It feels like only yesterday J.D. Martinez injured himself, and it was yesterday if you were roofied. In his place, Steven Moya is filling in admirably. Yesterday, he went Yardo Montalban as he Tattooed the ball two times. Da plane, da plane…is flying right next to Moya’s homers! My dear guests! I am Mr. Albright, your host. Welcome… to Fantasy Baseball! Smiles, everyone, smiles! No, seriously, smile, you paid a lot of money for those caps. Moya now has three homers in his last three games, and if baseball is a game of inches, Moya’s got a lot of ’em. 79 inches to be exact. Not saying he’s John Holmes, he’s six-seven and looks like an easy 35-homer hitter. I watched him hit a ball the other way and he was like, “Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll hit this one out.” He looks like the kind of guy that could twelve homers in a month. If you’re power-starved, or just bored and wanna pick up a new player, I’d grab Moya. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Evidently, Corey Kluber made some sort of promise to the city of Cleveland too, and not just to Kl-Uber Drew Carey home any time he sees him drunk-wandering in downtown Cleveland. Yesterday, Kluber went 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA at 3.59. So, I’m going to get completely unscientific, then scientific, then mix the two, Grey says sounding like Don Herbert. (If you knew who Don Herbert was, you are old and a nerd.) Unscientifically, Kluber will have an ERA around 3.60 this year. He’ll throw a gem, get the ERA down to 3.40, then throw a stinker and the ERA will rise. It will go on like this all year, because that’s what he’s done so far. Then he will figure out if he drops his arm angle a little, due to the earth being flat, it will add more spin and he’ll have an ERA under zero in September. Again, that was unscientific. Scientifically, his peripherals looks as good as any previous year. His velocity is a notch off previous seasons, but his 9 K-rate, 1.9 BB/9 and 3.27 xFIP are excellent. So, he should be better than he has been, and could end up with a 3.20 ERA with 250 Ks. Now, to mix the two methods, Kluber will match his 3.27 xFIP, and on off days, picket Phil Collins’ house with Carl Everett, with a sign reading, “The Book of Genesis Doesn’t Have Liner Notes.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s time we address the elephant in the room. Not you, Sandoval. I mean that one-time absurdist comedian and Red Sox knuckleballer, Steven Wright, has a 2.01 ERA in almost 100 IP after yesterday’s line of 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Red Sox are so happy with him they are currently combing the minor league rosters for other Boston comic namelgangers, except for any Dane Cooks because people are going to see his Shocker pitch from a mile away. Denis Leary has some decent pitches he stole from other pitchers, and he keeps trying to smoke his teammates’ chew. While Lenny Clarke is a Quad-A pitcher, who everyone says is a great teammate, a real pitcher’s pitcher. None are Steven Wright though. Christian Vazquez came up to the mound during yesterday’s game and told Steven Wright he could throw a knuckleball at any time, and Steven Wright said, “I decided to throw one during the Renaissance.” I did some dirty math on my own fantasy team where I have a 4.03 ERA (yup, my pitching is a mess!). If I had Steven Wright on my team, I’d have a 3.74 ERA — a quarter of a run better — and an extra three points. So, as a Bostonian would say, fahk me for not picking him up in April. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You have Eugenio Suarez as your middle infielder and are growing bored, so you check out The Replacements, and there’s so many possibilities. Anything you want, dear, is fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Everything you say, dear, I’ll buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, goodbye Eugenio. He was merely a steward to better things. Sorry, too formal, he was a waiter in the sky. He played/was fair, don’t wanna complain. Don’t want to treat him like a bum, don’t wanna ask Cougs and Ted who I should pick up in case of a tie. Now, I like what I hear about Tim Anderson. If bein’ wrong’s a crime, I’m waiver wiring forever. If bein’ strong’s your kind of pick up, then I need help here this Tim’s got power like a feather. If bein’ afraid is a crime, put the two players side by side. Cause Tim’s at the SAGNOF party down the line. So, Tim Anderson is just steals? Well, not entirely, but that’s what he mostly is. He can also hit for a solid average. In the minors the last three years, he hit .364, .312 and .304. The Honkey Sox seem happy to try him at leadoff, and, with his batting average skills, he should stick there. The speed is real — stealing 49 bases last year in the minors. I’d absolutely take a flyer on him for speed alone. South Park isn’t the only place that has a Tim A. with wheels. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just Damn. Just Doh. Just Don’t-tell-me-he’s-out-for-the-year. Just Depression. Just Difficulty-feeling-happiness. Just Dis-stress-is-stressing-me-out. Just D-negative-words-in-the-thesaurus. Just Dissolvent. Just Did-you-say-dissolvent? Just Don’t-stop-hugging-me-with-your-eyes-Ted-I-can’t-be-alone-right-now. A fractured elbow for J.D. Martinez. It happened when he ran into a wall. Apparently, the wall doesn’t own him. I hate you, wall! “If he dies, he dies.” Oh my God, the wall is imitating Ivan Drago! I knew it! The wall is a Russian super-villain. Martinez will head for a CT scan. I don’t know how long he’ll be out with a fractured elbow, but it sounds like it will be a while. Let’s join in the shape of a parallelogram and pray. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oh my God, Drew Smyly is more like Smyly Corleone. Every time you think you’re out, he pulls you right back in. Fredo, you went against the family, and we can’t have that. “Smyly, is that you? Why do you keep calling me?” That’s Alfredo Griffin getting annoyed with Smyly Corleone. “I made them offer at a pitch they couldn’t refuse.” Seriously, stop Smyly Corleone! So, there’s always one pitcher (sometimes more than one) that befuddles and seduces, seduces and befuddles. Justin Masterson carried the torch for a while when he was Justin Masterson: Passive Aggressive Starter. Now, Drew Smyly seems to be carrying that same damned if you do, damned if you don’t torch. Yesterday, his line was 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners with 12 Ks. On the year, his K-rate and walk rate are 10.3 and 2.2. Those are ace numbers. Unlike a lot of other big strikeout guys and actual aces, Smyly doesn’t throw very hard and seems to tire after about two starts in a row. His ERA on the year is 4.75, but that’s absurd, as in I will absurd you while you’re on waivers. But, ugh, that K-rate, that walk rate, it’s hard for me to resist and if he was dropped in your league, I could see giving him another chance, but I’d be wary of matchups because I just don’t see him overpowering most teams when he’s not working on ten days rest. He just doesn’t throw hard enough. I.e., leave the speed gun, take the cannoli. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jonathan Papelbon hit the DL and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Though, I’m using the archaic definition of nicer. An adjective which was once described a jerk off who went to Nice, France and hurled insults. Example, A nicer man would stand on the curb as Gerard Depardieu passed on his bicycle, screaming, “You are the fattest frog I’ve ever seen and I once force fed a frog to make frog foie gras.” Filling in for Papelbon will be Shawn Kelley and Felipe Rivero. Rivero is a lefty, so his best hope for saves is a 9th inning that is lefty heavy like my Facebook feed from my Bernie Sanders-supporting friends. Of course, Dusty said he wouldn’t commit to any one replacement because Dusty’s gonna Dusty. He cited other possible candidates to close like Blake Treinen and Sammy Solis. I wonder if Dusty knows that’s not the slugger he once managed in Chicago. “Sammy Solis, you came up short with McGwire, but I need you to close out this game. By the way, go easier on the skin whitening.” That’s Dusty while juggling the toothpick in his mouth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Aw, man, now we’re left with the ominous team updates of “Giancarlo Stanton is not in lineup, no other news available.” I think I need to have a talk with him. Maybe I’ll hide in the trunk of his car and get out when he parks in his four-car garage, then go in through the kitchen that’s got the espresso machine on the left; not the kitchen with the soft-serve machine. What? I memorized his Cribs episode, I never snuck in his house. So, times are rough for Giancarlo. The Marlins score 13 runs and he’s not even playing. Holy sit! Giancarlo has the lowest batting average for a qualified hitter. Things are so bad, the other day he hit the hardest recorded ball in StatCast history, 123.9 MPH, and it was a double play. Digging through his numbers is a little bit encouraging. His BABIP is way below his career mark; he’s hitting .192, but could hit .250 the rest of the way. You don’t get him for average; it’s homers you desire like I desire him. His ground balls are through the roof. Not literally, unless we’re talking about roofs of ant farms. All he’s hitting is fly balls and ground balls. His line drive rate is poor. He usually kills fastballs. So far, he’s a negative on them. That was his bread and butter, and right now he’s toast. He’s 26 years old; this should be the prime of his beef. Instead, he’s been getting a steady diet of sliders. That’s not real beef! What I think is going on, he’s dealing with some health issues after his collision with OZUNA, he’s not spitting on sliders and waiting for fastballs. Then when he gets a fastball, he hits it hard, but gets unlucky. Can all of this be changed with me appearing mysteriously in his Snuggie? I’m not sure. The health is an unknown question mark. Eventually, he should get luckier and do damage on some fastballs, assuming he’s healthy. I wouldn’t count him out, but health has been an issue for him in the past. If I were able to get a tasty offer for someone buying him, I could see letting him be someone else’s problem. For now, I will wait in his bathroom wearing a shirt that matches his wallpaper, and try to ‘talk’ some encouragement into him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jake McGee hit the DL with a sprained MCL. Damn, 1150 was a very bad year for him. Wait, a new closer that no one owns is up for grabs! When this news broke, I was sitting in a French cafe, wearing a beret to the side, flicking a Virginia Slim 120 like a French baller. I immediately looked for Carlos Estevez, but he was gone. Then I looked for Jason Motte — gone! Then I looked for Boone Logan — there! So, I grabbed him, then I wept quietly. Was I really picking up the guy third down the SAGNOF totem for the Rockies? I’m such a pitiful save vulture. Get some dignity, man, you’re better than this, you’re rocking a beret and a Virginia Slim 120! After Saturday’s game, Walt Weiss announced Estevez would be the closer, so now, even more pitifully, I will be dropping Boone Logan, who got me a cheap vulture save on Sunday due to Estevez being used too many days in a row. That’s like the fantasy baseball walk of shame. Everyone who sees you drop the guy that doesn’t get the closer job knows full well that you desperately tried to make the wrong guy work. Now I have to pick up and drop twelve other guys to bury my move. The fantasy baseball shame cycle! As for Estevez, his outings will be like brother Emilio — short. His performances may be like brother Charlie’s relationships — rocky. Unlike his father, Martin, he will not be starring in an awful Netflix series canoodling with the DA from Law & Order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?