Is there anything more boring than that guy who won’t shut up about his fantasy team? It’s like when your ex-girlfriend used to try to tell you about The Bachelorette during prime scotch drinking time. And that’s why you’re an ex, Brenda! However, the team I constructed last night in our little Razzballin’ 50/50 took first out of 200 and I plan on putting this $1.80 worth of winnings towards that new and improved liver. Thanks, Obamacare! I’m not trying to bore y’all with the details, but it was the bargain basement plays that put me over the top. Players like Kolten Wong, Danny Valencia and Jonny Gomes weren’t sexy picks, but they scored more than Ian Kinsler, Hanley Ramirez and Andrew McCutchen combined. When it comes to constructing a roster for DFS play those bargain basement players mean just as much as your big named expensive stars. Your Razzballin’ tools like the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron, and the all-new DFSBot are must reads if you’re playing for cash and bragging rights with our pals at Draftkings.

When it comes to DFS play, I play for profit, sure, but I also play for fun and enter various lineups in cheap Cash Games and Head-to-Heads. The other night I threw together an all-speed team and it cashed. I also played an all-Carlos team that almost cashed. Damn you, Carlos Quentin! Tonight, I’m looking to construct the all-bargain-basement team that’ll feature nothing but players under $4,500. Wish me luck! Feel free to scatter a few of these guys through your roster or be bold and play them all!

With all that said, we have 11 games on the evening slate, some pricey bats and there’s some weather to pay attention to in Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Colorado. Here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s all-bargain-basement team for Wednesday’s 5/21 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball. Good luck, cheers.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In between winning the Nobel Prize, shots of rum, bagging 240-pound marlins and banging 140-pound broads, Ernest Hemingway wrote: The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially.”  Did Papa play fantasy baseball? My pitching staff was very good, very brave, and now they’re very dead. Light a candle and cue the bagpipes (those things get me misty every time) in memory of Patrick Corbin, Matt Moore, Kris Medlen and the latest soldier to fall, Jose FernandezThe literary references aside, the most talked about pitcher in baseball this season is not Clayton Kershaw, it’s not Max Scherzer, and it’s not even Bartolo Colon after an at-bat. The most talked about arm in the game is Tommy John. If ol’ TJ had a buck for every pitcher that has been lost this season to the surgery that bears his name, he’d have $19 – which is $4 more than he made in his Major League career. Thus far, 19 pitchers have blown out their prized possession, with Fernandez the latest to fall and rumors swirling about Andrew Cashner, who was just put on the DL shelf. All of last season, 19 players were lost to Tommy John. To talk some real baseball for a minute, even commissioner Bud Selig weighed in on the epidemic saying, “I’m almost afraid to pick up the paper because of the bad news.” Unfortunately, the bad news Bud was referring to, in the paper, was that it looks like Beetle Bailey will never get out of the Army. Bud then answered a call on his shoe as his toupee fell into his soup. The fact is, no matter how well you drafted, your staff must be feeling the pain, and no amount of penicillin will cure what ails you.  It’s time to fire up the jammer-crammer machine©, dive into the deep-end of the waiver waters, and find us some arms that aren’t stitched together like Young Frankenstein. Walk this way, it’s time to jam it or cram it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When it comes to DFS play nothing can kick you off your throne quicker than a cold streak. And I hit one last week. Playing daily fantasy sports can be a fun, lucrative and an absolutely maddening endeavor. No other sport has as much variance on a nightly basis. I often wonder why I put myself through this athletic sadism. Ok, I know why. I like pain the competition, I like the cash and I love baseball. Over the past week, your humble-but-nonetheless-royal Guru has had plenty of competition, not so much cash and nowhere near the love I deserve as I went just 23 for 40. I may be no draft king, but the bankroll increased a bit and I’m inching closer to a winter of fun in the sun. The problem is I may have to pass on Cancun and head to Coney Island. Hopefully, I have a little left over for the bail bondsman. If you want to join me poolside just hit the DraftKings link and you’ll get a free ticket for a contest with your first-time deposit. The winner of that contest gets entry into our $500k Showcase with a $100k top prize – that’s a lot of banana daiquiris. Also, if you haven’t fired up the DFSBot yet, check it out. It’s a great tool for your bag of tricks that’ll give you an advantage over the competition. I used it Monday for some Tim Lincecum love that banked big for me. Believe me, I needed it.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve shared some of my strategies when playing DFS baseball. If you missed them you can give a look here, here, and here. This week, let’s talk a bit about managing the budget. On DraftKings you get 50K to spend on two pitchers and eight positions. I usually spend 18- 22K of that on pitching which doesn’t leave a lot of room for mistakes with hitters. One of the questions I get asked a lot is if it’s okay to leave money on the table when constructing a team. I say, unless you’re a seasoned DFS shark, it’s best to spend to the cap or real close to it. I never leave more than $500 on the board and there are three reasons for that: 1) No projections are 100% accurate. Sorry, DFSBot, you’re good but no one’s that good. 2) More often than not your “optimal lineup” will be wrong. Ha! I know this sounds negative, but play DFS awhile and you’ll realize that not spending that leftover $800 will hurt. I found this out on Monday when I didn’t spend up for pitching and went with Tyler Lyons – he gave me -11 points. Yes, negative 11! 3) Finding cheap players that produce is necessary to win, but players are in the bargain bin for reason. If you see a player that usually has a high price tag is suddenly cheap there’s probably a reason for it – he has a bad matchup, he’s unlikely to play or he’s hurt. I saw a lot of people grab Mark Teixeira on Monday because the price was right in a great matchup. Unfortunately, he ended up not playing which left some people with a big fat zero.

