Devin Mesoraco was diagnosed with a torn labrum in his shoulder after missing most of last year with a torn labrum in his hip. My Latin may be off, but I believe tearing two labrums means severe vagina pain. The last thing he’ll want to do is be squatting. Devin Mesoraco now has more torn labrums than Nadia Comaneci. This torn labrum finally gives Mesoraco an alibi to his ugly. If he were going to get a torn labrum of somewhere, I would’ve thought it was his most prominent feature, his sunken eyes. Uncle Fester called, he wants his face back! Tucker Barnhart (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .298) will take over the catcher duties for Mesoraco. Barnhart has 3-homer power, so he’s not recommended outside of leagues that are Cousteau deep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Could this finally be Brett Lawrie‘s post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post hype breakout? I don’t want to overrate or prorate or ameliorate a past inveterate obturate to eviscerate execrate, try not to hate, love your mate, mediate or flip through cards like Michael Hutchence forth, Sandoval’s girth, Andrelton’s not from this earth, movie remake that never went anywhere was North by North. Yesterday, Lawrie went 3-for-3 with his third straight game with a homer, and he threw in a steal on Saturday, not a liar like James Frey, in Florida I need my mosquito spray, I have three albums by The Fray, said no one that wasn’t gay, which is totally okay. I was very high on Lawrie in the preseason, and right now he’s on pace for 20+ HRs, 12-15 SBs and hitting .290. On its own this would be implausible, laughable, impossible, insoluble in water, but he hit 16 homers last year, is only 26 years old and has easy 15-steal speed, so it’s not INXS of the possible. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170. Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one. You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September. Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order. Double negatives be damned! Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop. He’s nothing. Done. It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it. And the new president of that sentence is trumps. Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second. Please retire, your career is over. You had a good ride. Let baseball go. Look at Bobby Abreu, for example. He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu. Take his lead. Your time is gone. Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP. You’re actually walking more this year than last. Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low. Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean. You’re striking out about the same amount. Alas, it’s over! Hang up your cleats! Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight. Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left. Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton). The season is barely nascent. Fun fact! N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
In what seemed like a meaningless spring training game, Dee Gordon bunted and it landed 12 feet from home plate. The announcer said, “Wow, didn’t think that was going to make it out of the batter’s box” And an investigation began. Dee Gordon, unaware, of the investigation continued to use exogenous Testosterone and Clostebol, two performance-enhancing substances. Later in spring, he knocked a single that fell just out of the 2nd baseman’s reach. That ball, it was said, looked like a 47-footer. It went 57 feet. Another shot, sailed just over the pitcher’s mitt, and just before the 2nd base bag. Gordon raced to 1st, and everyone looked around, “That was a half-a-pede.” That’s baseball jargon for a 50-footer. So, Dee Gordon will be out for the next 80 games, call him The Suspended Splinter. Sure glad I bought him in my Tout Wars draft. Super! What the hell was this schmohawk doing? Who thinks they can possibly get away with using in today’s game? It’s just stupid. This is a break for Derek Dietrich; he should be the 2nd baseman on most days. He has 15-homer pop, and is worth a grab in NL-Only leagues. Look forward to seeing Gordon return in August when his 28-footers go 28 feet again, and he’s back to a .215 hitter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“‘I need a bouncy C. Not a bouncy castle!’ Billy Beane screams into his headset, when an intern interrupts him and his daughter, practicing her guitar, while they are both on a treadmill. The intern tells Beane that Jesse Hahn has a blister. The intern turns and it’s Jonah Hill. Fat Jonah, not “He doesn’t look right skinny” Jonah. Beane then looks at the camera to establish empathy and says, “Get me Sean Manaea.” Only he adds three extra syllables to Manaea’s naeame. And…scene!” The producer smiles, “That’s a great pitch. If only Manaea looks that good. High-five!” So, Manaea has been called up to start on Friday. He’s looked downright fantastic thus far. Upleft fantastic too. He’s a six-five Samoan, but he doesn’t weight 475 pounds. He could be the Rookie of the Year; his stuff is that TNT with SVU reruns. I also think there’s more downside here than, say, Berrios. He’s had moments where his command leaves him, and he becomes a 5+ IP, 4 ER guy. His delivery looks to me like he could get wild very easily. Wide range of possibility here, could be a #1 or could be a #4-5 that you only own in AL-Only leagues. Of course, I’m taking the flyer in all leagues for the chance he comes up and wows upsides our fantasy heads. