I sure wish Grey would do his 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. Wait, I am Grey and this is those rankings. Holy crapballs, this is the greatest day ever! Now, only 400,000 words more until I finish my top 400 and I’ll be done. Worst day ever! Damn, that excitement was fleeting. Well, not for you because you don’t have to write all the rankings. You lucky son of a gun! I wish I were you… *wavy lines* Hey, why am I balding and wearing sweatpants? *wavy lines* Hmm, maybe we’re okay with how we are. Now before we get into the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball (though I imagine every single one of you has skipped this intro paragraph), I’m gonna lay some ground rules. First, keep your hands and legs inside the trolley. Second, send me all your money. Damn, tried to trick you! Okay, here’s our fantasy baseball podcast. Here’s where you follow us on Twitter. Here’s where you follow us on Facebook. Here’s our fantasy baseball player rater. Here’s our fantasy baseball team name generator. Here is all of our 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. Here’s the position eligibility chart for 2014 fantasy baseball. And here is a picture of my son. What a punim! You may not get all of those links in such a handy, easy-to-use format ever again this year, so make proper note. Now my expositional half insists I breakdown some generalizations about these 2014 fantasy baseball rankings. The 2014 fantasy baseball rankings will be an ever-evolving mass like the blob. This fantasy baseball top 10 for 2014 list is as of right now and could potentially change with a big injury or Mike Trout quitting baseball because he’s bored with being the best and wants to play competitive Mahjong. So while it is the 2014 fantasy baseball gospel, take it with a tablet of salt. Tomorrow we will cover the rest of the top twenty for 2014 fantasy baseball, then we will go around the horn with a top 20 list for every position. Then for pitchers and outfielders, I’ll turn the dial to 100. Listed next to each player are my 2014 projections. Did I consult with whoever else does projections? It would be ignorant not to, but in the end they are my projections. Players need 10 games at a position to get included in the positional rankings. Finally, as with each list in the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings, I will be mentioning where I see tiers start and stop. I look at tiers like this, if Miguel Cabrera and Mike Trout are in the same tier, it doesn’t matter if one guy is ranked 1st and one guy is ranked 2nd, they’re both very close. It comes down to personal preference. I would prefer the guy at number one better than the guy at two, but you do you, I’ll do me and let’s hope we don’t go blind. Anyway, here’s the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s a benefit to playing for the Marlins besides learning the value of having to buy your own equipment and refreshments. “Guys, money’s tight, you’re gonna have to bring your own Gatorade from now on.” That’s a Marlins exec on the first day of the spring. The other benefit is the Marlins don’t care what the hell you do as long as you’re playing for the salary minimum. You know that guy who always brought Popov back to the dorm room? Did he return from the liquor store saying it would go best with orange juice? Nope. Popov was proven to cause cancer in vermin, but it got you drunk and was cheap. That’s the Marlins team. And sometimes the Marlins, like Popov, cause projectile vomiting and lead you to wonder how you ended up with so much orange and teal in your closet. The Marlins don’t care if Christian Yelich hits. He will play every day because he’s cheap. Since we don’t need to collect every 20% off Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon we’ve ever received in the mail when we put together our fantasy team, the cheap thing doesn’t matter to us. It does matter when you’re wondering if Yelich will get 550 ABs and hit in a relatively good spot in the lineup. Who else are they moving up in the order? Ed Lucas? You throw Lucas the ball because he can’t hit it. Casey McGehee? I just vomited onto my bathroom mirror and it spelled out, “Gross.” Adeiny Hechavarria? More like Adon’tthinkso Hereallysucks. So, what can we expect from Christian Yelich for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I am most excited about drafting Jedd Gyorko. I am most confident that first sentence sounds best if said in an Apu or Balki Bartokomous voice. Surprised that Gyorko feels like he’s under the radar still even though he had 23 homers in only 125 games and for about a month after he returned, he was playing hurt. Playing