If you’re like me, once you finish your fantasy draft, you have a photographer take a picture of you with your team. You pull up your team page on your laptop, and the both of you sit next to a flower bed. The setting is similar to your mother’s yearbook picture. The cameraman even uses the filter that blurs out everything around you. As you wait for the makeup person to dab cover-up on your nose pimple, you reach into the flower bed and pull out a hydrangea. Then you speak directly to the SAGNOF Gods and recite his prayer, “He loves me, he loves me Motte, he loves me, he loves me Motte, he loves….” And the last petal ends on “He loves me Motte.” And you weep. Motte has an elbow strain and you’re stuck with his litigious brother-in-law, Mitchell Boggs. The Cardinals are currently saying all the right things, “Motte will be fine,” “Mitchell will temporarily fill-in,” “We had no idea McGwire was on steroids.” An elbow strain sounds like a thing that’s going to take Motte from his 40-save potential to an eight-save season with a 5.00+ ERA, which will be interrupted by surgery. Grab Boggs in every league, he could easily be a top five closer for this year. If you own Motte, you obviously DL him and hope for the best. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s a scenario: You are the burger flipper manager at your local burger flipping place. Someone comes to you and says Ryan Braun, your best burger flipping employee, is injecting his meat with HGH. That’s why they’re tasting so good, yells one of your other employees. You don’t want to believe Ryan is doing this. His burgers are soooooooo delicious. All of your customers love them. Kowtowing to your other employees and the media, you decide to taste test his burgers. Sadly, they do taste test positive for HGH. You have no solution other than to suspend him. This is gonna hurt business. When, by sheer luck, it turns out your taste testers sampled his burgers after they were delivered to their house from FedEx and the soooooooo delicious burger wasn’t tasted in the restaurant. Ryan’s attorneys rejoice. Ryan says, “I told you my burgers were clean” and you shrug. You’re just glad your best burger flipper can keep making you those soooooooo delicious burgers. Then…THEN someone comes along and says they found a note scribbled in the dumpster that says Ryan is ordering HGH to inject into his soooooooo delicious burgers. You look at that note and say, “Okay, we’ll keep an eye on things,” and go back to serving those soooooooo delicious burgers that everyone likes. Well, damn me and my deliciously Horsey sauce argument about chain of custody and Biogenesis as a ‘consultant.’ There’s no way Ryan Braun is being suspended for this Biogenesis nonsense. It’s ridiculous. Can we move on? Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The title of this post was nearly, “F*ck Luis Cruz.” If that guy gets in the way of my last round draft pick of Dee Gordon, I’m gonna be none too happy! Or is that “I’m gonna be some unhappy?” While Hanley Ramirez is out with a thumb injury, I want Dee Gordon to play for a month and for the Dodgers to say they won’t play Luis Cruz. I homophoned you! If anyone out there drafted Hanley already, I want to see your faces. Push them against your computer monitors or your handheld mobile devices. You are traitors to Razzball. I said specifically — or pacifically if you’re on a boat off the coast of California — not to draft Hanley. Word for word, “I’m done with Hanley until we see a return to his previous glory.” I didn’t even bury the lede. That’s the first freakin’ sentence of my Hanley blurb on the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball. I hope Hanley’s out for 3 months, returns to hit 7 homers with 12 steals and someone drafts him in the 3rd round of 2014, too. Know why? Because no matter how many times I tell people to ignore position scarcity, they don’t listen. You need to jam a cotton swab in your noggin like Lena Dunham and clean out your wax. (BTW, season two of Girls — meandering, pointless, adjective. Biggest drop in quality from season one to season two for a TV show since Heroes.) The Dodgers are saying Hanley could be out anywhere from two weeks to ten weeks. If you drafted him, you don’t read this so I’m talking to all the people who didn’t draft him. Send an email to the Hanley drafters. Subject: Trade Offer. Body of email: Any interest in trading for Yunel Escobar? I’ll take Paul Goldschmidt. Click send. Now unfriend them on Facebook. Done. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Something that may help you is my pitchers pairing post. Something else that may help you is APPLES. Something else that might help you, our Fantasy Baseball War Room. Something else that may also help you is mocking A-Rod. One note before we get to the lede’s lead-in, ESPN doesn’t look they rank any starters. I have no idea where a bunch of these guys are on their list, I’m assuming they are after 300. If you know where they’re ranked, you’re smarter than me. Pat yourself on the back, you’re in the top eighty-six percentile. So, these starters are all being drafted after 200 overall. Now, this is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Trinidad-and-Tobago) supplement to the top 100 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball. Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2013 projections. Also, I’ve gone over all positions for sleepers; to see them all 2013 fantasy baseball sleepers. Anyway, here’s some starters to target for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My grandfather, who is 86 years old, Skypes with me all the time. He’ll Skype with me when he’s eating some braciola that he got from the deli down the street. Sometimes he’ll Skype with me when he’s not wearing a shirt, and simply calling me to ask how ‘his pecs’ look because he’s about to Skype with one of his five girlfriends. Sometimes he Skypes me by accident when he’s trying to call Google (that’s what he does rather than search). I tell you this so when I say we still weren’t able to get the podcast going with Rudy and I together on the same call, you know we’re not coming to you from the 1950′s before such things as ‘conference call.’ We are all living in the present day. To be honest, I have to say this whole Daylight Savings Time thing is still affecting us. “So, I call in at 10:30 AM? Is that Eastern? Pacific? Central? Eastern pre-Daylight Savings? Post-Daylight Savings?” Do you see how many different possibilities there are? No wonder Bobby Fischer went mad. Who can keep track of all of these things? Rudy tried to call in after me, but Nick closed up shop, so it’s just me today. Well, me, Smokey and Jaywrong. They called in before me — separately, so I have no idea what they said because WE CAN’T FIGURE OUT CONFERENCE CALL?! I talked about some of my ancestry and Madeleine Albright, then we talked fantasy baseball. I’m assuming the other people on the podcast also talked fantasy baseball too. I’m merely assuming. Nick and I specifically go over my Justin Upton, Edwin Encarnacion and Ian Kinsler rankings. We talk briefly about the Fantasy Baseball War Room. I also handicap the Razzball Writers’ League and the Razzball Champions RCL. Maybe next week we can figure out a call-in number and an exact time. We shall see. Or not. Your choice. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (still in 3 separate parts):Please, blog, may I have some more?
That title is very confusing if you have a lisper reading it to you. Why you’re having someone else read it to you, let alone a lisper doesn’t make any sense. You can’t find a better-qualified Task Rabbit? Put down your soy capp-a-latte and find a better intern; you owe it to yourself. Last year, Justin Upton had a problem with his thumb. He hit 8 homers the first 4 months of the season. After he took off his hand guard and his thumb felt better, he hit nine homers in the final two months. Chase Headley doesn’t have Chase Field or Headley Field, for that matter. He also doesn’t have any offense around him. Literally. He’s hitting in front of Nadir Bupkis and behind Tumble Weeds Jr., and now he’s out for a month to six weeks, at least. I mentioned Upton because I’m trying to get through that thick melon on your shoulders how important hands are for hitters. Headley has gone from a high-ranked, 3rd baseman looking to repeat last year to a risky DL stash that isn’t much more than a corner man. In the top 20 3rd baseman for 2013 fantasy baseball and the top 400, I moved Headley way down. I wouldn’t touch him with his thumb, fingeratively. A fractured thumb is non-violent, but for fantasy it’s Headley. Double pun point! On a related note that’s a tangent closer than most of what you’ve read, Gyorko could move to 3rd base and might take an extra month to gain 2nd base eligibility in Yahoo leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now Aroldis Chapman says he wants to be the closer. Hahahahahahaha… Wait, why are you putting me in this room with padded walls? No, the Reds haven’t driven me crazy. I’m wearing a potato sack because the fabric breathes. Dusty’s the crazy one, not me. What is that powdery substance you’re stirring into my Jamba Juice? I saw you… I feel drowsy… Jack, I just want to see what’s in the hatch… ….Whoa, just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that not only did Dusty say he wanted Aroldis as the closer, but that Aroldis was saying it too. All of that came after they signed Broxton to close