The Pirates and Cardinals played a marathon game yesterday. 19 innings that saw 47 lineup changes, 16 different pitchers and 12,000 fans at Busch Stadium leaving simply because the beer cutoff was in the 7th inning. “This is baseball sober? Damn, I’d prefer a third divorce.” Tim Kurkjian’s voice is cracking at the sheer craziness of the game. Can you believe this game, fellas?! They used more electricity to light the scoreboard than was generated in the entire Sudan all of last year?! Andrew McCutchen saw a total of 42 pitches, that’s more pitches than Michael Pineda threw this year!? Michael McKenry went 0-for-8 and caught all 19 innings, which means he crouched down more than Jon Rauch trying to look at me in the eye?! Where’s my crack team of complementary voice-cracking interns to get me more trivia?! Lost in the 19 inning game yesterday was the dazzling start Jaime Garcia had — 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners and 10 Ks. I wasn’t a huge fan of his on Friday, but that was last week so whatevs. In the last 6 weeks, Garcia could provide value if his shoulder is back at 100%, which from the looks of this start, it is. I’d go ahead and grab him in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Starling Marte – Lands on the DL with an oblique strain. I once had an obelisk strain trying to figure out 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Johan Santana – The Mets are deciding whether or not to shut Johan down. Ever since his no-hitter, it’s been all downhill and he’s really not ownable in most mixed leagues. The morale of this story is the Mets can’t have anything nice, which is supported by Wikileaks released documents, showing top secret correspondences between Dwight Gooden and the Freemasons back in 1987. Gooden sold thirty-five seasons of heartache for an eight ball of coke. Dwight says he’d do it again, but next time he wouldn’t tell Keith Hernandez about his score.
David Wright – 2-for-5. His post-All-Star break average is at .244 with 5 homers and 3 steals, and he hasn’t gone deep since July. And here I thought he was a .350 hitter. Oh, no, I didn’t think it. Some of youse did.
Ryan Ludwick – 0-for-2 yesterday, but he homered twice on Saturday. He now has 25 homers to Jay Bruce’s 25 homers and a .272 average to Bruce’s .255, but Bruce has 7 more RBIs. It could come down to the final weekend for this race that only I’m interested in.
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, o ER as he got his fifth win yesterday to lower his ERA to 1.35 to go with a 0.72 WHIP and 110 Ks in 60 innings. Let’s take a moment to fully appreciate the year Aroldis is having on the field (off the field, shizz has been like something you’d get from Ziggy Sobotka). On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s in the top 5 for all pitchers this season. Yes, not just relievers. He’s also top ten for all players. He’s been more valuable than Kershaw, F-Her, CarGo and Pujols, to name but a few. Oh, and he has more Ks than Jered Weaver, you know the starter with 81 more innings. 110 Ks for Aroldis in 60 innings. Even if you don’t understand K-rates and play fantasy more as a leisurely pastime just to annoy your loved ones, Aroldis has the best K-rate since 1900. That’s the year nineteen hundred naught-naught when hitters used a broomstick and they’d swing because their clergyman told them it would help their cousin in the insane asylum lose “the devil’s cuckoo clock.” In short (which is to say to belabor this point further), Aroldis is doing what has never been done before.
Michael Young – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his first homer in 88 games. That’s a double snowman, which is appropriate because of how cold his power has been this year. If you still own him in fantasy your team probably has a double snowman’s chance in H-E double hockey sticks.
David Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he bats .306. I’ve long been a fan of David Murphy, in the non-geisha way. If he’s out there in your league, he’s hitting near .330 in August with 2 homers and the Rangers are headed home to face some weak pitchers. Yes, please and thank you.
Elvis Andrus – 4-for-6 with one run. Now is hitting .300 on the year with 19 steals. Basically, however Hamilton’s year goes is the inverse of how much Andrus runs. Great year from Hamilton, no steals for Elvis.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Pretty uneven season from Davis this year — Bill James, “How dare you!” — but every time Davis has hit a homer, he’s followed with at least one homer in the next game, and sometimes a homer for a few games after. If you don’t have a corner infidel, Davis should be decent value for another couple of games.