With all that said, we have just eight games on the evening slate, a number of aces on the mound and some weather to pay attention to in St. Louis and Cincinnati. Here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s lineup for Wednesday’s 5/14 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball. Good luck, cheers.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Mother’s Day to all the folks out there today with mothers. No, not you pod people! And stop doing that Invasion of the Body Snatchers screech, I haven’t slept in days. Every Mother’s Day, I like to turn my bloodshot eyes toward the mother of all Razzballin’ terms – SAGNOF! Is there a question we scribes get asked more about than where to find the steals and the saves? Maybe, but I ignore all backup catcher queries. Sorry, it’s something they teach up at the fantasy baseball college.  When it comes to finding the elusive SAGNOF!, we’re going to have to wade into the deep end of the waiver waters. “Son, you just had a Hot Pocket, you gotta wait 30 minutes!”  Thanks, Mom, but I’m a big boy now, and my fake baseball life is infinitely more important than my real life, since I basically punted saves on all my RCL teams and I’ve been drowning ever since. Let’s fire up the Jammer Crammer© machine and see if there’s anything left for us SAGNOF! starved Razzaholics to salvage. Since it is Mother’s Day, I’ll let my mom give her opinion on each player. What greater gift can a son give his mother than an opportunity to say something on Razzball? Damn, I’m cheap. Keep in mind your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru’s mother calls fantasy baseball “Stratty-Matics.” Hey, she’s close, give her credit. It’s time for the SAGNOF! edition of Jam it or Cram it.

If you’re looking for some bonus jams and crams, check out Razzball Radio where Nick and your well turbaned Guru talk jams of the week, Manchurian Candidate, and we’re all left wondering why it’s so hard for the Guru to sit still. Out of Ritalin, thanks Obamacare!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Has the DraftKings monkey jumped on your back yet? What are you waiting for, Razzheads? Try one hit and you’ll be back for more. Especially when the first taste is free. New players that click on this link get into the $500k Showcase with a $100k top prize. Win that 500K and you can buy yourself a new liver. Thanks, Obamacare! We Razzicians will even give you an advantage over the other players by introducing you to the DFSBot. Check it out. Sure he looks like 2XL, but that bucket of bolts knows his shizz.

If you’re new to the DFS World there a number strategies that work when constructing a roster. Over the last few weeks I’ve shared some here and here. Hope they helped. If they didn’t, please stop with the Twitter stalking! Yeah, looking at you, Tehol. DFS is an entirely different beast when it comes to fantasy baseball and the variance day-to-day over playing an entire season is wide as you can imagine. Some rosters I put together come up aces and eights, others simply crap out. I played a roster the other night that had Mike Trout, Prince Fielder, Adrian Beltre and Giancarlo Stanton. That team would kill over a season, but on that particular night they all went cold and I lost. Fortunately, I usually play 3-5 rosters a night and it’s very rare I end up in the red. Over the last three days I’ve cashed in seven of 10 contests. Which brings me to the types of contests to play. There are basically two different types of games – 50/50s/Double-ups/Head-to-Head AKA (Cash Games) and GPPs (guaranteed prize pool tournaments). I use a different strategy depending on what I’m playing in. If I’m playing in Cash Games I don’t take a lot of chances. I play it safe and look for sure points. No need to risk not starting Miguel Cabrera because Matt Adams has two homers in 15 at-bats off a particular pitcher. You don’t need to be first you just need to be better than 50% of everyone else. Go for the sure thing. However, when it comes to GPPs I’m taking some risk…okay, a lot of risk. I want guys with huge upside that are going to go off and (hopefully) score a ton of points. Many nights it works out, but there are many nights it does not. If you’re new to DFS I’d suggest starting with Cash Games at low stakes before jumping in with the sharks – unless of course DraftKings is letting you play for free. Hey, I gave you the link!

