There’s been much consternation going on around these parts ever since I ranked Chase Headley 34th in my Top 100 Keepers for 2013 and Beyond post that came out last week. Wait, is that the correct word? Consternation? Does constipation work better? There’s been much constipation… hmmm. Decisions. Let’s just go with both. Actually, now that I think about it, no one really cared about that ranking. However, there were some eyebrows raised at not including a second baseman, whose name rhymes with Rick Danklin. But I don’t want to talk about him anymore. I already wrote about him here. ARE YOU NOT SATISFIED? And even though I also talked about Chase Headley in the same post, I want to examine him a bit further for a few reasons. And I also want to examine both your consternation and constipation. My friends call me ‘H’. As in Preparation H. But not really. Not at all. This will never be mentioned again.

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We’ve reached it folks, the All-Star break. Though not really the halfway point of the season, it’s a good time to assess our teams and start thinking about how to make the final push for championship glory. Use this in tandem with Grey’s list of top-100 for the second half. I’m writing this assuming Grey is writing his. While Grey is quite the dependable guy, I don’t fully trust that mustache. Shhh. Wait, is it staring at me? Quick, hide! Does it see me? I think it hears us. I’m getting the ef out of here bro. You go left, I’ll go right. If I don’t ever see you again, let Grey know that Braun has a great line of shavers and trimmers, as stated here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Yo Jaywrong, I’m really happy for you…Imma let you finish your list. But Grey had one of the best lists of all time! One of the best lists of all time!” -Kayne West (Yes, because Kayne calls me late at night. BELIEVE IT BRO.)

Spoiler Alert! We’re doing things deep league style, keeper league style, dynasty style, which ever nomenclature you prefer. Basically, if you hold onto players for more than a year, these are the rankings you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Whole life man. Seriously. Remember, the process for this list is quite different. Unlike Grey, I didn’t type half of it with my mustache. (Mainly because I don’t have one at the moment. Dating! I know, don’t get me started.) Think of it this way. If a draft for a new deep/keeper/dynasty league started today, this is my idea of how it would go, or rather, how I think it would go if the league had anywhere from 12 to 20 owners that were me. That’s a whole lot of Jaywrong ladies. Hey baby, how you doin’, what’s yo name, what’s yo number? (times 12-20.) The actual process involves things like current and remaining production for 2013, projections for 2014-2016, along with future potential, position scarcity, and injury-risk. One things for sure. I believe in the Oxford comma. Wait, what?

Note: I’ve only ranked players who have pitched at least one inning or had one at-bat in their MLB career. Our prospect maven, Scott Evans, has the low down on all those MiLB guys I left out and will have his mid-season list out on Saturday. Go bother him. With hugs and kisses. I’m sure he’s a very handsome man. But I’ve never seen him, so, well, just trust me.

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If you were to tell me that you knew the type of year Chris Davis was going to have, I would have laughed at your face and then, immediately after, with a stern demeanor, called shenanigans sir. As of this writing, he has hit 33 homeruns, tying his previous career high. To put that into context, this is second week of July ladies and gentlemen. Probably more gentlemen in this case, much to my chagrin. We always knew the power was there, no question. In fact, that was the only skill we thought he possessed, and more specifically, that is the only skill that we continued to dream upon drafting him all these years, always wishing, hoping for more. You see, the story of Chris Davis was quite different, just as recent as last season, and even as far back as 2009. I’m not going to bore you with this story, because we all know it. He was a highly touted prospect in the Rangers system, with that one skill everyone loves — raw power. He didn’t quite live up to expectations, but still offered 20 homeruns with lousy rate stats. That was who he was. That was who he was going to be. So say you. So say me. So say the stat page. So say we all.

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I have no idea of how to tie in one of the most famous AHnold soundboard choices, but like last weeks selection of ANIMAL!, I really don’t need a reason. I have established this, and it feels good to make said establishment. I also have no idea what we’re are still doing here, playing in these deep leagues. Sometimes I panic that I won’t have anything to write about, and then I remember, there’s always money in the banana stand. No, wait, that doesn’t make any sense. Ah, yes. We’ll always have Humberto Quintero to talk about. The fantasy catching equivalent of seppuku. And guess what? I haven’t even typed a player blurb on Tom Gorzelanny yet, so exciting times indeed! God, shoot me now.

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This is me jumping on the Yasiel Puig bandwagon. Well, technically, I don’t jump. I float. Why? Wait, are you asking why I float or why I’m getting on the bandwagon? It’s pretty obvious why I float, so I’m going to assume you want to know why I’m on that there wagon. For the free web hits of course. There is a certain amount of Puigmania going on pretty much everywhere in the known universe, and especially on Uranus. Every time he comes up to bat, a samurai rescues seven kittens from that one ninja dude who cuts off their heads when someone masturbates. But this former Cuban outfielder represents an important case study in both his perceived value and his actual value. As always, we’ll be exploring these concepts. That is, after all, the normal Bear/Bull treatment. And based on the Puigmania, I sense that everyone is chomping at the bits about what to do with this guy, if anything. I promise the fact he’s already referred to as ManBearPuig will have no bearing on my decision. Maybe.

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I wish there was some kind of baseball pun that could tie into PANAMA!, but I think it’s good enough to stand on its own. I don’t particularly like Van Halen, and for the better part of my childhood I thought he was yelling ANIMAL!, which still may be possible. But one thing’s for sure, for those of you who experienced the 80’s, this song is stuck in the very fabric of our DNA, our very soul. There are just some things that do that. Like the Airwolf theme. It’ll always be in my life. Not just because its my ringtone, but because it has embedded itself into the core of my being. Simply put, it’s a sentimental marker that my mind uses to spark love and happiness. Just like how PANAMA! is. And waffles. Blow-jobs, and so forth. You know what doesn’t get stuck to our fabrics? The names I’m about to talk about. WHY DO I PLAY IN DEEP LEAGUES? So much pain…

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You might think I took a week off from the Deep Impact series because of the Memorial Weekend. I mean, who really wants to write when there is BBQ in the air, beer in the hand, and extra time off for everyone? You could think that. And it might be part of the reason, but frankly, I looked at the list of players I wanted to talk about, and that list started and ended with Trevor Crowe. So we could pretend that I enjoyed a vacation due to a holiday, but really, I enjoyed a vacation because I really can’t figure a way to write more than ‘fml’ in a Trevor Crowe blurb. But this week is different, since I’ve figured out a way to bloat some space with quality, not quantity. Oh, wait, scratch that. I have it backwards. Quantity over quality! Wooo!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, I hadn’t realized this, but its been a while since I’ve focused my Bear or Bull spotlight on a pitcher. Maybe it’s because some of my pitcher posts haven’t looked too zesty. And when I say zesty, I’m thinking of you, R.A. Dickey. But I’m still sticking with him, because, well, c’mon man. He does Dickeyface. At least Matt Harvey is still living up to what I said, so there is that. So, I’m going to dabble back towards baseball players who throw off the mound for a living today. Furthermore, the pitcher we’ll be taking an intimate look at will be, non-other-than, the Walrus. You may also know him as Carsten Charles. And, you may also know him as a Tomato. Well, that’s more mine than anyone else’s. Anyhow, last, but not least, you may also know him as CC Sabathia. Not only do we know him by all these various names, we also know him as a stable force in our fantasy rotations, giving us quality production year after year. But times are a changing, and now two months into the season, we are not receiving what was expected. Is this going to continue? Is all hope lost? AM I FREAKING OUT HERE? Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s get through this together.

Please, blog, may I have some more?