The night before I wrote this post I had a dream that Matt Adams was painted green from head to toe and sitting above Mike Matheny who was dressed as Princess Leia in a bikini as I bartered for the return of the carbon-frozen Grady Sizemore, after we went nipple shopping and Matt Adams decided on silver dollar ones. I think I have to do less Soda Streaming prior to bedtime. At least I wasn’t dreaming about Candy Crush. (BTW, if you’re seeing the symbol for AT&T and thinking it looks like a blue striped candy, you need other hobbies. Totally speaking from experience here.) Let’s see if we can get excited about Matt Adams without picturing him slowly unlatching his bra. Last year, Fatt had more homers than anyone with so few plate appearances (the only other players that were even close were Hanley Ramirez and Wilson Ramos). In just 319 plate appearances, he hit 17 homers. This comes in an era when 24 homers is a lot — hey, Joey Votto, I’m subtly looking in your direction. Adams also hit .284 with a ton of counting stats for the amount of plate appearances he saw. Then again, everyone on the Cardinals had counting stats last year. Matt Adams, I understood the most. He loves ribbies. Anyway, what can we expect from Matt Adams for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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Wilson Ramos smells of Salvador Perez. A catcher that could be drafted as a fringe top ten catcher with the chance of performing as a top five catcher. I take my Latin catchers’ abuelitas seriously, and so should you after Salvador Perez lost two months last year when his Maw-Maw passed. Luckily, Wilson Ramos has two extremely healthy abuelitas. One abuelita just did the Baja California 5K, and his other abuelita likes to cook fattening foods, but she will be staying with me all next summer if I draft Wilson so I can keep an eye on her and her health. Lupe Ontiveros, his maternal abuelita, said, “I feel as good as a mule piñata stuffed with nails and could probably live for another twenty years.” Let’s not push it, Lupe! Just get us through 2014, that’s all we ask. Last year channeling the strength from his two healthy abuelitas, Ramos put on a show, hitting 16 homers in only 78 games, while ranking in the top ten for all of baseball in home run distance. Didn’t have any negatives, other than the one thing that has haunted him for his whole career. Unlike his abuelitas, he has a hard time staying healthy. It’s been about three years since he’s played a full season, and he’s never played more than 113 games in a major league season. So, what can we expect from Wilson Ramos for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Grey, sometimes I look into your eyes and I see a land with marshmallow-topped trees and lots of fake-breasted women. Any the hoo! Who can be this year’s Matt Harvey?” That’s you when you’re being real with yourself. Sonny Gray can be this year’s Matt Harvey. I don’t even know if he’s going to be a sleeper, but my guess is he won’t be ranked in the top ten for all starting pitchers, but could end up there by the end of the year, so that ups his sleeperitude, which is like pulchritudinous because it looks like it would be a negative or some rare disease, but it’s one of the greatest compliments that can’t be pronounced by most people. Sleeper-a-tude? Sleepery-tude? Sleep-er-eye-tude? Don’t even get me to try and pronounce pulchritudinous. I can’t even spell it without copying and pasting it from Google. Sonny Gray doesn’t get touched by my soft hands on his subtle features simply because he sounds like he’s related to me or because he tried in earnest to grow a mustache. We’re not that shallow here — though, I will say a land of marshmallow-topped trees and fake-breasted women does sound wonderful. So, what can we expect from Sonny Gray for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On Dancer! On Prancer! On–Oh, I didn’t hear you come in. Welcome, reader! Grab some egg nog and brandy it up to the fire. You look festive. I love that Rudolph tongue ring, though not as much as I love reading discussion about the new iPhone commercial, Misunderstood. When I first saw it, the first thing I thought was, “How sweet, a baby-faced lesbian has made a video for her much older lesbian girlfriend’s family.” Only later did I realize it’s a teenaged boy and his mom. That’s the great thing about Christmas, no matter what your interpretation is, it’s all about commercialism. The 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are not far away. Right now, January Grey is throwing darts at a board to figure out where to rank Coco Crisp. Exciting! In the meantime, let’s look at the players who have multiple position eligibility for this upcoming 2014 fantasy baseball season. This took me far longer than it probably should’ve. Can’t someone write me a program that sorts all the players by games played at a position? Why do I need to go through every player on every roster? It totally harshes my buzz. I did this list of multi-position eligible players because I figured it would help for your 2014 fantasy baseball drafts. I’m a giver, snitches! Happy Holidays! I only listed players that have multiple position eligibility of ten games or more played outside of their primary position. Not FIVE games at a position, not six, definitely not seven. Ten games. 10, the Laurel & Hardy of numbers. So this should cover Yahoo, ESPN, CBS, et al (not the Israeli airline). Yes, Christmas came a day early this year. Players with multiple position eligibility are listed once alphabetically under their primary position. On a different post, I’ll make some comments about some of the players. In the mean’s while, you make comments in these comments. Say that fast 117 times! Anyway, here’s all the players with multiple position eligibility for the 2014 fantasy baseball season and the positions they are eligible at:

