I know what some of you are thinking. I can’t believe it’s not butter. And you people…you’re absolutely right. It’s part plastic and melted horse hooves combined with yellow dye #88 which causes diarrhea, loss of sight and limb loss in some consumers. It’s in the fine print, yo! But then there are others of you. Those ones are thinking something else. What is this ‘daily fantasy’ business? Fantasy baseball is already ‘daily’. How is this any different? You’re astute, people who speak in italics. It’s true, in many ways Daily Fantasy is nothing new with respect to the game you’re used to playing, per se. Just like Coors tries to trick you into thinking they have more than one crappy product by selling you the same swill in different cans and bottles – oooh, it turns blue when it’s cold? It’ll still taste like deer piss, people – daily fantasy isn’t that huge of a step away from the game you know, love and play. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. For now, I’m simply happy to announce we’re teaming back up with Draftkings this year for 2014 Fantasy Baseball for your daily fantasy pleasure. That link you just saw? That’s a portal to all the fun and it helps us out because its our referral. We’re not begging you to use it but if you plan on playing this year and this is the first time you’ve ever signed up, why not play and help a brotha out, ya know? Two birds, one stone, which is kind of a morbid analogy when you think about it so lets not. Bee Tee Dubs, this post is gonna cover some important news later on that we’re excited about so don’t y’all leave before the buzzer sounds. In other words, hold onto your potatoes Docta Jones cuz we’re gonna tell you all that we can about Draftkings and what it means for Razzball for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Is it just me or does the pitcher we’re talking about need to work in showbiz? Particularly as some sort of game show host and even more particularly, the Love Connection. Yeah, lets bring that back, put a 2010s spin on it where all the first dates are just two people standing next to each other at a dance club, smiling at their phones as they’re sending private snapchats back and forth. That’s riveting television people! And later on, JFOH sexted me that he wanted his P in my V, F me in the A and then J off on my T’s and I totes said yes! Magical…true modern love in the making there. He even wrote a song about it. Just an FYI, ICYMI that vid is probably NSFW given context…m’kay. But of course you didn’t come here to find out about JFOH’s creative, more gentle musical side, you came to talk about the man, the myth, the emoticon: Drew Smyly. Yeah, I called him emoticon. I think we should call him that together. It’s better than calling him the Smyly Faced Killer. That’s just morbid. In the end, there’s a lot to like about Drew for the 2014 season and I have a few good reasons why…oh, you wanna know what they are I see. Well then follow me on a magical journey to a distant land by clicking on the title of this post if you’re on the homepage and just seeing this paragraph and see why Smyly is a good get in deep leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings plebeians and plebeianettes. You may remember a little about this series from the former me: Oregon Nut Cups. Or you probably don’t because it’s been like 2 years since it happened and I’m changing the format to target one player rather than rambling about everyone based on their position. But of course, you don’t care about taking a trip down memory lane with me nor down mammory lane as we talk about great scenes from adult entertainment history. Asia Carrera, my heart and crusty socks go to you…nay, you’re here to snuggle up to some bargain players in your draft this year. As we all know – and if you don’t, now you do – I’m talking to you deep leaguers. Whether it’s a 14 teamer or a large starting roster, you gotta find bargains where you can and of all positions this is tantamount, catcher is probably the biggest in my book. It’s one where the haves and the have nots line isn’t as big as people want to draw it up to be and where you can get away with ignoring a bunch of players once the top few fly off the board…which is just how I like it. Keep in mind, I’m the artist formerly known as ONC that brought you Wilin Rosario with my Wilin Rosario Sleeper post back in 2012. Way back then, you could get a gallon of gas for about 25 cents, your shoes shined for a nickel and Rosario went undrafted. My how times have changed…So here I’m going to bring to you the man that has pretty much been declared the starting catcher for the Indians for this year – Yan Gomes – and why he’s a nice snag in deeper leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Little known facts about Sky. Not only does he do some Deep League thinking, he plays in a keeper league. A deep keeper league, if you will. And for those new to the Razzball world, he also writes on the Fantasy Football side. But if you’re new to the site, everything is news to you. In fact, I think I could lie my arse off. Maybe we should play one lie, two truths as a way to get to know each other? But then again, why would we want to do that? Let’s just stay friends…well maybe distant friends…better yet, let’s not be friends. I’ll go with casual internet acquaintances. I have problems with commitment…but of course when it comes to keepers, my Sterling Archer-like mommy issues go out the window and I fall head over heels for guys that I want to hold and snuggle tight to my bosom. Wanna know another truth? I drafted Matt Harvey in my keeper league last year in the 8th round and was downright ecstatic. Then he pitched like he did and I was straight up twitterpated over the man. But then September hit, his arm basically fell off, and my heart felt like it had been ripped through my backside via roto-rooter. All this to say, I’m not keeping him and chances are many players in keeper leagues will do the same as me and throw him back into the draft day pool. But that doesn’t mean he won’t be mine again. Oh yes, he will be mine again. So here’s why I’m targeting Harvey the wonder pitcher in keeper leagues for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…Please, blog, may I have some more?
