I almost went with Mark Wahlberg‘s rendition here but I thought, nah, I ain’t gonna make your ears bleed. I’ll just gif it and be done. Just realize you did it to yourself if you clicked that. Ample warning was given. But back to the point: Drew Hutchison. He’s a GPP play today at the low, low price of $6,500. I hear you out there: but Sky, he has a 5.33 ERA and is pitching in a pitcher’s park. Bish you cray! Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard these things before. Don’t care. What I care is going on below the surface numbers for Hutch and that’s his home/road splits. He’s having a bizarro season thus far so why not have him be amazing at Rogers Center despite having major reverse splits on the year? I mean, it all makes sense, right? Over 45.1 IP this year at home, Hutch carries a 2.38 ERA, an 8.34 K/9 and a miniscule 1.59 BB/9. I don’t understand this and yet I can’t fight these stats. And just for correctness, he ain’t getting lucky as his xFIP of 3.04 and FIP of 2.49 can attest to. So Hutch really does have the power…YEAH! PS, if you’re reading this Michael Bay. Kindly go eff yourself for taking a CGI dump on my childhood Transformer memories. Hate you forever. But enough about Optimus Prime, let’s move along. Here’s my Sunday fun day takes for this day’s slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Whoa there, friend. Don’t go there. You really, REALLY read that title wrong. This isn’t Brazzersball, this is Razzball so you keep your dirty thoughts to yourself…or share them in the comments! There’s no double entendre going on here. I’m suggesting nothing lewd when I suggest you play Hector Santiago. Or maybe I am? It does seem a bit crude of me to suggest someone who’s been playing above his peripherals all year. That 2.71 ERA and that 4.51 xFIP will surely meet and become one in the future, especially when you consider his low ground ball rates and his mediocre K:BB ratio. He’s a bit of a mirage but when you’re in the desert, I’ll take a pretend oasis over staring at the arid vastness. We have a seven game slate tonight so stumping for upside outside of the major names can be tough. And hell, what am I even saying? He’s SP6 in terms of price on the day at $7,200. That said, the Astros…well maybe you’ve heard this before but they strike out a lot. Their lineup is basically 9 Adam Dunns of varying height and girth because they’re all three true outcome types of players. Given that Hector gets to pitch in a relatively friendly pitchers’ park and that he’s at home, I’m willing to make him my SP2 today in cash games and possibly my SP1 in tourneys. Mmm, that sweet, sweet Hector…ahem, I mean Nectar. I think? But enough about my my confusion over sweet, sugary liquids, let’s move on. Here’s my emoji fire takes on today’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Truth up front: this be a punt. You want me to extol the virtues of Mike Montgomery and I just don’t have that much smoke to blow up your pretty little tush. Today there are a lot of great pitching options at the top and very few pitchers I wanna take chances on below so this call is really me going ‘hey, what does the Teamonator say about home team win percentage chances?’ and abiding by it accordingly. Basically, at this low price of $5,400 I’m hoping for 15-17 points of production as I pair him with a high end arm and some sweet power bats. All this to say, I do not expect Montgomery to be excellent but I expect his price tag to help you build a lineup that is. But enough about The Simpsons, let’s get through this. Here’s my scalding hot takes for this Thursday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

 

That face says it all. It’s the face of a man who’s seen some $hit. Like a DK LU that rostered Carlos Frias for his -18 point implosion. I mean, the scarring just don’t heal. It’s also the face of our humble…oh who am I kidding, braggart lothario Overload Grey Albright. A long time back (in fantasy baseball, 2 years ago really is a long time back), his Royal Stacheness had Erasmo Ramirez pegged as a sleeper and who could blame him? Solid minor league numbers to go along with a great home ballpark with a team that had a good track record of bringing good, young arms along. The stars were aligned and it looked like Erasmo was destined for greatness. And then he started pitching…woof. Everything he throws just dances which is great if he knew where he was throwing it. Erasmo got lit up but not like the way Buckcherry meant it. That’s illegal. Either way, he was chucked aside by the Mariners to the Rays and considered a