From fear that MLB would crack down on Performance-Enhancing Goggles, Francisco Rodriguez was traded to the Orioles. Or was something else at work besides the Orioles wanting Dor-K to pitch the 8th, setting up Jim Johnson? Here, try this. Put your arm down, now pick it up, now put it down, now move your furry eyebrows up and down. Jim Henderson, The Muppet Master, pulls all strings. He orchestrates all. He forces Beaker to say, “Me me me me me me me.” Bit of a control freak if you ask me, but it worked out for him this time, since Henderson will be taking over the ninth inning now in Milwaukee. For those holding John Axford for saves, it could happen since he’s been solid for the last two months. The Brewers could still trade Henderson or Axford. Or the Brew Crew could send out 2014 season ticket offers reading, “Braun’s Back Without the Acne!” Only time will tell. As for K-Rod, in most redraft leagues that don’t use middle relievers, you can lose him. This did come across the wire in Baltimore, when you trade for K-Rod, then you better watch your back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Marmol – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER as the Dodgers promoted him from the minors. Great, now Dodger fans will be like, “I got to the game late and stayed for about 90 minutes, then left in the 7th. In all, I ended up seeing two-thirds of an inning by Marmol.”
Matt Kemp – Might be headed back to the DL. Vin Scully’s missed less games in 78 years of broadcasting.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Be nice if he started hitting bombs on the reg. I like Ryan Franklin and Ryan, Meg. I’m a poet and I’m aware of it.
Andre Ethier – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Ethier could have a bunch of stats still left in his bat and, if Kemp does need the DL, Ethier won’t have to worry about being benched.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th steal. Pwetty, pwetty good.
Mark Ellis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting near .550 in the last week. To you and me that’s a hot schmotato for your middle infidel.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I wonder if it was at all awkward when he was playing across from Hanley after they both dyed their hair orange last year. Was it like when you run into that girl in the cafeteria and you keep saying you lost her number?
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first multi-hit game in ten months. I’m guesstimating, but it’s been a while.
Mark DeRosa – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer, after he went 3-for-4 on Monday. I almost pointed him out, but he’s in a blahtoon at 3rd base. He could have some value in AL-Only leagues, but DeRosa leaves a bit to the imagination with his up-down-up escalator capitalization.
J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. On the year, he’s batting .225 with 17 homers. He usually bottoms out to around .220, then slugs his way back to .240. Looks like he’s about to go on the upswing. Literally.
Chris Carpenter – Shut down his rehab with renewed discomfort in his something-or-other. This isn’t even a story at this point. He’s going to retire, or wish he did. Really, Carpenter’s just being a martyr.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.77 ERA. His ERA was over 4.00 for the last two months, so it was nice to see this start from him, especially since I own this schmohawk. He will be shut down, but now that ESPN updated his player card that he will be shut down, selling him isn’t going to be as easy. Let’s not forget I told you to sell him six weeks ago. Or I guess forget it because now everyone knows it.
Alex Rodriguez – Could be banned for life. If the ban goes through, Tipper Gore is demanding he wear a warning sticker on his forehead.
Josh Hamilton – Will miss another couple of days after his ankle locked up on Sunday. Now he knows how Lindsay Lohan feels.
Tommy Hanson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Before we start reaching around on each other, this was against the Twins. I’ll believe it when I see Hanson do it against a major league offense.
Ernesto Frieri – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. I’ll be you for a second on the East Coast. Last night around 11 PM EST, “Well, I had a nice day of pitching, I think I’m gonna watch some Antiques Roadshow and turn in. That Mark Walberg is so much better than that other Mark Wahlberg.” *waking up in the morning* “WHAT THE HOLY HECK FIRE DID FRIERI DO?!” So, how much again is it for Arte Moreno to get Papelbon?
Alex Cobb – Left yesterday’s rehab start with a blister. Pass the blame on a water fountain and take some Valtrex, be good as new! Blist-Alex is still on track for an early August return.
Jenrry Mejia – The guy whose parents took the whole rolling the R thing too literally when naming him is coming up for a spot start on Friday. Here’s what I’ve said previously about him, “Mets loved his arm, then put him in the bullpen, then into the rotation, then into the bullpen, then an injury… Basically, the Mets seem to be taking the Joba route with him. So far, similar results. He used to have a high ceiling, but then was derailed by Tommy John. Not the person.” And that’s me quoting me! This year he’s had better results with a 2.55 ERA and a 9+ K-rate in under 25 minor league innings. I’d spot start him in NL-Only leagues, but until he’s up for good, he’s not worth the 97 words I just devoted to him. (And you read it, sucker!)
Carlos Torres – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Has a terrific K:BB ratio (25:4) and his ERA and WHIP through 28 1/3 IP are 0.95 and 1.02. The catch: he’s 47 years old (he’s a Latin 30). He has a long track record of being below-average in the majors and minors. He might’ve figured something out and could see grabbing him in deeper mixed leagues. I’m still not convinced he has anything but matchups appeal when at home.
Kris Medlen – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Medlen, “Is that female deodorant?” That’s the smell of the ocean, because Beachy is breathing down your neck. Maybe with Beachy nearing his return, Medlen isn’t just pressing the bill of his cap. Medlen, the possible extinction of the Flat-Billed Pitchypus is riding on your shoulders!
Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-4 and his third homer in his last six games. He’s out of this world! Hmm…
Jesse Crain – Hopes to be ready this weekend. Depends how his shoulder feels. That’s also the best way to check pork shoulder, according to BBQ Pitmasters.