When I told Grey and JayWrong that I was going to do a deep league sleeper post on Dustin Ackley, the first thing they said was ‘Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!’. It’s true, Dustin is a bit of a sloppy seconds here on the site for me as Jay already waxed both poetically and his taint when he wrote his own Dustin Ackley Sleeper post back in 2013. And what did we learn from this post? Well, one don’t get overly excited about Ackley and two, don’t wax your taint. It’s painful and no one goes down there enough to care what it looks like. Yeah, make all the excuses you want. You’re reading a fantasy baseball site, you ain’t getting busy any time soon, nerd. But where was I? Yeah, Ackley…ooph, this is gonna be a hard sell. It’s not a sexy call but then again, we’re talking about getting to Second Base. Trust me when I say, there’s very little heavy-petting available there in 2014. To put it kindly, 2B is a rancid cesspool of disease-riddled zombie maggot death. In fact, if the question is 2B or not 2B, I’ll take the latter. But to put this 2B angle of my fantasy dangle in perspective, we’re gonna need a new paragraph. So let’s find out why I think Ackley is a good get at second base for deep leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
[Pssst! Keep it down but this isn't even an editor's note. I'm interrupting myself. Or at least one of myselves. Wanna play Fantasy Baseball with all these goons you see in the comments? Well Go be a Commissioner. We can't promise your safety but we can promise you'll have fun. We all know dangerous = fun. That's why all the bad boys get the hot chicks. So go commish, you wild animal you.]
Sing it with me! Villar, Villar…the speed of the Astros! Ok, maybe we shouldn’t call it singing. More like gravel-throated barfing on the mic. Thank your deity of choice for delay, compression and a poop-ton of reverb or you’d never get to hear the inner-workings of great minds like Fred Durst who has done it all for the nookie and put cookies in places we never would’ve imagined. Speaking of putting cookies in places that would surprise you…uh…Jonathan Villar is a cookie. Yeah, that’s it! A chocolate chip, macadamia nut infused, tasty morsel that is tucked away because he plays on an Astros team that has more nicknames about how bad it is – AAAstros, LAstros, ‘You can’t say Astros without saying ass’ Astros, etc – than it does different jersey types. And yes, before we move on, I do look familiar. Or maybe unfamiliar depending on who you are. I’m one of those guys on the Fantasy Football side of the Razzball universe. That little link takes you to a world where you get to see my grainy face more than maybe you’d ever want to but it’s there either way, gratis. Heck everything on this site is free, of course…except the awkward hugs that last too long. Wordpress, how many words am I at? Over 200 you say? Right, then lets get on with it. Here’s why I like Villar in deep league settings for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
I told ya I’d take it deep! Wait, that doesn’t sound right…strike that, reverse it, scramble to the sidelines, get dropped before you’re out of bounds and call a time out. Yeah, yeah I mixed sports metaphors but what do you expect from the guy who also works over on the Fantasy Football side of Razzball? As my wise friend Tehol once said, just as a leopard can’t change it’s spots, a guy in a leopard thong can’t change his ways just because he’s on the fantasy baseball side of the world. So pardon me while I limber up for some lumber talk and take a little peek at a guy who was a surprise call up after Giancarlo went down last year and who did very little with his time before being sent down and finishing the year with season-ending thumb surgery…hrm, coulda sold that better, methinks. Let’s have a do-over, shall we? Here’s my excitement in doge format. Marcell Ozuna! Much excite! Many power! Such amazing! There, much better. I should work for Apple. But now that we’ve underlined and highlighted what we came to talk about, I guess we should get to it. So here’s why you should target Ozuna in your deeper leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
[Ed. Note- Our RCL's are under way! Go be a Commissioner, because there are really no other opportunities in life to have the title of Commissioner. Well, unless you are really into wildlife. In that case though, you can have two Commissioner titles, which is totally what you should be going for.]
