True or false: A) Dansby Swanson is famous for being Ted Knight’s caddy in Caddyshack. B) Starting a meme at his frat house in Arizona where he’d put his checkered pants on a cactus with the caption, “I’m thirsty, yo.” C) There’s no C. D) All the above. E) Was drafted a second ago by the Diamondbacks 1st overall, then traded to the Braves for the fellow WASP, Shelby Miller, and all-around terrible pitcher. If you answered D) All the above, how did you know what all the above was before reading E? Also, it was a true or false quiz, what the hell is all of the above?! So, Dansby Swanson is being called up by the Braves just in time, no lie, for their series against the Diamondbacks. Dayum. Hello, wounds, here’s your salt. In Prospector Ralph’s midseason top 100 prospects, Dansby was 22nd overall, right by Willie Calhoun, who totally tanked Mike Dukakis’ campaign. Swanson is a 22-year-old that was a’ight in Double-A (8 HRs, 6 SBs, .261 in 84 games). That’s neither here nor there, he’s young; he should be owned in most mixed leagues; you’re not going to find his talent level on waivers in many leagues; semicolons; fun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chad Green was out there painting corners like he was on work release and someone decided the yellow curb needed to be yellower! Green ball in the corner pocket is what he felt! Green was dealing like a sad-looking, poker dealer at a poker room that is badly lit, which is known for having great dealers! Green for the money, gold for the honeys! Yesterday, Green was the envy of the league, though not a shizzton happened, admittedly. He threw 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Jays. Because his name is Green! Nah, that’s prolly not the reason, but it’s an interesting thought. Green has worked well in the minors (1.52 ERA in Triple-A), and gets strikeouts (9.5 K/9) with his mid-90s MPH fastball, and cutter. At this point, I’d still rely on the Stream-o-Nator with him for shallower mixed leagues, but I could see a flyer on him in keeper leagues for a chance there’s something here moving into 2017. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Mookie Betts went 4-for-6, 4 runs, 8 RBIs with three homers (24, 25, 26). In the long, storied history of the Red Sox, Mookie Betts is only the 2nd Sawx player to have two three-homer games in a season; the other is Ted Williams. Mookie Ballgame. The Splendid Splurger. The Greatest Mookie Who Ever Lived With Apologies To Mookie Wilson and Mookie Blaylock. The You Can’t Make This Up Because Your Imagination Can’t Come Up With Anything This Beautiful. The Hamilton Musical In Baseball Form. The Unfrozen Ted Williams. I don’t think it’s hyperbole — which is not the chamber Michael Jackson used to sleep in — to think Mookie Betts will be a top three hitter in 2017 fantasy baseball drafts. He’s now cemented himself in the three hole in one of the best offensive parks, surrounded by a team that is always potent on offense. Betts or Trout? There’s a legit case for Betts, The Splendid Splurger! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to announce our RCL fantasy football leagues are signing up. So, go over there and rush the QB! I’m pretty sure that doesn’t stand for Q-Bert. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:Please, blog, may I have some more?
In 1972, a young Polish man by the name of Stanley “Stash” Petrosky burst on the scene with the Pirates organization and stole 87 bases while pinch-running for the Single-A Long John Silvers. No matter how many times corrected, he continually held the bat backwards and never got past Single-A, but his speed was a delight to watch. Since then, Poles have been considered some of the sneakiest fast players in the game. Some social scientists have contended that this is due to the Polish ancestors standing in line for bread. Never wanting to be standing in line ever again, they instead run and steal. Some historians say the Poles have skis on their end of their names because thousands of years ago they would tie flat boards to their ankles rather than walking and they built up a taste for speed. Others say this is ethnic profiling and it should be stopped. Either way, one guy who can’t be stopped is Travis Jankowski. Janky, as he’s not known anywhere, has 25 steals in 184 ABs. Since 2000, Jankowski has the most steals in the fewest plate appearances besides Tony Campana (there’s a throwback name). The King of SAGNOF, Rajai Davis, Jarrod Dyson, Emilio Bonifacio, Dee Gordon and Jordan Schafer are a few of the guys that have been close in the last 16 years, but what Jankowski is doing is historic SAGNOF. Or as it’s known in some cultures SAGNOFski. Oh, and Jankowski is also hitting north of .450 in the last week. Grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Carlos Correa (4-for-8, 4 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers across the doubleheader (three in last three games), making it look easy like North Korea during the ‘imaginary’ Olympics that are being aired in North Korea. “It looks like the U.S.A. is going to take 1st place…” Bad editing splice job, 20 second lag, bad voiceover, “And North Korea just edges out 1st place! Wow, this will be…” Bad editing splice job, obvious voiceover, “North Korea’s one billionth medal win.” By the way, are you as surprised as me that during Olympic competitions you haven’t see any of this: “Okay, Argentina will now be serving for the win. Whoa, I think the