First Heyward, and now Brandon Beachy is headed to see Dr. Freeze. This is the worst back-to-back days in Atlanta since Sherman burnt Atlanta and then Home Depot decided to push back their grand opening by 100 years. If the Braves keep going like this, TBS might have to show repeats of The George Lopez Show. NOOOOOOOO!!! The caps were for emphasis, you know, in case it was lost on anyone. The last pitcher to see Dr. James Andrews and pitch again within 6 months was Lee Majors during a Battle of the Network Stars tourney, but he was bionic. I’d put five internet dollars on Beachy missing the season, but I’d hold him for now. This would obviously clear up the confusion in the rotation between Alex Wood, Paul Maholm and Kris Medlen. Or Alis Moodlen, for short, though that sounds like a guitarist for Deep Purple. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rafael Betancourt – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. After blowing his 2nd consecutive save, he left with a potentially torn elbow ligament. That’s, how do I say this, bad for a pitcher. The new closer? He’s not heavy, he’s my Rex Brothers. Didja know the Rex Brothers furniture store carries all different sizes of saves? It does, and you should be owning him in all leagues, because before the ‘Betancourt’s healthy again, now not so much’ hiccup, Brothers was fine. Or F-I-N-E if you’re singing this post with an R&B back beat.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, his third in as many games. He’ll level off at some point and end the year around 26 homers, which will be around that of Wieters, McCann and Arencibia. Rosario, however, has more counting stats and a much better average. Wilin is the best catcher this year and it’s not that close. Posey isn’t near him. To see all, go to the Player Rater and type C under where it says POS. If you type POS under POS, Salvador Perez should come up, but he doesn’t.
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-4 and hitting near .450 in the last week. I almost put him in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’m asking for more catcher questions? C’mon!
Darin Ruf – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and his 3rd in the last eight days. He rocks Ruf and tough with his white man stuff: moleskin notebooks, an appreciation for brunch and standing still at concerts.
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 16th steal. By the end of August, I’m so pot committed to Rollins that Brian Dozier can hit 17 homers tomorrow, text me to say, “Pick me up,” and I’ll still hold onto Rollins. Here’s hoping I get something for my patience.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. Got an IV on Wednesday night due to dehydration. Once again, Cuban superstar in Miami, do the math. Puig’s in the nightclubs until four in the morning going hog wild.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.72. Gallardo pfft’s at that ERA and blows a higher number.
Wandy Rodriguez – Off to see Dr. Freeze too. “Clara, clear my next week and put in a bid for that new Ferrari on eBay.” That’s Dr. James Andrews talking to his receptionist. I wonder what Dr. Andrews says if you walk into his office and you’re like, “Do you take Blue Cross?” Probably says, “If the cross is crusted in blue diamonds, I’ll consider.”
Jeff Locke – 4 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. What was the bet I made with you? Oh, I remember! I said a few weeks ago, “If his ERA ends up below 3.00 on the year, I’ll shave my mustache and give it to Locks of Love.” At the time, his ERA was 2.43. He now sits at 3.01.
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Would’ve made a nice batty call, though I think you might’ve had to been batty to think it was a good idea prior to game time.
Matt Cain – Left the game after taking a Gaby Sanchez liner off his arm. That dirty Sanchez! Cain is said to be all right, well, as all right as a guy with a 4.43 ERA can be.
Donnie Murphy – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run in his 4th game. If by Saturday he’s colder than a witch’s areola, we’ll deal with it at that time. I’d grab him before the hot schmotato turns into a pumpkintato.
Ian Desmond – Sat out yesterday with stiffness. Not sure if that means he needs a Thai massage or just had one.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-6 and a solo homer, his 15th. The Ghost of Ryan Zimmerman has risen. “I am the Ghost of Ryan Zimmerman. Do you know how to get a stain out of some white sheets?”
Stephen Strasburg – 8 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. He was cruising until the last inning and then it all fell apart. He might’ve took Davey Johnson too literally when he told him to close it out like Rafael Soriano.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. The Yankee lineup looks like one of those bad Grumpy Old Men knockoffs. “Hey, I’m a Hollywood agent, and I’m talking to you on my bluetooth. Now, picture this: Michael Douglas, Burt Reynolds and Alfonso Soriano and send them to Vegas…Oh, and film it!”
