Jake McGee hit the DL with a sprained MCL. Damn, 1150 was a very bad year for him. Wait, a new closer that no one owns is up for grabs! When this news broke, I was sitting in a French cafe, wearing a beret to the side, flicking a Virginia Slim 120 like a French baller. I immediately looked for Carlos Estevez, but he was gone. Then I looked for Jason Motte — gone! Then I looked for Boone Logan — there! So, I grabbed him, then I wept quietly. Was I really picking up the guy third down the SAGNOF totem for the Rockies? I’m such a pitiful save vulture. Get some dignity, man, you’re better than this, you’re rocking a beret and a Virginia Slim 120! After Saturday’s game, Walt Weiss announced Estevez would be the closer, so now, even more pitifully, I will be dropping Boone Logan, who got me a cheap vulture save on Sunday due to Estevez being used too many days in a row. That’s like the fantasy baseball walk of shame. Everyone who sees you drop the guy that doesn’t get the closer job knows full well that you desperately tried to make the wrong guy work. Now I have to pick up and drop twelve other guys to bury my move. The fantasy baseball shame cycle! As for Estevez, his outings will be like brother Emilio — short. His performances may be like brother Charlie’s relationships — rocky. Unlike his father, Martin, he will not be starring in an awful Netflix series canoodling with the DA from Law & Order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Wikipedia says groupthink is, “A psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences. Now spend forty minutes randomly popping around the internet until you somehow end up on an exercise video of Morgan Fairchild.” I’m sure someone has already done this, but you know how there’s Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Why isn’t there an internet six degrees to tepid porn? No matter where you are, you are six clicks from tepid porn. Any hoo! I was thinking about groupthink because of the comments on this site, but it’s more like groupspeak. Just listen to what the groupspeak say. Sometimes you get comments that can be helpful, even if they’re not intentionally trying to be helpful. If you see ten to twenty random comments asking about Danny Duffy, a pattern emerges. A beautiful snowflake pattern because every comment is different unless it’s a catcher question. With that many people asking about Duffy, there might be something there. So, I looked at his stats, and, J. Lo and behold, his peripherals are gorge. In 43 IP, he has a 10.3 K/9, 1.5 BB/9 and a 3.52 xFIP. He’s there with a 95.7 MPH fastball and a change that is buckling hitters. These are not waiver wire pitcher peripherals. These are ace pitcher numbers. I’d go pick him up right now…Which should only take you three clicks, so you have three more clicks to find Morgan Fairchild doing crunches. Enjoy (or be careful)! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
And, with the first pick of the MLB draft, the Philadelphia Phillies take… Someone that was born in 1998. I have a bottle of ketchup older than that. In fact, I think I have an entire shelf of condiments older. Mickey Moniak or Grey’s Worcestershire sauce? What? That doesn’t ever go bad and it’s used for one thing. I think I dated a girl in 1998 who wanted a Bloody Mary. What else am I going to do with it?! Lea & Perrins conspired to add it in the recipe of the Bloody Mary so everyone would have to buy it. But you done messed up, Lea & Perrins, because there’s no use-by date! Seinfeld pulls me aside like Bania, “You have fifteen minutes of Worcestershire sauce material, maybe you diversify? What’s the deal with soy sauce? If it’s soy, shouldn’t it be white?” Wanna feel really old, look at Mickey Moniak. He makes Christian Yelich look like a blue-hair. I’m sure Prospector Ralph will be along on Sunday to talk about the MLB Draft in total, but the Phils grabbed Mickey Moniak, an eighteen-year-old lefty who has a line-drive stroke. Said to have a high floor, which means low upside. Hey, he actually might be just like Christian Yelich, two brothers from nearly this millennial. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Wil Myers went 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homers as he hits .294. How many posts does Wil Myers have with his post-hype sleeper? More than the postman at the postoffice marking his post-lunch post-time with some extra postage licking and complaints that they have their postbaccalaureate to sort postcards without postcodes wishing they were postcoital not dealing with postapocalyptic posturing about the postage for the postmortem envelope they pulled out of the garbage that now looks postmodern. Nah’mean?! That’s 14 posts, kid! Damn, I should be on Def Poetry Jam. I know you wish there were some sleepers you could unswallow, but Myers has been the one shining light in a sea of brown, cloaked Padres. This could be the last year that he’s even a question mark and not owned from start to finish. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Albert Almora was called up yesterday by the Cubs, and he’s the latest barely in-his-20s, big-time Cubs prospect. Albert Almora also anagrams to Barrel T. Alamo, who’d be great as a San Antonian oil man villain. “Remember my wrath, Walker, Texas Ranger! Now hand me my seersucker suit, and, yes, I’m in my underwear because I just bedded your wife and daughter together. I dig holes for a living!” So, Almora’s up while Jorge Soler mends his broken hamstring, and Almora’s ready to get all that and a cup of coffee. Or is it bring Maddon a cup of coffee? Well, he’s here for his cup of coffee. And Maddon says he’ won’t play every day. And, Part II, And There’s More!, I still grabbed him in two leagues. He’s basically a young Dexter Fowler. I will call him Dexter Chick. In Triple-A, he had 3 HRs, 10 SBs, .318 average in 55 games. He could see action here and there, and might provide a few steals. In most leagues, he’s not worth grabbing yet, unless you’re like me and can’t resist rookie nookie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did I just get something from nothing? Because Justin Upton is nothing, and I got something yesterday — 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). Therefore, hence, Argo the movie, vis-a-vis, I got something from nothing. Take that all of you non-believers! And you said he would never come around to be worth that top 25 pick. I pfft on you. A big fat pfft. Come here, accept my pfft. I got one good game from him out of 57! Holy