Not gonna lie, I never thought I’d be writing a Fantasy Baseball article at 3 am. But when your boss calls you in for some OT late on a Sunday night and you’re thinking ‘nice, a little wink, wink, nudge, nudge and I move up the corporate ladder’ and they wonder why you’ve come to work in stilettos, lipstick and a ‘Spank me I’ve been bad’ pink t-shirt, you find yourself lying awake in the wee hours wondering if you’ll have a job in the morning. Of course, when talking about deep leagues, it’s almost like being an after-midnight infomercial. I mean, when you’re in the late hours of your draft, sometimes you get the Snuggie and sometimes you get the Tiddy Bear. It’s the nature of the beast. But with all that said, BILLY MAYS HERE AND I’D LIKE TO SHOUT AT YOU FOR A WHILE ABOUT AN UNDERRATED PITCHER! In all truthiness, I don’t know of a deep league that has pitching problems. Pitchers are just too abundant to ever say deep league rules apply but that doesn’t mean you can’t bargain hunt late and spend more time on your hitting earlier because of it. So let me introduce to you a pitcher who’s very much under the radar for 2014. Mr. Tyson Ross, c’mon down and see why you’re a contestant for sleeper for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Marco! Polo! No, no, no, let’s start this over. Marco! New Zealand? C’mon, readership, you’re better than that. It’s in the title! Deep League Thoughts? Now you’re just eff’ing with me. I’m gonna remember this. I don’t even know why I let you italicize in my opening paragraph. If you were on twitter, I’d unfollow you at this point. We’re here to talk about Marco ESTRADA!!!! I hate you all…yes, we’re here to talk about Marco Estrada. You may say to yourself, ‘didn’t we already do this last year with unsuccessful results?’ It’s true, Grey brought us a Marco Estrada Sleeper post last season. If you wanna know where most of this post is going, that’s probably a great place to start. Not much has changed about Marco going into this season except for perception as he wasn’t only a Razzball darling in 2013. Don’t believe me? Here’s the google proof! All this to say, he came into 2013 with a full head of steam as someone who was going to outperform his draft day price. Which of course, changed his draft day price to what it really should’ve been on draft day. Funny how that works. All of this to say, Estrada went from sleeper pitcher to an urban dictionary curse word for failed sleepers. I think Grey wrote that one even…but nevertheless, stop living in the past! We’re here to look into the almost immediate future. So let me grab my crystal balls and tell you why Estrada is a great get for deep leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alright, everyone. It’s time to whip out your blue Metallica shirt or your black AC/DC one. We’re about to rock out. Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh…hrm, intonation is so important with these kinds of things and since you can’t write ‘DUH-DUH-DUH’ as a musical note, I guess I’m just gonna have to give you the source material. Ok, now you ready? What? You don’t get what we’re doing? Good God, where is your guy’s culture! We’re doing some Air Guitar, Beavis And Butthead style. Ok, now are we ready? What, now you can’t get the timing down? You need a metronome? That’s not really gonna help, you gotta feel the rhythm! I swear this is the worst internet fantasy baseball music class I’ve taught in my life… but while we’re on the topic of odd time signatures, I think now is a good time to segue into our topic du jour: Cream of Scott Kazmir. What, where are you going! Oh, my soup pun looks kinda bad in hindsight. I should’ve called it Kazmir Bisque, I guess. Just be thankful I didn’t call it Cock-a-leekie. But nevermind all that, we’re here to talk about your deep league and how to fill your crockpot with the most savoriest of pitcher from the cheapest part of your draft stock… I don’t know where that metaphor is going, it honestly got away from me. So lets abruptly move on, shall we? Here’s why I think Kazmir will be the Ricky Martin in your Menudo for deep leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?