On the first day of the season, I said something profound and uplifting. Don’t go back to look. I’m sure I did. Today, I’m like Mark Twain talking about summer in San Francisco but less pithy. The coldest winter I ever spent was the last day of the baseball season. It’s metaphorical, friend. Trust me. Here’s where I tell you how everything’s gonna be okay. How there will be a next season, barring the Mayans taking things into their own hands… I can’t do that. I can’t tell you there will be a next season. *checking notes* Actually, I can do that. There will be a next season. Hey, that’s good news! Also, next year we’ll know not to draft Morneau. That’s more good news! And next year we’ll be done with the hair transplant so girls will start to react favorably to us. That’s good news too! So, I know you’re blue, but without clouds there’s no sun. Actually, I don’t know if that’s true. Again, metaphorical. Or is that meteorological? You know what? These aren’t things we need to get hung up on. We’re gonna sit here, read all my year-end recaps that’ll be coming in the next few weeks and wait until next year. Even if gangrene sets into our legs from lack of circulation! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – Laid down a bunt single then had himself removed from the game to guarantee he won the batting title. That’s not how Ted Williams would’ve liked it. He risked a .400 average to take all his ABs in the last game of the season. The only time he quit while ahead was after death.
Miguel Batista – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. After the Mets-Reds game, Batista learned that this great start was all a hilarious stunt for a new show on MLB.TV called “Last Wish” starring the incomparable Steve “Psycho” Lyons. Gotcha, Miguel! Stay tuned for Sean Casey’s talk show ‘The Mayor’ where guests come out and chat while standing on 1st base.
Cubs – Reached out to Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman to take over their vacant GM job. Unfortunately, Bartman deflected Friedman and the Cubs couldn’t make the catch. Moises so mad!
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. I told you he’d be a sleeper this year! Deep, effin’ REM sleeper. I hate this schmohawk. I’d like to write Beckham’s blurb with cut-out magazine letters from the basement of an undisclosed location.
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now here’s an underperforming sleeper I can get behind (every year and every year he fails to live up to expectations).
Hector Sanchez – 1-for-4. How many Sanchezes does this team have? Jonathan, Freddy, this other guy… Does Sabean think Sanchez translates to 35-year-old player? Call them Tres Sanchezes and they play just outside Creme de Carmel, California. BTW, with the addition of Hector, Sanchez just edged out Sandoval as the surname with the highest net weight in the Giants clubhouse.
Phil Humber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Wasn’t in love with his K-rate this year and I’m not convinced it’s ever gonna nudge above 7. Though he can maintain around a 3.75 ERA next year. #Humberbrag
Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew the save and the Braves playoff chances. What a Wohlers.
Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he beat the Royals’ Bruce Chen who went 8 IP, 0 ER. There was no actual runs in this game. Mercy rule was called so these two teams could return home to people who care about them.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and 2 more homers against Scioscia and the Angels to bring his season total to 30 homers. Me, Napoli and his mom’s nipples have made it to the mountain top! And it’s chilly! Which is perfect weather. So we have to snuggle.
Dan Johnson – Hit a huge homer for the Rays to tie up the game in the ninth. How is Johnson even playing? He was Pipp’d by Monoboy. What a great day for baseball. Speaking of which…
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers with one being the walk off winner that took the Rays to the postseason. Hopefully now Longoria can forget about finding out who Tony Parker was sleeping with.
Mark Teixeira – 2 homers, 5 RBIs and… Oh, who cares? Did you see the Rays, Braves and Red Sox games?
Cole Gillespie – Homered in the heat of the ninth.
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 27th steal. I know I’m a damn fool for Young, but bear with me. Or bare, if you’re a naturist. He had 41 singles this year and 26 walks. That means he was on first roughly 67 times (I say roughly because if he legged out a single and then there was an error, he’d end up on second, I’m not looking into shizz that closely). So imagine he played in 155 games and got on first 150 times. He’d have like a thousand steals. Or 50+. Either way, please let someone free Eric Young Jr. from platoon duty. He’s got a family to feed!
Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks. Sure, it was against the Astros B lineup… Wait a second, that’s not their B lineup. Aw, Shuck.
Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Mariners which is worse than the Astros B lineup.
Milton Bradley – Was arrested yesterday on suspicion of battery. No word yet on Milton Bradley’s accomplices, but I’m sure the Parker brothers will be brought in for questioning.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks. The Nationals season is like getting a massage at a shady parlor. Awkward, messy, but at least you get a happy ending.