Maybe Arod and Mark Teixeira can double date with Madonna and Sheryl Crow. Latino Blanco Twin powers activate — form of a mild salsa! Form of a Tequiza tequila-flavored beer! Form of a Chardonnay Sangria! The Yanks sign Teixeira, figuring it would be easier than letting him sign with the Nationals and then buying the entire team.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In our series of 2009 fantasy sleepers, I take a detour down my own personal Heartbreak Hill. Anyone who has read this site for a few knows I had a huge crush on Alex Gordon going into the 2008 season, so it’s with great regret I must confess, “Gordon, I can’t quit you.” That’s right, I’m pegging Gordon as a fantasy sleeper for the 2009 season. Real shame I’m a moron, huh? I wanted to ignore Gordon in 2009, but I just couldn’t. When Katy Perry sang, “You’re yes then you’re no… You’re in then you’re out… You’re up then you’re down… We fight, we break up… We kiss, we make up…” She was prolly talking about me and Alex Gordon. I’m Josh Hamilton and Gordon’s my crack cocaine. You reap what you sow and Gordon has dibbled his way into my heart. Whoever started the Brian Shouse Fan Club, I hereby hire you to do a similar site for Alex Gordon. I will pay you in adulation and expired cigarette coupons. So what can we expect from Gordon for 2009 and why is he a fantasy sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, the Final Jeopardy answer is 107/40/118/.302/8. Do do do do do do do do… doot do do do do do do… What is Bill James predicting Chris Davis will do in 2009? That’s correct! “What is Bill James smoking?” would have also been accepted. Those numbers look a lot like MVP numbers. I’ll shave my ‘stache if Chris Davis wins the MVP in 2009. That’s right, I said it! Marcel Projections have Chris Davis in 2009 at 54/16/55/.288/3. Our 2009 Fantasy Baseball Projections, which is using only the Marcel Projections as of right now, has Chris Davis at -3.23 in 313th place. Between Akinori Otsuka and Tom Gordon, one guy who didn’t pitch last year and another guy who hasn’t pitched well since Stephen King wrote a book about him. And I think Stephen King gave up writing books to write for EW ten years ago. There’s got to be some in between with these projections, doesn’t there?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Colby Rasmus goes by the nickname Razz or Razzle-Dazzle, which should make him a favorite here at Razzball, but there’s something pricky about him that I don’t like. Might be the name, Colby. It sounds like a total douche name, like a character’s name in a Bret Easton Ellis novel. (Speaking of douche, I have two things to say. First, I went to the original Dollar Store the other day. No, not some weird field trip. Like, “Hey, honey, you wanna go check out the very first Dollar Store?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Heyward, besides having the surname of a 1930s matinee idol, has the mitts of a Yeti and the sturdies (<– that’s legs) of Frank Thomas. His man gams are 117% oak. You thought Jay Bruce could fight crime? Heyward just saved your life and you didn’t even know you were in danger.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other day a Razzball reader, Tim L., contacted me about mocking his fantasy baseball keeper league.
I just wanted to say I’m a huge fan of your site. I think you do a fantastic job and have great analysis (as well as it being very funny). The reason I’m writing you is that my 10 team long time keeper league is looking for a celebrity expert to mock the first 2 rounds of our 2009 draft. It’s a typical 5 X 5 Roto and all the information (keepers, roster sizes, innings limit) is neatly organized. We wouldn’t be expecting a write up on each pick, just the picks. We have been together as a group a long time and everyone is excited about some expert analysis during this long off season. My league is well aware of your site and are regular visitors. I understand you are a busy guy but perhaps you would have some time in the next few months. If you would, please let me know. Our group would be thrilled.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rafael Furcal returns to the Braves, which can’t be a good thing for 2009 fantasy baseball owners. I mean, it can, but it probably won’t be. This move will have people slightly too excited about Furcal. Then you throw in his great April in 2008 — hitting .357 with 5 home runs and 8 steals in only 36 games. Again, this could lead to unrealistic expectations. 36 games does not a season make. Don’t think Furcal has a .350+ average in his tuba case. He doesn’t. Last year, Furcal had a BABIP of .380 in April. A number that would’ve came down if he played the rest of the season, leading Furcal to be the .285 hitter he is.Please, blog, may I have some more?
While regurgigating Jobacum, I mentioned Gamel is a lot like Ryan Braun. All hit, no field. In Single-A ball in 2007, Gamel made 53 errors in 128 games. In that post, I said that he plays 3rd like Jenny McCarthy at a celebrity All-Star game, but I think I was overestimating his glove work. Kenny Mayne might be a better comparison. Last year Gamel cut his errors to 30, but still led Double-A with the most errors by a third baseman. Oh Gamel, you’ve done it again! If he could just get to the big leagues as a third baseman, his bat will be one to own in fantasy. But can he help your fantasy baseball team in 2009?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m not sure if Jeff Kent will retire. I’m sure his wife doesn’t want him to retire because he seems like he’d be a miserable prick around the house. Why doesn’t this remote work?! She sighs, “You have to turn on the TV first.” Maybe he lands as a DH somewhere in the AL.Please, blog, may I have some more?