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Guess who’s bizack? The boy T.B. Mizack, a.k.a. Mr. snatch-a-trick! Greetings and salutations, ya’ll! I can’t begin to imagine the devastation you felt not having a post from yours truly last week. I envision you feeling so powerless, so weak. Were you forced to scroll through sports websites, that, for some God’s forsaken reason, still use mother effing slide shows? That’s all inconsequential now, for I, Tehol Beddict, am back.

Now, you all may also be wondering about my absence on Razzball Radio this week, and for that, my excuse is anything but true. If you’ve been reading my posts for the past year or so, you know about my vast amount of various charities. Two weeks ago, I led an expedition to the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro, bringing along all the children of a nearby orphanage I fund. Soon after we heroically reached the mountaintop, I decided there was no better time for a photo opp, to bring some much needed notoriety to the needs of the children of Tanzania, and possibly re-establish my floundering modeling career. What a grave error in judgement this turned out to be, as I took one faulty step, tripped on a rock, and tumbled 400 yards down the mountain side. If not for a local Tanzanian explorer deterring my continued slide, I would not be typing this to you now, nor typing to you ever again for that matter, for I’d be deader than Neve Cambell’s career. I owe my new friend, Ambakisye, a great deal of gratitude, for he saved my life, keeping hope alive, that one day I will be a world famous writer.

My nose was badly broken, so I’ve been popping enough OXY and Valium to incapacitate a rhinoceros, so one would clearly understand why I could’t be seen on television like this. Next week is a possibility, but only the Elder Gods truly know my fate. Again, noting the fact that I’m highly medicated and literally nodding off while I type this, we’re going to have to keep it short and sweet this week on Disgrace/Delight. (Jay(Wrong) gets down on his knees and thanks the Gods. Now he has time to watch The Fountain for 223rd time). [Ed. Note -- This is true. Except it was Big Trouble in Little China...] With no episode of Game of Thrones being shown this next Sunday, I feel like next week is the perfect time to dive balls deep back into my GOT Disgrace/Delight epic posts you have all grown to know and love. Ok, before I pass out, let’s get on with this. Take Heed!

 

Players Who Disgraced Themselves This Week:

Will MiddlebrooksHitting below the Mendoza line and back on the DL for 15th time this season. To make matters worse, I traded Grey Evan Longoria (I was obviously 5 O.C.s deep) for Jay Bruce, K-Rod and Middlebrooks, who I expected to have a breakout season. A real shocker when the next day he broke his finger and they brought back the insanely overpaid Stephen Drew. You can safely drop Middlebrooks in all formats now, for it’s a certainty he has lost his job, his pride, and hopefully his girlfriend, Jenny Dell, whom I’m hoping is getting banged out by LaVar Arrington as we speak.

Brad Miller- The kid for MY Mariners is batting a robust .156 on the season. What is it going to take to get him out of the lineup? He must be blackmailing M’s Manager Lloyd McClendon with the naked photos I sent him of me with his daughter. They’re hot, trust me.

David Price - I feel like a broken record, but isn’t this dude a former Cy Young winner and a Cy Young runner up as well? The 4.28 ERA and 1.21 WHIP are certainly unacceptable. Grey somehow magically knew to avoid him this season. The Gods must have spoken to him in his vapor-induced slumber. Why they failed to inform me, I’ll never know, but I curse them for it!!! I’m sorry, Elders, I take that back. Please end your seemingly endless downpour of punishment upon my noggin, for I can’t take much more. Who’s wang do I have to su…., eeeeeer, I mean, what sacrifices do I need to make in order to come out of the basement in the #1 RCL league? I’ll do anything, and I do mean, ANYTHING.

Joe Mauer - It hurts me to put such a great guy in the disgrace category (not really), but Mauer is purely one of the top-5 overpaid players in baseball. Reminds me of Matt Damon, and all the duds he’s beed dropping over the past 2-3 years. We Bought a Zoo was cute though.

1840859

Gio GonzalezThanks for the great year and enjoy the DL, buddy.

Taijuan Walker - Can we please just announce the rotator cuff surgery now, so I can stop wasting a DL slot on him?

The Chicago Cubs anytime Jeff Samardzija is on the mound, or just in general I suppose- Another 7 inning, scoreless gem, wasted by the Cubs on Wednesday afternoon. To make matters worse, I actually bet on the Cubs to win the game. That’s right, I bet on the winless Samardzija and his hapless band of bums to actually pull off a victory. The game is still ongoing as this is being typed, but I’m just assuming the Yankees pull it out. What’s more sickening than John Travolta’s hair plugs, you ask? Smadge is sporting a 1.46 ERA, yet he’s 0-4. That’s what.

