Good afternoon party people and welcome to a Monday edition of Sundays with Uncle Ralph. I’m glad you all could make it. Have any trouble getting here? I’ve heard the internet pirates are especially bad on Mondays. Is this true? I don’t have any first hand experience because I write all of my material on cocktail napkins then email it to Sky from a computer at the local library. They let me pay by the hour with the loose change I store in my cupholders! It’s a lushlife. BTW seen the pitching ledger for the day? Yeah it’s pretty….ummmm…..ahhhh…hmmmm…how do I say this? Awful! Seriously the two highest priced pitchers are C.J. Wilson and Clay Buchholz and they face the Yankees and Blue Jays. The Streamonator rates them both as positive starters, C.J. is rated as the best start of the day while Clay barely makes the cut at a price of $1. I’m not sure I understand the Wilson love. He’s been in a two bad starts two good starts pattern for the past few months and his 7 run torture fest at the hands of the Houston Astros on Tuesday was the first bad start after a run of two good starts…..You know what that means. His opponent isn’t a cakewalk either, the Yankees rank 4th in wOBA vs LHP and they’re middle of the pack when it comes to road wOBA ranking 15th. I’d stay away from Wilson and dig in the dumpster pile, lots of extra bucks to throw at some hitters. Which brings me to my top choice of the day Mike Leake ($6,900). Seriously no one’s been this excited about Mike Leake since he left Arizona State. As long as we can keep him from the Macy’s T-shirt line, we should be good to go. Okay that’s not saying much but the SoN agrees pricing him at $6.5, the second highest value of the day. In the month of June he’s rocking a 2.54 ERA, a 7.09 k/9 and 1.64 Bb/9. So he’s on a bit of a hot streak. It’s not a ton to go on but on a day like today you have to take some chances. So unzip, breath deep, and take a Leake.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hey, you sit your five dollar ass down before I have to make change. It’s two start pitchers, Week 13 edition and we’re all about the immortal Wesley Snipes. Let’s think about this for a minute, this is a man who’s trained in five different disciplines of fighting, a man that revolutionized the flat-top, a man that played not only a hero-vampire but also Nino Brown. I pretty much live my life by Nino Brown quotes from New Jack City. In other words, I’m an awful brother. I also use Mother****** as a noun, verb, and adjective. My neighbors frown on the crack sales 364 days a year, but they love when I hand out turkeys on Thanksgiving. They’re nice folks, and I can’t blame them for their judgments. This sort of behavior is a bit out of place in Audi-driving Suburbia, but it’s my self expression. What’s the old saying? Trap or die? So our theme this week is Wesley Snipes movies because Wesley Snipes is awesome and he should be celebrated for his contributions to the craft.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Father’s Day to all of my fellow fathers out there. May your days be filled with copious amounts of meat, and a responsible amount of beer. I mean let’s not get out of hand here. But I don’t need to tell all of you that because we’re all responsible adults. Forgive me if a ramble a bit in this week’s post; I just got back from a Cuban themed BBQ complete with a Latin jazz quintet, open bar, and weird fat white lady rolling cigars. So what can I say, I’m a few mojitos deep and ready to talk some daily fantasy baseball. I thought of featuring nothing but Cuban players but then I couldn’t talk about Jose Quintana!! Was that an awkward segue? Yeah it was but whatever, let’s move along. Jose Quintana faces the Rangers today and the Streamonator loves him. So much so that he’s priced at a $23.1 value which is the second highest rank of the day, just below Masahiro Tanaka and above Matt Harvey. I’m sure the SoN is factoring in the Rangers struggles vs LHP, in particular that 23.9% K%. Quintana’s ratio have been a bit skewed by three bad starts earlier in the year and the others have been consistently 6+ innings, under 3 earned, and 5 plus K’s with some potential for more. He’s your typical high floor value play on DraftKings. He’s priced economically at $7,300 which gives you some coin to pair him with Matt Harvey or Tanaka.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Some call them cookie dusters, others dirt squirrels, lip luggage, snot mops, and upper lipholstery. I believe our Boss/fearless leader/fantasy master lothario calls his “old bullet proof”, but I’m not sure. I’m of course talking about those lip rugs knows as mustaches. Our sport of baseball more so than any other contest of athletic prowess has embraced the flavor savor. Over the years there have been some top choice lip rugs in the American past time. So this week’s theme is Baseball Mustaches. Seriously narrowing hardball’s best mustaches down to just six was damn near impossible. I tried anyway and I’m sure all of you will call me thick as brick for not including the handlebars you’d most like to ride. But that’s why we have comments, so you can belittle and abuse me for my lapses in judgement, poorly formed opinions, and general lack of research when it comes to the pitchers being skipped two days after this article posts. I mean in some circles I am known as the Oracle and my propensity for knowing the future is rather well documented. Still I’m at least 37% human, so cut me some slack.  Week 12’s roster of two start pitchers is top heavy and flat bottomed, it’s like the Kate Upton of two start pitching weeks. You know because she’s big…..wait I’m not going to bother explaining this.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well happy Sunday everyone and merry Byron Buxton day to you. That’s right the chosen one is upon us, the most hyped Major League debut since Bryce Harper. But believe it or not that’s not all!! We have Francisco Lindor joining the party as well as today’s undercard. If these two stud prospects are already owned in all of your season long leagues there’s a great way to get in on the festivities. Play some DraftKings and draft ’em both! Buxton is an affordable $4,200, while Lindor is just $3,900, so both players can easily be fit into a lineup. Hell, I’m doing a prospect lineup for some GPP’s with McCullers, Foltynewicz, Lindor, Buxton, Gallo, Swihart, and Addison Russell. I’m also using fellow top prospect Carlos Correa in a lineup or two. It’s been a big week for the future sex machines of our game. I have no idea how long Buxton sticks but he’s going to be fun to own. But wait prospects aren’t the only excitement on tap for today, did you have a gander at the pitching ledger? Aces on aces my over the interweb friends. Scherzer, Sale, Kluber, Hamels, Gray, Lester, and Taylor Jungmann! I can hardly contain myself can you tell?