schnikeballs, I got only one good game from my 2nd rounder? Please, neighbor’s cat, don’t confuse me for a ball of yarn as I curl up in a ball and sob. Please, stop tapping me with your paw. I am not a ball of yarn. So, can Upton turn it around? I believe he can. At least moderately. Last year, he hit two homers and .196 in June and .162 in July. And you still drafted him this year, so apparently you don’t care about two-month slumps. In 2014, he had a month of .226 with 3 HRs and a month of .169 with 3 HRs. This year in April, he had a 38% strikeout percentage, 34% in May and 22% in June. He’s already seeing the ball better. If he finishes June with 6 homers and .259, then hit .343 in May, would you be shocked? Well, you shouldn’t be, because those were months he did last year when he also had two sub-.200 months. Upton gets awful for months; it’s what he does. He also gets hot for months. Unfortunately, the slump months came to start the season so it was more pronounced. Pronounced specifically as: Gäd, h? s?ks. And, remember, it takes the Uptons a while to adjust to new leagues. It took Melvin Upton three years and a first name change to adjust to the NL. Hopefully, this is the start of something so Justin doesn’t have to resort to being Melvin Upton Jr. Jr. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
James Shields was traded to the White Sox for Erik Johnson and Fernando Tatis Jr. I remember well his father, Fernando Tatis Jr. (yes, they are both juniors; not at all confusing). I remember Tatis because he was the reason back in 2000, I said on my Geocities site, Fantasy Baseball and Neon Green Backgrounds, the following, “The Cardinals won’t bring up Albert Pujols because they have Fernando Tatis. Let’s just be grateful we made it through Y2K with all of our AOL emails intact. I got this forward from my uncle that is hilarious! Also, I think JC Chasez is easily the best singer in NSYNC. Justin Timberlake? More like Give-Me-A-Timberbreak!” Wow, that didn’t age well at all. So, the Padres finally listened to me and attempted to get younger. No idea about this Tatis; he’s so young he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet — and Carson Cistulli has a Wiki page longer than Harriet Tubman! Elsewhere, Erik Johnson becomes an NL-Only add, but his wonky control leaves him a streamer for now in mixed leagues. As for Shields, leaving Petco + aging pitcher who hasn’t looked great for over a year now = Aged Balsamic. Hmm, math’s off there, was supposed to equal risky bet for mixed leagues with increased win potential and decreased ratios. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Super Two’s time has come, finally. The rules for Super Two’s are as following: any player(s) that has not been called up previously or has been called up previously but has more than and less than 180 service time days. Service time days are counted backwards from 180 and if you get to 75 before you fall asleep, their service time has started. Players who have Scott Boras call the management of the player’s team about service time will not have their service time start. If Boras does not call, but his assistant does call, then service time does not start, unless the commissioner, Our Manfred, has to call Boras back directly. Then service time counts two times as fast or the player has to pitch or hit at a rate of 12 frames per second, which is fast motion. Of course, I have no idea when A.J. Reed or anyone else will be called up! No one does! Teams themselves can’t figure out Super Two. Delegates vs. super delegates is less confusing, but, obviously, also less important. Leave it to Major League Baseball to give you the most arcane rules possible. Reed hasn’t been tearing up Triple-A, but neither has Tyler White in the majors, and the Astros are committed to winning, and winning means trying Reed. Even if he hasn’t killed Triple-A, it doesn’t mean he won’t hit well in the majors, and he has big-time power. Now is the time to grab him in every league, his Super Two thing that no one understands is just about to happen! (So, was he a Super One before? Jesus, can’t someone just say everyone becomes eligible to be called up on June 1st? Would that be too hard?) Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You wanna know frustration? Of course, you do. You play fantasy baseball! We’ve chosen a hobby that is the least relaxing hobby possible. May as well have a hobby of picking cheese off mousetraps. If the mousetrap doesn’t smash your finger, you win. What do you win? A virtual trophy! Oh, and bragging rights. Awesome! Okay, wanna really know frustration? Wait to see how Dusty uses Trea Turner upon his call-up. This is gonna be so fun! Will Lloyd’s of London insure the ulcers of all Trea Turner owners? Yesterday, he was called up to replace Ryan Zimmerman, who went on paternity leave. So, unless Zimmerman’s wife takes as long as he does to get hot, I’m assuming Zimmerman will be back in three days tops. At that point, Turner will stay with the club and play, stay and get benched or get demoted again. If he stays with the club, do you think Dusty is going to play him over Espinosa? Well, he could. I guess. “So, how do you play this mousetrap game again?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Felix Hernandez hit the DL with a calf strain. He could veal it during his last start. Sounds like a good injury to milk. Sorry, I was just shaking out the pockets of these jeans I wore last night and I had a bunch of unused cow puns. What’s a dad cow’s poop called? Pa-nure! Take it, Highlights, it’s yours! So, James Paxton was called up to replace F-Her, who is likely going to only miss a few weeks, but Paxton could continue to get starts if he’s good. So, can Paxton be good? Is there’s twelve posts in post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper? Paxton has shown flashes of brilliance with his 94 MPH fastball but the M’s have wanted Paxton to improve on a bunch of pitches and he’s already 27 years old, so is improvement coming? Well, he had a 3.97 ERA in Triple-A this year and Steamer projects him as a streamer, so I have no faith whatsoever. Speaking of faith, yesterday Paxton gave up runs like his character gave out marriage proposals. Looking at his line is like looking at Chloe Sevigny — 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 unearned runs. Paxton’s like when Picasso stood up from the toilet. He’d look down and say, “That’s a work in progress.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?