With all that said, here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s lineup for Wednesday’s 5/7 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball. Remember to check the lineups and the Doppler radar. Don’t get left with a big fat zero if it starts raining frogs in Boston. Good luck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy early Cinco de Mayo, my tequila-fueled Razzaholics, and welcome back to the Razzball Lounge. We men of letters have donned our sombreros and gathered to celebrate whatever the hell Cinco de Mayo is – hey, I went to a school for dysfunctional teachers in Maine and the only Mexicans we ever saw were picking blueberries and turning John Deere’s into lowriders. We are also celebrating the Razzball revolucian! Yes, Razzball Radio launches this week with Señor Nick, who is currently transporting illegal video equipment across the border as we speak. Good stuff! As we gather in the lounge downing shots of Patron we look back at the first month of the season. There have been hot starts from new meat – Jose Abreu, Charlie Blackmon and Chris Colabello. There have been early season slumps – Miguel Cabrera, Prince Fielder and Adam Jones. And every team is battered and broken with Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Chris Davis and 422 other players on the disabled list. There’s plenty to celebrate and plenty to berate in the lounge today. Bellying up to the bar we find Sky wondering why he drafted a team that is completely on the disabled list. “Hey, at least Nick Punto is healthy!” *throws up on floor* At the jukebox we find Jay Wrong playing “Mexican Radio” for the 23rd time. “I’m on a Mexican radio, whoa! I just picked up  Bobby LaFromboise on waivers!” *bottle smashes above head* New to the Razzball Lounge is stat-boy Dano and his big book of facts who we have strung up from the ceiling for some human piñata-style hazing. “Did you fellas know Babe Ruth’s career wOBA was .510?” *WHACK!* Coming out of the ladies room is the one and only Tehol Beddict clad in just his Sears poncho. “Hey, guys I’ve set up a cock fight out back.”  Tehol, where are the roosters? “Whaddya mean roosters?” And here at the pool table is your-humble-but-nontheless-guapo Guru. *adjusts turban, closes eye, aims cue, banks eight-ball off three rails, licks salt, downs tequila, sucks lime,* Viva la Jam or Cram!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before we jump into the cash-filled DraftKings pool, let your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru pull on your coat about something cool happening here that will change your life forever – Razzball Radio is ready to launch! Starting on Monday there will be daily fantasy talk with Nick, Grey, Rudy and all your fave Razzballin’ personalities. And Tehol. I sure hope my new turban arrives from Calcutta in time. Let the stalking begin!

As I said last week I’ll be letting you follow my DraftKings progress through the season as I try to build that bankroll to the point where I can spend a few of the winter months in Cancun. However, after my showing last week it may just be a couple days in Newark. Ouch. Over the last seven days I’ve been mired in a 20-for-60 slump including a loss to Tehol who spanked me good and seemed to enjoy it just a bit too much. I was able to rebound later in the week cashing in seven of my final eight contests, but ultimately ended up in the red for the week. On the season, the bankroll has doubled and it’s time to get back to the winning ways.

For those familiar with DFS play feel free to skip ahead to today’s lineup as I share some strategies for choosing hitters. My downfall last week was hitting. I stacked the wrong teams, terrible starters pitched gems against good lineups and I was convinced someone had a Guru voodoo doll. Despite the tough week, I will stick to my system for picking hitters as it has paid off well in the past. I’m not one to junk my entire philosophy on one bad stretch. Here are the five things I look at when building a DFS lineup: 1) Pick on the day’s worst pitchers in the best hitters parks. 2) Check the Vegas o/u. Look for high scoring games. Vegas knows what they’re doing. Use them. 3) Forget batter vs. pitcher matchups if the sample is less than 100 AB’s. The sample size is just too small. 4) Check the lefty-righty splits. If I’m on the fence between two equal bats I’ll choose the bat with the better numbers against the splits, i.e. a right-handed bat vs. a left-handed pitcher or vice versa. 5) Embrace the wOBA. What the hell is that, Guru? The new Star Wars villain? Well, my sabermetricly challenged friend in the Yoda mask, “wOBA” is weighted on-base average and is the stat I look at the most when deciding on hitters. I won’t get into the science of the power of the wOBA, but know that it’s a stat that can accurately predict a hitters value. The DFS sharks love their wOBA, but don’t like to tell.

