Oh man, we’re back baby!  I just wet my pants a little bit.

The first Pitcher Profile is here!  I haven’t been this nervous since Grey had me wax his mustache my first day as an intern.

So if you’re new to Pitcher Profiles, where ya been?!  Well glad to have you, and below is a gargantuan post that I think will break your browser.  But hey!  It’s your one-stop shop (cliche boner) for all pitching questions, rankings, and GIFfing.  I just learned how to GIF, and man, it’s sorta close to learning how to Dougie except less people point and laugh at you (hopefully – but that’d be a bad GIF!).

As always, I tend to select my profiling on a pitcher who is widely available in most 10 and 12ers for owners to gauge their pickup or streaming interest.  I know these was a hope for a Taylor Jordan (sorry Long Beach!) profile, but I wanted to go for a guy who I think can have a bigger impact.  A guy that “Oh my god throws a fire!  Sale.”

We’ve all heard about Nathan Eovaldi‘s stuff.  Huge velocity – the fastest heater in baseball for a starter – but it’s been a while since I’ve really broken down one of his starts.  Plus his name sounds like an Italian deity of fornication.  Now with two solid, you could even say “quality”, starts under his belt (plus he’s still only 24 even though it feels like he’s been around for a while) I decided to tune into his game against the lowly Padres and see if the hurler from Crayola Canyon deserves more love:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Pitcher Profiles are almost back baby!  Oh man, I haven’t been this excited for pitchers to return ever since all the crap I got for saying Ryan Dempster was a sleeper last year.  Of course, no one remembers Matt Harvey was my #1 sleeper (audio proof!), and then Grey even forgets which old bad pitcher I lumped in my sleepers saying it was Josh Beckett!  Ugh.  Being such a bully around the office.  Punk me for the rest of those picks!  Yikes.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Razzball Nation!  As promised, we have a huge DraftKings contest this week – by far our biggest prize pool – with DraftKings throwing us a RAZZBALL END OF YEAR SHOWDOWN which you can only get into through this link.  I won’t beat around the bush – it’s $10 per entry this week – 50 total spots open with up to 2 per user – with a pay structure of #1 nabbing $300, 2nd place $100, 3rd $50, 4th $30 and 5-6 will break even with $10.  With that money you can pop a lotta tags!  Using my abacus, you can count up the prize pool makes no money for DraftKings, just one huge bash for Razzball Nation to duke it out one final time for a huge cash prize.  A lot of the Razzball family will be in there, so you’ll have to bring your A game to beat us (and well, your D game to beat Rudy).

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I remember as a kid trying to watch Kelly’s Heroes with my dad, and not understanding any of it.  I mean, it didn’t have a Wookie.  Reading over that Wikipedia synopsis, sounds a lot like Three Kings that came out almost 3 decades later.  Nothing original in Hollywood anymore!

But to baseball, Joe Kelly has some heroes of his own.  First there’s the Cardinals developmental system that seems to churn out pitching prospects that can throw upper 90’s faster than Hollywood sequel greenlights.  Then there’s the Cardinals offense that leads the NL in runs scored by 53.  Using his rag-tag unit of pitching coaches, arguably the best catcher in the game Yadier Molina, and an offense ready to give him a lead every game out, can Joe Kelly help you steal the gold in a fantasy title?  I tuned into his start yesterday in Pittsburgh to break down how he looks and if he can be a wildcard contributor to your final fantasy push:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Razzball Nation!  The $100,000 Sweet Spot has come and gone (how’d you do Razzball Contest winners?) and we’ve got only one RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE contest for baseball left this season.  It won’t be this week, but the following week in our normal Friday slot.  I’m not going to give it all away, but the grand prize will be something really, really huge – like Jon Rauch huge – and give you a ticket into one of DraftKings’ Week 1 Kickoff Bash Events for the NFL season, where over $1,000,000 is given away in prizes.  It’s the biggest Week 1 event in daily fantasy, so stay tuned to the Podcast and my Wednesday article next week for the big announcement.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In true Halloween spirit, we have a special haunted edition of the Pitcher Profile.  Ok, so it’s not even September yet, but hey, we live in a world of mass consumerism and the Halloween specials and themed sections of department stores are already up.  Don’t believe me?  Ask the um, French Maid, you um… you saw leaving my room last night – it was just someone breaking in the costume!  I’m kidding, I’m not Jude Law.

