Our 2017 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode.  I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up!  They said, “To the world, I’m Anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.”  Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing!  As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators!  I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers!  I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers!  I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2017 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Kanye’s Runaway:

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So the title is a bit of a superlative.  What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?”  You’ll get over your scoffing; I have faith in you.  This is the best 2017 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2017 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2017 fantasy baseball.  Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be sorta terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is.  If I took Carlos Correa in the 2nd round, everything after would change.  If I took Arenado in the 1st round, everything after would change.  I’ve previously gone over my 2017 fantasy baseball draft prep for the first few rounds and pitchers pairings.  For this exercise, I’m taking Mike Trout first, because, well, I have him first overall.  Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks.  It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Scherzer and Kershaw in the first two rounds and I was able to take Rougned Odor in the 2nd round (which is very likely), but since Trout and him are in my first 14 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both.  Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken.  People tend to look at team need over value.  So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks.  Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 300, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team.  Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward.  Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky.  It should still be my ideal team… Or not.  Let’s see, shall we?  Bee tee dubya, this team is 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (go sign up or start a league).  Anyway, here’s the best 2017 fantasy baseball team:

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If you’re like me on most Fridays, you’re sitting in your car beneath an underpass and writing ALF fan fiction, but today we have a different type of fantasy for you to engage in.  No, not your fantasy where it’s you and that girl from high school in a tub of Alphabet Soup and you write her a love letter on her back in noodles!  This is a fantasy baseball fantasy!  Because you know what would be really cool?  If you could join a fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 1000 other fantasy baseball teams.  But not a 1000-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, the Corpus Christi Amscrayers.  No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 90 other leagues of twelve.  That would be cool.  Oh, wait, we’ve done that.  It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it!  For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league!  That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences).  Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day.  As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon.  Or womon, for our five girl readers.  It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues. Before you close all of your extraneous porn windows and rush to sign up, let’s explain how these fantasy baseball leagues are going to work.  We’re going to have a bunch of leagues and crown a winner from each, then we’re going to crown ONE winner from all of the winners.  We will be crowning the winner by taking each team’s points and multiplying it against a ‘league competitiveness factor.’  If you want to see how it worked last year, go here.  So we’re going to fill up as many fantasy leagues as we can for the next seven weeks.  Each fantasy baseball league will be a mixed league, 12 team, snake draft, roto, 5×5, 5 OFs, one Middle Infielder, one Corner Infielder, one Utility, 9 pitchers, 20 game eligibility, 180 Games Started max, 1000 IP minimum. Like last year, we will again be going with TWO DL SLOTS. The only things you need to change from the default settings is the 180 Games Started and the TWO DL SLOTS.  Please be vigilant about having the exact same league rules and setup as everyone else. The lineup is also known as:  C/1B/2B/SS/3B/CI/MI/5 OF/UTIL/9 P/3 BENCH/2 DL with 180 Games Started and 1000 IP minimum.  The fantasy leagues will be played in ESPN and they will be free to join.

We’re going to start with twenty leagues of 12 and see how we do from there. To join a league… Sorry, again for the people in the back of the room:

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To say Daniel Murphy is a schmohawk transcends fantasy baseball.  Murphy said he disagrees with the gay lifestyle, but loves all people because he’s a Christian.  “What exactly is the gay lifestyle?” would’ve been the best followup question ever.  Daniel Murphy thinks for a moment, then thoughtfully says, “Dressing up in frilly crap, watching Queer as Folk reruns and eating D.”  Then, after a moment, “But I love all people!”  Or if a gay reporter said, “I’m gay and my lifestyle is watching sports, getting mustard on my old, brown tie, and I don’t even have Showtime.  Does my lifestyle bother you?”  Murphy pauses, then replies, “Yes, you eat D and I prefer ketchup on my hot dogs.  But I still love you.”  Every sport needs a bad guy, and that’s why baseball has everyone on the Yankees.  Daniel Murphy isn’t a bad guy, he’s just a douche, but, not that long ago, John Smoltz compared gay marriage to a person marrying an animal, so Murphy will probably be working Fox broadcasts in the near future, along with Pete Rose and A-Rod.  Fox:  We Hire Everyone MLB Asks Us Not To Hire.  Any hoo!  None of that matters for our purposes, or porpoises if dolphins are reading.  This is about what a schmohawk Murphy is for fantasy, that does matter for us.  Schmohawk lives matter!  Anyway, why is Daniel Murphy overrated for 2017 fantasy baseball?

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Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best.  The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2017 fantasy baseball.  I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you.  Just a BS.)  Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.)  What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first.  I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too.  I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them.  We’ll see!  Or not.  Your choice.  (Actually, my choice.)  For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2017 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2017 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2017 fantasy baseball.  I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Assuming ESPN ever opens its doors again.)  Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2017 fantasy baseball drafts:

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For these pitcher pairings, I’m going to be using our (my) 2017 fantasy baseball rankings.  Notably, the top 20 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball, top 40 starters for 2017, top 60 starters for 2017 and the top 80 starters for 2017.  You can also just go to our Fantasy Baseball War Room.  Okay, formalities out of the way.  *rolls up sleeves, makes farting noise with hand under armpit, rolls down sleeve*   Let’s get busy!  Now, what is a pitcher pairing?  It’s your plan for putting together a fantasy staff.  A course of action.  If you have A pitcher, which B, C, D, E and F pitcher goes with him?  Which is different than ‘F this pitcher,’ that’s what you say in May.  You should have six starters.  The sixth starter is Blake Snell or take whoever you want.  I suggest an upside pick.  Snell comes to mind.  Or Mike Montgomery.  Daniel Norris also comes to mind.  I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5 and some variation of 9 pitcher leagues like the Razzball Commenter Leagues.  Speaking of which, the RCL league signups will began as soon as ESPN opens for business. (NOTE: What you are about to read is massively confusing.  If it were found scribbled in a notebook, the FBI would be watching me.  If Charles Manson stood up and read this at the next prison Meet N’ Greet, no one would blink an eye.)  Anyway, here’s pitcher pairings for pitching staffs for 2017 fantasy baseball drafts:

