And if Vince V. is so money, it would make the Padres a bunch of Swingers. Seriously, tell me Vince Velasquez wasn’t money? He struck out 16, baby. He only gave up three hits, baby. He is a beautiful baby, baby. C’mon, he’s so money. You gotta grab him, baby, you gotta. Call him up on waivers, go ahead, c’mon, baby, call him up. “Hi, uh, this is a random fantasy baseballer, which is, uh, Grey’s mom’s term. I saw you struck out 16, uh, Padres, in a shutout and I was, uh, wondering–” Machine beeps. Call back, baby! Velasquez wants you to! “Hi, Mr. Velasquez, it’s me again. Ha, silly movie answering machines always shutting off prior to a message ending. I mean, who even has answering machines like this anymore–” Machine beeps. C’mon, baby! You’re almost through that message! Then you can go on to direct Iron Man and be the namelganger for a Washington speech writer, while I can go do a lot of blow with Jennifer Aniston and singlehandedly ruin True Detective playing essentially myself. You gotta, baby! You are so money! So, Vince Velasquez went 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 16 Ks, and if he’s still on waivers in your league, I want to be in your league. Yes, you should grab, like yesterday (preferably before his last start). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Glen Perkins hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Or, for those of you who have Siri read these posts to them, “Sorry, Grey, there’s no set closers in the Minnesota area, would you like to open up your search to waivers?” Thanks, Siri, I would. “Googling theater times for The Wood.” Ugh, Siri. True Story Alert! Because my pronunciation on everything is fudged up worse than See’s Candy. I tried having Siri call a friend of mine when I was pulling up to their house to pick them up, and Siri came back with, “Calling Israeli consulate to tell them you’re outside waiting.” I then immediately pulled over to stop a call that sounds like it would be flagged by the NSA. So, Perkins’s situation is hairier than a merkins’ situation; Kevin Jepsen should be the first go-to guy in the pen, but he’s no guarantee. Everyone is in play for the Twins’ job, Jepsen, Trevor May, Fernando Abad, Casey Fien and Ryan Pressly. Jepsen has experience, May has stuff, Fernando is a Abad righty, but an okay lefty for situational saves, Fien is not F-I-N-E and Pressly is the closer if everyone else leaves the building. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Noah Syndergaard steps into a giant metal milk can and submerges himself. At first, bubbles come up, then nothing. Only Houdini has ever been able to escape this, and even then Tony Curtis struggled to keep his life in order afterwards. The beautiful-despite-her-pantyhose girl locks him in. Everyone watches, and Noah just sits there, locked in. The audience shifts, then realizes this is what they want. They want Noah to stay this locked in. This locked in leads to Cy Young awards. This locked in carries teams to championships. One man stands in the audience and screams, “Grow gills and stayed locked in!” The crowd erupts. Harvey’s looked just okay, that other Mets pitcher put out the welcome Matz to opposing hitters and deGrom is battling an injury. Syndergaard? Oh, he’s so locked in. Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks and looked like he could’ve beat the 1927 Blue Jays in Coors Field. If you own him, ‘gaard your grill and knuckle up if anyone tries to trade you for him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t know where it’s coming from with Jeremy Hazelbaker, so I called Keith Morrison of Dateline to investigate. He went to St. Louis to investigate and left me this message, “Here, in bucolic St. Louis, all seemed right in the world. Jeremy had just married his high school sweetheart, and they were on a honeymoon of a lifetime when the unthinkable happened.” I picked up the phone, because I use an old school answering machine, “Keith, St. Louis isn’t bucolic, and I’m not looking for a suspicious murder scenario. I want to know who Jeremy Hazelbaker is for fantasy baseball.” Keith continued, “The neighbors had nothing but nice things to say about the couple. But they didn’t see the dark side.” “Keith, yesterday, Hazelbaker went 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and is hitting .526 through a week’s worth of games and hitting 2nd on most days. Can he continue it?” “Only that wasn’t pine tar on his bat, it was iron-rich blood. Coming up after the break–” So, I don’t know how the Cardinals do this with outfielders every year. These outfielders that just come out of nowhere to be fantasy relevant; I will