So about a month ago, I was all set to do a Scott Kazmir Pitcher Profile then his arm died.  Kinda like Jared Leto’s arm in Requiem For A Dream.  After a strong stretch through mid-June to late-July, Kaz gave up 4 to the White Sox, blanked the Marlins (but a slow-pitch softball pitcher could do that), then got rocked vs. the Angels and his arm was murdered.  Murder, I Wrote!  But through the modern world of medicine, he got a Will Smith I, Robot replacement, then struggled with his stuff with the zombie arm in his first game back, giving up a 5 spot and 12 baserunners at Oakland.  So expectations were pretty low heading into his start yesterday against the Twins, but after seeing the stat line and his return to form, I decided to break down his start and see if that velocity is back where it was a few months ago:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s here!

The $100,000 Sweet Spot is up this Friday (fact!) and we’re ready to have a Razzballer take da paper!  If you’ve won one of our past 5 Play With Rudy contests, looking at you CramIt and Margaret (sorry I left out other winners, I got depressed and drank my sorrows away with a Crown & Coke in the other contests [and enough with the wasting delicious Crown with Coke – it’s damn tasty OK!]), then you’re looking at a $20,000 pay day if you can top the field this week.  I think I just set a record of the most hyperlinks I’ve ever put in a paragraph…

Anywho, with the Sweet Spot taking the spotlight front and center, we’ve got no Razzball exclusive contest this week… But you can still play all sorts of satellites to get your Sweet Spot ticket, and I’ll tweet out and shoot up a comment Friday morning with the Daily Dollar I’ll be playing in on Friday Night (I’m broke as a joke!) to keep the Friday DraftKings spirit alive for those of us just plain not good enough to win that Sweet Spot ticket…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You know, picking your fantasy baseball pitchers is surprisingly a lot like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  At the beginning, you want the old reliable guys – you know – the ones that can barely walk.  Looking at you R.A. Dickey.  You’ve got all this potential for an Oscar-winner/fantasy title.  But as the movie and baseball season progresses, you want younger and younger guys with the upside of their ML debuts and big K potential against hitters who have never seen them before.  Then after a longgggg middle half (and the dog days of summer in the baseball season), you’re in the final act and you’re ready to throw out there any 20-something-year-old just for the hell of it (just ask Kathy Griffin about that).  Or you’ve walked out of the movie because you’re just not into it.

As you well know, Pitcher Profiles usually select a pitcher from Sunday, but with overwhelming questions and requests for a profiling of Danny Salazar, I felt overwhelmed to buck the trend.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Two top ten finishes in a row!  You gotta stop letting me doubling up Razzball Nation!  Now I can leave the roadkill rest in peace and afford to make SPAM or canned sardines gravy on my big biscuits.  SPAM is pretty much good on everything, right?

We’re back with another RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE CAN YOU BEAT RUDY GAMBLE contest, getting you one step closer to the $100,000 Sweet Spot for a shot at a $20,000 top prize – which is like, two million cans of SPAM.  Tickets to the Sweet Spot are $100 otherwise, so you’re winning a huge value if you can can the Razzball players.  First time I’ve ever said “can can” without meaning the dance, which according to Wikipedia is “physically demanding.”  After years of malnutrition and roadkill dinners, I guess it’s “can’t can’t” for me…  It’s the usual game, $5.00 an entry, up to two per person, and you can only get in through our exclusive link.  Spots 2-10 double up, and get you enough money to start eating healthier…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Razzball Nation!

The Pitcher Profile corner is back after an off-week of profiling.  If you listen to the Razzball Baseball Contest, I was indeed in Oklahoma but it was the exact opposite of Nick’s rendition.  I think Nick is just mad at my Canadian bashing.  Here is how I would describe his normal weekend:

It’s icy today.  Fishing?

Pail.  Cut hole.



Please, blog, may I have some more?