Joining Paul Hollywood at The Great Britton’s Brach Off is Orioles’ manager, Buck Showalter. Showalter said, “Craig Gentry (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit a home run with his leadoff Battenberg cake even if it is missing the mark on OBP, but I love its moistness, and I apologize for using the word moist.” Trey Mancini (3-for-5, 4 RBIs, and his 3rd and 4th homers) was crowned this week’s Star Baker, beating out Mark Trumbo (2-for-5, 1 run), who was in the cleanup spot, saying, “Why do these people have to use so many pots and pans?” The Great Britton’s Brach Off didn’t end without losing one baketestant. Zach Britton over-whisked his meringue and left with a forearm strain. The Brits are calling it, Zaxit. So, Britton will be out for at least ten days with Brad Brach filling in, behind Brach will be Darren O’Day, who sounds too IRA to me, then behind him will be Mychal Givens, who is Mike Tyson and Robin Givens’ child. Buck Showalter said he hopes Britton will be ready in ten days, but forearm strains don’t work that way, so you should grab Brach, at least. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
One-time Mariner Tom Paciorek was the face of the organization for the better part of the last 40 years. Ken Griffey Jr. once said of Paciorek, “For many years, Seattle fans came up to me and asked if I was a very tan Paciorek, because Paciorek left such an indelible mark.” Edgar Martinez once said of Tom Paciorek, “You can’t think of the Mariners without thinking of Tom Paciorek. He’s so gutsy, you’d think he got those guts from a local abattoir that provides Wilson with its top-notch tennis racquets.” Randy Johnson has said, “I got the idea for my mullet from Tom Paciorek’s back hair.” All of this flattery heaped on Paciorek, and he said, “You guys need to check out Mitch Haniger! Now amscray before I dazzle you with a bon mot.” Wow. The modesty on that Paciorek. In Triple-A last year, Haniger had 20 HRs, 8 SBs and a .341 average. His BABIP was a bit high, but he likely won’t drain your batting average below, say, .250. He already has 3 HRs and one steal, and is 26 years old, so his time is now. Plus, the Mariners are playing him, and batting him in a good place in the order. There’s little reason why you shouldn’t at least give him a shot on all fantasy teams. After all, he has the Tom Paciorek Seal of Approval (ToPa SeaApp, trademark pending). Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, hooligans and hooligals! I did my best to ward off Rudy from recommending the title, “I’m Keano For Severino.” Or his 2nd recommended title, “Poop Breath < Severino.” I think Rudy’s been drinking. So, as they say when they remove tassels from cow udders in Tennessee, “Playtime’s over, let’s get down to business!” Yesterday, Luis Severino threw 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks to lower his ERA to 4.50. Maybe not so much better than poop breath? I keed! Much better. Between the lines, where the game is played as I sound vaguely like George Will, Severino looks dominant. Fastball: 97 MPH, ground balls around 45%, xFIP at 1.95. Okay, I just put tassels on my udders, because those numbers are gorgeous. There’s not much fun to be had in his division and park, but his stuff should play anywhere. I’d absolutely look to add him in all leagues; he’s dramatically better than poop breath! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Halleberryloujah! *does sign of the Marlins, kneels* Blessed be thy lord of a Technicolor unicorn statue who graced his tight baseball pants around Giancarlo’s lower half. I won’t take too much of your time, I know you are prolly busy. Should I say probably when I’m addressing you? You know, I’m gonna move on rather than wait for an answer. I want to thank you for bringing Giancarlo Stanton into the 2017 season. I saw him in a game last week back off a changeup like he was still scared after taking the beanball off the melon. Was he scared? If he was, I wouldn’t have blamed him. I get scared too. Like when my wife says, “Hey, Grey I made plans for us to go out with my friend and her husband.” That scares me too. But now that he hit two homers, going 2-for-3 with 4 RBIs, I’m relieved. It was early, he was just getting into the swing things. Pun! What? You don’t like puns? Again, I’m fine not waiting for an answer. Okay, now I’m going to cut this short because a sprinkler is going off into my face and I’m kneeling on my neighbor’s lawn. Thank you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The City of Brotherly Love opened up its sweaty arms, where the hair is growing weirdly on the backside of the biceps, and said, “Come here, and get some of these meatballs that Clay Buchholz is throwing.” Yoenis Cespedes hit his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homers (4-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs). In Philly, they say he hit three wiz wits and a Tastykake; Neil Walker (2-for-5, 1 run) had a Tastykake and a dollop of light cream cheese; Asdrubal Cabrera (4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer) had a wiz wit, a Tastykake and three dollops of light cream cheese; Lucas Duda (4-for-6 and his 2nd and 3rd homers) had two wiz wits, a Tastykake and a dollop of the good stuff that is like curdled mother’s milk. Yoenis started off slow, which is a ludicrous thing to say, he has four homers in eight games. He’s on pace for 80 homers. I mean, you really need to take a lesson from Uncle LL, and chillllllllll. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If I didn’t wear cowboy boots to the community pool. If I didn’t ooze machismo like I’m Fonzie and John Wayne’s baby which they had during the intermission of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. If I weren’t such a gee-dee man’s man — exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark — I’d el oh el right now like a 13-year-old girl. Perfect through six and two-thirds (final line: 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners (0 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.97) from a guy that has caused more ulcers than your wife’s best friend’s bright idea to videotape your wife’s bachelorette party. She cheated on you, doode, and he was hung like Carlos Lee. Michael Pineda, why do you cause such ulcers, I ask like I’m at Ellis Island in 1931. I also have the scurvy, as I continue for no apparent reason. Okay, seriously, I don’t know what to make of Michael Pineda. He has the stuff, as George Carlin once said, to be a 2.50 ERA pitcher with 220 Ks. He could also have a 5.50 ERA and be sent down by July. If someone tells you they know which one he’ll be, they’re lying. Would I own him? Sure. Would I always enjoy it? C’mon, man, pay attention! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I wonder if Freddie Freeman has Fletch-like dreams where he pictures himself with a huge afro and his name is Freddie World B. Freeman. “He’s actually 6-5, with the afro, 6-9. Pretty good hands, loves to hit ones deep. His club is behind by three, and World B. Freeman drains a three-run homer! Wow, was that some kind of hit. You know this kid from the gritty streets of Orange County, California sure can play.” By the way, gritty in Orange County refers to a Sonic Drive-In that has a B grade from the Health Department. So, yesterday, Freeman put up those stats that I told you to pay a 2nd round price for — 4-for-5, 3 runs, and a double slam (1, 2) and legs (1), hitting .346 on the year. I was truly perplexed how low I saw some people ranking Freeman in the preseason. If anything, I think a stronger case could’ve been made to have Freeman ranked above Miggy, who was a consensus top 12 pick everywhere. Guess Freeman could use the name Mr. Under-ranked when he sneaks into country clubs to visit Dansby Swanson (1-for-5, 1st homer, hitting .179). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Moogly-boogly! It’s been a long winter. The Buy/Sell Column’s back, helping you know when the hell you’re supposed to stop working early on Friday. During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Skidmark, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from Moonlight with puppets in the BBQ Belt of Alabama because I’M HARDCORE! You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that simulates puppets having hand-sex on a beach to a very anti-puppet sex audience!? Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter! Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Tyler Saladino. Last year, Saladino had eight homers and 11 steals in only 298 ABs while hitting .282. One year in the minors, he stole 38 bases, and, one year in the minors, he hit 16 homers. Put that together, and you have Francisco Lindor! Okay, kidding, but he’s hitting leadoff, is eligible at 2B and SS, and can get a few homers while also stealing some bases. And I’m not excited about him simply because I named one of my puppets in Alabama, Tosser Saladino. My love for Saladino did not start when I heard he had a brother named Cucumber Saladino. Wrong, I don’t love Saladino simply because I’m in LA and I picture him topped with wheatgrass. Eff your wheatgrass, Los Angeles! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yaisel Puig‘s home runs are so effortless they’re like Billie Jean King and Billy Dee Williams only needing to say, “40-love?” to hook up with a girl in the 70s.
Somewhere, Ashton Kutcher is struggling to come off as smart. He is exerting more energy than Yasiel Puig on his home runs. When Yasiel Puig is in El Zono Loco, pitchers should be chicken. When Puig is locked in, he looks as good as all the Cuban graphic novels that were written about him in Fidelphia. Of course, just as quickly as Puig gets everyone’s hopes up, he collapses under his own hype. He’s a (ba)con artist? I’d absolutely own Puig right now that he has three homers in two games (2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (3) and legs (1) yesterday), but I wouldn’t be surprised if by May he’s back to disappointing. (By the way, the pitch speed on that homer is 78 MPH. HAHAHAHAHAHA– Oh my God, I can’t breathe! Member that old timey film of Bob Feller throwing faster than a speeding motorcycle? They should have Weaver go against a speed-walking senior citizen.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Somewhere, Melissa Leo is acting out today’s title and it’s so spot on you’re not sure if you should applaud, or put your wallet in the front pocket. “I came straight from the packie because I heard you were having a sale on shamrock undergarments. Are you having a shamrock undergarment sale or not?” That’s Melissa Leo acting out the title. Okay, okay, okay, guys and six girl readers and one girl writer. (She debuted yesterday; is there a female verb for that? She debutante’d yesterday? She debbie’d yesterday? She damsel’d yesterday? I’m asking, don’t roll your eyes at me like I’m a moron; I’ve had enough of that!) Chris Sale looked great yesterday (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks), but you knew he was going to look great. You didn’t draft him in the first three rounds for him to look like hot garbage under Pablo Sandoval’s ass. Or, rather, you didn’t not draft him in the first three rounds because I told you not to. But you know who looked as good in Fenway? Jameson Taillon (7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks). He doesn’t miss a huge number of bats — will average around 7.7 K/9 — but his control is masterful. He will have around a 1.7 BB/9, if not lower. When a guy has a difference of six between his K/9 and BB/9 great things can happen, and Taillon will be no different. I’m not sure if he’ll get all the way to 190+ IP this year, but he had a 3.38 ERA last year, and I’m ready for around the same this year, if not better. Like Melissa Leo would say, “This guy is fahkin spacktackulure.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?