What’s more American than Memorial Day weekend? How about an ex-country singer-dating, gun-toting, Texan, a guy that looks like he puts a hot dog in the fly of his pants and goes up to female reporters and asks them if they’re hungry, a guy who we call Red State Jeter, a guy that looks like he has the rhythm of Mark Madsen, someone who has Ted Nugent’s special I’m-a-huntin’ phone number, a guy that Roger Clemens probably watches and thinks, “I wonder if he’ll have sex with my wife while I watch,” throwing a no-hitter? With a no-hitter on Memorial Day, Josh Beckett just took your ‘Murica and raised it back to its 1950’s ‘Murica when we were more obvious about our contempt for other nations. Though for our fantasy porpoises — hey, dolphins! — I gotta be honest, I’m a bit worried about him throwing 128 pitches, but his peripherals suggest a guy that if healthy can be a solid fantasy number three. He is not an ace now, so if suddenly people think that, feel free to shop him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – Missed Saturday and Sunday with a sore calf and is headed for an MRI. If he hits the DL, Alex Guerrero would’ve been ear already, but now it’s up to Erisbel Arruebarrena, who is more of a defensive specialist.
Matt Kemp – Benched for third straight game. In my 2nd Sell of the year, I said to sell Kemp. To that I say, you should’ve listened.
Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer this week. The homers were in his last three games, but it wasn’t the last three Dodger games, so there’s a problem there. Figgins is stealing time from Turner. In other words, it’s Turner & Mooch.
Cody Asche – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. The Phils will turn to Cesar Hernandez and Reid Brignac to handle third base. Maikel Franco is an option potentially, and I grabbed him in a few leagues just in case the Phillies actually do something exciting. Then again, the Phils got younger last year by getting Marlon Byrd, so just know we’re up against an organization that makes Brian Sabean seem too youth-focused. The Phils may just trade for Eric Chavez.
Matt Cain – Cut his bullpen session short and scratched from start due to his hamstring. I.e., Cain was unable.
Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 runs and a homer, which gives him 6 homers and 6 steals. Ah, all is right with the world and Pence can stop walking around in tissue boxes and peeing into milk bottles.
Michael Morse – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs. On our Player Rater, Morse is the 10th best 1st baseman in front of guys like Posey, Chris Davis, Allen Craig, Hosmer and Votto. If only you drafted while in the Peace Corps with nothing but a clicker to transmit your picks.
Oswaldo Arcia – The Twins plan on calling him up for today’s game. I went to pick him up in every league, but was beaten to the punch everywhere. Hopefully that punch is spiked with Visine and his owners get diarrhea. I’m not bitter. Where’s Oswaldo? Not on my teams. Jerks! Not bitter at all. Arcia has solid power — 14 HRs last year in 97 games — and if I needed that sorta thing, I’d grab him in all leagues.
Chris Colabello – Optioned to the minors. Shows you, no one likes flat soda.
Taijuan Walker – Cleared for rehab assignment, which is like the third time he’s been cleared for a rehab assignment. Lohan got through rehab quicker than this guy.
George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer after he homered twice Saturday. Oh, and he’s on pace for 30 homers in an abbreviated season. Aren’t you glad you dropped him after he struggled in his first two weeks? Maybe you should see if you can get Carlos Ruiz to get you an extra prescription of Adderall.
Dallas Keuchel – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m pretty sure JB will be along later today with a pitching profile on Keuchel. I will add one thing, stop diddling around looking at Keuchel on your waivers and pick him up! If you hold your pelvic muscles contracted while doing it, it will also be your Keuchel exercises for the day.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .268. This looks more like what kind of average we can expect from Donaldson, but I’d let him impregnate my Cougar if I could own him instead of Ryan Zimmerman, assuming my Cougar’s eggs were still fertile.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. The homer was held up for replay review because Edwin didn’t swing the bat, he simply gave the pitch a nasty look, which turned it around 400 feet.
Josh Hamilton – Sidelined in Triple-A after being jammed by a pitch three days ago. Didn’t the Players Union outlaw inside pitches after Bob Gibson? Donald Fehr, we need a strike!
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.00. I’d be lying if I said I felt comfortable with Richards as an every-start starter, or I’d be lying down.
Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Pretty much hot garbage in the microwave for six minutes on high, but he does have two homers in the last three games.
Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. Varburp.
Jason Hammel – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Padres. That really compounds the sonavabenching you got from him in last start vs. the Yankees. It’s like you kept your priceless Bavarian hummel stored away for years, then took it to Antique Roadshow only to have the appraiser break off the little Bavarian child’s head. Guten dag!
Junior Lake – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer as he bats near-.350 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Rafael Montero – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. Bronson Arroyo (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K) as the Mets and the Diamondbacks spread one game’s worth of offense across a doubleheader. Honestly, I’m having a hard time finding an offensive standout from the entire doubleheader. Well, I mean on the field. They were in Queens, so I’m sure there a few offensive standouts in the stands.
Eric Young Jr. – Headed to the DL with a pulled hamstring. He said, “I could probably play through, but it’s not like anyone plays me anyway.” Aw, sad face!
