Going into yesterday’s game, Gio Gonzalez had a 5.85 ERA and in three of four starts he only threw five innings. I saw the fear in your eyes. Nervousness was percolating just below the surface. You were like Mr. Coffee when he was about to lose his virginity. You were expecting some grinds and instead you were just overheating. Steaming so hard you needed a cup to catch the water beneath you. (How long you think I could keep the visual of Mr. Coffee about to lose his virginity going? Three more lines? Do I hear four?) Finally, the heat was too much, the water dripping too fast and everything began to steam. Quickly, you grabbed your little creamer. She usually likes to put the cream in herself, but you’re just gonna splash it all over the place to avoid a mess on your pants. And that’s how coffee became Mr. Coffee. So, today Gio threw an eight-inning, one-hitter with 7 Ks; his only blemish a Votto opposite-field blast. Things looked awry, making dyslexics wary. Luckily, it’s still freakin’ April and you shouldn’t worry so much. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer. I want the Nationals to name an outfield section, Harper’s Valley, PTA. That’s Primary Target Area.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run. Sigh of relief from his owners. Or maybe that’s gas because he’s still hitting .177. The difference between a sigh and gas should be clearer. You messed up, God!
Denard Span – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd steal. He doesn’t seem to have a bad rap. He has no rap. Denard gets about as much press as fencing in the high school newspaper sports section. He’s SAGNOF, that’s not so bad. Don’t hate the playa, just wear suntan lotion.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks but had to exit early (for him) due to cracked skin. He must have been too busy ‘moisturizing’ Kate Upton’s stomach…and chest…and face…and hair. Did I ever tell you about the brand of chapstick I want to start? “It’s Da Balm!” If anyone wants to take “It’s Da Balm!” and run with it, go for it. Cut me a check down the line.
Bruce Rondon – First appearance and Leyland sends him into a 3-2 game in the 8th inning. I wonder if Verlander’s owners would’ve done the same. I’m thinking no with a side order of LEYLAND’S OUT OF HIS F**KING MIND!
Torii Hunter – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he hits .373. Last year he was hitting in front of Pujols, this year Miggy and Fielder are behind him. This guy’s like Channing Tatum. Surrounds himself with much better people than himself and now we’re gonna have to suffer through five sequels of Magic Mike. The first one wasn’t that good. Please stop.
Zack Greinke – He can start throwing next week. I hope Quentin is standing in front of him.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. I pronounce his name H-Young-Gin Are You? I say it with a question mark. Did I ever tell you about the time I dated an Asian girl? One of the worst relationships I was ever in, and it lasted for two years. One of our fights went like this, Her, “Can you see us having kids one day?” Me, “I don’t know, how would I pick them up at school? I’d never be able to tell them apart.” I’m just trying to make sure I’m not too sympathetic of a character. What does this have to do with H-Young-Gin Are You? Not a whole lot, but you know how much I like him already.
Brandon League – Got the save, but gave up a run for the 2nd day in a row. I can’t imagine League’s owners are feeling good with Kenley’s owners breathing down their neck. “Why does it feel like I have garlicky pepperoni on my neck? Oh, it’s you.”
Matt Adams – Due to his oblique, he will visit a doctor. He should go to a cartographer to find his oblique.
Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks with 122 pitches. Charlie Manuel didn’t want to have to pitch Lee for so long, but he said, “Tea seepin’ all day is better than spittin’ chew into a cup, even if they’re both brown.”
Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4, 3 RBI with her 3rd homer in the last three games she’s started, but the Pirates have played five games in that time. In deeper leagues, I could see grabbing her. She won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell due to a course I took at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston called, “Never Recommend Gaby Sanchez.” It was an easy A. Unfortunately, I failed, “Never Recommend Adam Lind.”
Robbie Grossman – 0-for-4. Guess which team. Okay, now guess where he hit in the Astros lineup. Nope, lead-off! His full name is Robbie Really Gross,man. He lives on a steady diet of gum that he’s picked off the bottom of high school desks and boogers.
Jeremy Hefner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. As the Stream-o-Nator would tell you, Hefner is good for gathering fake-boobed blonde women in the buff, not so good at pitching. Most fantasy baseballers taste level ain’t at my waist level.
Ike Davis – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer, hitting .174. Glass is half empty: He’s been miserable outside of four homers. Glass half full: He hit four homers while standing in the first row of the seats.
Mark Buehrle – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. A lot of ex-Perfect Game hurlers went yesterday. Buehrle, Humber for the Astros (7 earned in less than 5 innings) and Armando Gallarraga, who threw a gem for the Hackensack Bulls.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 5th homer. Anyone want any part of my bet that Edwin will have more fantasy value than Bautista? What’s the matter…Chicken?
