And just like Lazarus, I’ve come back from the dead. Well not really from death. I was just on vacation but after being gone this long I’m sure you’re all saying ‘you’re dead to me’ upon reading this. I know, it was one of the worst times of the year to leave you. You’re pushing for the playoffs in head to head leagues or trying to wiggle up your standings at the final turn of the season. I left you cold, naked and afraid like that one time the boyfriend came in and you were bumping uglies with his girl and you had to hide in the stand up freezer. I understand no apology will erase this frost-bitten memory for you but hopefully my player of choice this week can put me back into your good graces. To be fair, JB and I and the rest of the Razzball Football crew have been pretty busy trying to get Commissioners for the 2013 Fantasy Football season in our Razzball Commenter Leagues so it’s not like we haven’t still been working hard for you, we just changed the shape of the ball. But with that, I come to you for this fine week 21 with a power crazed man with a sweet home ballpark. So let me give unto you Darin Ruf for week 21 of the 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
First and foremost, I’d like to start this little piece off with a big thanks to all of those who read these creeper posts. It’s meant a lot to me but I’m afraid I have to move on from them for a while…like for a week. You think I’d abandon you? Never! You’re like a box of fluffy little kittens left outside a grocery store in November. If I could, I’d take you all home with me. But I can’t afford that so I’m gonna have to do the most humane thing I can which is sack you up and drown you in the river…whoops, where was I going with this insanely dark path? I don’t know. I’ll be out next week. Deal with it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not here for you this week, friends. Nope, I’m all in on it for you this week as we examine the curious life of Kole Calhoun and how he’s here to help you for week 19 of the 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…but wait, there’s more! If ya didn’t know this by now, I write for the football side here on Razzball as well. If ya didn’t know part deux, we do our own version of the RCLs over there and you get to win sweet Razzball swag that way as well. So let’s say you’re out of it for baseball’s grand prize this year, we’ve got you covered with the Razzball Football Commenter Leagues, peeps! And before you tell me to close my filthy, whorish mouth realize Razzball is like the 3 Musketeers: we’re all for one and one for all! Anythewho, back to talk to you about what we came to do. Ain’t that right, boo? TRUE!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Homer has so many different meanings. When I say ‘Homer’, I could be referring to Mr. Simpson himself (or Mr. Plow if you prefer). Conversely, I could be referring to when a player hits the ball out of the park. That would make sense given the context but I’m not going that route either. Even further, I could be referring to the Greek poet but we all know I’m not smart enough for that reference. Or better yet, since we’re talking about a Padre, I could be referring to Jaywrong and his dirty affliction for all things Friars. But nay, I talk not of any of these things. I’m here to talk about being a homer like I’m a rapper and I get to make shizz up. I’m gonna call Yonder Alonso a homer for the coming week for 2013 fantasy baseball and if you’d like to find out why, you’ll have to read on into the next paragraph. Be careful with that first step and I’ll meet you there!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Thanks for the welcome back all from my All-Star Weekend excursion. I talked with Grey and he said ‘why the heck didn’t you write one?’ to which I responded ‘but please, sir, you promised me some time off around the break while I worked on the Razzball Fantasy Football side of things. You also said you’d bump my pay from 2 bits to 3 for the year. Does that still apply?’ From that point on there was much caning and agony until I reminded him of my Luke Scott call from the week prior to calm him along with refilling his vape. But of course, none of this matters to you really, you’re here for this week’s creeper. So without much more pomp, let me type with the 4 remaining fingers that work why Justin Smoak is a good pickup for week 16 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, let me just say I am hanging my head in shame about my Danny Valencia call last week. Not only did he only see 3 at-bats up to Saturday morning, he was DFA’ed by Wednesday. Painful, and I’m not just talking about the shot to my pride. Grey’s paddle is pretty formidable and has ‘O.B. Badass’ written on one side of it. I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing till they got a hold of me…but I have to let the past lie in the past and move on. Or do I? Maybe instead this week I should go Back To The Future on y’all and revisit a man who used to be a great weekly ride but has shown his age a bit this year and see what’s left in the tank. So join me as we see why Luke Scott should be a nice pick-up for week 15 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello one, hello all it is your gracious and well manscaped travel agent, Sky. I promise I’ll do my best to accommodate all your traveling needs and not relive my past years glory while I do it. Truthfully, I don’t have two tickets to paradise for you this week. Heck, I don’t even have a 7 day vacation package ready for you like