Melky Cabrera – Won’t return this year. “Hey, I’m a big Blue Jays fan and I was just in a coma since March. How’s the team doing? In first? Vying for Wild Card? Dickey in the Cy Young race? Give me the lowdown!”
Rajai Davis – 1-for-4 and two steals (39, 40). “As your King of SAGNOF, I bestow on you a horn filled with steals and a silly looking hand wave–Are you writing this down, Lawrie?! I’m not saying this for my health!”
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer as he bats .212. If you’re scrounging for power, you gotta have a limit as to what kind of average you can deal with, don’t you?
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Twins. Next pitcher to go from Cy Young to crappy, everyone’s going to assume Kate Upton was responsible. Unless that pitcher looks like George Foster.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. So, yesterday, I put it out there for a glossary term for a fast guy that doesn’t steal and I was between SAGnot, Flash Boredom and run shy. Rudy wasn’t crazy about any of them and offered Stealy Damns. I might put more than one in the glossary; no one says we can’t have synonyms, but I haven’t decided yet. Stay tuned! Or not. Your call.
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .244. Doumit looks like the oldest 32-year-old ever. That’s until/if Lohan reaches 32.
Brian Dozier – 2-f0r-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. I went to look at what he’d done in the last week, and I saw he’s raised his average in the last ten days from .242 to .244. Pardon me, I’m gonna jump in a hammock and get some schnuzzles.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Signed by the Mets. Now Mr. Met has something to hang from his rear view mirror. You know, Dice-K.
Paul Maholm – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks as he returned from the DL after a little-over-a-month absence. I wouldn’t own him in mixed leagues, and I wouldn’t start him in NL-Only leagues until he threw one decent game. At this time of year, it’s not worth the aggravation.
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Would it be breaking any laws to change Upton’s calendars so August has 60 days?
Kolten Wong – Sat out for the 2nd straight day, which is stupid old school managing at its worst. No, I’m not thrilled he’s platooning out against lefties, but he only gets one lefty over the next six days, so I’m holding onto him for now. Besides, him sitting on Sunday vs. Minor might not be the worst thing, which made into a portmanteau is wong. Coincidence? Think not!
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Damn, the Regression Fairies didn’t get their Joe Kelly Regression Party invite!
Jonathan Broxton – Will have elbow surgery. While he’s in there, maybe he can have a butt reduction so Reds ticket holders don’t have an obstructed view.
Aroldis Chapman – Dusty gave him the day off — Happy Once In A Lifetime Holiday! In his place was LeCure. LeCure said, “When I pitch on Monday’s, great. Tuesday’s, Wednesday’s pitch the 8th, Thursday I’ll test Dusty’s faith, but Friday’s I’m in love!” After LeCure gave up a single, he was surprisingly not replaced by The Jesus & Mary Chapman.
Mat Latos – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.93. He’s more of a 3.15 ERA pitcher, so his next start won’t be good. I’m only half joking. My better half. From the neck up.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 1 run. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy. It’s a work of art like the Mona Lisa or my mustache.
Leury Garcia – The White Sox recalled the speedy outfielder. He could have some SAGNOF value, but his playing time is questionable like everything out of Gary Busey’s mouth.
Conor Gillaspie – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. I saw he went 3-for-4 on Wednesday and I considered mentioning him, but calling Gillaspie a hot schmotato will just fall on deaf ears. No one’s actually picking him up. Besides, what even is a Gillaspie? It sounds like a rare lizard.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. And that’s just about the cut-off for streamers in 12-team mixed leagues. Totally solid year, also completely replaceable in shallower leagues.
James Shields – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. On the other hand that is actually the Hamburger Helper Man, Shields appears to be a solid fantasy two to three, but he’s actually much closer to Quintana than his 3.22 ERA would lead you to believe. His Ks are way off, but his velocity looks fine. Not sure what’s going on, but he’s nowhere near as effective as he was last year.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and 2 steals (17, 18). Since being traded to the Royals, he’s started going by his pen name, Emily Goodface, and has 6 steals in 8 games. Yup and yup.
Delmon Young – Re-signed with his old club, the Rays. He can be their 7th outfielder and resident anti-Semite. Young said on the signing, “I like the Rays. They understand me. I also like Ray Romano, Sugar Ray…I don’t like Ray Parker Jr. He dated Jews.”
David DeJesus – Signed by the Rays to be their 8th outfielder. Delmon likes this signing. Unless he’s the Star of David DeJesus.