 

Players Who Delighted Me This Week:

Edwin EncarnacionThis stallion is hotter than fish grease, as he’s seemingly going yard every day of the week! Kudos to you if you scammed some peon into selling low on him. My apologies to you if you are in fact, that peon who sold low on this insanely beastly man. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Victor MartinezV-Mart must be using the same nutritionist as A-Rod, for he has recaptured the power of his youth! In fact, Martinez never has displayed this kind of power throughout his entire career, so it’s a tad suspect that at age 35, he’s looking like Barry Bonds in his prime, but I’m sure his owners will take it. Detroit certainly doesn’t miss Prince Fielder, who by the way could be in the #Disgrace column each and every week. Man, that guy fell off like a bad bag of dope.

Trevor BauerI absolutely love this kid. How the Arizona D-bags traded him away for a backup shortstop, 18 months after drafting him, is one of the more disgraceful events to occur in major league baseball’s illustrious history. I was shocked when my Mariners passed on him for the since forgotten, Danny Hultzen, and I believe they will regret it mightily. Seriously, what are the Diamondbacks doing with their roster? It’s truly grosser than a heroine’d out Courtney Love, posing nude, for some charity nobody cares about.

Chris Davis- I miss owning Chris Davis in the same fashion David Spade misses having Chris Farley around so that he’d be able to continue riding his coattails to fame and fortune. Drafting Bryce Harper over Chris Davis is one of my life’s greatest regrets, along with that botched penis enlargement surgery. Crush blasted 3 long balls Tuesday night so I’d say it’s safe to say he’s back. Fear of regression is for the weak and simple minded, and Crush ain’t never let me down.

Non MLB Delight of the Week: 

Hope Springs- What a delightful romantic comedy-drama, starring the both legendary, Tommy Lee-Jones, and Meryl Streep. This movie gives hope to couples out there, stuck in the rut of being in the same day in and day out,  passionless routine. Steve Carrell even appears as the couples counselor, though I feel his talents were pretty much wasted in this film, but that’s besides the point. Actually, maybe ya’ll should skip this flick but make sure you’re parents watch it, Mmmm-k. Cool.

Thank you for joining me for another episode of Disgrace/Delight. This has officially been the shortest column I’ve ever written, but I literally can’t keep my eyes open any longer so I must retire to the bedroom, womanless I might add, making matters even more shameful. I solemnly swear upon my faith in the Elder Gods that I will come back stronger and more vigorous than ever before. Just have to kick these pain meds first. Didn’t seem too tough for Macaulay Culkin, right? Who are we kidding, I’ll be on my knees in highway rest stop bathrooms begging for these pills once my doctor stops refilling my prescriptions but hopefully I’m still able to write and appear on razzball radio, for your personal enjoyment (or your displeasure).

 

As per usual your comments and questions are much appreciated as is you following me on Twitter for fun times @TeholBeddict47

 

 

 

 

  1. Clint says:
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    I’m surprised you aren’t getting excited Matt Adams may be getting all hot-pocket to please you, Tehol. Last 7 days: 2 runs, 1 HR, 4 RBI’s, 1 steal, and .375 ain’t too shabby considering the disgraceful bats surrounding him in the MLB these days (looking at you, Gyorko).

    As an aside, am I the only one that thinks it’s astounding that even with the number of TJ surgeries taking out the top pitchers, the batter studs still can’t get their preseason doldrums out of their system to start knocking the cover off the ball already? Or at least have good averages if they’re still warming up for distance later? How can Brian Dozier (#4) and Charlie Blackmon (#2) be dominating my 12 team roto league while Evan Longoria (#93) and Ian Desmond (#96) have “guided” my team to 5th place. As Pedro Cerrano once said, “Must wake up bats…” NOW.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Clint: Yea man, Adams is greeeeeeat at hitting doubles with nobody on base and then not getting driven in. It’s an absolute joke and it disgusts me in a major way.

      I have no idea but Jo-Bu is sorely needed for some of these hitters. Longo, who you mentioned, is absolutely killing me in multiple leagues as I drafted him everywhere but he always seems to let me down in some way or another. My hogs have all let me down. Its saddening. Thanks for stopping in C-nuts

  2. Thom says:
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    My W. Myers (sorry I thought Randy was still in the league) for Harang and Ozuna.

    • SMLV1 says:
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      @Thom: Hell No

      • Thom says:
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        I have Blackmon, A. Jones and Gordon. Need to deal at one OF for SP.

