Guess what, ya’ll? Carl Crawford is going to hit 40 home runs and steal, like, 60 bases and hit over .350. Carl Crawford will also win the Roberto Clemente Award and the Rolaids Relief Man of the Year Award for his relief work off and on the field.

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Yesterday Ramon Something-or-other hit two home runs. Ben Zobrist (a quarter Jewish, not too shabby!) hit two home runs. Others getting in on the action were Mike Hessman, Ryan Raburn (who sounds like he should be dating Angela Lansbury), Casey McGehee, Control Alt-Delete, Jeff Bailey, Francisco Cervelli, Cousin Jerri and lots of dudes that don’t even have pictures in their ESPN player profile so I just assume they all look like a young Micah Hoffpauir.

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Chris Carpenter will undergo surgery on a compressed nerve in his shoulder. Word in The Bootheel is he’ll be fine for spring training. This will be something to watch in March and should be a decent-sized question mark during next year’s drafts.

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David Price made his 1st major league start yesterday against the Orioles. He went five and one-third innings and gave up one earned run. He was solid through four innings, but then his stool got loose in the fifth when he walked in a run.

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After 85 years, Yankee Stadium closed its doors last night. Some of the landmark feats that occurred there include, Dale Berra once did a line of coke in the very place where his Dad said something bordering on stupid, but was misconstrued as brilliant, Bernie Williams once tossed a guitar pick to Jeter who used it to de-semenate Jessica Alba and Babe Ruth once told Lou Gehrig, “You should’ve just got herpes like me.” But alas Yankee Stadium’s bidding us adieu.

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There’s just over a week left on the season. Really, at this point, anything goes in non-keeper leagues. If you don’t need home runs because the schmohawk right behind you is 12 home runs away, but you desperately need steals, why are you still carrying Adam Dunn?

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Your man, Grey, loves a piece of cheap tail like Ice Cube loves a nappy dugout. (In fact, I might love cheap tail more. This is totally debatable between Ice Cube and I. Anytime you want to grab a podium, Cube, and go word for word.

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You know how you never really see yourself for who you are? Right, well, I wonder if Sheets doesn’t see himself as injury-prone. Instead, Sheets sees everyone else and thinks they’re Magoo’ing their way through their life. He sits in the locker room and he’s like, “Wow, Fielder I can’t believe you didn’t just twist your ankle right there!” And Fielder looks at him confused, “Ben, I was just tying CC’s shoelaces for him.” (Cause Prince and CC obviously have to tie each other’s shoelaces.) Also, I wonder if Sheets’s family is constantly trying to get him out of harm’s way.

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