Last year, Avisail Garcia hit seven homers and stole four bases. Whoopie dee do da, who cares?! Moving on! I got a mani-pedi in fifteen minutes, got no time for you! Oh, wait, that was in only 46 games because he was injured. ncjakw– Sorry, my drool was hitting the keyboard. At least I think that’s my drool. Let me taste it. Salty… Ew, gross! Get your mind out of the gutter! It’s my drool, I just ate a Bavarian pretzel! Avisail is so good he made the team without putting on a uniform, went nuts and rode a unicorn through the storm. Avisail’s about to go crazy, but where did you go? Avisail’s about to go crazy, but where did you go? Avisail’s about to go crazy, but where did you go? Avisail’s about to go crazy, damn Hanley’s lazy! Sorry, I was just listening to Atmosphere. Check out this future shizz from September Grey last year, “(Avisail) was a preseason sleeper this year, and he will be again in fifteen-after-twenty because he missed five months this year with an injury. Yes, he looks like Miggy, but he doesn’t act like Miggy. He’s a 20/20 type guy without killing you on average. In this injury-plagued year, his stats don’t look exactly as he has in the past, but that’s probably due to shutting it down in April and starting it up in August. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a few years we look back at this year and see how it didn’t portend anything. Unless he really did learn how to take a walk, as he’s shown this year. Though, I kinda doubt it. I expect he’s a line drive machine, 17-20 homer and 15-steal guy with a solid-enough average. Think what you were expecting from Michael Brantley rather than what you ended up with.” And that’s me quoting me! So, what can we expect of Avisail Garcia for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Apparently, another name I have for sleepers are guys that were supposed to be good last year and ended up yawnstipating. A.J. Pollock, or as my slightly racist grandfather would call him, That Pollock, didn’t meet expectations last year, putting up 7 homers, 14 steals and a .302 average. Or did he…? Damn, you reversal question. You know, I was going along fine before you came along and had me doing a logic U-turn. No, he didn’t meet expectations, but he also only played in 75 games due to a fractured right hand. Let’s be clear, he missed three months with a fractured hand. One presumably uses a right hand to bat with. Si or no si? Si, si. One also would lose timing from missing three months. Si or no si? Si, si. So, Pollock, or as my slightly racist grandfather would call him when he’s in a bad mood, That Filthy Pollock, didn’t really have a bad year. He actually had a solid year when you consider he missed so much time with such a serious injury. If he played in 150 games…Well, don’t even make me pull out the prorating. Shizz gets downright beautiful. Prorating is dangerous. Prorating can get you in a world of trouble. “My girl is so pretty for those ten minutes right after she comes out of the beauty salon. If she were that pretty all the time…” Now, you’ve just prorated yourself into marrying some girl you met in a bowling alley. However, it is totally fine to prorate your love-making ability. “Yes, that was only three minutes this time, but imagine that again for ten, fifteen or even twenty minutes!” So, what can we expect of A.J. Pollock for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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I already went over my Aaron Sanchez fantasy for 2015 and now it’s Drew Hutchison‘s turn. Marcus Stroman might be next. I’m a little in love with all the young pitchers in Canada. Maple Leaf Life! That’s what my so-very-not-gangster chest tattoo says. “Hey, what’s up Hologram Tupac, you’re Thug Life and I’m Maple Leaf Life, you wanna play pinball?” That’s me trying to hang out with Hologram Tupac. Why is there not a hologram for every dead celebrity? Did the world drop the ball here? It’s been years since a good dead celebrity hologram showed up. There should be one for every dead celebrity. “Hey, ma, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Hologram Dana Plato.” Okay, so I want every young Blue Jays pitcher, but that’s for the short-term. Not in keepers. For the long term, I think Toronto as an organization is taking classes from Dusty Baker. Hutchison went from 57 IP in 2013 in the minors after returning from Tommy John (the surgery, not the man) to 184 2/3 IP in the majors. Maybe the Jays bought two surgeries up front at a discounted rate and want to make sure they get to use them. So, in a few years, Dwayne Murphy might be trying to twirl Hutchison’s noodle arm on his fork, but for 2015 I think we should be okay. Even if we’re not, he should come at a cheap enough price in redraft leagues that he’s going to be worth the gamble. Anyway, what can we expect of Drew Hutchison for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet, but he did much to popularize it, according to Wikipedia. Crapper owned the first toilet showroom and due to his name being on a large number of toilets, U.S. servicemen would see it and say, “I need to go to the Crapper.” Hopefully, this adds a bit of context when I say Jean Segura spent 2014 in the crapper. The legacy of Crapper doesn’t end there. Up until Crapper’s time, the inventor and biggest proponent of the flush toilet was John Harington. He was also a popular writer and provocateur who spoke often about the toilet, beating it into people’s brains to call it “The John.” With that in mind, we can also say the Brewers shortstop for 2014 was “In the John” Segura. In 2013, Segura’s 2nd half fell off, and it led people to think his 2014 