You wanna know frustration? Of course, you do. You play fantasy baseball! We’ve chosen a hobby that is the least relaxing hobby possible. May as well have a hobby of picking cheese off mousetraps. If the mousetrap doesn’t smash your finger, you win. What do you win? A virtual trophy! Oh, and bragging rights. Awesome! Okay, wanna really know frustration? Wait to see how Dusty uses Trea Turner upon his call-up. This is gonna be so fun! Will Lloyd’s of London insure the ulcers of all Trea Turner owners? Yesterday, he was called up to replace Ryan Zimmerman, who went on paternity leave. So, unless Zimmerman’s wife takes as long as he does to get hot, I’m assuming Zimmerman will be back in three days tops. At that point, Turner will stay with the club and play, stay and get benched or get demoted again. If he stays with the club, do you think Dusty is going to play him over Espinosa? Well, he could. I guess. “So, how do you play this mousetrap game again?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Felix Hernandez hit the DL with a calf strain. He could veal it during his last start. Sounds like a good injury to milk. Sorry, I was just shaking out the pockets of these jeans I wore last night and I had a bunch of unused cow puns. What’s a dad cow’s poop called? Pa-nure! Take it, Highlights, it’s yours! So, James Paxton was called up to replace F-Her, who is likely going to only miss a few weeks, but Paxton could continue to get starts if he’s good. So, can Paxton be good? Is there’s twelve posts in post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper? Paxton has shown flashes of brilliance with his 94 MPH fastball but the M’s have wanted Paxton to improve on a bunch of pitches and he’s already 27 years old, so is improvement coming? Well, he had a 3.97 ERA in Triple-A this year and Steamer projects him as a streamer, so I have no faith whatsoever. Speaking of faith, yesterday Paxton gave up runs like his character gave out marriage proposals. Looking at his line is like looking at Chloe Sevigny — 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 unearned runs. Paxton’s like when Picasso stood up from the toilet. He’d look down and say, “That’s a work in progress.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Ree,” opens the front door, walks down the driveway, says hello to my Polish neighbor, Stash, walks to the DQ, gets a Blizzard, eats said Blizzard, walks home, opens the door, says “Dick,” hits the head, not like that, comes back feeling a Blizzard lighter, does some Netflix and chill, shuts it off, says, “You,” brushes teeth, gets into bed, moves arm over Cougs, hears about her splitting headache, rolls over and says, “Lus.” That’s right, in honor of Mookie Betts, I just did the most ridiculous ridiculous call ever. You earned that shizz, you madman! I’d count the ways I love this man, but like a savant Blackjack dealer I can only count up to 21. After his three-homer game yesterday, Betts (3-for-5, 5 RBIs, 10th, 11th, 12th homers) now has those twelve homers to go with eight steals, a .283 average and is on pace for 115 runs and 85 RBIs. Don’t make me do another ridiculous ridiculous call, cause if you want me to, I will. Oh, and with what he’s doing, it’s not even inconceivable that he keeps up this pace. His BABIP (.290) is actually below his career average (he’s getting unlucky!), his fly ball percentage is down (he could be hitting more homers!) and he hasn’t been caught stealing once (so steal more!). You are witnessing the emergence of a perennial first rounder. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You flip through your cassette singles. You pop in James Ingram’s Just Once cassette single, but decide that’s better to play right after taking the love of your life for an abortion. You then pop in the In Your Eyes cassette single, but it feels too Say Anything. You then pop in the Always & Forever single you played on the way to prom, and it…feels right. You take your boombox and place it on your shoulder, Luther Vandross plays obnoxiously loud if Vandross could ever be obnoxious, but you decide he can’t be. The song gets to the end and you flip it over to play the Always & Forever house remix. Yet, this whole time, Matt Harvey‘s Buy Low Window stays shut. You wonder why it won’t open again, and sigh. It’s now shut because yesterday Matt Harvey went 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.37. Looks like the slider returned with his velocity. Last week I said I didn’t think his problems were unfixable, yesterday he showed they weren’t. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Saturday, our prayers were answered. No, not the prayer about winning Powerball. Or the prayer about sweatpants becoming the new formalwear. Or the prayer about muttonchops being some magical aphrodisiac. Or the prayer about your mom forgetting that time you accidentally sexted her. Or that prayer about being as successful in real life as you are in fantasy. No, not those. The prayer about Yu Darvish returning and looking as dominant as ever. On Saturday, he threw the fastest pitch of his major league career, throwing three pitches for more than 98 MPH. The line of 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks was solid, but I imagine this will be the start of him reaffirming his place in the top 10 starter conversation. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department sang, “Yu, Yu got what I need…Yu say he just spends Yen…Yu say he just spends Yen…But baby Yuuuuuu,Yu got what I need!