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4 with his first homer a solo homer. He was just glad to be able to run the bases. Luckily, the coaches are out there so he didn’t jump into the stands.
Derek Jeter – In a press conference, he said he refused to talk about when he’d return. His exact words were, “I’m not here to talk about the future.” McGwire applauded his decision.
Vernon Wells – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, hitting .293. There’s a certain poetry to Vernon Wells out hitting the entire Angels team. For Angels fans, it’s poetry written by Sylvia Plath that makes you want to stick your head in the oven.
Francisco Cervelli – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. In 183 games played coming into the season, he had 5 homers. To put this in the 1998 terms, Cervelli just hit his 62nd homer, Roger Maris’s family is at the Stadium, Fox interrupts their programming to show the at-bat live and Bud Selig is in the stands with a bouquet of flowers for him.
Shane Victorino – Will sit out through at least Friday. According to the Red Sox, a trip to the DL “hasn’t even been discussed.” Hmm, well, don’t want to argue semantics, but you’re kinda discussing it right there.
Clay Buchholz – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. I’ve been a fan of Buchholz for a while (about eleven days). What I like most about him (only up until recently) is how much he’s increased his Ks. See, I’m easy. Get strikeouts and fill me with booze and I’m yours.
David Ortiz – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, now ESPN has a new highlight for the next three days.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. I’m flabbergasted that he’s available in so many leagues. What, you people afraid of success? Scared cause daddy didn’t hug you enough? Grow a sack and grab Hammel!
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the M’s. Against the Astros and Mariners, 13 1/3 IP, 9 ER, 6 Ks. Against the Tigers, 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks. Guess which games I streamed him? Stupid roofies. I have sores on my lips…from punching myself in the face. Now people can’t adore my mustache properly!
Brandon Maurer – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Eh, it was just against the Angels. He could be okay at home, but you could get roofied. Look at what Richards did to my face!
Endy Chavez – 3-for-4, 1 run. Now hitting near .300 in the last week and 5 for his last 9, and ‘endy’ is the technical term for the person who is left chair-less in musical chairs.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-5, RBI. It was his 4th RBI of the year. When it’s April 26th and you have less RBIs than syllables in your name, there could be a problem unless you’re Jarrod Saltalamacchia.
Matt Garza – Said his arm’s feeling better and could throw this week. A few days ago he was dealing with a dead arm, but when Haley Joel Osment walked by him and said he saw his arm, it freaked Garza out.
Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Nate German-For-Panythose hasn’t been playing every day, but probably should be. On a related note, I wonder what a Mets/Cubs combo team’s outfield would look like. Still not very good would be my guess.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer and third homer in the last six games. Valbuena is usually Malbuena, but he looks to be Fuegobuena de schmotata.
Carlos Marmol – Got the save yesterday. Sadly, it appears Marmol is once again the closer. Sadder still, I picked him up. Don’t look at me, I’m ugly!
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, as his owners remove his picture with a “For” sign from their fantasy team’s front yards. Now if they just took down their Christmas lights.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer to raise his average to .108. That makes me giggle. For serious, how do you start a cleanup hitting who’s hitting .108?
Nick Tepesch – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Twins. The Twins had a lineup that featured one hitter hitting over .236 and he was pitching in Seattle.
Jarrod Parker – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. On April 15th, I told everyone to drop him. Nothing’s changed, but your ratios. He could be demoted, which would mean… Straily? Prolly.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Au Shizz!
Ryan Wheeler – 1-for-4. Helton was placed on the 15-day DL so the Rockies called up Wheeler. But Colvin played Lilith Fair! Wheeler is an uninteresting fantasy name. Wheelie McFangasm would be an interesting fantasy name. Wheeler has very modest power (15-18 HRs in 500 ABs) and even more modest (modester?) speed (3-ish). Best case scenario is he sniffs Lyle Overbay’s jock and says, “That’s roses right there!” Worst case scenario, he’s a utility infielder. I might’ve switched best and worst case scenarios there.
James Shields – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Royals’ Shields held the Tigers at bay. That was also a headline from a 12th century Bengali newspaper. Don’t give me that whole, ‘There were no headlines in the 12th Century because Steve Guttenberg didn’t invent the printing press yet.’
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 4th steal. I could see Alcides being a top 5 shortstop this year. Yeah, shortstop is that soft.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with a steal. Do my eyes deceive me? Did Mostsuckass really contribute to my fantasy team? I’ll be a monkey’s uncle’s nephew!
Alex Gordon – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I wonder if fans ever yell to Alex, “Hey, Gordo,” and Billy Butler turns wearing a sombrero.