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Hi, I work in the front office for the Twins and I’m ordering lunch. I was wondering what you have that’s old that you can give us a discount on. Can you eat old pork? Hmm, let’s try it with extra sauce. John Ryan Murphy briefly converted to Judaism, or so he wrote in 6-point font inside his lined notebook where he talked about murder, but he’s back to the gentile side of things. I’d also like to know if any of your very old or very young employees want to join our pitching staff. We can’t pay them in money, but Byung ho Park and Kurt Suzuki often wrestle together, reenacting Foxcatcher, and it’s just fun to be around when that happens. Gotcha, okay, just send the old pork then!” Incredibly, the Twins reached into their oh-so-deep pockets, pulled out some lint and decided to call up their top pitching prospect, Jose Berrios. He’s only been ready for about three years now; crazy to start his clock now when they could’ve held him down in Triple-A for another five years. Never underestimate the Twins’ frugality. It’s FRU-JOUL-LAY, it’s Italian! Here’s what I said previously about him, “A team like the Tigers would’ve promoted Berrios about two years ago. No fear, John Deere, Berrios is still only 21 years old. I’ve seen people peg Berrios as having #3 fantasy starter upside, but I see him landing eventually with a barely-2 BB/9 and 9 K/9 from his mid-90s MPH fastball and plus-curve. That makes him a borderline fantasy ace in the making. Of course, as a rookie, there will be stretches where he doesn’t look like that, but want a guy that could come on and give you a Shelby Miller in 2015-type year? Berrios has that potential.” And that’s me quoting me! Yes, I’d grab him, yes, in your league too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Buster Olney tweeted, “Kevin Gausman is pitching tonight probably exactly the way the Orioles hoped on the day they drafted him. Dominant stuff.” Putting aside the unnecessary “probably” — you’ll never win a Twitter Pulitzer with needless hooha! — is this what the Orioles hoped for? Because it’s felt at times like the Orioles were waiting for Gausman to say some sort of secret oath to let him into the rotation and, without Podrick to prompt him, he didn’t know said oath. By the by, I can’t look at Brienne of Tarth and not see Conan O’Brien. Perhaps, it’s me (it’s not). If the Orioles wanted Gausman to pitch probably exactly like this, wouldn’t they have put him in the rotation and left him alone for the last *covers mouth* years? Not to answer, but to knowingly nod while you undress your computer with your eyes. Since I have shares in that facacta noodle-hanger Archer, I watched the better part of Gausman’s start, and he looked better than what the boxscore says, and the boxscore says, “Yum, choco-latte.” It also says 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his first start back. Gausman has the stuff to be a number one, but at worse a number two. Not saying he will be this year; that’s just his stuff. He probably exactly should be already, but probably exactly hasn’t been. Still, I would grab him in any leagues where I needed upside. A 8+ K/9, 2.7+ BB/9, 3.75 ERA starter is probably exactly what you’ll get. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
People standing to the side, huddled together. Faces ashen. All they could talk about was the moment the Carlos Carrascident happened. There was nothing anyone could do. It was as if time slowed down like Keanu was diving away from a Matrixy bullet. A split second and a heap on the ground, silence. Terry Francona dressed as a law enforcement officer putting up yellow tape, people wondering if Francona was working a bachelorette party after the game. Carlos Carrasco is headed to the disabled list with a hamstring strain but needs to have an MRI, which is never what you want to hear about your ace. Filling in for him will be Trevor Bauer. Not farfetched to think Bauer could have value in matchups. Farfetch is also what they call warming up Bauer. “Why is our bullpen catcher driving to Akron?” “Friggin’ Bauer.” As for Carlos Carrasco, that’s the way the Cookie crumbles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
To understand Jake Lamb, I think it’s important to go back to the 1964 Summer Olympics when his father’s hero, Lambis Manthos, was competing for Greece in the 50 meter pistol shooting event. Due to a clerical error, Lambis thought he was competing in the 50 centimeter pistol shooting event. Lambis practiced shooting dinner plates from about 20 inches away. At one point, he was able to shoot an olive off a branch from about two feet away. Metaphorically, that meant war, and he knew it. He was ready, which is why this story ended so sadly when he realized it was really a 50-meter event. Lambis was extremely shortsighted and nearly took out a judge when tasked with shooting so far away. Thankfully, tragedy was averted when he only shot into one of those mats high jumpers fall on. At the end of the event, with Lambis in last place, the laughingstock of the competition, a young man by the name of Jake, was so moved with Lambis and his ability to hit close targets, he took his name as his last. This was Jake Lamb Sr., and the legend that Jake Lamb has to live up to. So, besides being a heartwarming story, what does this have to do with fantasy? Not a ton, said the man with four letters at his disposal. Lamb is currently slotted into the six or two hole on most days. He hasn’t shown great ability with lefties, so he’ll likely need to be platooned, but I’d do just that in all leagues. He has some power, some speed and shouldn’t kill you in average. Not from 50 meters or centimeters. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a fantasy baseball season. I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if I recommend starting a hitter vs. Jake Arrieta and pray. I’m not a woman, I’m not a man, I am Bartolo Colon and you will never understand how I get on these pants. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3. Yeah. I was working part-time in a five-and-dime, my boss was Willie McGee. U got the look. Jesus, McGee, that look. Twenty-three positions in a one night stand. Twenty-three positions in a very deep league fantasy team. Who’s my short-second-short-1st baseman? Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like when David Price’s owners cry. “Sorry to hear about Chyna,” said the ghost of Farrah Fawcett. Arrieta, you got the batter’s fly balls all tied up! Don’t make the outfielders chase you! Even doves have pride. Why do we scream at each other when we don’t own Jake Arrieta? So, Arrieta threw a no-hitter yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 BBs, 6 Ks. Rather economical pitch count too (119). Member when we were able to own him last year by drafting him in the 8th round? Alas, he’s a Sexy M.F. and I would die 4 U. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?