I don’t believe so. you can click the box which notices you of followup comments but not sure if that emails you EVERY comment on whole post. but in my case thats not many

    • bored says:
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      @pull the trigger??:

      Press Ctrl+F and then search for your name. Your welcome. ;]

      • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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        @bored: works for when you’re looking for a certain player vs others (it can save you asking your own question). revolutionary stuff when somebody told me about it.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @bored: WHAT!?!?!? when did that happen? thats awesome. I don’t know hot to thank you for you’ve just changed my world

    • Balmy Tundrastein says:
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      @pull the trigger??: good news for you is my comment right here is only the 63rd.

  22. Mevs says:
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    Bryce Harper sucks. Watch him sometime.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mevs: whatever you say, Broseph

  23. Julio White says:
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    tehol beddict showing the world how someone with so little can do so little.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Julio White: its hard work broham

Comments are closed.