      • Tehol Beddict

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @SMLV1: Hell to tha nooooooooo, is right. whats SMLV1 stand for? I’m intrigued

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Thom: Thom, I’m sorry but you can’t make that move. Will Myers has to turn it around at some point,………right? wait you asked me. No, don’t do the trade

      • Thom says:
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        Yeah man. Thanks. Losing patience with a lot of my players.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Thom: I’m in the same boat. I just gave away Longo for spare parts

          • Miz says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: Trust me I hate my team but its getting better, Im a gutsy owner so I dropped Prado, Butler, A. Simmons, Bourn, A. Ramirez sticking to Allen Craig still and now dropped P. Fielder….I just dont have the patience anymore (venting)… Our league is pretty competitive but thanks to pickups and trades Im at 3-4, STILL HOPE!
            *Remind me to never draft a pitcher in the 1st round! (kersh) One and done

            • Tehol Beddict

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Miz: yea never do that again! i took strasburg in 3rd in a bunch of drafts and severely regret it. Why did you drop simmons? he’s having a nice year

              • Miz says:
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                @Tehol Beddict: @Tehol Beddict: Its a H2H pts league and he just started producing besides batting ninth in that lineup does him no favors, hanging onto Segura as my SS after trading Asdrubal Cabrera (for Morneau). Available options in FA are Alcides Escobar, Villar, or Simmons….what say you bro?

                • Tehol Beddict

                  Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @Miz: all 3 serviceable but I like Simmons

    • Miz says:
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      @Thom: @Miz: Btw I have Will Myers too! Lol I guess my point is hang in there!

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Miz: I’m trying miz. I’m trying

  3. Chicken Dinner says:
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    NO!

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chicken Dinner: What’s good, C.D.!?!?!? how’s the wife and kids playboy?

  4. Connor says:
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    J. Villar or Jed Lawrie ROS?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Connor: I’m a big Lowrie fan, Con-Dog, but if you need speed Villar, but thats the only reason

  5. Steve says:
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    Speaking of d’backs questionable pitching choices, what do you make of the Archie Bradley situation? Been holding him since the start of the season but sounds like we might not see him until July at the earliest. Would you try to move him? Should I keep him on my bench when I could use his spot to stream pitchers? H2h 14 team daily

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve: for a 14 teamer I might continue to hold if you have this long haha. It would hurt for u to miss out on him if that occurs but really I have no idea what they’re doing. Their season is over so they will probably hold him down as long as needed to save money. I’m a fan tho. Surprised they haven’t traded him yet for a utility player

  6. Jimbo says:
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    What hitter is either Max Scherzer or Zack Greinke worth?

  7. Plumbing4 says:
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    any news on if the Rangers will bring up Gallo to replace Fielder if he goes on the DL and has the neck surgery? Trying to figure out if Gallo is worth a look

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Plumbing4: I highly doubt it, but Gallo’s power gives me an erection

  8. Wacha Wacha says:
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    Hi Tehol. Who would you add in 5×5 categories league with OBP
    Gyorko, B Gardener, Pollock, Solarte, Mesoraco

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wacha Wacha: well, it would depend on positional need my friend. You’re all over the place here. I’m a Brett Gardner fan for all around play but if you Gyorko provides major value at 2b as does mesoraco possibly at catcher. Pollock is scratched off my list and thats foshodo

  9. Jim says:
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    Hey man– I’m in a 5×5 NL-only roto league, and I’ve been offered Cole or JZimmermann for my Pollock or Cuddyer. What do you think? You’d rather Cole over JZim, right? And you’d rather give up Pollock? I could also get Allen Craig in the deal if I offer another piece, and Lyle Overbay’s killing me with Trumbo out — worth it to try to include him? Thanks.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jim: Sure, picking up craig now would be great as he’s catching fire. Probably prefer Cole over Zimmerman, yea, but tough call. I have no feelings about Pollack. dump him for whatever u can get. hold cuddyer. thanks for reading man

  10. picard56 says:
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    Bauer pitched 145 innings last year in total I believe, will there be some kind of innings limit for him this year?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @picard56: I doubt it at this point. He’s ready to ride but you never know. I haven’t heard anything but I bet they let him play it out especially if they in wild card race.