Adam Dunn – Hit his 400th homer on Saturday. More impressive, he’s trotted around the bases 400 times.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.76 and increase his WHIP to 1.17. That’s in 104 1/3 innings so we’re not talking about that small of a sample size. His Ks are still pedestrian but he’s worth taking a flyer on. Related to nothing in particular, but I just got off the phone with my 85-year-old grandfather and this is a decent story. He’s dating five women right now and he uses different names for all of them because he doesn’t want them to Google his real age. Yes, I tried to explain to him that no 70-year-old woman is Googling anything let alone his age. Anyway, he was out with one of them and they ran into one of his paisans and they kept calling him by his real name, Joe, but his date knows him as Nick. So they get into the car and he’s driving her home, and she’s like, “Why did they call you Joe?” And he says it’s his middle name, so she asks to see his driver’s license. Well, that would blow his cover, so he says he doesn’t have a license because he has a bunch of DUIs. Yes, my grandfather told her he has “a bunch of DUIs” rather than just tell her his real name. Naturally, she tells him to pull over and call her a cab and she doesn’t want to see him anymore. So, he ends the story with, “Eh, she was just a two anyway.” That wasn’t him rating her beauty. He’s dating five women and can’t remember their name so he numbers them. The most unfortunate part of this story is the crazy doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Jeremy Guthrie – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks after losing a no-hiter in the 7th inning. Anyone who’s read Razzball for a minute (that’s an Urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time) knows I used to love me some Guthrie. We had a love affair back in 2008, and went our separate ways. Occasionally writing each other…I congratulated him on signing a $8 million contract, he congratulated me on getting the site to crash less. Looking at him now without the afterglow, I see a guy that has been good in the last three starts, but gets Fenway next time out so I’d avoid.
Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. “Damn, that’s a beautiful thing.” That’s Lincecum noticing Kendrick’s 4.20 ERA. Kendrick gets the Nats next time out and I’d avoid him in most mixed leagues, since I don’t trust him at all.
Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-5 and hitting around .180 in August. Charlie Manuel said, “This team is playing like it’s two junebugs having sex with an audience of turkeys.” No one knows what that means, but I’d look elsewhere if I owned Rollins.
Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. You know who was throwing Bills in this game? The Stream-o-Nator after it was caught on Saturday in a theater with Fred Williard. Stream-o-Nator, “I was doing research!”
Luis Cruz – 2-for-4 with a homer in his 2nd straight game and he’s hitting over .450 in the last week. Well, if hot schmotatos don’t come from the oddest of places. If your league’s deep like the mind of Minolta, I’d grab Cruz.
Michael Cuddyer – Back to the DL with an oblique strain. Damn, haven’t seen a strain run through the majors this bad since the MLB decided to play a game in Mexico City. Cuddyer will probably be out for three weeks, and is droppable in most leagues, unless you play in a league where oblique strains is a category. Then score for you!
Eric Young Jr. – Left yesterday’s game with a intercostal strain. The highway running along the coast of Florida? Well, whatever, he’s still probably gonna hit the DL. He should join Mat Gamel and Lorenzo Cain for the University of Phoenix course, “Not Getting Injury On The Job When You Finally Get A Chance To Play.”
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Not an exceptional game, and I’m kinda only mentioning him because I can’t go without mentioning him or Medlen. I love them like a fat kid loves cake. They’re my Bieber!
Ryan Vogelsong – 3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. I know that song. It’s usually sung by Jonathan Sanchez.
Cameron Maybin – 4-for-5, a run, 3 RBIs and his 21st steal. Literally, half the Padres hitters got a steal yesterday and steam was literally coming out of Vogelsong’s ears and the baserunners literally danced for Joy Behar.
Jarrod Parker – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. I streamed Billingsley and Parker because the Stream-o-Nator told me to and I didn’t think about it any further. When I went back to look at their lines, I fell in love a little more.
Coco Crisp – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s GRRRRRRRRRREAT! For cereal.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 with his 24th homer. His name should be Mike Trhomer or Trsteal. Out has no business being in his name.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer this weekend, as he sat out Saturday vs. Niese. Yay, ESPN Harportes can come out of reruns.
David DeJesus – 3-for-4, 2 runs and hitting over .300 in the last week with 3 homers. Looks like that Peruvian man who reported to the Vatican that he saw an impression of DeJesus on a piece of toast wasn’t a metaphor for DeJesus being toast, but for him being hot like butter on toast.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 solo homers and a steal for the blackboard special, the Lumberjack Slam & Legs. Hill now has 3 homers in the last two games, and 17 homers, 9 steals and a .298 average on the year. Aaron Hill does not get the Gas Face, y’all.
Krispie Young – 2-for-5 with a steal. On Saturday, he went 4-for-5 with a homer. TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask. It stands for That’s Chris B. Young. We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo. Own Krispie, immediately.
Armando Galarraga – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. After the game, he was presented with a 1970 AMC Gremlin that needs some work.
Brad Mills – Astros fired their field general, Mills, which would make him today, Cap’n Grouchy. The Astros owners said in a statement, “Someone needs to be held accountable for all of our losses and we can’t fire ourselves.” When a team can’t draw fans with wins or a new stadium, there’s only one way to do it — $5 says they’re gonna hire Bagwell or Biggio to be their manager.