Alexi Ogando – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Ogando + Healthy = Khakis. Well, my math is pretty off there, but was supposed to equal a solid fantasy number four.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. That’s what I waited two weeks for?! His first two starts is what I waited a month for?! I could’ve beat his production off waivers from Jhoulys Chacin for the last month. I dropped Erasmo in my 12-team mixed league, cause I don’t have time for him to figure shizz out; I got ratios I need to fix. I could see holding him for his next start vs. the Twins, but it’ll depend on your fantasy team shituation.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. He looks like he’s 12 years old. A 12-year-old Joe DiMaggio! Kidding, he looked more like a 12-year-old Hunter Pence. Hey, it’s all good if he’s hitting. Just don’t go near Jose Tabata’s wife.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Being surrounded by Yelich and 61*nick must’ve made Stanton feel like he was 22 again.
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors. I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!
Zack Cozart – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer with a 4-for-4 in the first game, then Dusty benched him. You rest hot bats? That’s a new one, Dusty. Well played, you crazy gooftard!
Todd Frazier – 5-for-10, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Quick, Dusty, get him out of your lineup!
Jay Bruce – 4-for-8, 4 runs and a steal. Who’s the boss? Bruuuuuuuuce (and Tony Danza).
Tony Cingrani – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, 3.18 ERA in 70 2/3 IP and more Ks than innings. Can someone Gillooly Cueto?
Jason Grilli – To the DL with a forearm strain. Too bad, so sad. I own Melancon. I’m going to now do a dance. I call this dance the Macarancon. Hey…Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Macarancon! Hey… Macarancon! All right!
Russell Martin – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th steal, and hitting near .350 in the last week. You know whose fantasy team is doing well? Alyssa from Los Angeles.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .243. Pedro from Pittsburgh had been struggling to make any contact for the last week (1-for-17 entering the game), but considering you drafted him instead of Mostsuckass, I won’t hear complaints.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.51 ERA. This was his best major league start, but he gets the MIA Marlins next so get ready to raise the bar.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting over .350 in the last week. He has 19 RBIs on the year in 293 ABs. If he gets 1500 at-bats this year, he’s a lock for 100 RBIs.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Someone should figure out how many spots Myers moves up in next year’s draft for each homer he hits this year. I’m guessing around seven spots. Start him at 200 overall for when he was called up and he’s now at 165 overall if he has a season-ending injury today.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and a home run. 15 more to go!
Jon Lester – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Welcome back! Did that sound excited? It wasn’t supposed to. Was just a figure of speech. How is welcome back a figure of speech?! Oh, go screw, Random Italicized Voice. So, Lester returned from a lay off of general soreness, which is a notch below Major Pain, but above Fatigued Civilian. Lester’s peripherals say he’s supposed to be slightly better, but only slightly (should be around a high 3 vs. his 4.50 ERA). If you have him, you gotta hope for the best. If you don’t have him, how is he of your concern?
Jarred Cosart – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks as he matched up against Jarrod Parker (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks). I wonder if Subway Jared threw out the first pitch, carrying his stupid fat pants. In Minute Maid Park, they went to Jared’s. Cosart now has a 0.60 ERA since his call-up and is a WHIPping nightmare waiting to happen. Still hard to recommend him outside of AL-Only leagues, maybe deep mixed leagues if you need to gamble.
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .500 since his call-up. Yup, I’m grabbing him in all leagues where I need a middle infielder. Yup, even that league. And that one too!
Brandon Moss – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer as he hits over .400 in the last week. Outproducing your corner man? Prolly. Stop hatin’ and start waiver-addin’.
Miguel Cabrera – Sat out yesterday, but doesn’t expect to go on the DL. In his place was Don Kelly. Leyland said, “Going from Miggy to Don Kelly is like going from Marlboro Reds to smoking…Hey, does anyone have a smoke?”
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Tigers are JH-balanced to restore the natural nutrients in a Miggy-less lineup.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K vs. the White Sox. This guy’s turned more corners this year than Pac-Man. Hold on one second, phone call. Yes? Hey, 1981. Sure, you can have your reference back. So, Porcello was striking people out at a solid rate prior to this game, but at least last night he didn’t give up any runs. I liked him when he was K’ing people, so as long as this game was an anomaly, I still like him.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.31 ERA. I’m very happy for everyone that picked him up in April (no, I’m not).
Adam Eaton – 3-for-4, 3 runs. I told you he was a sleeper! *slowly slinks out of the room*
Junior Lake – 3-for-5, and his 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .545 since his call-up. Yeah, I grabbed him in a few leagues. Plus, he has shortstop eligibility, even though he’s playing outfield. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon!
Jason Marquis – Will have Tommy John surgery. They should have the acne-faced kid at the movie theater who changes the marquee do the operation. For symmetry sake!
Will Venable – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, as he showed across the diamond, Maybe Able, how it’s done. You get three over-the-internet dollars if you know who Maybe Able is.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and two steals. Kid Rock would say, “BawitSAGNOF-da bang-da bang-diggy-diggy-diggy!”
Aramis Ramirez – Took batting practice yesterday. Then grabbed a snow cone at the pitch ‘n putt. Good day overall.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-4 and his 2nd steal in as many games. Seems like since Braun went for an early siesta the Brewers have been stealing a lot more. It could be a club directive to pump up the offense. Whatevs it takes to get Aoki to start stealing like he did last year.
Donovan Hand – Left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand. Luckily, his name isn’t Donovan Crotch.