Danny Valencia had himself a nice little weekend. On Friday, he hit two homers, then yesterday he became only the third player to ever have a three-homer game (3-for-5, 5 RBIs) against the Rays (last one was Carlos Delgado in 2003), and only the 2nd player that also stood for the pregame National Anthem. Valencia grew up Jewish, and, according to Wikipedia, “(Valencia’s) two key hitting coaches growing up were Bob Molinaro, a family friend who is a former major leaguer, and his mother Mindy.” I didn’t have a Jewish mother, but have plenty of experience being half-Jewish, so I can imagine the guilt trips he got, “Why don’t you marry a nice Jewish girl and stop swinging at balls in the dirt?” “You never call your mother, and you’re opening up too soon.” “You can go take batting practice after you give your mother a kiss.” Wikipedia doesn’t mention it, but one less guilt-inducing hitting coach he had was Jose Bautista. Valencia learned how to hit for more power from Joey Bats. Since Bautista imparted wisdom on Valencia, he’s hit 30 homers in the last 580 ABs. So, can Valencia keep it going? It appears so. Now finish your latkes and keep your hands back! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)! Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues? That feels like a personal slight against my manhood. And my manhood is already slight! Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool! My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up! This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides. Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy! *same guy runs to other side* Oh! Oh! Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock! Snap! *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy* Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause? My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground* Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show. Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels. It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns. Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating. I love Villar because SAGNOF. I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up? Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first. Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere. *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up* Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Owning Max Scherzer last night was like watching the Showtime classic, Emmanuelle, the erotic thriller starring Emmanuel Lewis as Webster Schlong and Alex Karras as George Papadopepuss. Through 6 IP, Scherzer had 13 Ks and was only 77 pitches. On the Tigers broadcast, Jimmy Leyland said, “(Scherzer) looks spent.” Who’s a better judge of that than his ex-manager? If only the Nationals had Jose Valverde to come in. But then Scherzer went out in the 7th and had a 1-2-3 inning with two Ks and it was if Shannon Tweed had appeared next to Emmanuel Lewis and this erotic thriller became more elaborate, convoluted and spectacular! Then Scherzer came out in the 8th and struck out three more guys to put his total at 18 Ks. Then, came the ninth. Now, no guy has a shorter hook than Emmanuel Lewis, but no manager has a longer hook than Dusty. Scherzer could’ve been on pitch 175 and he would’ve been out there to finish it, and finish the Tigers he did. Final line: 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 20 Ks. He is still giving up homers though…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*walks into a Moroccan marketplace* I got me some Marra-CASH to spend! Hoo-ah! Wow, I sound a little like Al Pacino in my own head. Okay, I’m going to go over to that table that is filled with players to buy low. “Hello…*reads name tag* Djibooti, I see you’re selling slow-starting hitters for a deal.” “Good deal! Good deal!” “Well, I’ll be the judge of that.” *picks up Justin Upton* “This smells like skunk.” “No skunk! Good deal!” *goes through crates filled with albums that have a player’s face on them, lifts Lorenzo Cain* “How much?” “Djibooti need to check MLB Statcast.” Djibooti looks at his iPad, looks up and snatches Cain out of my hands. “No longer for sale!” “Damn, Djibooti, don’t put your emotions in a tagine and get them all heated.” So, Lorenzo Cain obviously was struggling mightily going into yesterday’s game, and, now, not so much — 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with 3 HRs (3, 4, 5). This is why I rarely sell low on struggling top 50 hitters. There was a reason they were drafted there in the first place. Now the buy low is going to be much more difficult too. “Djibooti, how much for David Price?” “You take for free! He’s yours!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Chris Young went 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he allowed five solo home runs, which tied a franchise record, and was only the 7th starting pitcher to give up five home runs in less than three innings. He was then followed by Dillion Gee. Too bad Gee wasn’t followed by Aaron Laffey, then the box score would’ve read Chris Young, Gee, Laffey, which, as everyone knows, is an Asian giraffe, which is where these pitchers should be pitching: Asia. I didn’t know the Mets had an exchange program going with the Royals. Oh, and the Mets’ AARP affiliate was on the Yanks too with Carlos Beltran (2-for-4) hitting two homers. Member the days when the Mets got the Yanks’ also-rans — Willie Randolph, Orlando Hernandez, Rick Cerone? Now the Yanks are taking sloppy seconds. The Yankees are Ben Affleck and the Mets are Joey Lauren Adams and the Yanks are listening to the Mets in the bar in Chasing Amy. Watch out for the gear shift, Yankees! Also, in this game, Brian McCann (1-for-4) mick-can-can with his 4th homer, Brett Gardner (1-for-4) said, “Same,” and hit his 4th and Aaron Hicks (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) blasted his 2nd. With Ellsbury out for a few, I grabbed Hicks in one league, and this is now his 2nd homer in the past four games. As for Christall Young, he’ll likely be replaced in the rotation by Gee. Though, I vote for Gee with Laffey on his shoulders for the Asian giraffe. