Yesterday, Matt Harvey met with the Mets’ front office and told them, “You ruined my shoulder! I was the Dark Knight! Now I’m 1960s Batman in hard-to-watch Technicolor unable to move my arms to do the Batusi!” Matt Harvey asked Bartolo if this ever happened to him and he said, “Nah, I am 90% jelly and custard. My nerves are coated in more sugar than a churro.” Harvey needs shoulder surgery due to thoracic outlet syndrome. Sandy Alderson said it’s inevitable. Pitchers who have had this surgery take at least a year to recover and sometimes never regain past form. It could not only be a season killer, it could be the end of Harvey as we know him. He could opt to rehab his shoulder without surgery, but rehabbing it won’t magically make his pitching better than he’s been all year, which is atrocious. If you don’t have DL room, I could see dropping him. Fun fact! You know who suffered from thoracic outlet syndrome? The Lispasaurus. Tiny arms, big body. Other dinosaurs pickin’ on ’em because of their lisp — why’d every dinosaur have to have an S sound in its name?! Total recipe for messed-up shoulders. “I hate Thoracic Park!” Spielberg can make a Thoracic Park movie where an injured pitcher tries to repair his relationship with his pre-teen son while genetically-modified dinosaurs chase after them. “I know I wasn’t there for you when you were growing up or for your keeper league team in 2014 or for that velociraptor attack 15 minutes ago, but I’m here for you now.” The boy looks up, “How did that velociraptor throw a Warthen slider?” The father responds, “He’s learning!” Seth Smith is working on the script. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With Tyler Glasnow being called up, let’s go over what we know so far about him. 1) In Triple-A, he had 113 Ks in only 96 IP. 2) He had a 1.78 ERA. 3) There’s no C, since we’re not even lettering these facts. D) And now we are lettering them, great! E) Glasnow enters to bagpipes and wears a kilt on the mound. F) This. I didn’t get him in one single league! G) Money. H) His command in Triple-A was wonky as all get-out — 4.9 BB/9. I) could see some major blowups if he loses command of the strike zone. J) abba the Hut failed with the Cookie Diet. K) Glasnow likely won’t pitch an entire season. L) M, N, O P Q) How many innings? Arrgh) Likely close to 50 IP S)o that’s still into September. T) for two! U) The letter U looks like Jon Niese looking down. V) What a great show! Remake it, again! W) Should officially change its name to Dubya. X) Marks that one spot where the two lines intersect or the entire area of the X? Y) Cause. Z) Yes, I’d grab Glasnow in all leagues. Prospector Ralph even ranked Glasnow number two for all the 2nd half fantasy baseball prospects, so you know shizz is real. AA) My name is Grey Albright– Oh, we’re done with the lettering. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Wade Davis hit the DL with a forearm strain. Brooks Pounders was called up in a corresponding move. Brooks Pounders is also my favorite AVN starlet. This sounds ominous for Davis, a forearm strain is not good for pitchers. A precursor for Tommy John surgery, they say. They also chew Copenhagen and call everyone kid. The one bright spot in this dark, gloomy sky is the backdating of the DL stint. Maybe, just maybe, Davis will return right after the All-Star break, when he’s eligible. Yes, he could only miss seven games from now. That skywriter is trailing smoke behind him, writing, “Hope Davis.” But maybe he ran out of fuel and was gonna write, “Hope Davis Will You Marry Me?” In Davis’s place, Joakim Soria or Kelvin Herrera will replace him. Kelvin is much better, so why ‘You must be Joakim’ at all? That hard-to-quantify, harder even to justify outside of your own front office, closer experience. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hey, Razzball Nation, you know it’s your favorite white boy, right? I owe you this one. I’ve been patiently waiting for Gregory Polanco to explode on. You can pfft if you want but his ankles were rolled on. It feels like Polanco has been hot for so long. If you thinking he’s gonna fall off, you’re so wrong. Take some Marte and Polanc and you mix them up in a pot, sprinkle a ‘little Hurdle not knowing who to bat where,’ and what you got? You got the realest and illest batters, juggernauts of this fantasy shizz like it or not! Seriously, I’ve been waiting all season to feature Polanco in a lede. Yesterday, he rained some of his own fireworks on the 4th of who-lie (that’s how I pronounce it), knocking out two home runs (2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers), and you might remember from my preseason rankings, this little beaut, “Two quick things: Yes, I’m aware that Polanco is ranked insanely high in my rankings vs. other people’s rankings. And, yes, I’m going to own Polanco on every team. Confession Alert! I had Polanco in the top 20 overall prior to seeing where others ranked him and moved him down a round. I could’ve moved him down six rounds and still had him higher than everyone. Polanco feels like an Arenado situation from last year. By that I mean, I will say something to another fantasy baseball ‘pert like, “Do you like Polanco?” They’ll reply, “Yeah, I love him.” I’ll follow up with, “Then why do you have him ranked 110 overall?” They’ll answer, “I don’t know.” Then my head will explode.” And that’s me mic dropping. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The day before our Independence Day, the Nationals exploded for six home runs, a fireworks display that would make the Grucci family jealous. The Grucci fireworks family has a fascinating history. Giuseppe Grucci in 1923 said to his momma, “I don’t want to be a two-bit gangster, cutting peoples’ fingers off for debt payment, I want to blow up thousands of fingers all across this great nation.” Then his mother smacked him and told him to finish his lasagna. Yesterday, Bryce Harper (2-for-4) hit his 17th homer, Wilson Ramos (3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 13th, Anthony Rendon (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 8th, but at the heart of the fireworks celebration was Danny Espinosa (4-for-5, 6 RBIs) with his 17th and 18th home run, and his 4th and 5th homers in the last four games. For those of you who think he’s a weekend hot bat, he hit .309 with nine homers in June. He’s only 29 years old and he is a guy that has seasons of 20+ homers and 20 steals. So, yes, you should own him. Fun fact! Did you know what they call a fireworks display on July 3rd? A premature ejacu-elation. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
