Josh Beckett game yesterday was a thing of beauty if you’re into that New Agey art where people smear bodily functions on canvas. 3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’m not sure what the most disturbing part of this outing was. The lack of Ks? How second nature these terrible starts have become for Beckett? Or the amount of wood the Jays were getting after seeing Beckett’s pitches? (Pun avoidable, but what the hey?) I’m not here to crap your house, but in five starts Beckett’s only looked like himself in one of them. Now that I’ve got you near tears, here’s a big rainbow of Marshmallow Fluff, my emotional friend. Beckett’s April ERA last year was 7.22, then May was 2.38 followed by a 1.51 in June. Beckett’s men left on base has been unlucky so far and his K-rate is absurdly low for him. Unless he heads off to the Disgraceful List, he should turn things around. I’m not buying at full value, but if you can sneak Red State Jeter away from nervous owners for thirty cents on the dollar, I’d consider it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jorge de la Rosa – Was sent for an MRI for a bone bruise on his middle finger. Hopefully, that’s not the same finger he’ll be giving his owners. Jhoulys Chacin (which is pronounced like Phoulys but with a J) might get the call if dlR has to miss a start. Here’s what Stephen said in the Rockies Minor League Review, “Chacin induces ground balls at mind boggling rates. His career ground ball rate (59.2) are similar to Tim Hudson (58.6%), teammate Aaron Cook (57.5%) and Chien-Ming Wang (60.1%). He possesses a mid-90’s fastball with tons of heavy sinking action, a stellar change-up and a so-so curve. Oh, and I hate Grey’s stupid face!” Hey, how’d he sneak that past me? For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed Chacin in my NL-Only league.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3, homer, steal and his first walk as he continues to leadoff. He’s completely miscast in the role. He’s like George Clooney on Facts of Life. Let CarGo hit third!
Jason Hammel – 3 IP, 5 ER as he was pulled from the game with a strained right groin. Hehe… He has two groins.
Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save as he lowered his ERA to 2.11… Oh, wait, that’s his WHIP. His ERA is 9.00.
Nelson Cruz – Left the game with a flare-up of his hamstring injury. Nelson Cruz is the king of nagging injuries. To quote Big Head Todd & The Monsters, “It’s bittersweet… More sweet than bitter… Bitter than sweet. Sweet and bitter. Bitter and sweet. Sweet… Bitter… Bittersweet.”
Neftali Feliz – Has now given up 4 runs in the last 3 appearances, while Frank-Frank has only given up one run since April 11th. Cust kayin’.
Mike Stanton – Coghlan should better. His BABIP and line drive rate say he’s been unlucky. Cody Ross just isn’t very good. The only one that likes Cody is Kathie Lee. Either way, Mike Stanton has 9 homers in 17 minor league games and is breathing down their necks. He’s 7 for his last 8 with 5 homers. If you thought the rush to grab Smoak was quick, crack your knuckles on your grabby little hands cause Stanton’s going to go just as fast. Stanton mollywhops with his pony sticks. Believe that.
Josh Johnson – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, sprayed the entire team with champagne. At least, everyone hopes it was champagne.
Octavio Dotel – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Kazaam! I think the Pirates find themselves with a tuxedo and too few times to use it. I’ll explain. It’s like when you convince yourself that it’s a good idea to buy a tuxedo for one occasion then you try to shoehorn it into every occasion. “Listen, dear, if I’m going to bother entering an All You Can Eat Chimichanga Contest, I may as well be dressed well in case there’s press there.” Dotel is the tuxedo. Though he’s looked like a tuxedo shirt lately.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3, as he hit his 6th homer. Don’t ya hate it when you target someone in every league, don’t get him by the luck of the draft and then he still does well? I do. I miss you, Colby. Write soon!
Jason Heyward – 0-for-3 as he bats .234. Now has 24 strikeouts in 64 ABs. He’s going to be a great one, but he might be a year or two away from that. Remember, it took Justin Upton almost 500 major league at-bats over the course of two seasons before he exploded last year.
Mat Latos – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Rule #1: The hodgepadre should never go near water. Rule #2: The hodgepadre should not be exposed to direct light. Rule #3: The most important rule. No matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, never start them on the road.
Brandon Wood – 3-for-4, and now has hits in three straight games. Pay attention, it could be the start of something.
Brandon Inge – 2 homers yesterday. Don’t you love when you pick up a player for only one short schedule day? Yeah, I did that with Inge. It’s like I called his shots. Put me on the phone with Make-A-Wish. I’m brightening sick kids’ days! Hopefully, they don’t change the scoring to a triple with an error.
Phil Coke – Has a 1.64 ERA, 3 wins, 3 Holds and the best last name according to Ron Washington.
Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. I could sit here, and I am indeed sitting — in a prison cell in Singapore — and I could tell you he was outdueled by Ray Davies or whatever his name is, but I’m staying optimistic. Even when F-Her isn’t electric, he’s more than respectable. That’s what I like to see. Now, please let me out of this cell, I promise not to chew gum in public again.
Chone Figgins – 0-for-4, now batting .179. Haven’t owned Figgy anywhere in about four years, but I figured I’d give him a shot this year since he was getting 2nd base eligibility. Yeah, that’s working out well.
Carlos Silva – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. As frequent commenter, royce!, said, “This Carlos Silva shizz has got to stop. It’s like the universe is on a crusade to discredit all pitching peripherals. Seriously, the Fangraphs database is gonna commit virtual seppuku.”
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5, as he hit his first homer. Now has more homers than steal attempts. Any time, doode.
Rickie Weeks – 1-for-5 with 1 Run and 1 RBI as the Brewers scored 17. Ticker tease!
Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners. He didn’t look that NLightened last night.
Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Who needs Buster when we’ve got bubelah?
Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he beat Halladay. Gotta love Sanchez even when he’s a butter WHIP.