I’m a self-confessed/afflicted Mariners fan. I have been since the days of The Kid, Bones and ‘The Martinez Brothers’. I remember Mike Blowers catching fire in the second half of 1995 as Seattle surged to take over the AL West pennant from a team led by a guy with a fish for a last name. Fast forward 19 years – make sure you don’t wear out your VCR doing that, it’ll take a while – and the Mariners are still chasing an Angels team that’s led by a guy with a fish for a last name, only now there is no Blowers, we traded for or signed at least 5 DHs in the off-season and get shut down by pitchers like Brett Oberholtzer, who sounds more like an item at IKEA than a major league ball player. All this to say, as a man who plays over at DraftKings, I know what to do with the pain of having this kind of struggle from my home team – take advantage of it. There’s a reason Brandon Maurer is only $5,500 over on the good ‘ole DK. No, I’m not suggesting you play Maurer. You think I’d start with this depressing open and then tell you to roll him out there? His ERA is 6.99. ERA not predictive enough for you? How about an xFIP of 5.09? Or a K/9 of 4.76? Seriously, trade for Danny Worth at this stage, M’s, and let him run out there in Maurer’s stead please. But until they do, consider any and all Angels in play. Consider this your fall-back stack for the day which probably will be overplayed in GPP but should bring reasonable value. No Mariners fan is safe tomorrow, that doesn’t mean you can’t reap the benefits. And just in case you think I’m cray cray bae, HitterTron has got my back on this…and now it’s covered in oil discharge…if you’ll excuse me for a moment I’ll go clean up and finish off the rest of calling out these DK values. Oh and if you’re wondering where J-FOH is today, he called in sick with his own oily discharge going on. Feel free to Tweet at him random forms of sickness and hashtag it with #JFOHsIllness to make him feel better. No really, he loves ridicule. Promise!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There’s something about Katy Perry that just works for me. I’ve tried talking to my wife about it. ‘Do you like her voice?’, she asks. No, I’ve heard dying wild turkeys that sound better. ‘Maybe its her lyrics’, she suggests. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl so that doesn’t do anything for me. There’s just something about her, I don’t know what it is. It’s at this point I realize both of my hands around chest high, undulating and spread open like I was holding two honeydew melons. It’s also at this point that my wife let’s me know where I can sleep for the night. Don’t feel bad for me, though. The couch is pretty comfortable AND I can watch those Perry videos on mute to enjoy the bounty she has to offer. Yeah, yeah, I know you didn’t come here to see if Katy should be rostered over at DraftKings. And by ‘Rostered’ I mean…well nevermind what I mean, let’s talk Brad Peacock, m’kay? As I talked with Nick about on the Razzball Podcast on Tuesday, Peacock looked amazing at times and then seemed to fall apart out of nowhere. All this to say, my call is very to the nth degree cubed multiplied by pi risky. I’m definitely not suggesting this for 50/50 and cash games. But for a GPP go? Well, at home, the Mariners carry the second worst team wOBA in the league at .279, barely beating out the Mets for last place with their robust .275. It’s contrarian, it’s dangerous and it all comes with a cheap price tag of $6,500. Does the DFSBot like my call? Not one bit. But do I? Well…let’s just move on and see what other picks I have for you for DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s official, DraftKings has broken me. It started with Tyler Lyons getting destroyed at home by the Cubs on Monday and I never fully recovered. The doctors say I’ve been catatonic since then only to wake late Thursday night shouting ‘they bat .188 against opposing LHP you !#@$)(%#$@%@!’ Needless to say, I’m typing this from what my wife has lovingly coined ‘the fun house’ and what with all the white padded walling and little cups of multi-colored, pill-form heaven, I have to say I’m feeling much better now. Or is it I can’t feel anything? When the doc asked me to take a look at some pictures to tell him what I saw, he said he was amazed by the findings. In every single inkblot, I saw Daily Fantasy values. Here I saw the Stream-o-Nator pointing out that Tanner Roark was a top 10 stream play on the day. Here I saw the DFSBot tell me he was undervalued by $300 relative to what his expected outcome was, making him a great value play. And here…well that was clearly Yngve Malmsten covered in butter playing ukulele to a bunch of Travelocity Gnomes at the Grand Ole Opry. Sadly, the doctor now says I can’t leave but at least there’s wi-fi here. So without further ado, here’s some more Razzball picks for today’s DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Seriously, I’m jonesing over here. David Price killed a small part of me yesterday in my lineups. Then Jake Arrieta went in with the dagger plunge on my lineups. And how the hell didn’t I get Ian Kennedy in ONE lineup. Really, Sky? REALLY?!? Woah, hey Seth Meyers. Could ya go back to New York, I’m kinda doing my thing here. BTW, I loved you in Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist…I’m joking, of course. I never watched that movie. But you know what I do watch? Baseball. And wanna know who’s fun to watch and good at that? Jose Fernandez. Do I really need to make a huge selling point here? Alright, here it is. Jo-Fer is #1 in the major leagues with a 12.54 K/9 rate. The Friars hitters? Eighth worst K-rate as a team at 22.8%. I know, I know…I had you at 12.54 K/9. There’s a reason he’s the top rated pitcher on the night with a $12,800 price tag. Might be harder to justify in GPP but he’s should be in every 50/50 you play for the day. Oh and BTW, just wanted to let you know, all y’all who signed up through our DraftKings sponsored link? To date, you’ve raked in over $38K. Yeah, that’s too round of a number to be believed. It’s actually $38,245. That’s some mad bank. How much did you spend to earn that amount back? I don’t know, I’m not your bookie. I’ll just assume that if your thumbs aren’t broken, you’re doing well in the game of ‘is it negative or is it positive’. My wife and I play that once a month around a Clear Blue. It’s just as nerve-wracking and just as worrisome about the expenses associated. But bygones! Either way it’s clear you all have great minds…or great tools like the DFSbot who’s just an extension of Rudy Gamble’s mind. Have we checked to see if Rudy is actually human yet himself? Anyways, just wanted to give you a well deserved congrats before we get on with the show. Here’s my picks for Friday’s DK contests for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Stepping aside from my DraftKings role here, I used to feel sorry for coach Porter. He’s dealing with all the fluff that won’t be in an Astros uniform by 2015 in his starting 9 minus Springer right now. He’s there to instill the day to day process and hustle into these kids. But you know what he’s not here to do? Stir stuff up. Yeah, yeah, you’re trying to show your team that you have heart by taking exception to Jed Lowrie‘s bunt in the first when you’re down 7-0 in the first inning last week. Well then don’t play the shift! Give up now, Bro Porter, or forever hold your beef. BTW, I don’t call people Bro unless I don’t like them, Porter. So now that we’re clear on that mess, Bro Porter had the audacity to send his reliever out to plunk Jed last night after he’d already gone 3/4 against his team while he was down 8-1. Now, I’m not a big believer in ‘revenge’ games but Oakland is just the better team right now, Bro Porter, and you’ve essentially kicked the hornet’s nest. What’s this all mean to you, you ask? Well, I’m hard-pressed to believe this mess puts a charge into the lethargic Astros and Jesse Chavez gets to mop up. I’m not gonna lie and tell you I’m a full season Chavez believer but what I do believe in is this: the Astros as a team strike out at a 4th worst 24.3% strikeout rate and Jesse averages over a strikeout per inning on this young season. When you add those numbers together, JC Super-Arm is due for at least 57.2 Ks today…give or take about 50. The reality is, he has zero weather issues and looks to be the safest arm to rely on for Friday given the weather concerns circling the East Coast. Even though the Stream-O-Nator is lukewarm on the idea, there’s some gold here and I’d take advantage if I can afford it. I’ll put it to you this way: the highest rated batter on Hitter-Tron for this tilt that plays for the Astros is George Springer and he’s batting .171 at the moment. If this were twitter, I’d say #yikes. But it’s not so I’ll move on and remind you that today – yes TODAY – is the Sweet Spot kickoff. We’ve been talking about it for forever and now you get to put your moola to work. I wish you the safest of journeys on your trek to financial glory. May the best man/woman/fantasy baseball vermin win. And with that, let’s get on with the pickins…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Stop me if you’ve heard this before but Colorado is playing at home and that’s a good thing for your DraftKings team. Yes, duh to the derp degree. We knows it now! With that said, you’re always looking for a way to get in on that action on the cheap. Tulo? He’s too high at $5,400. CarGo? Car Go bye bye at $5,700. And even Blackmon is nearing blackout territory at $4,600. What’s a playa to do? Well, you start looking at matchups and realize Madison Bumgarner is on the mound for today. Let me indulge you with something you either already know or could look