“Is this Men on the Move Moving Company? Great. I have a small problem. Okay, it’s not small. But it is a problem. I have a ‘hype sleeper’ sitting here and I’m trying to move sixteen posts in front of it. You can handle the job? That’s great! Can I get hyphens between each post too? I can? Wow, you guys are lifesavers.” *comes in to see* Hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-post-sleep-hyper. What the hell is this?! I wanted sixteen posts in front of hype sleeper! Not this gobbledygook! So, Taijuan Walker flashed some of that post16-hype sleeper business last night — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks — to lower his ERA to 4.28. It was an easy matchup (vs. Angels), but it still showed why year after year I keep going back to Walker. He is talented. Can anyone say seventeen posts for 2017? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Daniel Norris went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Deserved better than a no decision, but he’s 23 years old, making $500,000, so who cares what he deserves? I deserve equal pay for cracking jokes about fantasy baseball for six months! *marching with a picket sign* Sign reads: BLOGGER = Better Living-wage Or Gainful Gifts, Earnings, Reimbursements *pull back to reveal I’m marching in my underwear with my dog humping my leg* Stop, Ted! I’m trying to make a point! So, Norris looked terrific, but he’s had a vexing season. Vexing, I tell ya! He was put in middle relief after a back problem that sidelined in the spring, then he returned and was almost immediately sidelined with an oblique problem. Why do we care? Well, I wrote a sleeper post about him last year, saying, “He’s a sleeper, because he’ll likely be drafted late since he appears to be a year away, and, sadly, he might not just appear to be a year away, but he might actually be a year away, though he might appear to be a year away and not be a year away. I’m the Grand Champion of putting “year away” in one sentence, by the way. Norris is a pure upside play. He could be a 4+ ERA guy that bounces between the rotation, the bullpen and the minors or a 2.75 ERA guy with truckloads of Ks.” And that’s me quoting me! I quote that, because I was exactly right (I couldn’t have been wrong since I hedged more than Sonic) and for 2017 I’m going to like Norris for the exact same reasons while being a year closer. Dot dot dot. To getting a living wage! I’m Norma Rae! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how people write stuff on a grain of rice. With that in mind, on Rich Hill‘s blister this is written, “Took a whole lot of tryin’ to get up that Hill — R.I.P. Sherman Hemsley. I can’t believe I not only had room on this grain for an inspirational quote, but also room to attribute the quote to the wrong person and to also add in this meta comment about my inspirational quot–” Damn, he wasn’t able to fit everything. That’s the worst. That’s like when you’re writing a birthday card to someone and you start writing a note only to get to the end and need to start writing super-tiny and curved to fit it in. And that’s not the first time you’ve heard your curve is super-tiny. Rich Hill was perfect on Saturday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 9 Ks — but, to be honest, Hill has been perfect for the last two years (though only 29 IP last year). This year, 1.80 ERA, 0.96 WHIP with a 10.4 K/9 and 1.74 ERA over the past two years. So, ya know, your usual ace you get about 120 IP from. For 2017, it’s going to be hard to rank him much below the top 25 with the caveat that you’re only getting him for three to four months. Makes you wish rice grains were just a tad bigger to fit all of the superlatives on there for Rich Hill. Know what I mea– Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“What about Asdrubal? Asdrubal, Cron, Buxton, Peraza, Morales and Puig? Puig, Morales, Asdrubal, Buxton and Morales? Have I already mentioned Morales? What about Puig? What about Cron? WHAT ABOUT CRON?! Hardwiring is smoking! I think I’m overheating! Don’t throw water on me, I’ll short circuit!” It’s too late. As the water hits the Fantasy Master Lothario’s mainframe, a sickening mix of smoke and sizzle expels from his metal joints. He staggers to a pole and places his metal hand down. With one last flicker, he looks up with his metallic, blue eyes and asks hopefully, “Is Puig facing a lefty?” And shuts down. The metal pole he placed his hand on wasn’t just any pole, it hung Old Glory. As if the ghost of George Washington himself was a fan, the American flag lowers onto the Lothario’s shoulders, draping him like a metal Kid Rock. If only people would’ve just picked up C.J. Cron! My one major quibble with Cron — Or is it queef? I always confuse those two. — is Cron going to have The Sciosciapath try to outsmart the universe and start benching one of the hottest hitters? Not even the Sciosciapath can answer that, for he does not know what his brain tells him to do. Plus, he’s crazy. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, just wanted to say a huge fantasy football announcement is coming in the next few days. Let’s just say it sounds like Stream-o-Nator, but it’s got a football vibe to it. And it’s less lonely. Oh, Stream-o-Nator so lonely! I wonder if the Stream-o-Nator and Hitter-Tron ever tried to date. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Stephen Strasburg‘s MRI revealed a flexor strain, which is about the best news they could’ve hoped for. It’s also likely not-true news. Teams say all kinds of things; the truth is one of them, but it’s not always said. I’ll tell you the truth, I have no idea if the Nats are telling the truth. Gotta take their word for it, which means he’s droppable in redraft leagues, but he doesn’t need serious surgery so should be fine for 2017 and keepers. That’s until next year when his inverted W stands once again for wince. By the way, why is the inverted W not just called an M? Can anyone please answer me this? It hurts my brain. I’m gonna take a nap. *intern blows airhorn* I’m up, I’m up, let’s do the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Maybe it was the food poisoning I had yesterday, but I had a dream Toomgis, the AM/PM mascot, and I were driving around talking about September baseball. It feels like half the teams are either resting regulars for the playoffs, or the other teams that are out of it are resting regulars to give rookies a chance. Those are the matchups you need to capitalize on with starting pitchers. By the way, Toomgis is so obvious a creation of stoned creatives. It’s a collection of stoner food and Toomgis stands for ‘Too Much Good Stuff.’ Um, okay, but there’s an I in there. Stoner creative, “Eye-shmeye, we just need to move on before I eat our prototype.” One more Toomgis point, how is this not Colorado’s national bird? Any hoo! So, with this matchups point hidden amongst my fracking in on Toomgis, we have Jharel Cotton capitalizing. In his first major league start, 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Jharel Cotton makes me think of Faye Dunaway in a heavy Southern accent saying, “I shall avert my eyes.” Cotton showed good control in the minors, and solid Ks, but in redraft leagues, you’re more worried about matchups this time of year. For 2017, Cotton idolized Pedro Martinez and I can see why. He’s five-eleven soaking wet (but I’m not sure people get taller when wet). He also relies on the speed of the fastball and the break of the change. A change that might carry him to glory, as soon as next year. In keepers, I’d be very interested. For this year, go with Toomgis’ advice on matchups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Holy shizzballs. That’s not the Urban Dictionary definition of shizzballs either, which is when you shizz your grapes. That’s shizzballs as in this is the greatest display of sexiness since a young Kim Cattrall was featured in a window display. Brian Dozier is doing more for the long ball than any old man with shizzballs could ever imagine. That’s back to the original definition of shizzballs. Right now, Dozier is the exact perfect moment when your 12-year-old self pressed the buttons perfectly together on the old cable box and unscrambled Playboy TV at its best, with a perfectly scrolled, snowy version of Naughty Candid Camera. Trying to cover, when being caught, “It’s Allen Funt, mom. Uh…Maybe that’s not an F on the front of his last name.” Yesterday, Brian Dozier hit three more homers — 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .279 — and now has 38 homers on the year, and is easily leading the entire majors for homers in the 2nd half with 24 homers. For 2017, he’s going to be tough to peg, due to his inflated HR/FB% and falling line drive rate, but he doesn’t look much worse than a 25 HR/15 SB guy, which still has value. For this year, obviously you ride the lightning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not quite as spiritually moving as John Lennon, but imagine for a moment Jose Abreu were to actually put together two solid halves in the same year. “Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try. No ‘He’ll end up below Andrus,’ for half the year. Above Andrus only this Jose guy. Imagine Abreu playing a decent, full season like today. Aha-ha… Imagine there’s no countries. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to drop or trade for, and no ‘Abreu’s so cold it’s like this hell has a fridge in it’ too. Imagine all the people living to get a piece of…Abreu… You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one! I hope some day Abreu’ll be better than Andrus, and play an entire season as one.” So, Jose Abreu hit two homers yesterday (3-for-7, 7 RBIs, and 21st and 22nd HRs), and he’s been great recently, but it’s hard to get that excited about a guy for 2017 who invariably takes three months off every year. Can’t imagine he’s a top 25 player ever again. You-WHO-OOH! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When I was younger, I played for a Little League team, the Teaneck Yankees, our manager, who went simply by the name John Doe, would spend most of his days stealing the other teams’ signs, but when he gave us advice, through a translator hired by our sponsor, Halliburton, he’d say, “The most important function of the baseball hitter is to get the base. The second most important function of the baseball hitter is to get the WMDs.” I searched Fangraphs for a stat abbreviated WMDs but wasn’t able to find one. Walk-Off Moonshot Dingers? Windup Mechanics Delivery? Weapons of Mass Ducksnorts? Whatever the case, I want to focus on Coach Doe’s first function, get the base. Since the All-Star break, there’s been few hitters who are getting the base like Ender Inciarte. In that time, he’s hitting .360 with 35 runs. That’s the 5th best average and 8th best runs. This is a guy who last year hit .303 in 524 ABs, so it’s not a fluke, or hirame if a sushi chef is reading. Will he give much power? Will a llama do a NY Times crossword? No, he won’t. But for average and runs, you can do much worse. Now, is it a coincidence that Coach Doe was a ringer for Saddam Hussein and you can’t spell Ender Inciarte without CIA? I don’t know. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I went over some September call-ups primer yesterday. It was written pretty smoothly. Meaning: I took a laxative and crapped out a post. I’m a modest man of modest means. What can I say? Everyone wants Yoan Moncada all over their fantasy shizz. Some of y’all got Tom Murphy on the brain. Others of you are wondering about Jose De Leon and how his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-uncle’s quest for the Fountain of Youth was shorter than the time it took the Dodgers to call Jose up. None of you are interested in Byron Buxton. Been there, eff that. I hear you, prematurely balding internet friend. He’s all served us a steak that later turned out to be tofu that left us scrubbing our tongues with our fingernails. All the way back in March, Buxton was still considered a sure-fire, can’t miss prospect. I think he still is. Not everyone takes the path of least resistance. For unstints, I saw a video of a McNugget on Twitter that showed much resistance. Yesterday, Buxton went 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and I would grab him in all leagues looking for A) Spark. B) Speed. C) No C. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?