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Scott Boras got Shin-Soo Choo his Christmas present after all. A $130 million contract to play for the Texas Rangers of the American League West. The only stipulation of the contract was Choo will buy the island nation of Bora Bora and change its name to Boras Boras. A small price to pay for Boras getting him the big bucks. I wonder what Boras could do for me. Maybe one-point-two million dollars per page view? A five hundred thousand bonus for every waxed mustache hair? A stipend to feed the monkeys that type up these posts? Ling-Ling wants a banana! (On side side note, my friend from Frazers’ Edge provided the comic at the bottom of the post.) Wikipedia tells me Dallas has the 2nd largest Korean population in the southern United States. Shin-Soo Choo blushes at the thought. Or maybe he’s just been drinking. This doesn’t do a whole lot for his fantasy value. He was already in a great park atop a terrific lineup. He’s really an odd duck because he’s so damn consistent yet has such dramatic splits. He regularly bats .320+ vs. righties and barely .200 vs. lefties. If he has a bad year vs. righties, he’ll be awful. I’m not talking a .250 or lower year either. I mean, a .280 year vs. righties would kill him. Due to his splits, the tightrope he walks is thin but he’s managed to traverse it well thus far, so there’s no reason to think the end is nigh, not to mention no one has any idea what nigh means. Is it really near? It’s not saving letters by writing nigh. Is there a nighby? Who says that? The bigger pickle Choo’s brined with this signing is Leonys Martin will be relegated to batting ninth for another year. There’s no chance he bats 2nd or moves up in the order vs. lefties either because he’s just as bad as Choo vs. them. For 2014, I’ll give Choo the line of 101/20/59/.277/20. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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It’s a closerousel! Which is a play on carousel, not arousal. Pick up your pants. Recently, the Cleveland Indians organization talked to the media about moving away from the unfortunate Native American stereotype their team is known for. They said, “We respect the people who came before us. This was their land, and we drove them out. Scalping was a crime on humanity. In other news, we just signed a guy that goes by the Ax Man. Chief Wahoo, can I get a woohoo?!” John Axford should be perfectly competent as the closer in Cleveland, until he’s not. What I mean is he’ll be handed the job and will hold it the whole year unless he reverts to his hideous ways. I was burnt by him in more leagues than I care to remember, but I would still draft him again. SAGNOF, after all. Then Theo Cubstein went out and got Jose Veras to close games. Cubs fans will miss the days when their games went an extra fifty minutes due seven men getting on base in the ninth inning. If you throw out Veras’s first five appearances and start his stats on April 13th of last year, he had a 2.48 ERA. Yeah, that’ll work just fine. Then the Orioles pulled their best Billy Beane impersonation when they let one high-priced closer go and got Grant Balfour back. Oddly enough, Billy Beane was the one that took the high-priced one. I scream, what’s the world coming to?! Then Billy Beane shoots Spider dead. Then Beane turns to me and says, “Not so fast, amigo. Check Balfour’s health. Oh, and amigo is being sarcastic, you dumbass.” I knew that! But not about the health. No one did. Except for the Jedi master. Of course, there was more to it. So, now Balfour’s deal may fall through with the O’s due to health concerns raised in his physical. It’s a developing situation as they say in third world countries about their water and cable TV. Finally, Addison Reed went from the Chicago White Sox to Arizona. Now the Diamondbacks won’t have to worry about what happens when J.J. Putz hurts himself opening a tin of Band-Aids. Irony only takes you so far, Putz. This leaves a vacuum in the South Side of Chicago in the ninth inning, but I guess they don’t plan on winning any games. White Sox GM Rick Hahn named Nate Jones, Matt Lindstrom, Scott Downs and Daniel Webb as possible replacements. Due to Scott Downs’ Syndrome, Downs is out of the mix. Jones will be a favorite by fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) due to his ability to strike guys out, but I’m guessing Lindstrom will end up with the job due to that hard-to-put-your-finger-on-it closer experience quality. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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I don’t think Danny Salazar will be good in 2014. He might be one of the worst pitchers this year. Really no reason to read the rest of the post. Go ahead on to the comments and ask me if I think Carlos Beltran is a good keeper. That’ll teach the people who only skim the first few lines of each post. Unless that previous line — or this line — are also read, then I apologize for my nefariousness. I’m rooted in evil, but I’m trying to change my ways. Maybe the love of a good, much older woman can save me. We will see, together. Give me a small pat on my hobby horse’s ass. That’s fun for both of us. Danny Salazar is in that pile of wonderful that could be this year’s Matt Harvey next year. File him alphabetically in the manila folder labeled, “Yummy.” Bee tee dubya, you think in the Philippines they call manila folders, “Capital City Folders?” Is the Filipino flag a manila folder labelled, “Philippines?” I got questions, y’all! Last year, Salazar threw 52 IP with a 11.25 K-rate, 2.60 BB-rate and 2.75 xFIP. To summarize in nonsensical words, whamo, hooha and zadow! Can I draft him right now in every league? Soon, Grey, you third-person-using fool! So, what can we expect for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