up: MadBum is an LHP. Just in case you’re five and reading this – and you shouldn’t be, you have been advised – that doesn’t stand for Lego Harry Potter. Nay, we’re talking left-handed pitchers and that’s one of the few types of pitchers Drew Stubbs has handled well for most of his career. You see, little Stubby may have issues against righties but he’s handled the southpaw quite well for his career. In 618 career at-bats, Drew has 24 HRs while hitting .273. Now I’m no soothsayer but given that Michael Cuddyer is on the DL, I’d be surprised if the Rockies didn’t give Drew a day in right field and bat him in the two hole. At first, I thought this was lunacy on my part but then asked the Hitter-Tron what he had to say and he ranked him 18th overall for outfielders on the day. And then he asked me about my tail pipe and I left the room as fast as possible. You nasty, ‘Tron! Anywho, even though the Stream-O-Nator is ok with Madison in Coors, I think we all know the drill here. Get in on the cheap and if he’s in the starting lineup, peeps, cuz that’s the Sweet Spot…oh, did I just drop a promo mid-sell on Stubbs? Yes I did. Check the link if you’d like to win around $100K. You know, no biggie. With that said, let’s move along. Here are some other picks for today’s DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So I’ve been leading with pitchers all the time. That shizz is seriously gonna get boring fast. And believe me, I’ve been married for basically 10 years so I know boring. I ain’t playin’ DraftKings to feel like all I got is top or bottom! TMI? Yeah, TMI…but I’m gonna do things a little differently because I feel like it. And because Justin Morneau is feeling it, whatever that ‘it’ is when he can’t seem to miss the ball. Morneau just finished a road trip to San Diego, aka Petco Park, aka the vast desert of homerunlessness and came away with a couple of doubles and a HR. Before that, he hit a HR in San Fran in the previous series. And now? Morneau gets to play at home against a pitcher named Jonathan Pettibone, or ‘Mr. Bonepetter’ as he’s known on his adult film sets. To put it mildly, Jonathan is ‘WHOOOEEEFFF’. That’s me spelling out the sound of throwing up. Don’t look at me strange, we all throw up differently. The Stream-O-Nator spells throwup ‘-9′. That’s his dollar value today. No this isn’t golf, negative numbers aren’t good around here. Needless to say, both I and the Hitter-Tron agree that Morneau is set up for a fine day in Denver and given his price is only $4,400 on the good ‘ole DK, it would be smart to get a least a small piece of the Rocky Mountain High that’s sure to come. Not that kind of high. Unless you’re actually in Colorado. Then it’s totally cool and legal. Wait, aren’t we still teaching D.A.R.E. in school? You so crazy, .gov. Speaking of cool and legal, before we move onto the picks for the day, I wanted to remind you of the Sweet Spot like my wife does like all the time…TMI again? Oops…anyways, sign up to DraftKings via our promo and get a free ticket. You win with said free ticket, you get a shot at working your way into said Sweet Spot for free and get to take a picture with me as I take your oversized check and run away with it down the hill like Shooter McGavin does with Happy’s jacket. But enough about my impending thievery, let’s do this. Here are the Razzball picks for the 4/18/2014 slate over on DraftKings…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First off: Poop joke. Secondly: next poop joke. Good, now is it out of your system? Well if it ain’t, pinch it off we’ve got to keep dropping these DraftKings posts like they’re hot. Alright, alright, we can’t get things moving with you so backed up on this topic. Here, have some yogurt. Better? Good! Now I have to ask you to draft a guy who’s only $6,000 on DK and is pitching in Petco and he’s not a Padre pitcher. In fact, he’s playing for a team that could actually get him a win. You interested? Me too! His name is Rick Porcello. He enjoys going six to seven innings, loves ground ball outs, and can probably K about five or six guys today given that his opponent is the Padres who have scored 20 total runs in nine games to start the year. For you non-math majors, that’s 2.22 runs per game. You don’t even need to look at the Hitter-Tron to know these Padres won’t help your hitting lineup. I would’ve said just 2 runs since you can’t actually score .22 runs but I didn’t wanna make the lovers of San Diego cry more than their team has already made them. But of course, I’m just a man with an idea. What say you, Stream-O-Nator? Only the 11th best pitcher tomorrow? Balderdash! Oh wait, tons of aces on the mound tomorrow. I mean, Jose Fernandez is the 6th best pitcher tomorrow on there? Well that changes things now doesn’t it. Considering he’s about half the price of the big arms taking the mound, you can take him, buy an