Hurt was also the lead single off my 2nd album, “My Heart Goes Poof When You Smoke Out My Hormone Juice.” It didn’t sell well, let’s move on. 23 homers in 125 games at 2nd base. Let that sink in for a second. Sunk yet? Not stunk? No. Sunk. As in sunkpendous. How is he under the radar?! Seriously, I interrobang that. It makes no sense. Or no cents if you only deal in paper money. Oh, and he’s eligible at 3rd base in some leagues. Do you people have any idea what a wasteland 2nd and 3rd base is this year? Well, you’ll have a better idea on Monday when I release my rankings, but take my word for it right now — it’s a wasteland like New Jersey after a good rain. Anyway, what can we expect from Jedd Gyorko for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last year, Brad Miller hit 20 homers and stole 11 bases while hitting over .300. Right now, you’re thinking how is this guy even a sleeper? He should be a top five guy at shortstop. I know what you’re thinking because I’m sitting in your head. Sorry about that whole spilling my Jamba Juice on your medulla oblongata. My bad! There’s one little problem with that 20 homers, 11 steals, .300+ average stat line. That’s adding together his minor and major league numbers. That’s wrong. Or as they say in North Korea, that’s un-Jongy. In 102 games between Triple-A and the majors, Miller had 14 homers and 7 steals. Still not really bad. Unless bad is not bad but bad is good–Scratch that, if bad is good then it’s still not really bad. It’s solid, better than decent — or becent to be more portmanteauy. Fortunately for us, Miller only had 8 homers and 5 steals in the majors. That’s not going to raise too many eyebrows about drafting this guy. Then you throw in that going after a Mariner hitter not named Cano is about as appealing as Carol Channing sans makeup, and people shouldn’t be that crazy excited about Miller, so that makes him a sleeper, but what can we expect of Brad Miller for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Sciosciapath, Arte Moreno and Arte Moreno Jr., played by Scott Schwartz (Flick from A Christmas Story and later the porn movie, A Trystmas Story), got together and declared their starting right fielder. You know what they say: just about half of opportunity and fortunately are ortun.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rarely do I double dip on sleepers. If they don’t pan out the year I tap them on the shoulder with my sleeper amulet, there’s an issue that usually makes them suspect for the following year too. That brings us to my favorite sleeper from 2013 that failed to live up to expectations, Todd Frazier. If you just rolled out of a 12-month coma, it’s like nothing’s changed, except your family was sick of waiting for you to wake so they drew faces on coconuts and moved on to a new father who isn’t emotionally detached. That’s not your kid, that’s a coconut. Don’t worry, the guy with the creepy voice on Dateline will do you justice when he tells your life story. In 2013, Frazier hit 19 homers, which matched his 2012 total, but in 2012 he only had 422 ABs and last year he had 531. The batting average took a real spin around the toilet bowl and flushed out a stank .234 after he hit .273 the previous year. Obviously, Frazier’s not coming out of 2013 without his Napoleonic-sized hemorrhoids, but he can Prep-H those and still set things right. So, what can we expect from Todd Frazier for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The night before I wrote this post I had a dream that Matt Adams was painted green from head to toe and sitting above Mike Matheny who was dressed as Princess Leia in a bikini as I bartered for the return of the carbon-frozen Grady Sizemore, after we went nipple shopping and Matt Adams decided on silver dollar ones. I think I have to do less Soda Streaming prior to bedtime. At least I wasn’t dreaming about Candy Crush. (BTW, if you’re seeing the symbol for AT&T and thinking it looks like a blue striped candy, you need other hobbies. Totally speaking from experience here.) Let’s see if we can get excited about Matt Adams without picturing him slowly unlatching his bra. Last year, Fatt had more homers than anyone with so few plate appearances (the only other players that were even close were Hanley Ramirez and Wilson Ramos). In just 319 plate appearances, he hit 17 homers. This comes in an era when 24 homers is a lot — hey, Joey Votto, I’m subtly looking in your direction. Adams also hit .284 with a ton of counting stats for the amount of plate appearances he saw. Then again, everyone on the Cardinals had counting stats last year. Matt Adams, I understood the most. He loves ribbies. Anyway, what can