games, with Sean Marshall and Jose Arredondo setting him up. Wait, why am I still wearing a potato sack? It’s true?! AAAHHH! I blame Dusty and the toothpick he hasn’t changed since late-1997. He’s got splinters in the brain. The good news (depending on how optimistic you can be) is Aroldis has about the same value and ranking as a closer as he does as a starter. His auction value wouldn’t really change either. If anything, Aroldis is probably a tad higher in rankings if he’s a closer. It’s a role that he’s not only done before, but it’s a role that had him produce a top ten overall fantasy season. The bad news is, you might own a $12 Salad and if you drafted him as an ace, you no longer have a starter, which could change the entire dynamic of your team. This would kill Broxton’s value too. This still isn’t a done deal, Aroldis and Dusty might get overruled by Reds management, who obviously want him as a starter. I ask the Reds, “Is deciding on a role dis hard?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jedd Gyorko wins 2nd base job, yay says fantasy baseballers and Richard Kelly. The next thing you know, ol’ Jedd will head off to Beverly, Hills that is. On road trips to Los Angeles. Or Magic Johnson will just give him $100 million to sit next to Dee Gordon and Ryu. “You use your free tickets yet to see Jack the Giant Slayer at Magic Johnson theaters?” That’s Ryu talking to Gordon. They’re good friends. So, Gyorko is reportedly the new 2nd baseman in San Diego. I say bravo to the Friars. In one week, a new Pope and a new 2nd baseman. What did you do this week? Stretch your Sunday meal out into Thursday? Nice work! This might be the Year of the Snake, but it’s the week of the Gyorko, after mentioning him already three times. The hype’s been building in my pants for a while. Did I just say in my pants? No, I don’t think I did, but this post is a locomotive that can’t be stopped. In November, I wrote a Jedd Gyorko fantasy. There, I said I’d be surprised if he didn’t start the year in the majors. *shrugs, combs mustache, waits for balloons to fall from ceiling* I wrote that shizz in November! Okay, no ceiling balloons, fine. Blowing a frickin’ noisemaker wouldn’t hurt you. Gyorko has been a beast through the minors, and should hit in the majors + Petco = Linda Ronstadt. Wow, my math was way off there. It was supposed to equal a 2nd baseman with upside. Since I figured Gyorko would be in the majors to start the year, his projections were already in my top 400 for 2013 fantasy baseball, but I did move him up in the top 20 2nd basemen and top 20 3rd basemen posts. I almost moved Jedd up even further, but Petco and cold sores from previous bouts of rookie nookie kept him in the early 200′s overall range. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I almost called this post, “Aaron Hicks, Adam Eaton and those other guys.” Like a prude brothel would announce, therein lies the rub. Those other guys may not be as exciting right now, but there’s some great value this year for outfield. You can’t throw a puppy without hitting a 10 homer, 20 steal outfielder. There’s more than ten guys on this list (eleven), and I’d draft all of them, and have already in some leagues. It should work out well in (five outfielder league) drafts when you draft two outfielders before 100, then one between 100-175, then two somewhere in the next 150 picks. These are all the outfielders that being drafted after 200 overall. Now, this is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Canada) supplement to the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball. Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2013 projections. Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t do 1st baseman sleepers because there are none. If you’re drafting a 1st baseman sleeper, you’re losing your league. Who are you putting at 1st? Yonder Alonso? That’s cool. Don’t pay your league fees until the end of the year and then duck out of the country. You feel me? Okay, now stop. 3rd baseman are more or less in the same boat, and that boat is the Titanic and if you draft a sleeper 3rd baseman, you’re gonna sink while holding until to a lady named Rose who gets real old. But some of youse have corner men in your league, so may as well look at a few 3rd basemen for s’s and g’s. Do not draft, say, Chris Johnson as your 3rd baseman. Clear? Good. These are all 3rd basemen that being drafted after 150 overall. Now, this is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Singapore) supplement to the top 20 3rd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball. Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2013 projections. Anyway, here’s some 3rd basemen to target for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?