would be putrid. Those people were proven to be correct. I still don’t buy it. Yes, I don’t buy Segura is bad even after he had a terrible 2014, which was hinted at by a terrible 2nd half in 2013. Yes, I am excited about Segura even though he has a good three months to his entire career. I’m throwing last year out. He had a sub-par April, was moved down the order, and never bounced back. Things really went pear-shaped for him in June and July (.196 and .179). We don’t know his state of mind while his child was sick and then after losing the child. This had to affect him in some way. Perhaps he wanted to be back with his wife and ailing child, maybe he couldn’t concentrate. I have no idea; no one does but Segura. If we’re to throw out his June and July, then he hit .276 on the year. So, just like everyone wants to throw out his huge 1st half in 2013, can’t we also throw out those two months? Go ahead and answer under your breath, I can still hear you. Anyway, what can we expect of Jean Segura for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There was one fateful night in mid-September that changed everything for me and Mike Fiers. He beaned mi novio in the cantaloupe. Giancarlo went down and Fiers stopped mattering to me. I couldn’t even look at him. I opened his ESPN player page and drew a black eye on his picture and blacked out a tooth, but that didn’t assuage me and now I Sharpie’d up my computer screen, making my porn-surfing that much more complicated. So, that fateful night, I went out to a hospital near me, hoping to take my mind off what transpired. In time of distress, I always find it’s best to be there for those less fortunate than me. In the ICU, I found an elderly man, who was on life support, with his family surrounding him. I pretended to be a nurse and asked the family to wait in the hallway. I put a Brewers hat on the elderly man and laid a Fiers jersey over his body. I proceeded to tell him how much I hated what he did to Giancarlo and I would never forgive him. With that, he opened his eyes and said, “Where’s my family?” Then he flatlined. In some weird way, this helped me put my hatred of Fiers behind me. This elderly man allowed me to move on. He sacrificed himself so I could look at Fiers with fresh eyes and consider him for a sleeper post. What a mensch! So, what can we expect of Mike Fiers for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I nearly didn’t write this post, because, even as I write this in November, Carlos Carrasco seems overhyped for a sleeper. So, a big part of the equation, will a guy be more valuable than his draft spot, hence be a sleeper, work for Carrasco? I’m not entirely sure. There’s no ADP data right now. Since I think Carrasco could be a top 20 starter by the end of 2015 and I don’t think he’s going to be ranked near that, then he’ll likely still have his sleeperitude. Carrasco can teach us a good lesson and you know I’m hot for teacher. Carrasco exemplifies why it’s nice to look at a guy like Trevor Bauer, Randall Delgado or any young pitcher, but not to expect too much. Carrasco was a sexy prospect in the Phillies system back in 2009, and only now four years later is it appearing that he could actually become what we once thought of him. And by ‘we’ I mean me. Because I’m not embarrassed of my past mistakes, here’s what I wrote five years ago, “Pursue Carlos Carrasco in your 2009 fantasy drafts. All of them. Hold on, I’m bring out the caps — ALL OF THEM. Now don’t make go get the exclamation mark. If Carrasco doesn’t make the club out of spring training, he’ll soon be there and will make an impact. If he does make the team but only as a long man out of the bullpen, he will soon be starting. Don’t worry about what the Phils will be saying out of spring training.” And that’s me making myself blush! I jumped the gun a tad on that. If Carrasco and I were in Deadwood, Carrasco would’ve just turned to about face when I shot him in the back, that’s how much I jumped the gun on him. I obviously underestimated how much the Phils would Mr. Bungle their entire team. Anyway, what can we expect of Carlos Carrasco for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“I’m glad I’m getting some company.” Easy there, Brett Lawrie. Oswaldo Arcia is only up to post-post-hype status. Still has a long way until he has nine posts before his hype. “Are you sure he didn’t have post-op surgery?” No, Lawrie, now run along and into a wall. Arcia you later! Thanks, pun punch and your floating fruit! I’d run away with you and get married, but I cantaloupe. Last year, Arcia had 20 homers, one steal and a .231 average. Someone hit the snooze button, I’m gonna take a power nap. *claps hands* Couldn’t sleep, but I had an idea to look deeper at his numbers. Well, not that much deeper, just slightly deeper. He had 20 homers in only 103 games and 372 ABs. In that few ABs, the only ones with 20 homers are George Springer, Steve Pearce, Tulowitzki and Evan Gattis. Pearce? Well, let’s throw him out for, um, ever. Springer, Tulo and Gattis all have big-time power. They’re thirty homer guys if healthy and chalking up 500+ ABs. Don’t believe Arcia belongs in that company? Arcia, wouldn’t want to be ya! Anyway, what can we expect of Oswaldo Arcia in 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On Dancer! On Prancer! On–Oh, I didn’t hear you come in.  Welcome, reader! Grab some egg nog and brandy it up to the fire. You look festive.  I love that Rudolph tongue ring, though not as much as I love your Facebook photo with Santa while wearing an “I Can’t Breathe” t-shirt. That’s the great thing about Christmas, no matter what your interpretation is, it’s all about commercialism.  