we expect from Matt Adams for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Wilson Ramos smells of Salvador Perez. A catcher that could be drafted as a fringe top ten catcher with the chance of performing as a top five catcher. I take my Latin catchers’ abuelitas seriously, and so should you after Salvador Perez lost two months last year when his Maw-Maw passed. Luckily, Wilson Ramos has two extremely healthy abuelitas. One abuelita just did the Baja California 5K, and his other abuelita likes to cook fattening foods, but she will be staying with me all next summer if I draft Wilson so I can keep an eye on her and her health. Lupe Ontiveros, his maternal abuelita, said, “I feel as good as a mule piñata stuffed with nails and could probably live for another twenty years.” Let’s not push it, Lupe! Just get us through 2014, that’s all we ask. Last year channeling the strength from his two healthy abuelitas, Ramos put on a show, hitting 16 homers in only 78 games, while ranking in the top ten for all of baseball in home run distance. Didn’t have any negatives, other than the one thing that has haunted him for his whole career. Unlike his abuelitas, he has a hard time staying healthy. It’s been about three years since he’s played a full season, and he’s never played more than 113 games in a major league season. So, what can we expect from Wilson Ramos for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Grey, sometimes I look into your eyes and I see a land with marshmallow-topped trees and lots of fake-breasted women. Any the hoo! Who can be this year’s Matt Harvey?” That’s you when you’re being real with yourself. Sonny Gray can be this year’s Matt Harvey. I don’t even know if he’s going to be a sleeper, but my guess is he won’t be ranked in the top ten for all starting pitchers, but could end up there by the end of the year, so that ups his sleeperitude, which is like pulchritudinous because it looks like it would be a negative or some rare disease, but it’s one of the greatest compliments that can’t be pronounced by most people. Sleeper-a-tude? Sleepery-tude? Sleep-er-eye-tude? Don’t even get me to try and pronounce pulchritudinous. I can’t even spell it without copying and pasting it from Google. Sonny Gray doesn’t get touched by my soft hands on his subtle features simply because he sounds like he’s related to me or because he tried in earnest to grow a mustache. We’re not that shallow here — though, I will say a land of marshmallow-topped trees and fake-breasted women does sound wonderful. So, what can we expect from Sonny Gray for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Dancer! On Prancer! On–Oh, I didn’t hear you come in. Welcome, reader! Grab some egg nog and brandy it up to the fire. You look festive. I love that Rudolph tongue ring, though not as much as I love reading discussion about the new iPhone commercial, Misunderstood. When I first saw it, the first thing I thought was, “How sweet, a baby-faced lesbian has made a video for her much older lesbian girlfriend’s family.” Only later did I realize it’s a teenaged boy and his mom. That’s the great thing about Christmas, no matter what your interpretation is, it’s all about commercialism. The 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are not far away. Right now, January Grey is throwing darts at a board to figure out where to rank Coco Crisp. Exciting! In the meantime, let’s look at the players who have multiple position eligibility for this upcoming 2014 fantasy baseball season. This took me far longer than it probably should’ve. Can’t someone write me a program that sorts all the players by games played at a position? Why do I need to go through every player on every roster? It totally harshes my buzz. I did this list of multi-position eligible players because I figured it would help for your 2014 fantasy baseball drafts. I’m a giver, snitches! Happy Holidays! I only listed players that have multiple position eligibility of ten games or more played outside of their primary position. Not FIVE games at a position, not six, definitely not seven. Ten games. 10, the Laurel & Hardy of numbers. So this should cover Yahoo, ESPN, CBS, et al (not the Israeli airline). Yes, Christmas came a day early this year. Players with multiple position eligibility are listed once alphabetically under their primary position. On a different post, I’ll make some comments about some of the players. In the mean’s while, you make comments in these comments. Say that fast 117 times! Anyway, here’s all the players with multiple position eligibility for the 2014 fantasy baseball season and the positions they are eligible at:Please, blog, may I have some more?