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The Fantasy Baseball War Room is back!  I’m not saying the Fantasy Baseball War Room is back, as in, is a butt.  So, if Sir Mix-A-Lot is reading, I’m truly sorry for the confusion.  Our Fantasy Baseball War Room is one part draft tool, one part fantasy team evaluator, one part fantasy junkie’s s’s and g’s tool, one part holy, two parts smokes, three parts… How many parts is that so far?  Cause it’s only really seven parts total.  I think there’s one part kill-your-day-with-this-war-room-thing-a-maboob-as-a-pinwheel-spins in there too.  Essentially, this helps you practice building a fantasy baseball team.

If you’re unfamiliar with our Fantasy Baseball War Room, it’s a draft tool to help you track where you are at any moment in a draft.  It shows you if you have too many steals, homers… Or if your ERA or WHIP are too low.  Or too high.  Or if your lamb is still rare or should be turned (results vary on lamb).  If you’ve already drafted a team, go into the War Room, enter your team and it shows you exactly how stacked/dreadful the team is.  If you’re in the middle of a draft, you can filter which guys are left that have the most home runs according to my projections.  Or the most steals, or the most runs or the most whatever (only applicable if “Whatever” is a category in your league).  If you’re in a bind, go into a Warm Room and take a shvitz.  Ah…That’s better!  There might be some bugs in our Fantasy Baseball War Room, just comment here and we’ll look into fixes.  The default projections are mine from the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings.  Also, Rudy’s projections are now up!  They can be found at my ranking page that I just linked to or here:  hitter projections and pitcher projections.  There, you’ll see rankings for every conceivable league (OBP, OPS, Holds, etc).  Anyway, here’s the step by step instructions on how to use the Fantasy Baseball War Room:

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Today, is the day in history known as, “Aw, sookie sookie, don’t need the nookie, Grey’s giving me a fantasy baseball cookie.”  Or, more succinctly, the top 500 for 2017 fantasy baseball.  A few years ago, the top 500 was only a top 300 for fantasy baseball.  Before that, it was 16 AD and I was rolling with Jesus to this deli that had great matzoh ball soup.  In a few years from now, this is going to be a top 10,000 and I’m going to be ranking Mike Trout Jr. Jr. Jr. the 15th.  Today, in this year, seventeen after twenty, comes the top 500 for 2017 fantasy baseball.  Or as I like to call it, from Mike Trout A to chimpanzee.  Actually, I don’t call it that.  So, this post isn’t meant to send shockwaves through your system.  The pipe cleaner that the doctor uses to get the clogged wax from your ears is meant for that.  This is simply to give you an idea of where guys are ranked in relation to other positions.  I.e., you know I like Francisco Lindor better than Corey Seager, according to the top 20 shortstops, but do I like Lindor better than Joey Votto?  Okay, it’s not that simply.  You’ll notice after the top 200, positions start to get clumped together.  I might be the only fantasy baseball ‘pert to tell you this, but it doesn’t matter where, say, Eric Thames is ranked vs. Daniel Norris.  If you need a pitcher, Thames isn’t going to help you.  He can be ranked 75 spots in front of Norris and it doesn’t matter.  That’s why I have the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings broken down by positions.  If you need a 1st baseman, where Justin Bour vs. Greg Bird matters, but where Bour vs. Brian McCann is really doesn’t matter.  Also, there’s no comments about players, which you really should know prior to drafting.  In other words, Jose Bautista might be in the early 100s overall, but am I drafting him?  Well, you’d know if you read the top 40 outfielders.  There’s also a top 100 for 2017 fantasy baseball to help you.  Along shortly will be a Fantasy Baseball War Room and a pitchers pairing tool.  Anyway, here’s the top 500 for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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One word about this top 100 for 2017 fantasy baseball, before I give you another 5,000 words.  I’m going to avoid repeating myself from the position rankings in the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings.  If you want to know my in-depth feelings about a player, then you need to go to his positional page, i.e., the top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball, the top 20 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball, the top 20 Gucci handbags for 2017– Ah, I almost got you.  This post is meant to give you an idea where guys from different positions are in relation to each other.  Since this post is only the top 100, there’s more players where this came from.  416 more, to be very exact.  Next up, there will be a top 500 that will go to 516.  Then, after that, there will be a top 7,500, then a top 25,000, then a top 600,000, until we end up with a top kajillion in April.  Or maybe I’ll stop at the top 500.  Yeah, that makes sense.  Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel.  Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2017 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.”  Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters.  Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter!  Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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With these top 100 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball, I’ve finished our (my) 2017 fantasy baseball rankings for positions.  Still coming will be a top 100 overall and top 500 to see how all the positions mesh together like your mesh Redskins jersey that meshes with your burgundy sweatpants.  Trust me, when you see how long this post is, you’ll be glad I kept this intro short.  As always, my projections are included, and where I see tiers starting and stopping.  If you want an explanation of tiers, go back to the top 10 overall and start this shizz all over again.  Anyway, here’s the top 100 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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