That’s unless you light the Munenori Kawasaki. The 2015 fantasy baseball rankings are not far away.  Right now, January Grey is throwing darts at a board to figure out where to rank Rusney Castillo. Exciting!  In the meantime, let’s look at the players who have multiple position eligibility for this upcoming 2015 fantasy baseball season.  This took me far longer than it probably should’ve.  Can’t someone write me a program that sorts all the players by games played at a position?  Why do I need to go through every player on every roster?  It totally harshes my buzz.  I did this list of multi-position eligible players because I figured it would help for your 2015 fantasy baseball drafts.  I’m a giver, snitches!  Happy Holidays!  I only listed players that have multiple position eligibility of ten games or more played outside of their primary position.  Not FIVE games at a position, not six, definitely not seven. Ten games.  10, the Laurel & Hardy of numbers.  So this should cover Yahoo, ESPN, CBS, et al (not the Israeli airline).  Yes, Christmas came two days early this year.  Players with multiple position eligibility are listed once alphabetically under their primary position.  On a different post, I’ll make some comments about some of the players.  In the mean’s while, you make comments in these comments. Say that fast 117 times! Anyway, here’s all the players with multiple position eligibility for the 2015 fantasy baseball season and the positions they are eligible at:

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The CIA’s plan to work out of a Petco concession stand because the stadium is so quiet is looking far less like a good plan to stay covert. “Did you just ask for two mustard packets with your hot pretzel because you have some information for us or because you simply want an extra mustard packet? If it’s the latter, one per customer.” Probably the worst call for a covert operation’s headquarters since the CIA opened an office in Vegas in the 1940’s. “It’s just a desert, no one’s coming here.” So, the Padres traded for Justin Upton because they are obviously intent on deflating outfielder stats everywhere. At least this outfielder has two hips that don’t resemble Abe Vigoda’s. (Still alive as of this writing, but may not be by the time you read this.) Maybe the Padres can trade Kemp for Pujols to create the Up-My-Pujols lineup. I came down hard on Matt Kemp in the non-sexual way when he went to San Diego, but that had as much to do with him being the first new bat they acquired (no one around him in the lineup yet), his health and his flakiness. As with the Myers trade, I’m less inclined to write off Upton simply due to Petco. Upton’s a guy in his prime that has hit everywhere when healthy. I don’t like to put too much weight on a player’s stats in their new stadium when they were still playing as a visiting player, but Upton has 10 HRs and a .291 average in 172 ABs in Petco in his career. That’s a HR every 17.2 ABs, which is better than his career rate (1 HR every 23 at-bats). Petco played like its usual “Are you sure the fences are out there? I can’t see them” self last year, but in 2013 it wasn’t as bad after they moved in the fences prior to that season, so I think last year’s putrid offense was more the Padres hitters streaming into a confluence of crap. (By the by, Confluence of Crap was my worst selling album, despite Rick Reuben producing it. I should’ve paid the extra money for the non-imposter, Rick Rubin.) Even in Petco, Upton feels like a 25-27 homer guy, which is what he was before. His steals are leaving his game quicker than a rhinoceros with plantar fasciitis, and he’s not a huge average guy, but writing him off due to Petco feels a bit too easy. He’ll be hitting in the middle of a lineup that is at least as good as the Braves last year and in a nearly neutral ballpark. For 2015, I’ll give him 81/27/95/.266/8. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2015 fantasy baseball:

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When Kennys Vargas first arrived on the major league baseball scene, people were like, “Is he a switch hitter or are there two of them?” Then when it turned out there were multiple Kennys, people started gossiping like they were in a sewing circle, “Is it fair if there’s more than one Kenny in the batter’s box at once?” To those people I submit, it could be worse, they could’ve stayed Siamese twins. Did you know both Kennys got in a fight when a reporter asked them if they’d seen their slash line lately? They pointed to their Siamese twins separation scar and said they see it every day. (I’m just going by what I saw on the latest Ken Burns documentary. If Kennys is one person and was never a Siamese twin, I sincerely apologize. By the by, never trust anyone who says they sincerely apologize. They’re trying too hard to be believable. I saw that on another documentary. Netflix’s motto, “We Prove People Will Watch Documentaries.”) Last year, Kenny/Kenny hit 9 homers and .274 in 53 games. Crown Kenny-slash-Kenny the new Babe Ruth and name multiple candy bars after them. “I’m Heath and I’m Skor, and we’re the same but separate.” That’s the Kennys in a commercial. Okay, so 9 homers in 53 games isn’t exactly the meow’s cat, until… Oh, no, here comes The Prorater! Run, it’s The Prorater! Four women and children first! The Prorater tells me that Kennys would’ve had 27 homers in a full season, and that would’ve just about led the league. Damn, that last part didn’t sound like The Prorater but more like Hyperbole Man. So, what can we expect of Kennys Vargas for 2015 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?