Hey, I’m outside of a mall in my home state, New Jersey, and I’m carrying a long microphone that I got from a garage sale. The microphone was supposedly used by Curt Gowdy in the 70′s. I’m out here today, while being filmed like it’s a bad 1980′s commercial, because I want to ask people what they think of Jacoby Ellsbury for this year. “Do you think Jacoby Ellsbury can stay healthy?” “What the f**k did you just say to me?” “Was wondering if you thought Jacoby Ellsbury could hit 25-plus homers again with the short porch?” “How about you get on a short bus, f**k nuts?” “Can Jacoby Ellsbury steal 50-plus bases?” “Go f**k yourself.” There you have it! The people of New Jersey have spoken. Yeah, Jacoby Ellsbury has had seasons of illustrious glory. Capable of 30 homers? He did that. Capable of 70 steals? And you know that. Has dreadful seasons? *looks slowly right, looks slowly left, tiptoes out of the room* Anyway, why is Jacoby Ellsbury overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the top 20 2nd basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball post January Grey mentions that there will need to be an overrated post for Matt Carpenter written at some point. Way to pass the buck, bucko! Well, two can play that game, Morris Chestnut, so I’m going to copy some of the shizz January Grey spewed at ya and vomit it right back, “Last year, Carpenter scored 126 runs. That’s the third highest runs total since 2008. To give you an idea of what the guys who beat him did the following season: Granderson scored 136 runs in 2011 and 102 the following year and Trout scored 129 in 2012 and 109 last year. No one scores 120 runs in back-to-back years without a crapton of steroids. Do I smell an overrated post coming for Carpenter? I can’t smell due to a build up of cerumen that’s made its way into my nasal passages, but it sounds about right. (BTW, the Wikipedia picture for cerumen is so nasty. Don’t look, seriously. And now that just made you want to look. Suckers!)” And that’s me quoting January Grey! So, what makes Matt Carpenter overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
When January Grey was working on the rankings, I doubt he ever thought he’d be setting up February Grey to write an overrated post on Joe Mauer. January Grey, “Don’t be mad cause I’m doing me better than you doing you (repeat 3 times).” Here was a guy (Mauer, not January Grey or Childish Gambino) who hasn’t done well in years. Not just last year. In 2012, he was completely healthy and played in 147 games and notched 545 at-bats. Both marks would be generous to give any everyday player, so it had nothing to do with missing games due to catching. If you said to me you can draft Miguel Cabrera but you’ll only get 147 games and 545 at-bats, I’d take it in a second. In 2012, Mauer was also 29 years old and had Morneau for 134 games and a 35-homer Willingham in the lineup with him. Plouffe hit 24 homers that year and Denard Span and Ben Revere were getting on base and stealing bases. This wasn’t a bad Twins team. Not good, but not bad. They were 16th in the major leagues for runs scored and 10th for OBP. That year Mauer had the stat line of 81/10/85/.319/8. Shoot, I must’ve did something wrong. Hold on, I need to say it louder — That year Mauer had the stat line of 81/10/85/.319/8! Oh, well, I thought balloons might drop from my ceiling after I said his line. Maybe it wasn’t so good even though he had a healthy 545 at-bats. Anyway, why is Joe Mauer overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hehe, I said tool. Our 2014 Fantasy Baseball War Room is one part draft tool, one part fantasy team evaluator, one part fantasy junkie’s s’s and g’s tool, one part holy, two parts smokes, three parts… How many parts is that so far? Cause it’s only really seven parts total. I think there’s one part kill-your-day-with-this-war-room-thing-a-maboob in there too. I don’t know, guys and four girls, I think it’s pretty cool and I only get excited about things once every three full moons or once every time I see the t-shirt with three moons and a wolf. For reals, it might be the best thing since sliced bread. Now sliced bread that is toasted and buttered is another story entirely. This shizz is so insane, I just had an aneurysm. Are you happy now?!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2014 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them though. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2014 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Go join one now. Or join two. Or three.) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2014 fantasy baseball drafts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So the title has a bit of superlative in it. What was I gonna say, the most kinda good fantasy baseball team? You’ll get over your scoffing, I have faith in you. This is the best 2014 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball and top 400 for 2014 fantasy baseball. Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be almost terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is. If I took Adam Jones in the 1st round, everything after would change. For this exercise, I’m taking Mike Trout first, because, well, I have him first overall. Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every twelve picks. It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Darvish and Kershaw in the first round and I was able to take Prince Fielder in the 2nd round (which is likely), but since Trout and him are in my first 10 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both. Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100′s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken. People tend to look at team need over value. So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks. Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 200, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team. Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward. It should still be my ideal team… Or not. Let’s see, shall we? Bee tee dubya, this team is 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues that are signing up still. (Yes, we need commissioners. I’m shooting for 70 leagues, but we need your help! Wow, I just sounded like FDR.) Anyway, here’s the best 2014 fantasy baseball team:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know what would be really cool? If you could join a free fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 600 other fantasy baseball teams. But not a 600-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, Corpus Christi Amscrayers. No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 60 other leagues of twelve. That would be cool. Oh, wait, we’ve done that. It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it! For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league! That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences). Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day. As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon. Or womon, for our four girl readers. It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues. Before you close all of your extraneous porn windows and rush to sign up, let’s explain how these fantasy baseball leagues are going to work. We’re going to have a bunch of leagues and crown a winner from each, then we’re going to crown ONE winner from all of the winners. We will be crowning the winner by taking each team’s points and multiplying it against a ‘league competitiveness factor.’ If you want to see how it worked last year, go here. So we’re going to fill up as many fantasy leagues as we can for the next seven weeks. Each fantasy baseball league will be a mixed league, 12 team, snake draft, roto, 5×5, 5 OFs, one Middle Infielder, one Corner Infielder, one Utility, 9 pitchers, 20 game eligibility, 180 Games Started max, 1000 IP minimum. Unlike previous years, we will be going with TWO DL SLOTS. The only things you need to change from the default is the 180 Games Started and the TWO DL SLOTS. Please be vigilant about having the exact same league rules and setup as everyone else. The lineup is also known as: C/1B/2B/SS/3B/CI/MI/5 OF/UTIL/9 P/3 BENCH/2 DL with 180 Games Started and 1000 IP minimum. The fantasy leagues will be played in ESPN and they will be free to join.