No one will come close to ranking this guy as high as I’m going to (assuming the Phils don’t do anything stupid and trade for a prospblock). I wouldn’t be surprised to see Cody Asche not ranked at all on some sites. Last year, ESPN didn’t rank Hyun-Jin Ryu, barely ranked Jean Segura, ignored Starling Marte, to name just a few of the guys that I highlighted last year around this time. No one is going to be on all fours getting Asche-y knees like me. Ideally, the Phils get totally out of using Old Spice as their go-to cologne, and move Rollins down the lineup while pushing Asche and Brown up so they find their way into the top four slots of the lineup. Though, I kinda don’t want that to happen until the day after the season starts. If it happens in March, then suddenly people are going to start asking the question, “Yo, Grey, your mustache reminds me a bit of the Sistine Chapel, only holier, but in other news, who is this guy Cody Asche that the Phils are saying will hit in the top of their lineup?” We don’t need those Johnny Come Latelies clogging up our draft strategy with their newfound enthusiasm. So what can we expect from Cody Asche for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Mariners trying to bulk up their team is like watching someone dress up their pet monkey in baby clothes. It’s cute. You’re glad they have something they love. Then you realize they’re suffering from postpartum depression and you’re sick of them bothering you with questions about when they should enroll their baby monkey in daycare. That monkey ain’t gonna grow up to be a world famous fantasy baseball blogger like yours truly who uses 100 monkeys on 99 typewriters to write these posts. Someone buy Ling-Ling a typewriter! Similarly, it’s cute the Mariners are dressing up their monkey with new outfielders, especially one that missed all of last year — Corey Hart — and one that even a terrible team didn’t want any part of — Logan Morrison. Corey Hart is committed to wearing sunglasses at night and being ready to go for Opening Day. Let’s see, someone says to you, “I’ll give you millions of dollars if you say you’re healthy and ready to return.” Would you say you’re healthy and ready to return? Yeah, me too. It doesn’t make us or Corey Hart bad people, but it’s a whole lot easier for him to say he’s ready to return than to go out and play 150+ games after a pair of knee surgeries. If he can DH the whole season and stay in the lineup, I could see a 27 homer, 90+ RBI season. The once 20-steal speed isn’t happening anymore. Unless he got a stamp card with those knee surgeries and the fifth one is free. For 2014, I’ll give him the line 72/23/84/.278/3. Morrison also had knee surgery last year, but he’s a lot younger and more prone to saying hashtag. I’m guessing Seattle GM Zduriencik saw Morrison had 363 homers in his four-year career and wanted him bad. Too bad Zduriencik moved his finger down the homer column and accidentally slide to the left and was actually reading his games played. There’s a chance Seattle will push Morrison and Hart to DH/1B and be done with Smoak like the Marlins were done with Morrison, but it’s too early to say. I’m just hoping Seattle trades Brad Miller for Starlin Castro so the Cubs can field a Barney/Miller at middle infield. For 2014, I’ll give Morrison the line 61/17/70/.245. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Unlike McCarthy-era Hollywood, the Diamondbacks seem to put everyone on their blacklist except Trumbo (see Bauer, Scherzer, Eaton, Skaggs, Upton). Remember when they traded Reynolds and J-Up because they hated being the Diamondhacks? It’s back (sad Trumbo). BTW, Scherzer, Bauer and Skaggs: the hypothetical law firm where Alan Dershowitz would feel least comfortable. Then again, he represented that Claus Von Bulow guy. I wonder if Kevin Towers would’ve been torn if Mark Trumbo had the name Mark Trumboschnitzel. Probably. I’m not sure what Kevin Towers hates more, Krauts or pitching prospects. I think it’s still too early to evaluate the Didi Gregorious-Trevor Bauer trade and a year has past since then, so it’s way too early to dissect the Trumbo, Skaggs and Eaton dealings for real baseball, which is fine since we only care about fantasy implications. Mark Trumbo in Arizona is a plus for him. In the city of Los Angeles That’s Not Really Los Angeles of Anaheim, the Sciosciapath would bench Trumbo if he farted in the wrong direction. “Did you just fart north by northeast? Hit the pine, meat!” That’s the Sciosciapath. Also, Trumbo moves to a better park. He’s still never going to win a batting title, but Michael Cuddyer won last year’s NL batting title and no one even cared, so do we care? No, no we don’t. Trumbo goes to a relatively similar lineup, perhaps a tad lighter, but not enough to factor in. Trumbo would be a thirty homer guy in Petco, and in Arizona he could reach 35+ homers. For 2014, I’ll give him the line of 74/33/89/.244/5. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves and what they mean for 2014 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?