Alrighty my Razzballers, here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s lineup for Wednesday’s 4/30 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball. Remember to check the lineups and the Doppler radar. Don’t get left with a big fat zero if it starts raining frogs in Boston. Good luck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Back in your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru’s R-O-C-K in the U.S.A. days, I was working for a famous writing Mainer who also happened to own a radio station that doubled as a house of horrors. I was later fired for playing “The Lesbian Dating Game” and “doing things unbecoming of an employee” in the station’s van. Allegedly. But I digress. The job was cool and so was the “king”, but the program director was the kind of vertically challenged guy that put the double SOB in the word boss, if you know what I mean. I won’t mention his name either, but we called him “The Little Bastard”. He got that nickname one night backstage at a John Mellencamp show when he called the original little bastard “The Cougs” and got a face full of bourbon. *Puts pinky to mouth* come on baby, you make it hurt so good. I was never much of a fan of Mellencamp – Please, Mommy, don’t send us to Mellen Camp again there’s Mexican’s there –  but after watching one Napoleonic sufferer destroy another, I’ve been in his corner ever since. I fight authority and authority always wins. Thus concludes the Guru’s 432nd edition of (insert echo effect here) “Brush With Fame”. Next time we’ll talk about Aerosmith, black nail polish, and Liv Tyler – the statute of limitations has long expired me thinks. Today’s little ditty on our jam or cram has us looking at some of last week’s chart toppers and trying to decide if they are one hit wonders or Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees. We’re not talking about running Albert Pujols or Jose Fernandez through the ol’ jammer crammer machine© here. What we are looking for is whether or not those players that rocked last week (and are under 50% owned) are worth a hand to hold on to. Now that I’m fresh out of John Mellencamp references it’s time to jam it or cram it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So many times the so-called experts give you the names and the numbers, but you never really know how the ‘perts are doing in their DFS play. Well, my unkempt Razzballers, you’re humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru will share with you my results all season long. Will my winnings enable me to spend the winter in Cancun or will I go bust and be left turbanless and living under the bridge? We shall see. So far we’re looking at sand and sunshine. I’ve been in the money in 45 of 65 DraftKings contests. I’ll admit I don’t bet big. (A good tip: never wager more than 10% of your bankroll in any given day.) I also play mainly 50-50s/double-ups and head-to-heads where the odds of cashing are much better. It’s a good way to build a bankroll in the early going. I also use a couple different philosophies when playing DFS. 1) Ace and stack philosophy: One or two teams featuring the days best pitcher and a stack of players from teams that’ll score a lot. I used Jose Fernandez and a stack of Tigers last night. It cashed. 2) Stream-a-tron philosophy: I use Razzball’s Stream-o-nator and Hitter-tron to construct a team consisting of the two best pitchers along with hitters the ‘tron projects to produce that also fit under my budget. This may not win a tourney, but it cashes out in 50/50’s at a pretty good rate. Yesterday the Stream and the ‘tron liked David Price and Hyun-Jin Ryu along with Buster Posey, Miguel Cabrera and Hunter Pence. Not sure how this worked, but as of this writing I’m 27th out of 140 players. That’s one step closer to umbrella drinks and me showing off my tan lines.

With the rambling out of the way, don’t forget to join the DraftKings Sweet Spot challenge and we could frolic on the beach together with our thongs filled with $400,000 in cash. If you’re new to the game, keep in mind DraftKings virgins get a free $2 ticket.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Easter, festive heathen Razzaholics. You look so cute in your Easter bonnet. Have one of these Cadbury eggs I injected with Makers Mark, all Hunter S. Thompson-style. Now that’s a scotch egg! Come on funny feelings. Eat three of these and you’ll be seeing that Donnie Darko bunny in the mirror for a week. We’re going on a little Easter egg hunt today looking to fill our basket with sweet delicious bargains that’ll resurrect our ruined roster. Despite being crucified by injuries this season (I’ve lost Matt Latos, Ryan Zimmerman, David Robertson and now Michael Cuddyer) your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru is still hanging in there with three of my five RCL teams in the top three of the standings. While it’s still early, standings can change quickly and one bad week could ruin me.  I’m hurting for power and the SAGNOF! has been elusive thus far. That’s what we’re looking for today – homers, steals and saves. So strip out your Sunday best, toss the Easter tree out onto the front porch and stuff your face with Peeps, it’s time to jam it or cram it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?