At some point soon, the Yankees have to say to themselves, “Are we this stupid of an organization? We have a guy that is doing The Mashed Potato in the minors. Look at this…” Then a pile of balls that Aaron Judge hit are piled on the table, but instead of balls, they now look like mashed potatoes with stitches weaving throughout. “No, we didn’t have Lyle’s mom from accountant make a very long string of maraschino cherry stems tied together with her mouth. Those are baseballs with stitches that have been mashed by Judge.” One younger exec picks at a piece of mashed potato-baseball. “Stop picking at your food and eat it!” The young exec puts a piece of gummy baseball into his mouth. “I was kidding, you fool, it’s a baseball! You don’t eat that!” This has to happen soon. Aaron Judge is not getting any younger. Unlike me, I was 35 last year, and am 27 this year. Right now, he’s 24 years old and crushing pink cookies in Triple-A. The Yanks are nine games back and Tokyo drifting. No one on their team is young. Best move for them is to trade everyone or start benching guys to play Judge. Oh, and why do we care? Because Judge has Giancarlo-type power. He could hit 15 homers in a month. Fo’reallies. I have him stashed in one 12-team league, and I’d stash him in any league where I needed power. His time is nigh! Which sounds like something a Nazi would say, but it just means near. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The sixth inning of every home Clayton Kershaw start isn’t going to be the same. No longer will Angelenos be filing in as if it’s the first, suddenly realizing that Kershaw is pitching, but now they will be stuck talking about everything but baseball for the entirety of the game and not simply 95% of it. “Ma, can I keep score on the back of my headshot?” “We’re not here to see the game, Timmy, we’re here to run into commercial directors. This is where Stew’s mom got him that Tropicana commercial. You want to pay my bills, don’t you?” “Sorry, ma.” Like the oral sex scene in The World According to Garp, it’s a devastating blow losing Kershaw for any amount of time. He was diagnosed with a herniated disc, but won’t require surgery. The Dodgers are hoping he’s back (poor choice of words) from the DL right after the All-Star Game. I’d pray with you, but I’m using my hands to clap for not drafting a pitcher in the 1st round. The Dodgers did pick up Bud Norris in a trade to fill in. Won’t see any fall off there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times. Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog! Ruff ruff! Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!” This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs. I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together. Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters. So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season. He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday). Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years. It’s not uncommon for starters to power through. Would I look to sell Syndergaard low? No. If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not? No reason to panic. Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Brian Dozier went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (11, 12). Dozier’s quietly had a great June (7 HRs, near-.350), after having a miserable May (2 HRs, .215) and an atrocious April (3 HRs, .191). Who knows what July holds? Which sounds like the title for a piece of art done by Daniel Johnston. Let’s see, Daniel Johnston describing Dozier. “June is Fun! Fun! Fun! If I ever thought I could be happy, it was from Dozier. Fun! Fun! Fun! Oh! That rock and roll! It saves my soul! Owning Dozier in June, it must’ve been a happy time, Kool Aid flowing like wine, the bubble gum, forever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever after! Now I will get on a random bus in Austin and ride to New Mexico.” Oh, Daniel Johnston, you were taken from us way too soon. *sees he’s still alive* Okay, moving on. So, Dozier has turned his season around and is close to the same pace as his previous season stats (28 HRs, 12 SBs). Moreover, Dozier has cut his Ks by a lot, so he could hit for a better average this year (.250 vs. .235). Daniel Johnston might be onto something. About fun, fun fun not about getting on random buses. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s what I said this offseason, “Before watching the video on Lucas Giolito, I looked at his vitals. This is something I don’t usually do. Doesn’t really matter to me if a guy is six-foot-one or five-ten. But, dizzamn, Giolito is a strapping young man, huh? He’s listed at six-six and 230. He’s only 21 years old, but I think he’s done growing. Hopefully, cause his mom tells CBS Sports that his “feet already hang off the bed.” With a six-six frame, as you can imagine, he throws fast. (Christall Young is the exception that proves the rule, an idiom that never made any sense to me. If it’s an exception, how does it prove anything? It proves that there’s exceptions, but that’s about it, right? I’m gonna move on before my brain hurts in my thought-nodes.) Giolito hits 97 MPH on his fastball, which is actually up a tick from the previous year. If he keeps steadily increasing his fastball every year, by the time he’s 40 years old, he’s going to be throwing 117 MPH. He throws from nearly right over the top, so the ball fires downhill and hitters have about no chance of hitting it. A 9+ K/9 seems to be a given once he gets settled in the majors. With speed comes no control, to sound like a drunk Yoda. Or does it?! Snap, reversed on that. No, Giolito has control too. 97 MPH with command? I’ll say it for you, hummna-hummna. Oh, and his strikeout pitch is his hard breaking curve. In 20 years, Al Pacino could be playing the role of a Hall of Fame pitcher in the film, Giolito’s Way. Assuming Pacino has eighteen-inch stilettos. He could be special, and TMZ spotted Pacino shopping for eighteen-inch stilettos, so that could be a good sign.” And that’s me quoting me! He should be added in all leagues, like yesterday. To put just the tiniest bit of dampers in these happiness diapers, Kershaw had a 4.26 ERA his rookie year in 107 2/3 IP. Rookies give roofies and take your kidneys. Hashtag truth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?