We’re going to start with twenty-one leagues of 12 and see how we do from there. To join a league… Sorry, again for the people in the back of the room:Please, blog, may I have some more?
For these pitcher pairings, I’m going to be using our 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. Notably, the top 20 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball, top 40 starters for 2014, top 60 starters for 2014 and the top 80 starters for 2014. You can also just go to our Fantasy Baseball War Room once it’s ready, which should be by Tuesday. Or the fantasy baseball tiers. Okay, now that we have our links and shizz done. What is a pitcher pairing? It’s how you plan on putting together a fantasy staff. It’s a plan of action. If you have A pitcher, which B, C, D, E and F pitcher goes with him? Which is different than ‘F this pitcher,’ that’s what you say in May. You should have six starters. The sixth starter is Wily Peralta or take whoever you want. I suggest an upside pick. Jeff Samardzija comes to mind. Or Brandon Beachy. Zack Wheeler also comes to mind. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5 and some variation of 9 pitcher leagues like the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Speaking of which, the RCL league sign-ups begin on Monday. (NOTE: What you are about to read is massively confusing. If it were found scribbled in a notebook, the FBI would be watching me. If Charles Manson stood up and read this at the next prison Meet N’ Greet, no one would blink an eye.) Anyway, here’s some pairings for pitching staffs for 2014 fantasy baseball drafts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Finally, we come to the end of the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. (Can we start games already?) A little birdie told me we’re opening up our commenter fantasy leagues on Monday. Then the little birdie pooped on my shoulder and I thought it was blue cheese and I put it on a cracker and– Wait, where was I? Okay, you know that I like Avisail Garcia more than Leonys Martin in the top 60 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. You know I like Alcides Escobar more than Asdrubal Cabrera as seen at the top 20 shortstops for 2014 fantasy baseball, but you don’t know how I feel about where these guys fall in the bigger picture. Is Alcides above Avisail? So to show you where I think players fall in relation to each other in 2014 fantasy baseball drafts, I’m putting together a top 400 for 2014 fantasy baseball. This still needs to be taken with a grain of salt. If you have a shortstop already and Alcides is still on the board at pick 200, you don’t draft him if you see Leonys Martin and you need an outfielder, even though Leonys is below Alcides on this list. So I might take someone at 200 over someone at 180? Yes, every draft is different. With the top 10, there’s almost no latitude. With the top 100, there’s a decent amount of latitude. With a top 400, there’s lots of latitude. You taking someone at 185 is more or less the same as someone else taking someone at 235. So if you see someone who’s ranked at 250th, but want them at 200, then do what you do. Because of the length of the top 400, there’s no pithy comments with each name, but you kinda do need to know what I’m thinking for each name, so I advise you go over each position in the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. The top 100 and top 400 is what I would have at my drafts, along with the top 20 rankings posts. If I were drafting online, I’d also use the Fantasy Baseball War Room (which is hopefully ready on Tuesday; this is out of my control, someone else needs to fill out the Excel spreadsheet). Finally, see our list of all players with multiple position eligibility. Anyway, here’s the top 400 for 2014 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings for every position done, we turn our lazy eye towards the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball. These 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are one part fresh and two parts to def. They own a cat, a dog and a lizard in a two bedroom apartment where pets aren’t allowed. Know why? Cause they don’t care! None of this top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball is meant to surprise. *jumping out of a closet* Boo! Now, that was meant to surprise. This top 100 is just taking my positional rankings and putting guys in The Big Picture. You really should read each ranking post because the blurbs in this top 100 are on the skimpy side because there’s so many of them, and I went over each one of these guys already. Obviously at a hundred players, some guys just didn’t make it. About 300, to be inexact. It’s okay; there will be a top 400 tomorrow. Shortly, Sloth, you’ll have your Baby Ruth. Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel. Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2014 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.” Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters. Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter! To help with your drafting, there’s also a list of players with multiple position eligibility. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?