  11. Miz says:
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    Just traded my Asdrubal Cabrera for Morneau because of Fielder surgery… Good move?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Miz: yea I’m wit it mizzzzzy. I’m feelin morneau in a major way

      • Chicken Dinner says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Highway robbery. Makes some more trades with that guy.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Chicken Dinner: C.D. knows what he’s talking about. I may offer him my job

  12. Musy says:
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    I’ve been offered one of Pedroia/Arenado/Reyes and Homer Baily for Chris Sale and Drew Smyly. Who do you like ROS out of those three Offensive players, And is this a deal I should jump on?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Musy: I have man crush on arenado. Sale is an elite pitcher tho so ur praying homer turns it back on which hopefully he will do since he’s a freaking 100 million dollar pitcher and all. I’d do it yea

  13. KCC26 says:
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    Hey! Which side do you like here?:

    A: blackmon, seager, mesoraco
    B: p. Alvarez, Ervin Santana

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @KCC26: very tough cuzzo, but I may lean towards proven power stick of Alvarez and dipset call santana

  14. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Nice work and Jenny Dell just moved in with Brock Holt. Sorry ’bout the busted beak my friend. Sincerely hope this doesn’t lead to you turning tricks at truck stops for rocks. Again.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Guru: the smiles on the kids’s faces made it all worth it.

  15. Pope says:
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    It’s been too damn long, Tehol. Where the hell have you been

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pope: Did you not read the intro to the post??!?! hahaha. Because it’s fully explained there but I appreciate your longing for my presence. I missed you too

      • Pope says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Haha of course I did, it was more rhetorical I suppose. I just needed to express my feelings!

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Pope: And I thank you for it, P-Diddy. I won’t miss another week unless I have a hang gliding accident in Peru

  16. Julio White says:
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    No death threats against readers this week, tough guy?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Julio White: I was highly medicated when I did that, Julio. Plus that moron continuously hounds me. Plus, I bet your life I would whoop the skin off that pop tart so what do you care? I hope this doesnt affect our relationship. Thanks for reading!!!!

      • goodfold2 says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: i guarantee there will be a bloodbath if somebody shows up at one of those 32 in 32 (times 32?) cities where you’re at claiming to be Kid A. If anybody is doing this homework assignment that week it won’t be hard to pass
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss9HhiReXmE

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @goodfold2: HAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHA

  17. Leifer maddness says:
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    i need serious help here!!! which side is better
    a, justin verlander and martin prado or

    b, ervin santana, and mike cuddyer

    this is a stuff one for me

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Leifer maddness: Verlander side, I must say. I’m not even a verlander fan whatsoever but you got to go there. Ervin been strugggggalin lately tho too

  18. Abdoozy says:
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    What happened to the orphans? I mean, a broken nose is a terrible thing, and believe me I understand the painkiller thing can kind of put you off your game, but are the kids still up on Kilamanjaro waiting for you to lead them home? WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN??

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Abdoozy: The Orphans were safely led down the mountain by my trusted partner. They are back at the school and learning a great deal. hopefully they one day too, will be able to write for a fantasy sports blog and be D level Male models

  19. fausto says:
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    Tehol might just be my new favorite razzwriter…dick jokes and pill problems I can relate all too well. My sp is shallow but I got offered liriano and blackmon for MadBum. My OF is currently gomez, marte, brantley, Ajax, springer, crawford, calhoun. I know liriano is crap this yr and hes trying to sell high on blackmon but madbum has been more bum than madison lately. Thoughts.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @fausto: Well thats exciting!!!! love being someones fave, cuz you’re prob tha only one.

      Interesting trade offerI wouldn’t say you have a huge need for blackmon whatsoever, especially with the massive decline thats bout to hit him. on the other hand I m a Liriano fan and don’t believe he’s a huge drop off from bum bum but I could be wrong there. Very wrong. I’m fine either way on this one. Id pull that trigger if I were you I think. whats rest of your staff look like?

      • fausto says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: theres the catch. I trade madbum im left with fister, santana, porcello, estrada, leake, plus stream spot. .. RP are frieri, mejia, shaw and im debating on grabbing brothers or joel peralta (balfour is throwing some major ball fours) or allen.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @fausto: ughhhh, id probably just hold and pray that Bum returns to ace form

  20. Tehol's Horcrux says:
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    I can see Tehol’s fantasy football draft right now. Because it’s all about poooootential and workout warriors and nothing else matters: 1. cordarelle patterson 2. bishop sankey 3. chris johnson 4. colin kaepernick 5. zach ertz…

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Tehol’s Horcrux: yea I was more of A Jamal Charles guy in the top 2 overall kind of guy. seemed to work out quite well in all leagues. I’m guessing you took Ray Rice and Trent Richardson with your first two selections

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