We have almost a week of baseball in the books and Yu Darvish‘s Marvishlous 14 K 1-hitter and Chris Davis‘ power surge have been early standouts. Don’t own either? That’s a shame. Feel like quitting? Not yet, Razzball Nation, I am here to help. You may remember me, Dan, or my alter ego Blairtch, from such fantasy Friday roundups as Mike Trout Saved My Season, But Jewel Saved My Soul and Harper: Better, Faster, Stronger, and my popular online fantasy advice guide, Quit Losing Already, You Loser! I will be recapping Friday nights in fantasy baseball, providing plenty of references to The Cure and fantasy advice so Grey can use his weekends to take care of business, i.e. drink all those daiquiris you’ve been buying him and continue travelling across America interviewing players and managers, scouting top prospects, and attending round table discussions featuring only the most prestigious faculty, alumni and council members at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. So do not worry, I’ll be here throughout the season to cover Friday’s full slate of games for the loyal weekend warriors. There are lots of players to cover this week so let’s get right to it.

Here’s what happened Friday night in fantasy baseball [*Opening Week Edition*]:

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Despite his unfortunate name, Homer Bailey pitched the first Reds’ no-hitter since 1988 last night, completely shutting down the Pirates down-and-out offense, allowing just 2 base runners on an error and a walk and striking out a career high 10 batters.

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Only a week left and if you’re reading this you’re probably still in contention somewhere. Congratulations on making it this far!  Otherwise, move on to football already, and leave the waiver wire alone, you’re screwing up the finals! (Don’t you just hate that?) Using, mathematics (NERD!), there’s a good chance you can roughly estimate how many saves you can get in the coming week and whether or not that can win you the category.

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Poor Tyler Clippard. It seems everyone wants Drew Storen to be the closer in Washington, Clip is merely a place filler who’s done so well in Storen’s absence (3.22 ERA, 32 SVs) that they didn’t have the heart to take it from him.

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Column favorite, Aroldis Chapman, who has been struggling with arm fatigue, threw a 25-pitch bullpen session yesterday and said he felt good. Well, that’s great news–but this late in the season? There’s gotta be a catch. In baseball, there’s always a catch.

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Spare me while I talk about my team for a moment. I almost missed out on my head to head playoffs. Another team grabbed the final spot one week before the postseason was to begin. Oh no, it was that mean old Mr.

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We don’t play favorite closers here in the closer column but Aroldis Chapman is without a question my favorite closer. Just days after capturing the league lead in saves Chapman imploded last Friday night giving up 3 ER on 4 hits to the lowly Astros and blowing his first save since June 24.

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Stephen Strasburg gave up 6 hits and 5 ER versus Miami last night,  just when you needed him most. The Strasborg showed his human side and had a major malfunction in what should be his final home start, getting shelled by Giancarlo Stanton (2-for-5 with his 31st HR) and the Marlins.

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As Boston fans did for a year and a half, Dodgers fans now get to question the heart of their star first baseman, Adrian “I Don’t Run, Cuz’ I Don’t Care” Gonzalez, but it turns out it was LA’s closer, Kenley Jansen, whose heart has been the most questionable.

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Bobby Valentine opted to go with Andrew Bailey over Alfredo Aceves for the save on Friday night. Initially, I thought it was because Alfie had thrown 37 pitches the night before, but Aceves disagreed. No, this time it was personal. So personal, in fact, that Alfredo let his feelings be known that night and got into a shouting match with the Red Sox manager.

Please, blog, may I have some more?