forgotten man…but if you’ve been paying attention, you’d notice things haven’t been as dire in Tampa for him as they were in Seattle. The Rays seem to be taking this reclamation project over quite well as he currently owns a 50% groundball rate (highest of his albeit short career) and he even has a 31 point DK showing to his credit. At $5,600, you need about 18 points to get your ROI and if the Nats are still without Bryce Harper, I believe you can get that. Now after saying all that, if Harper is in, I’m probably out on this call but even Vegas is giving Erasmo the slight nod in a low scoring pick’em today with -110 and a 7 o/u so there’s some merit to this David Lynch’ian madness. But enough about surrealism, let’s get this going. Here are my other hot takes for today’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yeah, yeah, normally I open with something about a player but today I just ain’t doing it. Instead, I’m going to point out something I enjoy personally about the DFS world that, oddly, hasn’t happened much for my day of the week this year: the short slate. Today we have eight games on the docket which is a healthy amount and yet not one that requires an overload of breakdown or information. If you’re a novice or are still cutting your teeth on this silly little game we play, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of days like this or to sign up for games built around the ‘turbo’, ‘early’, or ‘late’ sets. These tend to be slates catering to smaller amounts of games played. They’re good for cash games, which in turn are good for your wallet, which in turn is good for your spinning of the wheel on the bigger slates and some tourney goodness. Anywhere from a five game to up to an eight or even nine is a nice place to be in my book. But enough about my weird novella, let us break it down. Here’s my flaming hot takes for the Monday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I try not to use titles of movies I haven’t seen but I’m gonna fudge on this one. Look, I tried figuring out how to work Planet Of The Apes in but hey, you try. I’m waiting…exactly, now you understand my conundrum. Look, it’s not like I don’t like ‘old movies’, per se. I mean, I watched Metropolis and loved it and that came out when Mr. Heston was just 4 years old. Let’s just say that my knowledge of movies in the 50’s and 60’s is weak at best and enjoy the topic I brought to you today. How do you like that, you damn, dirty apes! Sorry, still on the better POTA movie. Eff you, Marky Mark! Anywho, we’re talking Chris Heston. As a guy who plays in regular, season long leagues, Heston has been my go to when I need a good stream. He’s your prototypical Giants pitcher who’s not an ace and not that great on the road usually unless the matchup is right (HOUSTON HELLO!). Given the Pirates lineup, though fearsome, features mostly righties and Heston has so far neutralized them over the course of the year, his $5,300 makes him a great punt SP2 for your tourneys so you can squeeze in the sweet, sweet pep of that LAD@COL series. And if he doesn’t pan out? Well…yeah, still haven’t seen Ben-Hur, and now I’m just dipping into POTA parodies. An obvious sign we should move on. So with that, let’s get it on (but not like that). Here’s my sweltry hot takes for this Tuesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Don’t ask where that title is going. Is it a pun? A double entendre? Perhaps a triple one? It’s a mess, really, but there’s something funny in there…I think…but I don’t wanna think about it much longer, it’s making me uncomfortable. Instead, let’s discuss the point of my babble: Jason Hammel. So far on the season, Hammel is sitting with an ERA close to his xFIP and has had neutral luck in BABIP, LOB%, and HR%. Couple that with a K/9 over 8 and a BB/9 near 1 and moving him to a pitcher-happy place like the Unicorn Vomit Park, it’s hard not to like Jason’s chances for putting up at least his season average. I’m looking to Hammel to be my SP2 in most leagues today knowing full well he has the opportunity to finish with SP1 numbers. But enough about that, let’s talk about this: here’s my other hot takes for the Monday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to Razzball, here is your pitching menu for this morning and afternoon. First off, we have plenty of arms to choose from on the Early Bird Special but that stops serving shortly. I can and will go over the choices on there later if you’d like but for now, I’d like to talk to you about our special for this evening: Jake Odorizzi. For just $8,000, you get a delicious splits