It was a big day for one of my favorite mancrushes, Brandon Allen, as he was called up. In Triple-A this year, 18 homers, 7 steals and a .426 OBP. He’s cut from the same cloth as all the donkeys that have come before him. Hopefully, he’s less 2010 Big Donkey, because Adam Dunn looks like he’s still got David Eckstein in a bjorn and letting the little man swing for him. In the majors from Allen, first, expect nothing. That’s always a good way to start. At least that’s what I tell the ladies. If the Diamondbacks give Allen ABs, which I do think they will, he will get 10 to 13 homers and a few steals. That’s the baseline. When you hear the baseline, you nod your head. Or maybe that’s the bassline. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wily Mo Pena – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to stop sucking.
Brett Anderson – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Jonah Hill clearly said don’t trade for him.
Ike Davis – Ike’s taking so many hits while on the DL, somewhere Tina Turner’s smiling. Now Davis could need ankle surgery in three weeks. By the time the Mets figure out Davis’s injury, it’s going to start to hurt him for next year. Hey, Mets, go to a different health care provider and get off the HMO!
Carlos Beltran – Love how the rumors of him being traded heat up the same day the Mets management says the trade of K-Rod doesn’t mean they’re throwing in the towel. Kinda like how Rocky didn’t throw in the towel until Apollo was dead.
Bobby Parnell – Still my favorite for saves, but now the Mets are saying it could be Izzy or even Pedro Beato. I think the Mets are just trying to enhance Izzy’s trade value by saying he’s the closer. He might get a save or two until he gets on the casino bus.
Carlos Gonzalez – Supposed to be back for Friday’s game. To give you some insight into the inner sanctum of the ‘stache, I almost made Carlos Gonzalez a sell in this afternoon’s post. I’m pretty worried about the wrist. If it hurts his power, you’re looking at a top outfielder in name only.
Julio Borbon – Could miss two months if he needs surgery on his ankle. If this news is disheartening for your fantasy team, you have bigger fish to fry. And for those that drank too much Wild Turkey last night and found us after they Googled “Borbon fantasy,” the hallucinations will stop soon.
Bartolo Colon – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Colon blow!
Andruw Jones – Hit two homers last night to pad his once Hall of Fame stats. They should start a Baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame in Cupertino. Andruw, Delgado and McGriff can be the inaugural class.
Justin Morneau – Was cleared to resume non-baseball activities. So he can now do pretty much the same things he’s been doing since April.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Two and a half more months of starts like this and we’ll be copacetic.
Carlos Marmol – 0 IP, 5 ER. YOU STUPID MOTHER– We interrupt this program to remind all our readers the importance of family. Call someone you love and tell them they’re special. OR CALL MARMOL AND TELL HIM HE’S PIECE OF SH– Or just go outside and smell the flowers. ONLY IF IT’LL TAKE THE STINK AWAY FROM THIS MARMOL OUTING!
Mike Napoli – Slam and legs. What are the chances? Same as my chances with his Mom.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 15th home run. If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March and draft Asdrubal in the first round of every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ faces (assuming I did a draft in person).
Carlos Santana – 2-for-5 with his 14th home run. I only mention this because I want a dozen catcher questions in the comments. I crave your attention. Shower me with it!
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. He has a 2.80 ERA, yet I don’t think I’ve felt good about starting him all year. Cust kayin’.
Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 6 ER. His Outkast song would be, So Inconsistent, So Frustrating.
Trevor Plouffe – Here was an IM exchange between Rudy and I: R: You should mention Trevor Plouffe as a Buy. G: Did you make up that name? R: No. G: Are you lying? R: No. G: Are you sure? R: Yes. G: His name sounds like the sound crap makes when it hits the toilet water. R: He’s a shortstop with power. For deep leagues. G: How about I mention him in the roundup? R: That works. G: Should I make up a team name for this make believe player? R: I hate you. Rudy likes Plouffe a lot in AL-Only leagues. Solid power at a weak position, though he could struggle for average. Yesterday, he hit his 4th homer. Mark Whiten, “In one game?!” No, Mark, on the year.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s my Bart, and I am his Sideshow Bob.
Delmon Young – 3-for-4, if only he could come off the DL every night, instead of every 15 days. Member three days ago when I put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half and you did a double take? Luckily, you didn’t do a spit take, that could mess up your keyboard.
Derek Holland – I will simply say I could pitch against the Mariners in Safeco and I throw like a girl (no offense to our 3 girl readers; if you have any friends, your man Grey is single again. Hello!).
Jose Bautista – Twisted ankle has JB day-to-day. Since I don’t own him anywhere, why couldn’t he be more seriously injured? Excuse me, I need to be unbiased. Please let him be okay (after the season).
Travis Snider – 3-for-5, with his 6th steal. Don’t drink whatever it is Aaron Hill’s drinking with all that stealing and no power nonsense. Please.
Eric Thames – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and…Okay, everyone on the Blue Jays went 3-for-5 with 3 RBIs so there’s that. I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity. Al Gore invented that. After the internet.
Jon Rauch – What’s six-eight with tattoos on its neck? A giraffe at the Bronx Zoo. Oh, and the new Blue Jays closer. For right now at least.