Spanish coach just unleashed a nest of mosquitos! He’s Zika’ing them out!” Seriously, no one is Zika’ing out their opponents. So, Carlos Correa found some of his footing yesterday that he showed last August/September. Wait, is he only an August and September player? Septacular! Now he’s going to get to 25+ HRs on the year and be overdrafted again next year. We need a bad editing splice job to remove his 2nd half stats for next preseason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Carlos Gomez was designated for assignment. Outfielders in the tier of guys in the preseason I told you not to draft: Pence, Kemp, Gomez, Schwarber, Hanley, Corey Dickerson, Ellsbury, Brantley, Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez. I’ll take a 7-for-10. You believed still in the preseason about Carlos Gomez, didn’t you? *touches finger to nose but not for a sobriety test* I’m more surprised by the people shocked by Gomez’s fall from grace. *makes crazy, rolly finger motion by ear* Anyone who saw him in his prime knew he was gonna find a steep cliff. Even when he broke out, the underlying stats told you something had to change or he wasn’t going to have continued success. *sticks finger in nose, smiles* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rough year to be a Prince. Watch yourself William, Henry and the kid who played Fred in the atrocious Scooby-Doo movies. Prince Fielder is done from baseball with 319 homers. Of the tens of thousands of other baseball players that have played the game, the only other person retired with exactly 319 homers is Cecil Fielder. They are also the only two members of the 300-300 club — 300 HR/LB. This also leads me to believe we’re on an 18-year loop with 1998. Wait until Hillary Clinton meets a young Jewish intern in the White House who is just back from Cuba with some cigars. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t usually mention pitchers in Coors. Even rarer still that I mention pitchers filled with Coors. Most pitchers with Coors are piss-poor. That’s for every definition of Coors and pitchers. Now, let’s look at the definition of belch. To eject gas spasmodically, to eruct. If erect is good, Coors definitely makes me eruct. A pitcher that throws gas in Coors usually has spastic eructions. Talk about slightly off sexy talk. A phone sex operator should mess with a customer and say, “I want your spastic eruction all over me.” “Did you just say you want me to belch on you?” Yesterday, Tyler Anderson went 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his ERA to 3.04. His peripherals agree, he’s not getting by on smoke and mirrors like some children’s magician. He has a 7.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9 and a 3.41 xFIP. Not an ace, but a safe number two, similar numbers to, say, Kyle Hendricks. We need to put aside our aversion to Rockies pitchers and throw our hat in the ring for Merry Tyler Coors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Manny Machado put up his right hand yesterday to measure it against a hand drawing every clubhouse has posted on its wall. The drawing is of Mark Whiten’s hand that once held four baseballs in it. Four baseballs for the four homers he hit in one game. In the Padres’ clubhouse, this hand has been removed because it’s just a not-so-subtle reminder of what will never be. In the Indians’ clubhouse, the hand is made into a turkey to celebrate the first Thanksgiving. In the Astros’ clubhouse, the hand has been cut out and fashioned into a t-shirt for Altuve. Imagine if Donald Trump wins the presidency and throws out a first pitch. He may never make it to the field, too distracted in the clubhouse by measuring his hands against Whiten. Yesterday, Machado came a fingernail short of the hand, hitting three homers with seven RBIs. Now has 25 homers on the year with a .307 average. Terrific, stupendous, adjective! What’s more remarkable is he does not have one steal all year. Almost as crazy, he’s only attempted three. Did he have a knee transplant this offseason with McCutchen as the donor? Machado stole 20 bases last year. To go to none? Wow, his feet definitely don’t measure up to the Rickey Henderson foot drawings in each clubhouse. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rather than list fifteen closers that all became available in the last week, I’m going to tell you a story. Ken you dig it? Ooh, Giles (Things Are Gonna Get Easier) was a song they played at my prom. This was going to be the best day of my life. My date, Susie, had just broken up with her boyfriend, Jake, and she looked radiant that night, Barretts lined her hair like a crime scene. Only not a bad crime scene like some gruesome murder, but instead like a yellow rose Tyler’d around another rose’s Thornburg like a noose. A rose murder, which is heartbreakingly beautiful. Also, in play on this great night was Prom King, I was going to Edwin it, right as I was Diaz’ing to the Macarena. Wait, maybe my dancing would help me win a Tony too, ya know, this wasn’t elementary school my dear, Watson. This felt like a scene out of an 80s movie with Charlie Sheen née Carlos Estevez. When the announcement came, I held Susie’s hand, it was hot — 373 on the Kelvin scale — and her palm was Herrera. Gadzooks, I exclaimed. Then Jim won, and I went home with my Johnson, but no Herrera palm. Oh well, guess I’ll have to take down my Cam I set up by my Bedrosian. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?