Here’s one of the oddest schmohawks I’ve ever seen. If you ask everyone who carries a fantasy baseball ‘pert laminated diploma from the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston in their fanny pack, they will tell you Adam Wainwright is angling for a disappointment this year. I’ve seen it written more times than I count. Of course, I can only count to seven, but, as Fonzie’s horse says, naaaaaaaay, my brain is still baffled by this peculiarity that I am witnessing. This peculiarity that just makes no sense. This peculiarity that is as hard to look at as an un-Photoshopped Beyonce. Along with these DANGER AHEAD articles on Wainwright, he’s also being ranked high. As the Spanish would say, question mark, what, question mark. Come here, sit on my lap and ask, “Why, Unkie Grey, does everyone warn against Wainwright then rank him high anyway?” Figuratively! Get off my lap! My best guess why we’re in some kind of Twilight Zone episode where Wainwright has become Wainwrong yet is still being ranked high while Burgess Meredith tries to locate another pair of eyeglasses is because everyone knows Wainwright. That’s right, he’s being ranked high because everyone knows him. It’s why Verlander was still ranked high last year. If you have three million people at your site that know Wainwright, is it easier to explain to three million people why Wainwright is headed for a bad year or is it easier to just rank him high and move on? Yes, I’m saying ESPN, Yahoo, CBS and Fox (does Fox have fantasy?) are just taking the easy way out and saying Wainwright will be good even though they know he won’t. Does that surprise you? If it does, I suggest you don’t open the gag can of peanuts in Spencer’s Gifts. You’ll really have a heart attack then. So, what makes Adam Wainwright overrated for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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Hehe, I said tool. Our Fantasy Baseball War Room is one part draft tool, one part fantasy team evaluator, one part fantasy junkie’s s’s and g’s tool, one part holy, two parts smokes, three parts… How many parts is that so far? Cause it’s only really seven parts total. I think there’s one part kill-your-day-with-this-war-room-thing-a-maboob in there too. I don’t know, guys and four girls, I think it’s pretty cool and I only get excited about things once every three full moons or once every time I see the t-shirt with three moons and a wolf. For reals, it might be the best thing since sliced bread. Now sliced bread that is toasted and buttered is another story entirely. This shizz is so insane, I just had an aneurysm. Are you happy now?!

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In past years, I’ve said the following analogy. There’s years of looking up to your father, whether you agree all the time or not. Then, one day, he takes a poop on your couch. You take him to the hospital; he’s in need of some sort of psychology examination. If the tests come back conclusive that he pooped the couch simply out of laziness, then that’s ESPN. If tests come back that he’s gone crazy, then that’s Yahoo. That’s inaccurate this year. It still holds true for ESPN, but Yahoo seems like it’s taking steps to correct past mistakes. They’ve lost The Noise from the composite rankings, and he’s always said baseball wasn’t his thing. (What is his thing…well…) Funston, Behrens, Del Don and Pianowski do a conscientious job with their rankings. No, I don’t agree with all of them, I’ll get to that. But they do take the time to actually rank, which I’m 99.9% sure can’t be said of ESPN. Yahoo could easily phone-in their rankings like ESPN, but they don’t. That is, indeed, a point for them. Yahoo still seems to be in love the stolen base and guys that can be labeled as ‘hot, unproven bats.’ They don’t rank nearly deep enough and they have some of the funkiest position eligibility decisions, but these all seem to be coming from places of conscious decisions and not, “Tristan, could you rank for everyone today? I just saw Stephen A. Smith in the elevator and he asked me to Au Bon Pain for lunch. Thanks.” That’s a voicemail message that Cockcroft gets every day. Anyway, here’s where my 2015 fantasy baseball rankings differ from the 2015 Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings:

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Some guys are obvious they’re going to be overrated, other guys don’t reveal themselves until I start seeing where others are ranking them. Freddie Freeman fell into the latter category. I wasn’t expecting to see people rank him that much higher than I had him. I mean, I knew people love to love players that are good in real life. It’s the Poseyitis Syndrome again. The general population knows Freeman is a good real baseball player, so if some ‘perts rank him too low or say anything negative on him, then people get upset. As a general rule of thumb, people don’t want to upset other people. I grew up Jersey, so if you’re not upsetting someone else, you’re doing something wrong. You need thick skin to get by. Preferably thick, bronzed skin. When I saw some people ranking Freeman in the top 20 overall and even in the top 15 in some instances, my toes began to tingle and I knew there might be something schmohawky here. Of course, I hadn’t moved off the couch in three months, so I might’ve just lost circulation to my lower extremities. “Get off the couch, Fantasy Master Lothario!” That’s me yelling at myself. So, what makes Freddie Freeman overrated for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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Or as I like to call it FML SMDH. That’s so pithy it should be a widely used internet acronym. Since Al Gore invented the internet as a means of discovering far-off acronyms, Al would love FML SMDH, if he wasn’t too busy ridding CVSs everywhere of aerosol cans. “Ma’am, our planet is under attack, I need your can of Aqua Net.” That’s Al at a CVS near you. So, in the past, I’ve given you snake draft fantasy baseball strategy posts under the acronym of PEDS, but I just found out that acronym was co-opted by some unseemly business. That you let me carry on for 7 years calling it PEDS, I’m not sure I can ever forgive you. *less than a second later* Okay, I accept your apology. Fantasy baseball strategies are as old as the earth, if the earth were ten or so years old. There’s a LIMA Plan (Low Investment Mound Aces) by Ron Shandler. There was a ZIMA Plan by Matthew Berry; it involved a lot of stumbling around, groping and the hiccups. There’s been a Punt One Category draft strategy. There’s been a Punt Two Categories draft strategy, which was conceived by a leaguemate of Punt One Category who just couldn’t stand being upstaged, and there’s the Forget When Your Draft Is So Your Team Is Autodrafted strategy. I love when my leaguemates use that one. Then there’s my fantasy baseball snake draft strategy, Fantasy Master Lothario’s Strategic Method of Domination Henceforth or FML SMDH. (You might even want to use this strategy for our Razzball leagues. Join now. Thank you.)