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’d like to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there, and to the most important mother in most of our lives, Manny Machado. The Oxford Dictionary defines mother, “something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale.” So, one can say that Manny Machado is the mother of all shortstops and 3rd basemen. Yesterday, on Machado’s Day, a true mother in the most arcane sense, he went 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (8, 9). He’s gaining shortstop eligibility for next year because Hardy hurt himself and the Orioles realized that necessity is the Machado of invention. So, next year, is there any way he’s not in the top three overall for all of fantasy? I guess if he gets hurt. Did I just jinx him? What a Machado f**ker! Whatever the case, there’s no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated. Sweet Manny, don’tcha know, I love ya (Dear Machado). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Is he learning the English language? Is he drunk? Is he trying to say ‘drawer’ while drunk? Did he have a stroke? Does he just not know that the person he’s thinking of is an artist and he’s calling him a drawer? Did he just have an operation on his teeth and he’s saying jewelry? The jewelry drawer? Does he have marbles in his mouth? Rocks? Gobstoppers? Is he doing an insensitive impersonation of a speech impediment? No, prematurely balding man, he’s trying to say the name Drury! As in Brandon Drawer–Excuse me, Brandon Drury. Yes, he’s about as hot as any hitter in the league and should be owned. In the bigger picture, he had a .331 average in 63 games in Triple-A, and is only 23 years old, so, while he hasn’t shown great power in the minors, it could still be developing. Is Drawer top shelf? Too Drury to say. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Altuve is on pace for 60 homers. He can’t even reach the cereal in the morning! If an opposing manager were to ask to see Altuve’s bat, they would crack it open to reveal gumballs because he’s the leader of the lollipop guild. If the major leagues were to institute a Daffy Duck ‘You Have To Be This Tall’ sign before getting to the batter’s box, Altuve would need his mother to escort him into the batter’s box every time. That’s assuming she’s tall enough! If she’s not, who does he get? His uncle? Erik Kratz? If might were height, Jose Altuve would be a giant. That much is true. I love that lil’ bugger! I want a Teddy Ruxpin in the shape of Altuve to cuddle at night. Last night, he went 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer, hitting .330. So, the question is, can he keep it up? Up is not a word I associate with Altuve, and, no, he can’t keep it up. No one could keep up this pace. Of course, he’s still a .315 hitter with an easy 110 runs, 35 steals and 70 RBIs, i.e., a top ten bat. So, keep it up? No, not without four phonebooks under him. Do enough to make you glad you didn’t sell high? As a French dwarf would say, “Wee!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Daniel Murphy is the hottest homophobe since Kirk Cameron got three offers in one week for three different Christian movies, “A Behind…Left Behind,” “Groundhog’s Day Is For Satanists, God Makes The Seasons,” and “Make Me Dinner Woman, And No Leftovers.” Daniel Murphy’s hotter than Kim Davis looks to lesbians looking for a challenge. Daniel Murphy is hotter than Ted Nugent’s nougat, which he has to heat to 214 degrees to get the sugar to melt. Yesterday, Murphy went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer while hitting .398 on the year. I’m not saying we need to throw Ted Williams’s head in the microwave to defrost, but we may want to leave it on the counter to slowly bring it to room temperature. Okay, Murphy’s BABIP is absurdly high (.427), which means he’s hitting about a hundred points too high, so his average will come down. He’s also not hitting for a ton of power, so it’s a good story right now for the MLB that their hottest hitter is a bigot — The Ghost of Ty Cobb, “That sounds rad.” — but it’ll end eventually. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matthew Wisler threw a gem yesterday — 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.24. Or if you like portmanteaus and/or vomit — Matthrew up a gem. By the by, after anyone says their name is Matthew, do you always want to say, “Gesundheit?” “Name for the cup?” “Matthew.” “Wow, it’s allergy season, huh?” That’s me as a barista, a job I never had. I’ve actually held one real job in my entire life. I’m like Mark Cuban without the money. Since I own Wisler in more leagues than I care to admit, I watched the whole game. Prolly first time I watched one of my pitchers while listening to the opposing broadcast, but you cannot beat the Mets announcers for a broadcast booth or for stories about insane cocaine intake in the 80s. Wisler was dancing a 94 MPH fastball just at the knees, spinning a backdoor curve that had Neil Walker look more like Neil Statue. Duda? Go take a doodie, it’d be more productive than facing Wisler! Asdrubal? Well, he actually hit the ball hard. Quite a few Mets did. It was like, “Matthew! Damn, I think I caught something,” and the Braves would look up with a ball in their glove. So, Wisler’s performance last night was a gorgeous line, but I wouldn’t go near him outside of the deepest of leagues. In shallower leagues, Matthew? God bless you for last night, but I don’t need those tissues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?