Jurickson Profar called up to replace The Ian Kinsler DL Experiment. I’ll wait here while you go add Profar in your league. Okay, back? Good! If you’re not back yet, then you’re not reading this, so let me clear the air, I slept with your sister. Baseballstar Profarlactica is the safest bet from catching the prospect hype virus in the known universe. First (after all those other firsts), let’s see what Scott, our prospect writer, wrote, “Profar brings legit 20-20 potential, along with .300+ AVG, and an OBP north of .350. From shortstop, that sort of production would be enormous. Here’s Grey’s Jurickson Profar fantasy. Also check out my Top 25 Prospects for 2013, where Profar came in at #15. I also slept with your sister.” Damn, hope those other people still aren’t back. I’d grab Profar in every league. Yes, even yours. My guess is he will hit. My 2nd guess is C. Always guess C. That advice can get you into an Ivy League school. I didn’t go to one, ergo, henceforth, vis-à-vis, I had to Google whether or not Ivy League was capitalized. If he hits, Profar could be here to stay with the Rangers saying, “Yo, Profar is hitting so let’s keep him and move Kinsler to the outfield. Or just put a “Hockey sucks” t-shirt on Andrus and drop him off in Winnipeg.” If Profar doesn’t hit, he’ll be sent back down and no one will need to go to Winnipeg. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Oh, yeah, we have Player Pages now. WHAT’S UP, SNITCHES?! Rudy will have a post later today about all the new features that are currently under the hood (if you search the top right, you’ll find some of it). As Hollywood producers and prostitutes say, this is the tease. Unlike those two, it’s all completely free and not coked out or asking you for help to pay their BMW lease.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Due to a terrible match-up vs. Boston, I only owned Masterson for one start this year in the RCL, but I should’ve held onto him. Rudy grabbed him for his last two starts (16 IP, 0 ER, 12 baserunners, 20 Ks). Awesome! *rolls in honey and jumps into a bear cage*
Mike Aviles – 2-for-4, 1 run, started in back-to-back games and is hitting in his last three games. Could be a hot schmotato, but you’ll need to keep an eye on his playing time.
Aramis Ramirez – Had to sit out two of the last four games due to his knee. Fun Fact: His full first name is Aramiss40gamesayear. He shortened it in elementary school so he wouldn’t be confused with Aramiss39gamesayear. He hated that kid.
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-4, 1 run and has raised his average fifty points in 7 days. Doode is in serious beast mode. That beast being Godzilla.
Ike Davis – The Mets said Ike would have about a month to turn things around before he’s demoted. Only they told him using a bullhorn because when he was called into the office he stood five feet outside the door. He then put some gum in his ear and splashed water on Bobby Parnell’s face.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He has two homers in the last three days. He’ll have about 8 homers all year, so, ya know, now would be the time to own him.
Ryan Howard – Will have a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out! I had three precautionary MRIs just this past weekend.
Carlos Ruiz – To the DL with a hamstring strain, and Kratz took over and homered. If Ruiz is nicknamed Chooch, then him and Kratz are what? Chooch & Chang? Chooch & Jewch? Not-A-Head-Turner & Chooch?
Jonathon Pettibone – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. History tells us a Pettibone is when a 18th century woman would get some action behind the butter churner while keeping her petticoat on. History also tells us some of the men Pettibone’s been leaving on base will eventually come home to score and his ERA will go up.
Ben Revere – 3-for-4 with his 8th steal. Has Ben Revere? No, not yet. The Phils are a better team with Revere playing defense every day, running around screaming the SAGNOF is coming, but with Delmon and Mayberry, he could have trouble getting everyday playing time.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 4 for his last 8. Hopefully Frazier is coming back around because his 0-for-4’s and scenes with just Niles and Roz were getting annoying.
Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks with the no decision as Homer’s win was remade to O Bullpen, Where Art Thou?
Ricky Nolasco – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. Oh, Ricky you’re so fine. Speaking of which, you think the Native American ladies used to say about Sitting Bull that he is Sioux fine? Prolly not.