call them, The Sons of Ludwick. Will it continue for Hazelbaker? It seems highly unlikely. He profiles as a 5-7 HR, 15-17 SB guy who might hit .245. But, ya know what, I don’t need to know where it’s coming from or if it will continue to own Hazelbaker, as I now do in a few leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Rangers called up their super-prospect, Nomar Mazara (3-for-4 and a solo homer). That’s super *prospect*, Hillary Clinton fans. Don’t worry, not the word that is also a title of an Arnie, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura movie. How is that trifecta not in more movies? I wanna see ACJ in everything! This Mazara call up is happening a lot faster than I thought it would. As the Story one did and the Max Kepler one and the Mallex Smith one (which I’ll go over in the post) and others. Maybe clubs read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I started to read it, got to the first chapter, “Put first things first,” skipped to the third chapter about being proactive, grew bored and never finished it. Feels like the days of Super Twos and June call-ups are behind us, right? Not answer, but to ruminate. I gave you a Nomar Mazara prospect post back in November of last year where I said, “He won’t struggle to hit .220. He won’t be a liability anywhere. He kinda reminds me of a young Matt Holliday, though from the other side of the dish. I watched some of his YouTube highlights and he doesn’t struggle to hit balls a long way, but also doesn’t look like a fat turd that can’t make it to first. I’m no scout, but watching him makes me think this is what scouts call sexy. I’ve seen him compared to Miguel Cabrera. Okay, no one is Miguel Cabrera until they are Miguel Cabrera, if you catch my drift, but Mazara doesn’t look like a guy that is going to disappoint. .280 with 30 homers a season for many years, that’s what he profiles as.” And that’s me quoting me! I grabbed him in every league where he was available. For now, he’s just filling in for Shin-Soo Choo, who is out four to six weeks with a strained calf, but I could see Mazara staying up and producing. Think Stephen Piscotty-type numbers, 20 HRs, .275, and a few steals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Moogly-boogly! It’s been a long winter. The Buy/Sell Column’s back asking, “Did you miss me?!” During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Bracecrotch, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from The Act of Killing with puppets in a staged production on the western tip of Alaska because I’M HARDCORE! You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that be cutting puppets’ necks with chicken wire while bundled up in fur coats because it was frickin’ cold in Alaska during the winter!? Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter! I’m eating puppet stuffing like I’m George “The Animal” Steele just to prove how crazy I am! Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Domingo Santana. Like all the way in. Like Michael, Sonny, Tom Hagen and Vito — all the way in. Like an Asian man wearing dark sunglasses indoors, pushing his chips into the middle of a table — all the way in! Like Gilligan in quicksand — all the way in! The Brewers are awful, this is not a lie. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Miller Park is a great park to hit in. The Brewers offense is not entirely as bad as their pitching. Domingo is a 25 HR, 10 SB guy. Let’s see, that’s better than Hunter Pence. Better than Kole Calhoun. Shoot, that’s better than Matt Kemp. Does Domingo have more risk than those guys? Yeah, word, you betcha. He also has more upside. Right now, Domingo is owned in 33% of ESPN leagues, that’s goofy. Don’t want my word for it? Then stare into Grey’s eyes on his little avatar photo until you see yourself. Now ask yourself if there’s a reason you haven’t picked up Domingo yet, and if there’s no answer, then grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My schmohawk posts are like the fantasy equivalent of Final Destination. First, A.J. Pollock loses his season, then Kyle Schwarber is carted off the field after running into Fowler. If I were Miguel Sano, I’d look both ways while carefully crossing to the plate to strikeout. And Tulo, well, I would just stay in the hyperbaric chamber that you sleep in for your hamstrings. I’m not sure if it was the writing of the posts, publishing of the posts or simply thinking about writing the posts that jinxed these players. Where does my kavorka start and end? Is it okay for me to think bad thoughts about Trevor Story? How serious are my premonitions? Oh, and one side note, you never want to see anyone get hurt, but how on earth did Schwarber get hurt and Fowler was fine? Schwarber’s got like 200 pounds on him. Damn, Dexter Fowler is one strong bean. So, Schwarber has a sprained ankle and is headed for an MRI today. He could be gone for a while, which could help Jorge Soler see some light, though I’m not sure this won’t just mean more playing time for Matt Szczur, Javier Baez (when he returns) or Kris Bryant into the outfield. I’m not even joking; Maddon’s playbook is written in hieroglyphics and the Rosetta Stone didn’t make it through baggage claim. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Shawn Tolleson went zero innings and gave up five earned for the blown save. Why is there blood dripping down the back of my leg? OH GOD, TOLLESON, WHAT HAVE YAO REEKED?! Yao is totally a medieval word for you, by the way. Yao Ming was medieval for “You mean?” Rather popular question in the olden days. Any hoo! Jesus, Tolleson, I wish I owned Jesus Tolleson, the Dominican League 2nd baseman from the Punta Cana Putas, instead of you. That was egregious, my man. At least buy me dinner before touching up my nethers with an iron maiden. Someone tase me so I forget about it. I immediately grabbed Sam Dyson and Keone Kela, wherever I could. It’s not completely clear who would be next, but Dyson has been used as the 8th inning setup man recently, so he’d be my first choice. If Tolleson looks wonky in one more game, he might no longer be the closer. Or as Elvis Costello would say, “Tolleson, I know the M’s are killing you, but my aim for SAGNOF is true.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“It’s an All-Star edition of Chopped! I’m your host, Ted Allen. Let’s meet the competitors. First up, Aaron Sanchez.” *hits fast forward button* “You know, I didn’t think you could put together such a great starter with turkey jerky, kumquats, Mallomars and boxed rice, but this sauce you made is divine.” Alex Guarnaschelli lifts the bowl and slurps. Geoffrey Zakarian, “I thought it could’ve used a bit more spice.” “Okay, GZ.” True Story Alert! My dog’s name is Ted, and the dog walker’s name is Allen, so in my phone I have him listed as Ted Allen. Whenever he calls, I yell out to Cougs, “I finally got on Chopped!” So, I started Aaron Sanchez and he threw a dazzler, 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. His 89th pitch was a 97 MPH fastball. Sign me up for some of that! I grabbed him off waivers in my RCL (no idea why he wasn’t owned), and I plan on starting him every time out, Stream-o-Nator be damned! To keep the runner at first, I’m gonna quick pitch this one. For the cost of four cups of coffee, you get the Stream-o-Nator. To buy stats for all major leaguers that helps the tools run costs us about $8,000. There’s a shizzton of man hours for Rudy to make the tools. A lot of it is a labor of love; we get that. No one is getting rich here; again, it’s all good. I don’t want to pay extra taxes anyway! Now, with that said (here comes a reversal!), I take the Stream-o-Nator with a grain of salt in April. Sample sizes need to grow. Ugh, that’s what she keeps saying! That’s the size of the sample, sweetheart. Please, don’t put me on the DL with a fractured ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*takes a long inhale* “You smell that, Roberta? You, with the yellow-stained armpits and sweatpants, I’m calling you Roberta. That’s baseball you smell. In its infinite complexity and finite simplicity. The foul lines whiter than any Lohan mirror. The grass? Manicured better than any Vietnamese lady could. The object of the game? Accumulate the most stats so I win my fantasy league. Simple, yet complex. Like trying to understand Jeff Foxworthy’s appeal. From today forward, this is our Independence Day (from all that other shizz in our life).” The preceding was Bill Pullman visiting the set of Field of Dreams. To that end, Roberta and your long-flowing sideburns, if the idea is to win saves, that difficulty intensifies when you draft Ken Giles and Luke Gregerson becomes the closer. That’s funny, because the Astros beat writer the other day said GILES IS THE CLOSER. Caps his, not mine. I know how to shut off my caps lock. So, now that GILES IS THE SETUP MAN, I would GRAB Gregerson in EVERY league, though, if it’s competitive, he’s likely GONE by NOW. No idea why Giles is NOT the CLOSER. My GUESS is the Astros went OUT and GOT Giles withOUT their manager, A.J. Hinch, agreeing, so Hinch IS now BEING petulANT. I’d prefer if he were petulANT with A closER I DO NOT OWN. Hey, it looks like I’m typing this on a busted Smith-Corona. Fun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?