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Oh, hello there. I’m not quite sure why I’m greeting you like you’re in my room, but whatever. So hey. What’s up. Word. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, you should know we are now a month-and-a-half into the season, and things are looking absolutely fantastic. And by fantastic, I mean a complete injury cluster f*ck. Ain’t no joke bro. The injuries are stacking up so much, we had to dedicate an entire series to it here at Razzball. Seth has had so much content to work with, he strained his oblique just typing that thing out. Way to take one for the team! In fact, there is so much egregious DL’ing going around, Lars Ulrich is exploring a lawsuit. Haha, get it? Eh. Anyways, you know what might be an interesting experiment? Creating an all-DL team, that, if you gazed upon the look of all these guys in the pre-season (when budding feelings of hope and joy were just forming) you might faint at the sight of it. Don’t believe me? Take a look:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

And why wouldn’t I? As the District’s most profound half-Irish/half-Korean bachelor, I’m a pretty decent fish in this pretty swampy pond. Razzball Commentator J-Money knows this. How does he know this? If you missed last week’s Razzball Podcast, Nick the Podcast Radio Host announced the first 32in32in32 Tour contest. The first person to find my OkCupid dating profile would win two free tickets to the tour and get a beer from each of us. To be honest, I figured it would take longer then a span of four hours, but I didn’t realize plenty of clues were left during my long tenure here at Razz. Also, I didn’t realize you guys could do stalker so well. MORE OF YOU NEED TO BE WOMEN. That’s the lesson here. Regardless, since it is public record and has been discovered, yes, my dating profile is now available to the Razz-community. Please share it with your sisters and/or mothers. For research I guess. Speaking of research, here’s an online dating pro-tip: Stay away from profiles that have buzz-phrases like… I love to laugh. Really… who doesn’t love to laugh?  I’m a down-to-earth kind of girl. Yeah, gravity will do that to ya. I like going out with friends. No sh*t. I’m looking for a real man. Yeah, all those mannequins dressed up as Joe Manganiello must take up a lot of square footage. Oh, and last one, if they mention drama free or no drama anywhere on their profile, it means they are at the center of it. And we’re talking about a hurricane-rash on Jupiter sized level of drama. Rash’s are contagious. Remember that.

Sooooo, baseball much?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On today’s podcast, Grey went MIA and so Nick and I try to carry on with our lives by discussing all the big topics going on in baseball right now. And when I say ‘the big topics going on in baseball’, I kinda mean we sorta go over the big topics going on in baseball. And by that, I mean we sorta touch on baseball when we could fit it in. Why? Ask Nick. It took about five seconds for him to mention my dating life, and it all snowballed from there. (Just like your mom.) Sure, there were some moments of levity when talking about such things as Miggy and Prince’s slow start, Stanton’s hot start, and Rudy actually being the real-life version of Johnny Depp’s character (less mascara this time, imagine that) in Transcendence. For good measure, some porn ideas, purell, skyline chili, and Tehol are all mentioned within five minutes, begging the question of whether or not we are ready to launch Razzball Radio. I think it’s a resounding yes. Others might run away and take a shower and then, you know, call an exorcist.

Also, we stumbled into the first *real* contest for the 32in32in32 tour. And by stumbled, I mean we fell off a 10-story building. Long story short, if you are able to find my OKCupid dating profile, then you will win two tickets to the tour, at the city of your choice, and Nick and I will both buy you a beer and have you on air with us to do a critique of my profile. (Post the winning link in the comments section of this post or any Grey-post, or you can email Nick@RazzballRadio.com.) Would you date me? Would your sister date me? Is she hot? Then I would date her. I might also date you. Who knows at this point. We’re drinking. So yeah, we’ll talk about that. Or probably talk about something more relevant, like, oh, I don’t know… baseball? CRAZY, I know.