Steve Cishek – What little value he had was diminished when the Marlins pulled him in the middle of the ninth yesterday because, well, Cishek was sucking and about to blow like the giant robot maid in Spaceballs. I grabbed Mike Dunn, who got the save, because I have a serious problem and need SAGNOF Anonymous. Dunn is probably just a lefty match-up guy in the ninth. Dunn, Cishek, or even A.J. Ramos might get less than 10 saves apiece on the year because the Marlins win one game every time Loria sees his shadow. Kidding, Loria doesn’t have a shadow because he has no soul.
David Murphy – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Now has 3 homers in the last ten games and I’ve mentioned him about five times in the last week. Or maybe that was Daniel Murphy. It’s been a good week-plus to be a Murphy. For the first time in the history of that last name. As the law dictates.
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Hard to complain about a 4-for-5 night, but let’s try. How does your team score 11 runs and you get on four times but only score once? Is the third base coach working against me? Run through the sign! Dammit, now I’m singing Ace of Base in my head. Whoah, ah, oh, oh, YEA, I saw the sign.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and 3 homers. In a jar formaldehyde, Ted Williams’s head raspberries his lips.
Victor Martinez – 0-for-5, hitting .209 with 2 homers. It wouldn’t surprise me if he hits .260 with ten homers on the year, i.e., about what John Buck did in April. Ron Popeil isn’t gonna like hearing this, but I think it’s time to start looking elsewhere.
Andrew McCutchen – Knee pain sidelined him yesterday, but should be fine. So, less Dread Pirate for a day or two, but much less dread beyond that.
Jeff Locke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator loved this start and I loved this start as mentioned in Friday’s Buy/Sell. Locke gets the Brewers and Tigers next, which has me applying the anti-Locke brakes.
Jaime Garcia – Headed to the DL with a shoulder strain and is going to see Dr. Freeze, which we know means he will be sidelined anywhere from 12-18 months. As I said in my preseason rankings, “Was shut down twice last year with shoulder issues, and chose not to have surgery. Garcia isn’t planning on being on the DL as of right now. By the time you finish this sentence, he could be. Or now… Now? How about… Now? There he goes.” And that’s me quoting me! What I don’t understand is why he’s going to see Dr. James Andrews in the words of the Cardinals to ‘get some answers.’ It was clear back in January that he was going to be hurt this year.
Tyler Lyons – Will replace Garcia in the rotation. Some speculated that top prospect Michael Wacha would fill-in for Garcia, but Lyons’s spot in the rotation fell on the same day as Garcia. Seriously, that’s why the Cardinals said they went with him. Luckily, Garcia’s rotation spot didn’t fall on the “One Lucky Fan Throws Out The First Pitch” night.
John Gast – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. You heard this was a solid start, but you mis-er’d. He was just solider than his first start.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. The Federalist should worry less about spreading his wealth between his five categories and more about making one category rich and telling the poorer categories that the rich category isn’t really that rich and should get tax breaks.
David Freese – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and a weekend (4-for-12, 1 homer, 5 RBIs) that showed signs why you thought it was a good idea to draft him. Still no signs why you thought the same for Halladay.
Robinson Cano – Homered twice on Saturday, cause he’s jackin’ Robinson.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is 2.24. If it’s taken you this long to get Wood, you should see a doctor. You might have urethra problems, which is not the same as the American Idol finale that had Aretha problems. That was like Skype’ing with your grandma who was wearing her house dress and had her wig on crooked.
Ryan Sweeney – 2-for-3 with his 1st homer, but Sweeney’s relegated to a backup for Alfonso Soriano as God said, ‘Ha!’
David DeJesus – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal. DeJesus would like to point out he didn’t say ha.
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4, 1 run. Of course you should own him, but I’m pretty surprised he is still hitting as well as he has been (.354). Prolly will be one of those cases where the BABIP gods will strike down The Gregorius D.I.D., then the cops will cover it up and P. Diddy will make a whole career out of losing him.
Brandon McCarthy – Threw a shutout against the Marlins on Saturday, which is the same as a 6 IP, 3 ER against a major league team, but I’d still grab McCarthy right now. McCarthy looks like he’s locked into hitters like they’re all pantyhose-wearing Communists.