FML SMDH has five basic steps. If you follow these steps, you will place near the top in all of your leagues. No plan is foolproof because, unfortunately, they still have to play the games, but FML SMDH puts you in the best position possible to win coming out of your draft. Actually, this plan is foolproof and you should ignore the previous sentence that said no plan is foolproof. No sentence is foolproof, that’s more accurate. Okay, onto the steps:

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Watch out, because I’m about to eviscerate someone, which Google tells me means to disembowel and I consider softening eviscerate, but decide to stick with it. That’s how mad I am! I’m ready to disembowel after deliberations! Hey, ESPN, you best get your colostomy bag ready cause you’re gonna need it. (By the by, I Googled colostomy bags for the holidays, and I couldn’t find any. I may just invent some and go on Shark Tank and wow Robert Herjavec with my pitch. “Wait, there’s more! A Passover colostomy bag because we know it doesn’t stay unleavened forever.” Don’t steal my invention ideas.) Today, I take a knife and seppuku (I’m running out of thesaurus entries for disemboweling) ESPN’s 2015 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of Jackin’ For Beats by Ice Cube. Commence knife to belly:

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So the title is a bit of a superlative. What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?” You’ll get over your scoffing, I have faith in you. This is the best 2015 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2015 fantasy baseball and top 400 for 2015 fantasy baseball. Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be almost terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is. If I took Adam Jones in the 1st round, everything after would change. If I took Anthony Rendon in the 1st round, everything after would change. For this exercise, I’m taking Mike Trout first, because, well, I have him first overall. Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks. It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted F-Her and Kershaw in the first round and I was able to take Anthony Rizzo in the 2nd round (which is likely), but since Trout and him are in my first 10 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both. Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100’s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken. People tend to look at team need over value. So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks. Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 200, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team. Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward. Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky. It should still be my ideal team… Or not. Let’s see, shall we? Bee tee dubya, this team is 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (Go sign up or start a league). Anyway, here’s the best 2015 fantasy baseball team:

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Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2015 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them though. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2015 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2015 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2015 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Go join one now. Or join two. Or three.) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2015 fantasy baseball drafts:

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You know what would be really cool? If you could join a fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 1000 other fantasy baseball teams. But not a 1000-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, the Corpus Christi Amscrayers. No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 90 other leagues of twelve. That would be cool. Oh, wait, we’ve done that. It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it! For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league! That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences). Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day. As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon. Or womon, for our four girl readers. It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues. Before you close all of your extraneous porn windows and rush to sign up, let’s explain how these fantasy baseball leagues are going to work. We’re going to have a bunch of leagues and crown a winner from each, then we’re going to crown ONE winner from all of the winners. We will be crowning the winner by taking each team’s points and multiplying it against a ‘league competitiveness factor.’ If you want to see how it worked last year, go here. So we’re going to fill up as many fantasy leagues as we can for the next seven weeks. Each fantasy baseball league will be a mixed league, 12 team, snake draft, roto, 5×5, 5 OFs, one Middle Infielder, one Corner Infielder, one Utility, 9 pitchers, 20 game eligibility, 180 Games Started max, 1000 IP minimum. Like last year, we will again be going with TWO DL SLOTS. The only things you need to change from the default settings is the 180 Games Started and the TWO DL SLOTS. Please be vigilant about having the exact same league rules and setup as everyone else. The lineup is also known as: C/1B/2B/SS/3B/CI/MI/5 OF/UTIL/9 P/3 BENCH/2 DL with 180 Games Started and 1000 IP minimum. The fantasy leagues will be played in ESPN and they will be free to join.

We’re going to start with twenty-five leagues of 12 and see how we do from there. To join a league… Sorry, again for the people in the back of the room:

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In the year of thirteen after twenty in the land bestowed to us by Disney and Guiliani called the City of York, Jay-Z removed his Brooklyn Nets leather cap, raspberried his lips and scratched his head. He buzzed his assistant’s intercom and said, “Solange,when you get a second, the spreadsheets you brought me are wrong. I want WAR.” Solange thought he wanted to war with her, and that led to the infamous encounter where she thrashed him in an elevator on the way home from an EPA fundraiser. What Jay-Z wanted to do was research Robinson Cano‘s value for his upcoming contract negotiations. Little did Hova know, but that research was unnecessary. Seattle was looking to double their city’s Dominican-American population and sign Cano. Coming off the $240 million signing, Cano could do no right last year, but was it expectations set by that contract, or was it simply he could do no right? Like a dwarf getting down cereal from a cabinet, I’m gonna go with the latter. Cano eventually hit his usual .310+, but with only fourteen homers, ten steals and yawnstipating runs and RBIs. Some of that can be blamed on the M’s. Shoot, we can blame the whole lot on the M’s if we want, they did sign him for an astronomical sum, after all. The reason why I go back to the contract is because I think that affects people’s perception of Cano. They expect Cano will be better in 2015. They don’t think a guy who is making gazillions (I’m rounding) could be bad. They, of course, would be wrong. Cano’s admirers suffer from a psychological disease I’ve touched on before. It’s called Poseyitis. Poseyitis is when a player’s real-life hype creeps its way into the discussion about a player’s fantasy value. You need to separate the two. So, why is Robinson Cano overrated for 2015 fantasy baseball?

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