ace, and still have room in your budget for more Activia. Seriously, go talk with your doctor, you’ve got a problem. But enough about that, let’s do a few more quick DK pimpings and then move on. We’ve mentioned it a few times but there’s a little game we like to call the Sweet Spot on DraftKings. That’s a $400,000 pot. The cool thing about the link I just gave you? You sign up for the first time to DK you get a free ticket which you can turn into a ticket in the Sweet Spot. How often do you get to tell your wife you actually WON money playing fantasy sports (we’re friends here, you don’t need to lie to me). In either case, if you want in on this DK fun, that would be a great way to start. With that, let’s get on with it. Here’s the Razzball slant on the 4/11/2014 slate for your DraftKings lineups…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Picture this. Stephen Strasburg comes to you and says up close, I want you to draw me like one of your French Girls wearing this. At this moment, he pulls out his sports rope necklace from underneath his jersey. Sure, you respond as you pour over his fantasy baseball stats, clearly distracted and not mindful of the subject. And then he follows up this conversation with, wearing ONLY this…Oh and now it’s on. You quickly whip out your charcoal pencil set and diligently get to work as he lavishly drapes himself across an old davenport couch. Turn your head so I can’t see your oversized Adam’s Apple, you brusquely say. So serious, Stras says to you with a mock scowl upon his face but with a clear glint of mischievousness in his eye. But you don’t care as you are immersed within your art and all of the sudden you hear some weird Canadian singer tell you she believes the hot dogs will go on. And it’s at that moment you wake up from your nightmare screaming but while rocking a semi. Told you not to drink so much on a Friday night, bro! There’ll be pictures on the internet later. Last night was at ‘The Hangover’ level of messed up. But maybe the DraftKings Gods are trying to tell you something. Quickly! Rush to your nearest internet providing device and find that the Stream-O-Nator has him down as the second best pitcher to Price on the day. And then you dig a bit further and find him at $11,500 and it makes you worry that maybe the Rent Is Too Damn High. But then you dig even further and find out that the Atlanta Braves are still one of the worst in the game at striking out as their 2014 K rate (26.2%) is sitting up near where it was last year at 22.6%. And then you put the two together: The Braves strike out a lot and Strasburg strikes a lot of hitters out. Win + Win = EPIC WIN. Even the Hitter-Tron is lukewarm on Atlanta’s lineup and he’d squirt his motor oil on anything that moves if given the chance. All this to say, a 10K+ performance could happen and you kinda wanna be in on that action. But with all that out of the way, let’s tread on. Here’s our picks for 4/5/14 contests on Draftkings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Seriously, I’m drooling over here. Maybe it’s the medication. Nurse Ratched, bring me my drooling bib! Sorry, got locked up in the looney bin after how this week has started for me both in Draftkings and in my regular leagues. How does a team have .252 OBP and .272 SLG% over four days when it has over 10 guys who hit 20 or more HRs apiece just a season ago? I’d say bygones but I’ve been scrawling this on the walls here in the institution for the last few days in my own excrement cuz I just can’t figure it out. Nurse Ratched, please don’t forget to set my lineups for today! You know I can’t do it with this weird backwards jacket you have on me! I’m not Kris Kross! Though it is quite stylish…yes, where was I? Ok, today’s slate. We have the Minnesota Twins playing somebody, who is it? Ah yes, the Twinkies are in Cleveland and Danny Salazar gets to make his season debut. DK loves Ks and Twins look to be a good punching bag for both regular fantasy streams and Daily Fantasy ones so today’s matchup looks downright gorgeous. What say you Stream-O-Nator? Well, you didn’t have to shout it…and there’s no need for calling names, especially those ones. Given that he’s at the low price of $8,800, you’ll have plenty of room for another arm and can comb over what the Hitter-Tron has to say on some top bats and not worry about not having enough bank to do it. Oh and are you looking for some kind of tourney to play Salivate Salazar in today? Well why not the big Razzball Draftkings Contest the guys over at DK put together for us. Yes us! Don’t you feel special being recognized like that? I’m sure they would’ve named it after just you if they knew your name. They’re cool like that. But nevertheless, less chat and more choices. Here’s some Razzball picks for Draftkings lineups on 4/4/2014 for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?