Jim Johnson – On Saturday, he would’ve lost the closer job if me and Yoda were the O’s manager. “That’s not a ‘try’ as much as ‘How about you get the piss bucket and let someone else be the closer?’ Am I right, Yoda?” “Your normal sentence structure, understand I do not.” That’s me and Yoda co-managing the O’s. I grabbed Darren O’Day to try and vulture saves, but the O’s SAGNOF shituation is a bit murky. Pedro Strop, who sounds like the offspring of a Nazi who escaped to South America, could also factor in. Or Johnson will just get his stuff together. Or get a bigger place for his stuff.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and two steals (6th and 7th), hitting .322 on the year with 6 homers. I’ve been so busy writing Goldschmidt on my Trapper Keeper, I haven’t mentioned Jones much. Let us not forget, I ranked him crazy high in the preseason because I love him. Still think he can get on a crazy power streak and have a huge season. And, yes, I did bust out the pretentious “let us not forget.” Please pass my Poupon.
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. FWIWerth and it should be Werth something since you’re reading this shizz, I dropped Tillman yesterday since he gets the Tigers and Nats in his next two games; I’ll probably go back to him when he gets the Astros three starts from now.
Stephen Drew – Sat out two straight games. The Drew apple doesn’t roll far from the tree, and when it lands on the ground it sprains something.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. After he hit it, Big Papi lifted him so he could watch it go out of the stadium.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-5. Guess what the one was? If you guessed a homer, you’re paying attention.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 5 Ks. Don’t fall for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.
Jake Odorizzi – Scott, our prospect writer, was right when he speculated last week that Odorizzi would get Price’s rotation spot. He also just went over his Jake Odorizzi fantasy. I grabbed Odorizzi in all leagues I needed him in (a 12-team mixed), but I’m not sure I’m gonna start him vs. the Blue Jays. He has a tendency to give up long balls, which the Blue Jays specialize in after dropping their avian sciences major (too easy), and I really don’t need a roofie. Whether or not you start him will depend on how badly you need to roll the dice.
Matt Moore – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.29. He lives next door to Marla Gibbs.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. No one gets as hot as Joyce, to wit.
Luke Scott – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. Okay, you know who else gets real hot? You screaming, “Scotty doesn’t know!” Luke Scott does.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer as he hits .208. Thus far everything he’s hit has either gone over the wall or been caught. If someone has stopped believing, I’d absolutely trade for him.
Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .343 with a near-.400 BABIP. Gordon’s putting more balls in play than a gay juggler.
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. On one hand, Vargas has a very usable 3.55 ERA. On the other hand, this start was against the White Sox. On the third hand that is actually a wax candle, I’d use Vargas for streaming but wouldn’t get too comfortable with him.
Brandon League – 1 IP, 2 unearned runs for the blown save, which came on the heels of Jansen’s 1/3 IP, 2 ER performance. You still have to own both of them as this game does nothing to clear up the picture. Too bad Mattingly doesn’t have any hair on his upper lip to catch the beads of sweat forming. Let this be warning for those of youse considering shaving your mustache. The Mustache Gods are wrathful and gassy.
Dexter Fowler – 4-for-5, 2 runs. After taking about two weeks off, he’s back to lighting up the scoreboard, going 9 for his last 15. Just don’t tell the Pi Delta Pi’s how on point Dexter is.
Eric Young – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th steal. Please let him have a six steal week. That is all.
Andrew Cashner – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, playing Wu Tang’s lesser known B-side, C.R.A.P. Cashner Rules At Petco.
Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) & legs (8). He’s a 4-category All-Star, but gets no respect from fantasy baseballers and his own team, who are constantly trying to bench him. If Venable is available in your league, I’d grab him and I add am enviable.
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 3 steals (up to 18 on the year). Doesn’t seem as farfetched now to think he could reach JayWrong’s prediction of 120+ steals. The Padres just need to get in a couple 97-inning games with EverCab seeing 60 at-bats in a game.
Steve Lombardozzi – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Nats might be better off playing Lombardozzi over Espinosa. If I were an Espinosa owner, I might actually hope for that so you can move on without any 2nd guessing.
Bryce Harper – Sat out this weekend with knee pain from his collision with the wall. He said he was hoping to get some rest, but his haircut kept waking him up at the crack of dawn.