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Son of a plumber, the real American dream has returned for another week of two start scrutiny. I’m here to do the dirty work. I drop the bionic elbow on your dome to enlighten you to the two start knowledge that I possess. I’ve seen hard times recently, and it’s due to Rick Flair, Nate Karns, Mike Foltynewicz, and Tom Cruise! You don’t know what hard times are Daddy! Hard times is when the factory workers are out of work and got 4 or 5 kids. Hard times are when the Auto Workers are out of work! Hard times are when a man who’s worked at a company for 30 years gets a watch and gets told a computer can do his job! Hard times Daddy! I’ve been stuck in hard times. Well screw Mike Foltynewicz until he tricks me into believing in him again. We’re back this week and it’s no holds barred we’re taking the folding chairs out of the front row and fighting dirty. We’re going with the theme of 1980’s and early 90’s wrestling. This is pretty much the last time I watched wrestling. They ruined it with all the complex storylines and other non-sense. Remember when it was just sort of some meaningless beef and you got to watch them duke it out on Saturday morning? In my humble opinion it was the best it ever was, but what do I know?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I ate a ton of asparagus yesterday and my pee stinks. I also spent most of the day drinking tall boys in a kiddie pool. I spent about 3 hours trying to make a YouTube video of me blowing up chipmunks with bottle rockets. Didn’t work out, and I still found time to checkout the DFS happenings for today. If you’ve looked at the pitching roster then you know it’s arms on arms today. Cole, Archer, deGrom, Greinke, Cueto, Carrasco, Zimmermann, and there’s still more. The long and the short there’s a ton of options. So let’s just get something out of the way I’m not going to suggest you play Cole, Archer, or deGrom. I assume you’re well aware of how good they are. You should also recognize that starting one of those three as your SP1 is a necessity in all cash games. The question then becomes do you go double aces or do you pair one with the second level of starters. Today’s a great day for the second tier. Lets talk about a few of the options I like.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In my never ending quest to blend two start pitchers and nostalgia, I stumbled upon a even better spin-off of last week’s premise. In Week 9’s post we dove head first into a little Nintendo nostalgia (awesome band name BTW) and a cornucopia of rad games were discussed. Seemed like everyone had opinions on Battletoads. Interesting because I always thought that hands down Battletoads held the record for most frustrated controller throws induced. Frustration City Beeyatch! The most discussed game by a large measure was the classic pastime of the pugilistic arts “Mike Tyson’s Punchout”. Some of you claim to have defeated Tyson with Little Mac, to which I say “You’re a bunch of stinkin’ Liars”. Seriously lasting one round with Tyson in and of it self was a victory. Then again maybe King Of Kong Billy Mitchell is reading the Razz, I suppose one never knows. I mean all of you could actually be productive and upstanding members of society! Feel like I might be giving our readers a bit too much credit. Go ahead take it for what it’s worth. Regardless Mike Tyson’s Punchout is this week’s theme. So the tiers will be listed by character and we can discuss everyone’s exploits with “Little Mac” in the comments. I wonder if that’s what Mark McGuire calls his junk?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’d like to start off by apologizing. Seriously I’m sorry. The whole ordeal was awful. I came on here waxed poetic about Carlos “F*$?#!G” Frias and what does he do? He goes out and proceeds to Main Street Grand Salami’s, hangs 10 earned, and scores negative 19 points on DraftKings. I repeat NEGATIVE NINETEEN POINTS! That has to go down as the single worst piece of advice ever printed on Razzball. Needless to say Frias is on my donzo list. So if you decide to avoid any players I suggest this week I can’t say I blame you. For everyone else still left, there’s a lesson in my failure. Cheap pitching on DraftKings is risky. Some days you boom and find the gem of the contests other times you get Friased. I’m not sure the stink of that choice will ever truly wash away. Nevertheless I’m dusting myself off and stepping back up to the plate with a whole new list of DraftKings plays. Hey they can’t be any worse than last week’s. Right?!?

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Travel back in time with me if you will, to a place where fanny packs, male ponytails, and Jordache jeans were all the rage. A time when Bruce Jenner was a symbol of masculinity, and O.J. Simpson was America’s favorite star! Travel with me to the age of Nintendo, a time when video games had two buttons and you didn’t need a degree in molecular biology to play. That last sentence made me sound very old, oh well. Anyway the theme of this week’s two start pitchers soiree is Nintendo! No not Super Nintendo (which was awesome BTW, #GoldenEye4life) or Wii, just plan old “blow on the console” to clean it NES. If you were anything like me then you played your fair share of Zelda, Super Mario, Duck Hunt, Tecmo Bowl, Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, RBI Baseball, Double Dribble, Blades Of Steel, the list goes on and on. [Jay’s Note: Where’s Excite Bike and Battle Toads?] Aww the good old days when video games had easily exploitable glitches, like throwing to the outside of the plate with Nolan Ryan. Or pressing the Duck Hunt gun against the screen because that damn pooch kept laughing at you. Don’t look at me swan! Anyway, this week we have one of the deeper rosters of two-start pitchers in recent memory, and arguably the four best arms in the game double dipping. Not to worry if you don’t own one of the four horsemen there’s plenty of other great options in week number 9. So get up off of that thang and take a gander at this week’s two start madness.

Please, blog, may I have some more?