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 5.06. I’m kinda over getting told Ray Searage fixed Liriano. So there.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. You are a kid of the 80’s if you see the box score reading ‘J. Harrison’ and immediately think, “The Pirates are leading off with Jenilee Harrison? Too bad it’s Walker behind him, and not Tripper.”
Doug Fister – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Solid start, or as Walt Whitman would say, U, Dog, Fister.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 as he returned from the DL. He’s not quite at the point in his career where he should only be owned when he’s a hot schmotato, but I do feel sorry for the teams that need to start LaRoche when he’s not swinging a hot bat.
Denard Span – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th steal. I picked him up last week around the time I called him a hot schmotato for the first time. He’s hitting around .370 in the last week with a homer. “Entertain us, Denard Dawg, or I will call on Jarrod Dyson and his unicycle,” as Rajai, the King of SAGNOF, would say.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. This is the first time he’s got two taters in one day since he was living in a dumpster behind Bennigan’s and they were doing a stuffed baked potato special.
Jason Kipnis – Will return on Tuesday from his oblique. Well, I mean he will return with it. I think; I don’t know what an oblique is, so it could go either way.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. I saw an Asian girl with pigtails, wearing a neon girl headband, and I immediately thought Kluber! Then I thought about how old and lame I was.
Trevor Bauer – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. As I said on Friday, “Unlike, say, (Phil) Hughes, Bauer has a huge upside, but with upside comes down side, young Padawan I get the feeling Bauer is going to have a few supreme stinkers like he should be wearing Odorizzi as a hat.” And that’s me quoting me!
Zach Britton – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Britton looks like the clear-cut favorite for saves now. Good day, O’day!
Manny Machado – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. as he returned from a stiff groin. And now his owners are suffering from the same ailment.
Mike Napoli – Hit the DL with a sprained left ring finger. Over a month ago, he dislocated it and Google Maps had him locate a frankfurter that had a fingernail glued to the tip, but that just didn’t work for him.
A.J. Pierzynski – 3-for-4, 3 runs, after hitting a home run on Saturday. I know what this is bringing on myself, but Pierzynski does tend to get smoking hot for stretches, and it looks like he’s in the middle of one of those now.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. You know what he needs, right? He needs the patented Grey countdown to my projected homer total! 26 more homers, let’s go long, Longo!
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.29. Why I am not in charge of what songs player’s enter to, I have no clue, but I have the best song for Tanaka. The opening chorus, “Awa, awa, awa…He’s got diamonds on the soles of his shoes, Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka…” As if everybody here would know what I was Tanaka’ing about.
Ronald Belisario – 1 IP, 3 ER on Saturday. Thankfully, Belisario owners (me included) were spared him coming in for a save on Sunday. I tried to pick up Daniel Webb in all of my leagues, but that ship done sailed. I’d continue to hold Belisario, but this doesn’t look like it’s headed to a nice place.
Joey Votto – A) Reds manager, Bryan Price said Votto won’t be 100% all year. B) Votto’s 30 years old. C) There’s no C. D) He probably won’t be 100% the rest of his career. E) Wouldn’t be surprised if we’ve seen the best of Votto. F) Me.
Tony Cingrani – Bryan Price said Alfredo Simon could stay in the rotation with Cingrani demoted because The Regression Fairies are scared of Simon and his glock. Doesn’t Cingrani have any mafia connections?
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. Well, at least one top ten drafted pitcher is working out. Yes, I’m kinda saying that to jinx him. Sorry.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 2 steals. I would own him, I like him, yadda3, but notice how the Cards are using him and then think about how much you want Oscar Taveras. The Cards really had to play Mark Ellis on Saturday? Really, Seth Myers?
Randy Wolf – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wolf? More like a dog! *high-fives self* Ow, goddamn brittle bones!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. OZUNA come to park, OZUNA hit long home run ball, OZUNA know what happened to Janeane Garofalo.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Grab him! (In NL-Only keeper leagues, he’s okay. Some dynasty leagues, perhaps. But he’s not guaranteed another start unless Yovani goes to the DL. I’m really just testing people to see who has parenthetical blindness.)
Ryan Braun – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. The amount of vitriol around the league for Braun due to his suspension last year continues to show itself as he goes around the league. All the Jews in attendance in Miami refused to stand to cheer on Braun. Though they were all over the age of 85, so maybe they just couldn’t.
Khris Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs. He now has a modest four-game hitting streak, and I have been watching him like a cyclops with a monocle because I think he can get hot at some point.
Roughned Odor – 2-for-4, 1 run on Sunday, 4-for-5, a run and 5 RBIs on Saturday. Odor? *breathes in* It’s like lavender chamomile.
Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks. Yesterday, Colby was a survivor, but I’d vote him off my team.
Rick Porcello – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. That’s not a Porcello, that’s a mushroom cloud.
Justin Verlander – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Verlander and CC should just open up a big and tall men’s clothing store and end the whole pitching thing, call it Verbathalandier’s.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-3 but left yesterday’s game with a cramp in his hamstring. I’d say it’s day-to-day, but with Chris Parmelee filling in for Prince Fielder on one of my teams and Wilmer Flores filling in for Nolan Arenado, I fully expect Miggy to miss the next 8 to 12 months.