Well, here it is, the Razzball Podcast, with less Grey, more me (sounding like I’m from Tron), and Nick (sounding like he lives in a tunnel) in his closet. Buddy, that’s a powerful metaphor…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Holy shiitake mushroom Batman… is it safe to come out yet? Bobby Parnell, Jarrod Parker, Kris Medlen, Brandon Beachy, Patrick Corbin, Bruce Rondon, Jameson Taillon, Matt Moore, and now Ivan Nova have all fallen slain to some guy named Tommy John. Arrest this guy someone! Isn’t this world tragic enough without some mad man weaponizing UCL’s? Personally, I think this is all a plot by Dr. James Andrews to do what Peyton Manning did in Denver, and that’s put himself into position to control the food supply and then ultimately force us to eat all of our cats. Hunh? In fact, Dr. Andrews recently explained why there is such an uptick in UCL surgeries, but I’m pretty sure this is what was going on in his head as he was talking. Regardless, my expert advice is to just go ahead and hide all of your pitchers on the bench and stock up on canned goods. Spam is my choice. Deal.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just kidding. I actually had Tommy John surgery while typing this. Because all the kids are doing it nowadays. It’s so hip, Von Miller went to see Dr. Andrews before it was cool. So what’s the deal here with all of these injuries? Is it the lack of steroids? HGH? Greenies? Cocaine? Naw, cocaine is still present in the game. How else do you explain Matt Williams’ and Fredi Gonzalez’s line-up cards? Either they’re trolling us, or they’re making it snow in their offices. What this post presupposes is, maybe it’s both? Anyhow, let’s take a gander at what’s going on in your RCL universe. I say it’s yours, because I think I’m the only person who has 10 teams, AND 90% of them are taking on water and sinking. Water from the tears that I cry when fantasy baseball goes wrong. OR from global warming. In which case, whew, I’m not a polar bear. So there’s that, I guess.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, it sorta began last week, but there wasn’t really anything to report. We had one day of stats and a whole lot of J-FOH to deal with. Speaking of, I should point out that he did a wonderful job filling in for me last week as I traveled to the Bahamas and had a plethora of little umbrella drinks placed around my general vicinity. Haha, just kidding, I don’t drink anything with umbrellas in them. And the Bahamas are what I call my bar “area”. Which is really just a shelf with several Makers Mark bottles that have varying levels of fullness. I could have said emptiness, but I’m an optimist. And probably an alcoholic. That being said, we’re here now, together, once again, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, I might, but that involves you buying me a steak dinner. Speaking of ways into my heart, Rudy has found a way to become legend to my soul, and you’ll learn what that is after the jump. So let’s start the story of your 2014 RCL Season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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So, we’re running on fumes over here at RCL Update Central. We’ve talked about the RazzBALLiest and Razz, um, ball-ee-least?? selections. At least I think that’s what it was about. Who knows with such things. Then, naturally, we moved to what Clint Eastwood thought of your drafts. Thankfully there were no leagues named ‘Empty Chair’. And now that the season has officially started (at least down under), (that’s what she said btw…), I’m here to cap things off with something I would call comfort food for the mind. And that’s a Star Trek themed post. But that’s not all you get in this post. SAY WHAT? We have J-FOH in a supporting role to bring some Star Wars into this. Because a post like this could always use more sci-fi pew pew. And of course he would be the one to have undying love for a franchise that’s about to blugdeon us to death for at least ten more years. All so George Lucas’ chin can eat more cats.

Regardless, I’m not quite sure how this is going to work, and I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen, but if the picture above and the empty Markers Mark bottle to my left is any indication, it’s that I need fried food immediately. Also, you should probably set your phasers onto the highest stun setting. Because when we look at my randomly selected RCL drafts, you will get stunned. See what I did there? No, I’m seriously asking if you can see what I typed… everything is so freaking blurry…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s official because we don’t deal in unofficial. Whatever that means. Which is nothing, if you’re wondering. But it does make the post feel more important. Delusions of grandeur? That’s my life story bro. And that also might describe the life story of many here who reside at Razzball HQ. Which is basically our basement. With bountiful supplies of Hot Pockets and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Oh, wait, nevermind. Sky called, he want’s his everything back. Jokes on you buddy. I’m keeping the Hot Pockets. So, where were we? Oh, that’s right, delusions of grandeur… and Hot Pockets, it happens to the best of us. And that’s why we make these picks. Because we think we’re right all the time. Except for me. I’m just very wrong. But don’t let that stop you from looking at our well-thought out (maybe) picks for this upcoming 2014 season. (Now with more Grey and Rudy!) We all can’t write a 1500 word exposé on these players, so you get this nifty assortment where you’ll gain a general sense of which players we like and which we don’t. All in a simple box for you to stare and giggle at. Kind of like what you normally would do if you were looking at Tehol.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly. AKA, yo momma. ICE BURN.

Hey, really quick, did you hear the news? Or, I guess in this case, read the news? Razzball has a radio now! AND we’re going on tour this August. That’s right, Nick the Podcast Host and I will be traveling to every NFL city to have a beer with you! Click here for the details.

So here we are, another week gone by, another wave of drafts. And for this set, we’ll be playing a game. And that game is taking a look at your leagues and deciding which picks were good, which were bad, and which were ugly. Don’t take it personally though, as I’m sure you could find my team’s and pick apart my decision making process. Really, there is no perfect draft. ONLY PERFECT BOOBS. Just kidding. They’re all perfect. Honestly, this post is really just a vehicle to mention Clint Eastwood. The spaghetti western version. Not that having a stroke at the Republican convention version. So let’s take a look at some leagues that drafted this past week, in no particular order, and pick them apart. And don’t worry, I’m plenty hard on myself. That’s what she said. Wait, what?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’ve got a crazy post ahead of us, so let’s get started. But before we do, AHHH, pit stop already? Seriously, I just want to thank all of the commissioners. You have taken my goal of 75 RCL’s and shattered it, like those bad guys in Superman II. I’d also like to thank everyone who joined a league, because without you, there would be no us. And you plus me equals us. Because, wait for it… wait for it… I know my calculus. ALL THE POINTS. I want you to know that it really is important to me. There’s no money, no fame, no female boobs in it for us. Only a sense of community, and, well, that’s why we do this. So seriously, I love you. Let’s date. (Oh, and if you still want to join a RCL, there are still spots open! Just scroll to the bottom to get in on some RCL fun.)

So yeah, we didn’t just have the writer’s draft. We had a bunch of drafts. So let’s go over some of those in random ways before we go over whatever you want to call what us writer’s did. I’d call it sexual chocolate, but you might call it flailing loins. Something like that. Okay, whew, pit stop over. Now we can get started…

Please, blog, may I have some more?