you asked for. We didn’t ask for anything. Who are you and why are you talking to me? I already told you I was Sky, silly, and I’ve been writing over on the Razzball Fantasy Football side for ages. And by ‘ages’ I mean since last year but in the internet world that’s practically like running a family car wash for 50 years. Grey asked me to come over here and give the worst advice possible a while back so he looks better but I decided y’all are too good for that and have suggested guys like Eric Chavez, Brandon Moss and Adam Lind to you in the past. But this week was stickier than those little buns you like…um, I’m talking about sticky buns guys…where were YOU going with that? But enough about how you sticky your buns, I’m here to talk about Danny Valencia and more importantly why he’s a good get for week 14 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
The way you hit it. I can’t believe it. I ain’t never seen an Astro like dat…the way you swing it, you make my fantasy team go…DUH DOING DOING DOING! I had to look up the lyrics to that song so I could figure out how to spell ‘DOING’, by the way, and it still feels wrong. What are you doing? Doing’ing? Must be like Polish and polish. Did you read those two right? You read the last one like what you do to all of your fantasy baseball trophies and the first one is the one you hear in all your grandpa’s racist ‘screw in a lightbulb’ jokes. It’s all in the capital letter to pronounce it differently. Maybe all caps makes doing refer to pitching a tent. This is a fantasy baseball blog, why are you talking about camping?!? It’s summer, you should go camping at least once readers, really. Enjoy the sunshine while you can. Don’t live in a cave writing about fantasy sports all day like we do. Hrm, I don’t know how to transition back to the point of this conversation now so I’ll just awkward segue to it. Matt Dominguez is home for five games and I want him on my team for that amount of time. Wanna know why? Well read in the next paragraph as I explain it for week 13 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Do you hear that? Grrrrrrrr. Is that a bear? Grumble, grumble. Is that Grey complaining about how he traded away Manny Machado for David Price while picking up every rookie pitcher known to man? The sound you make while pronouncing Prince’s weird symbol name. Ah, I know what that is. That’s my gut. Not only does it tell me when I’m hungry, it speaks fluent crazy musician. True fact: it once explained G’n’R’s Estranged video to me. It’s quite simple really: Axl Rose is a nuttier than a bukkake video. Hrm, maybe I didn’t need my gut to tell me that…anywho, my gut is now trying to tell me something about fantasy baseball for this week and it’s telling me this Oakland guy named Brandon Moss will be a good play this week and is only 31% owned in ESPN leagues and 21% in Yahoo. Ok, it didn’t tell me the last part, my eyes did cuz I looked him up. But I can tell you’re not convinced so let’s see why Moss should be a good play for week 12 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Look, I know we’re not friends. At least not true friends, we’re internet friends. You barely know me, I barely know you. We occasionally share drink recipes and quips about reality television. But you come here every week, you read the content on this site which means you do know something about me: my fantasy baseball abilities. I heard you snickering! But for cereal, it feels like you’re not listening to me. I know you’re not doing it on purpose. You wouldn’t flat out ignore me, would you? We’re not married so I don’t see why you would so I’m trying to figure out why Adam Lind is only 35% owned, with 27% of that ownership happening in the last week. I mean, I mentioned him quite clearly on this Razzball Podcast. You probably snickered then too. Admittedly, I didn’t think the kid was gonna stay this hot for this long. It’s getting to the point of ridiculousness on a grand scale but I am not gonna stop talking about him until he’s at least 50% owned. I’m serious, take this as a threat or he’s the Creeper of the Week for week 12 as well! But enough with idle threats – or are they? – I’m here to talk about why he’s a creeper for this week of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Some weeks, it’s just good to trust a buy call by our Fantasy Baseball Lord & Savior, Grey Albright. BTW, do me a favor. Google Grey Albright…do you get Snafu Larry as your second image? That’s just not right…and now that I look at all those images I have to ask myself ‘Is Grey even real’? I mean, we congregate on this site daily looking to him for the mustachio’ed word from upon high but is this some form of mass hysteria where the disease is fantasy sports addiction and we’ve conjured up this being to serve the purpose of telling us that which we already know in our hearts? What if the internet isn’t even real but simply the manifestation of our collective thoughts as we dream in Matrix-like incubation eggs before we’re harvested? What if none of this is real?!? Woah hey and sorry there…the mushrooms finally wore off…well minus the tracers. Either way, I’m real, you’re real and we’re spectacular and so was Grey’s BUY call on Leonys Martin last week. I can tell you’re not sure of this call. I feel you wavering about this waiver call and it’s understandable. Who wants a guy who hits at the bottom of the batting order? Well I do and you should too for week nine of the 2013 fantasy baseball season but we must read on to find out why.Please, blog, may I have some more?