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You missed out on Julio Urias and are like, “I will never miss out on another top prospect call up, I promise you that,” then you stick your pinkie out to pinkie swear with your reflection, only the girl you’re seeing walks in on you pinkie swearing with yourself and you need to come up with an excuse, so you tell her, you’re practicing drinking tea with your pinkie out and that works because you’re dating Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein of Jordan, who your friends were more impressed with when they thought you were dating Michael Jordan’s lesbian daughter. Well, in order to keep your promise to yourself, you Promise Keeper, you need to pick up Jameson Taillon now now now. Not now, not now now, but now now now. Three nows. An extra now when now now is not fast enough. Why now now now? The Pirates skipped him this past week because they want him to throw more in the majors. Now (one now) they are simply sitting on him until they can call him up in the first week of June. I’d guess Niese or Locke get one more start in the rotation, then Jameson will be here. Is he that good? His numbers are kinda ridiculous in Triple-A — 9+ K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.82 ERA. I will now climb into my giant iguana skin throw rug and laugh hysterically like a madman. Jameson can be the number one call-up pitcher this year, and should be owned now now now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I missed out on Julio Urias in all of my leagues. Shame because I was just looking at his stats the other day — 9.8 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 1.10 ERA and I was like, “Those can’t be real,” and he winked at me. An interminable wink. And I was like, “Are you winking that those stats are real or are you winking at me that they’re not?” He didn’t answer, he just kept winking. So, I tried to pull a fast one on him and was like, “Wink once if I should wait to pick you up, wink twice if I should pick you up now or wink three times if you’re going to be called up to be a middle reliever.” And he winked once. Again. Then, like I do at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, I climbed onto his head and blew into his eye to see if he was alive. He wasn’t. I mean, he is, but this was just a picture of him. Don’t be like me, don’t worry about the wink test with Urias and just grab him in all leagues. He could be a number one starter for the time he’s in the rotation. That’s the catch, however. (Or is it pitch?) He’s filling in for Alex Wood, who has triceps tightness. Wood could be out the rest of the season (not saying he is) and Urias would still not stay in the rotation. The Dodgers have said they will limit Urias’s innings. He could only pitch 60 more innings this year, which is about ten starts. My guess is he’ll pitch a few starts in the rotation, then move to the bullpen and pitch an inning or three a week. Sound about right to you, Urias? Wink once for yes…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Devon Travis was activated from the DL yesterday (1-for-4, 1 run). Be interesting to see what he can do in his return from shoulder surgery. Shoulder surgery never really stopped anyone from doing well before. “Yes, Michael Brantley? Ask your question. Okay, if you’re not going to ask your question, at least put your arm down. You can’t put down your arm? Oh.” The Blue Jays said that Travis could move up the order soon, and hit leadoff. No way, Azul Jays! You mean Jose Bautista isn’t a leadoff hitter? That’s downright shocking. I never would’ve guessed that. Shiver me Timberlands, and stockpile my hatch chiles before Trump kicks New Mexico out of the union. There’s been a lot of talk in the comments about how unenthused I am for Travis, and it’s not entirely true. I would take a flyer on him in all leagues, but it takes hitters a while to return from shoulder surgery, so I’d tempura my expectations. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Matt Harvey (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 6.08) briefly held the honor of having the worst ERA of any National League starter at 6.08, which means Harvey is the only one happy with Shelby Miller this year. It’s time we addressed the giant imaginary rabbit in the room, Harvey. The Mets thought that Harvey’s problems were mental and considered burning all of his locker’s contents to rid him of the bad juju. Can you put his “animosity for Terry Collins” in the locker too? How about his “bitterness at not being the star pitcher anymore?” Does that fit in a locker? What about “brooding?” Does brooding fit in a locker? Someone needs to salve Harvey’s ego with some Jergen’s lotion because you can see his buttsoreness (totally a word!). His velocity looked fine yesterday, but his slider is not being located with precision. Also, check this: 1st time through the order facing Harvey: .241/.292/.373; second time: .301/.326/.518; third time: .509/.563/.764. What does that tell me? He’s having a hard time keeping his pitches fresh the 2nd and 3rd time a hitter sees him, which goes back to the slider. I don’t think his problems are unfixable, but he may need a trip to the Disgraceful List with a mysterious ailment to clear his head and figure out his slider. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Shin-Soo Choo hit the DL again. Yeah, surprise, surprise. Never would’ve seen that coming, unless you’ve followed Choo’s career for the last three seconds. In other news, Joey Gallo was called up. Here’s my transactions yesterday: Team Albright dropped Tyler Goeddel for Mikie Mahtook. Twenty-nine minutes later: Team Albright dropped Mikie Mahtook for Delino DeShields. Two hours later: Team Albright dropped Delino DeShields for Matt Holliday because someone else grabbed Joey Gallo already, and Team Albright didn’t feel like adding Junichi Tazawa for the sixth time. Gallo has e-meants power. His power is so e-meants I can’t even spell immense correctly, except there. He had 8 HRs in 24 games this year in Triple-A and six homers in about a month last year in the majors. This offseason I said, “I get the sneaking suspicion that Joey Gallo is going to be The Return of the Sucky Average Lagoon Monster, who was played briefly in an off-Broadway revival by Chris Carter. In Double-A last year, Gallo had a 39.5% strikeout rate. That’s absurd. That’s the same rate historians have said Babe Ruth had after an all-night bender with Fatty Arbuckle when Ruth showed up and accidentally went up to bat still wearing his sleep mask. Fun fact! Sleep masks for the wealthy used to be made from raw hamburger patties. So, with Gallo wearing a raw hamburger on his eyes, is there any chance of him hitting above .200? Not if he can’t tame his strikeouts.” And that’s me quoting me! Good news, prematurely balding men and five lady readers, Gallo’s tamed his Ks by a lot this year in Triple-A. He’s cut them to 22.6%, and was hitting .265. If he can hit .265 with the Rangers, he’ll be more valuable than Prince Fielder this year because Gallo has 40-homer power. I tried to pick him up in every league, and I suggest you do the same. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?