Here’s a bad thing — I’m already excited about drafting Avisail Garcia. I’m writing this in November and posting it in December and am already excited about him. This is dangerous. My expectations are already through the roof. I just have this feeling that this is gonna spell D-O-O-M. See, I can’t have anything nice. Watch a story come out that Avisail and his brother, Jpegsail, are in some kind of weird fishing accident and get arrested with a megaton of weed. Or something. Something will happen. Though, I’m praying and vsdnjs;nzwc — Oops — and crossing my fingers that nothing happens to Avisail. That he makes it to Opening Day as the starting right fielder for the White Sox and batting third. Yes, third. Who else is batting in that lineup? Jose Abreu? I went over my Jose Abreu fantasy and he can be solid, but he’s more of a cleanup hitter. Maybe Avisail is batting 2nd. But there’s no way he’s below fifth. Beckham’s three shades of crizzap, Alexei Ramirez is a’ight but not a three hole hitter, Dunn and Konerko are either gone or hot garbage that is four years past its born-on date and Viciedo is great…every three weeks for two days at a time. Who else is batting third? Phegley? Why? The White Sox need someone whose last name sounds like it’s being pronounced with a fur ball in your mouth? Avisail Garcia will have every opportunity to succeed, so what can we expect of him in 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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Maybe I’m a little superstitious. Maybe I’m just like my father — 2 bold. Whatever the case is, last year I kicked off the fantasy baseball sleeper series with Eric Hosmer after he absolutely ripped my heart out of my chest like he was Mola Ram and I was Short Round in the Temple of Doom. This year, I’m taking on the same tactic. I’m starting the fantasy baseball sleeper series with a guy that rained on my parade, then pushed aside my umbrella and whispered in my ear that it’s not raining, but I’m standing under a Port-A-John that has no floor. P to the erhaps, I’m just being a fool with Mike Moustakas. A lamb being led to the slaughter. But if I were a lamb being led to the slaughter by Moustakas, I’d end up shawarma, which is tasty. I can’t get past one big number from him last year — and, brucely, he only had one big number — 16.1%. That number sticks out to me. I’ll loop back to that number. Come with me, and you’ll see a world of pure imagination, where we imagine Moustakas not defecating on our teams. So, what can we expect from Mike Moustakas for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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This is a true story. In 1981, the St. Louis Cardinals bought a barrel of oil for $12, then sold that barrel of oil to OPEC for $13, netting the Cardinals one dollar. That one dollar was used by the Cardinals to buy a pack of gum that was used to repair a broken condom that was used by Albert Pujols’s father so there would be only one Albert Pujols and no competition for the best 1st baseman from 2001 thru 2011. Marxists and Capitalists have argued for years about the right of the Cardinals to use that dollar to stunt natural selection and why didn’t they just buy Albert Pujols’s dad one new condom rather than a pack of gum. This illustrates a very important point. You and I may want David Freese due to his position eligibility, but never underestimate the Cardinals ability to get the better side of a trade. If they’re smarter than OPEC, they’re smarter than us. Peter Bourjos is in the pile of scraps in mind that includes Brett Gardner and Michael Brantley as guys that I like a lot, maybe more than is reasonable. (BTW, my 2nd album that critics called ‘very emo’ is also called, Scraps In Mind. That’s purely coincidental.) Bourjos got a sleeper post from me for about three years in a row, though he had the misfortune of playing under The Sciosciapath, and The Sciosciapath doesn’t play the hitters he should — hello, Napoli. Bourjos had a 50-steal season in the minors one year. You don’t just lose that kind of speed, and, if you’ve ever seen him run out a triple, you know how crazy fast he is. Oh, and he’s not just SAGNOF. He also had 12 homers one year for the Angels. If he put together a 15-homer, 35-steal season, I wouldn’t be shocked. For 2014, I’ll give him the line of 74/12/58/.263/20 with a chance for much more. He’ll definitely be someone I’ll be looking at in all leagues. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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See Jesus Montero, see Mike Zunino…Shoot, see any young catchers. Don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on Riverside, catchers aren’t great guys to look at when they’re young. Defense is demanding for them. Have to handle the pitching staff. Have to bend down and shizz. It doesn’t seem like much fun. I don’t like bending down to look for a lost dog toy under the couch, imagine doing that for three hours a night. Blech. Get me a Barcalounger and put it behind home plate. Actually, I don’t want people to steal this invention that I’m going on Shark Tank with, but if you put a motor on a Barcalounger, you really never have to stand up again. A great year from a young catcher is handling the pitching staff and chipping in a homer here and there and a .240 average. I still don’t fully buy Yadier Molina’s stats the last few years, but let’s assume he is this good. For his first seven years, he never topped 8 homers or a .304 batting average. In his last three years, he hasn’t had a mark under either of those. If the pitchers are doing well and/or liking how the catcher is calling the game, catchers don’t have to hit, especially not when they’re first called up. This seems to go doubly for NL teams. BTW, try to say ‘doubly’ without sounding drunk. You can’t do it. So, expect nothing from Travis d’Arnaud. But if he backs into some stats (say, while sitting in a motorized Barcalounger), what can we expect of Travis d’Arnaud for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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You know who I feel bad for? The eight other Tigers that have to sit on the other side of the bench now to balance out Miggy so the bench-seesaw doesn’t topple. Prince Fielder was sent to the Tigers for a Player to be Named Later. The later was about thirty seconds when the Rangers said they would send Ian Kinsler. What? Someone had to offer a guy first. Okay, maybe it was Ian Kinsler that was sent for a Player to be Named Later and that later was ten seconds. There’s no way the Rangers and Tigers simultaneously said Prince Fielder and Ian Kinsler. I just don’t see how that could’ve happened. Only room for one Semien in the AL Central, I suppose. See, Prince Fielder’s middle name is Semien and there’s a Marcus Semien…is this getting better as I explain it? Don’t worry, I still have in my back pocket when Marcus Semien hits a game-winning home run — Semien, the shot sprayed ’round the world. Penthouse Letters will enjoy that. So, Prince Fielder in Texas just changes everything. They need to change the size of the door frames, they need to start making tofu cows… It’s gonna be a whole rigamarole! Obviously, this is a boon for his value. Last year, Comerica — or as people in Detroit call it, “The One Building That Isn’t Abandoned” — played better for homers and runs than Arlington, but that has more to do with the two clubs that were on the field. Put the Tigers lineup last year in Arlington and Arlington would’ve looked like it was a dome filled with helium. Historically, Arlington is great for a power hitter and once the summer hits, balls fly out. After Fielder alternated between great and solid seasons for his whole career, last year was supposed to be a great year, but it was merely a solid one, buoyed by counting stats. He shouldn’t have much problem bouncing back in 2014. He’ll still only be 30 years old and I don’t see him taking an extreme dive until around 32, if he can stay healthy. For 2014, I’ll give him the line of 89/33/108/.282/1. Definitely locks him into the top rounds and moves Miguel Cabrera back to first base, where he can hopefully stay healthy and drunk. More healthy than drunk, but who am I to judge? Nick Castellanos could now see a shot at 3rd base, but I don’t think the Tigers are done yet. Muahahahahaha…. Hmm, that evil laugh wasn’t totally necessary. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves and what they mean for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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The White Sox signed Jose Abreu to the biggest deal in the history of Cuban baseball if you don’t count the time Fidel, J. Edgar Hoover and a CIA operative, who went by the name of Billy, played a game of stick ball for who would be the patsy in the Kennedy assassination. Middle infielder Lee Harvey’s error let the game-winning run cross home and the rest is history. Jim Bowden believes Jose Abreu can hit 30 homers and a .310 average. This was after Abreu came out in favor of everyone driving Segways, so Bowden might’ve been partial. Oh, who are we kidding? Jim Bowden’s a gooftard who thought Elijah Dukes was the second coming of, well, Elijah. Abreu is a wild card like, really, any Cuban player. He could come in like a Puig and out like an El Duque. Speaking of Puig, Abreu has been better than him and Cespedes in his Cuban baseball career. Also, Abreu gets some rave reviews because he’s considered a ‘good kid.’ Yippee, let’s sing For He’s a Jolly Good Fella and let him bring in our mail when we’re out of town. Doesn’t mean anything. What means something is Abreu can be beat by 92+ MPH fastballs. That means he’s going to have to hit a lot of number 3, 4 and 5 starters. It’s doable, but he’s not going to hit .310 or 30 homers. Since he’s a first baseman, I see him around the Kendrys Morales/Mark Trumbo level. Definitely worth owning in all leagues, but depending on where you have to draft him there might be more risk than he’s worth. For 2014, I’ll give Jose Abreu the projections of 78/26/88/.268/2. Anyway, in other Cuban signings for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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Guess who’s back? *presses button on tape deck for my intro music, jams the buttons a few times trying to get it to work, calls up unemployed tape deck repairman, asks unemployed tape deck repairman why my tape deck doesn’t work, unemployed tape deck repairman patches me through to customer service person in India that his job was outsourced to, tries to communicate with Indian replacement tape deck repairman customer service agent, instead finds out about vacation rentals in Bangalore, gives up on tape deck* Forget the intro music; I’m having problems with my tape deck. I’m back, snitches! You miss me? I missed you too. Please stop touching my leg. I’m married now or as my new e-book title will be called, “Twenty-Two Days Left For An Annulment.” Now, I’ve gone over my Archie Bradley fantasy and Taijuan Walker fantasy and others. In the past, I’ve gone over what I think of rookie pitchers. They’re a lottery ticket that rarely pays dividends. I don’t mind grabbing one off waivers, but that’s usually all they’re worth. For every Jose Fernandez, there’s about three dozen Erasmo Ramirezes (Ramii?). There’s also a crapton of Carlos Martinezes. (Carlos Martini? Hey, Yovani Gallardo would like them. “I’ll have three Carlos Martinis and make them dirty.” That’s Yovani right before he’s about to drive home.) Rookie pitchers are guys that could be decent, but their usage is all over the map. Wacha would fall into this group too. With that said (reversal time!), I’m not sure why Jameson Taillon hasn’t been promoted to the majors yet. He doesn’t look like he needs to prove anything else in the minors. He could’ve helped the Pirates this year, and will help them next year. Only thing that was stopping the Pirates from promoting him was starting his arbitration clock. Like a Catholic school girl, the Pirates were trying to keep their booty to themselves for a little while longer. Why are all Pirates prudes? Cause they consider their booty a treasure. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. I’d imagine if the Pirates waited this long, they’re gonna go the same route in 2014 for the first two months. We won’t see Taillon in the majors until June. So, what can we expect of Jameson Taillon for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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We’re gonna try something different today. We’re not going to talk about a lot of extraneous shizz. We’re gonna talk about Yordano Ventura. We’re not going to talk about Ruben Studdard on The Biggest Loser and how his rolls have rolls while wishing he had a Rolls. We’re not going to talk about the newest season of The Voice and how Christina’s coaching style is to sing the songs better than the singtestants, how Blake and C. Lo can’t sing worth a lick and how Adam just purses his lips like Zoolander. We’re not going to talk about the new Drake album and how I’ve listened to it on repeat for the last three weeks. The Language is my jammie jam! No, we’re not going to talk about any of that. We’re especially not gonna talk about how I’m getting married tomorrow. HOLY EFFIN EFF ARE WE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT! Can we never talk about that? Is it too late to run off to Miami and be with Giancarlo forever and ever amen? We’re not gonna talk about any of that. We’re going to talk about Yordano Ventura or YoVe, which sounds like a black Jew kvetching. “Do you have to throw the no-look pass so hard? YoVe!” Did you know Sammy Davis Jr.’s favorite expression was YoVe? Of course, you didn’t know that because I just made it up. So, with all of that said about Yordano Ventura, what can we expect from him for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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Many of you (none of you) have been asking me the same question, day after day (no one’s asked me), when are you going to mustache model? The 2nd most asked question (that no one is asking) is when are we going to get another Donkey. We’ve had Adam Dunn, the Big Donkey. Mark Reynolds, the Mini Donkey. Ian Stewart, the Mini Mini Donkey. Donkeys can hit 35 homers, give a handful of steals and hit .240 while being at a corner infield position. (Dunn’s speed was when he was younger; he once stole 19 bases, and Stewart’s power was when it seemed like he could hit in the major leagues). It’s Donkey season and there’s a new Donkey. Miguel Sano is Donkey Jr. The Donkey Jr. show is near, and you don’t have to turn away in disgust from this donkey show hoping you get no unwanted fluids on your shirt. In fact, you may want to take part in it without feeling like you need to change your name and leave a note to your family for the disgusting display you took part in. So, what can we expect of Miguel Sano for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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