difference in that Jake has a 2.87 xFIP and a K-BB% of 20.4% on the year against left-handed bats. Given that the Mariners boast around seven of those in their lineup on a given night, this is by far the most bang for your buck that we have on the menu tonight and if you choose correct sides around it, he might end up being able to feed your whole family for, like, a long, long time. Why am I wearing a tight, sheer tank top? Um, *covers kids’ ears* Razzball is what we call in the industry a ‘Breastaurant’. Woah, don’t talk about my chest like that. It’s only this small because I haven’t landed my big gig in Hollywood yet to pay for the goods! *End Scene* – In all seriousness, Jake looks to be a fine cash game get for a very small slate of pitching on this evening and is probably my SP1 given the price and the ugliness surrounding him. In all seriousness part deux, we’ll be covering a bit of the mid-day/morning slate because I have a bigger window to talk about it. In all seriousness part triple, I tip my cap to all of those who have given their lives for us. Your service is never forgotten. But with that, let’s move on to what we came to do. Here’s my seething hot takes for this Monday’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m going to introduce you to a word: chalk. No, not the kind you used to write ‘I will not depants Sally in front of the auditorium full of parents during the Winter Christmas Pageant’ 100 times. I’m here to talk about the DFS slang borrowed from the betting world. Here, chalk means the favorite or best play of the day. For example, we all know to greet each other with ‘Happy Harvey Day’ in the comments, but do you really need me to tell you he’s good? Do you need that to be my opening post to you? There’s your chalk. He’s one of the best pitchers in the league and on a very short slate, he literally jumps off the pitching page when you look at the mere 12 on there. With that said, let’s not waste words on what we already know, let’s talk about something unknown: The B-52’s were actually a good band. Subjective, you say. Well, let’s say it differently then: in the small world of New Wave, they held their own. Let’s consider this New Wave Monday with that in mind and consider Harvey The Talking Heads while we decide to Rock Lobstein. I’m not going to talk up Kyle Lobstein too much. He in and of himself is just an average MLB pitcher, but here’s what I will talk about: The Brewers. So far on the year, the team has a wRC+ of 55 against LHP, good for second to last in the league. Factor in the 26% K rate against southies, regulars Segura and Lucroy on the DL, not to mention Gomez being beaned in the head on Sunday and likely out himself…well, the stars couldn’t align more for Kyle. Sometimes you don’t have to be the best play of the day to be a good choice. So let’s Rock Lobstein together and look on to what other hot takes I have on the Monday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I hear you out there. Wait, something’s not quite right…I see a grainy pic so we’re kinda ok…but where’s the mustache…*squints*…OMG YOU’RE NOT GREY WHAT IS THIS INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE. Look, Grey had a thang, ok? He paged me and asked for coverage. Yes, I’m being literal, he paged me. He’s a bit old school, there’s nothing wrong with that. I showed him my iPhone 6s and how it could translate to Kirundi and make a mean cheese omelette but he said he’d rather ping me with ‘5318008‘. Honestly, I’m totally fine with that but he calls every time afterwards asking me to flip it upside down. Every. Time. Either way, I said I’d cover and here I am, covering the coverage and that leads us to Drew Hutchison. First off, if you own him…ticker shock! Those Houston guys are really good at coming from behind. That’s what she said! Over six innings, Drew gave up two runs while allowing 6 base runners (only one walk), striking out nine. Nine is a nice number when you’re talking about Ks but not as nice as 10. Ten is how many Astros Chris Heston fanned on Tuesday as he threw a complete game two hitter. Heston is close to a 7 K/9 kind of guy, probably a little under. On the one hand, I love Drew so this start has me piqued. On the other hand, the Astros are second in the majors in K rate at 24.6%. On the third hand which is actually Grey’s hand as he takes the pager from me and flips it upside down, Drew looks like a good get for deeper leagues where you can wait on his high K potential, but this shouldn’t move the needle for standard or the RCL. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?