Nomar Mazara was ownable for a good part of this past year in all redraft leagues. He waned a little towards the end of the year, but, as a rookie, Mazara had 20 homers and hit .266, which is more than respectable. What does this have to do with Lewis Brinson? Glad you asked, Clunky Segue Question. Lewis Brinson was ranked higher than Nomar Mazara in the Rangers’ minor league system entering last season. Then Lewis Brinson and Luis Ortiz were sent to the Brewers in a midseason Lucroy trade. By the way, Luis/Lewis is the Spanish version of tomato-tomahto. Brinson above Mazara though, well, interjection, that makes me say hmm… That’s interesting, because, like Mary J. Blige, I have real love for Mazara. So, I went to look at tape of Brinson and now I’m typing this with my drool.
Can a guy already feel like a bust before losing his rookie eligibility? With the help of A.J. Reed, I’m going to say yes. Already post-hype prospect while still being a rookie? Already past his prime at 23 years old? Reed is accelerating expectations, which isn’t nearly as good as exhilarating expectations. It’s actually much worse. Like a barista who can’t make foam worth a damn, Reed was a first cup of coffee flop. Could it have been nerves or did we overestimate his potential? In 2015, Reed hit 34 HRs across High and Double-A with an average north of .335. Then, last year in Triple-A, he hit 15 HRs and .291 in half a season. He averaged about five homers per month with a solid average, which translates to 30 HRs and .270 in the majors, with all things being almost equal. “With All Things Being Almost Equal” sounds like one of the dozen of books written by Dave Eggers that no one has read. “Oh my God, I love Dave Eggers!” “Have you read anything by him after his debut book?” “God no.” That is every conversation about Eggers since 2002. Okay, off track! Anyway, what can we expect from A.J. Reed for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jameson Taillon threw 104 IP last year and had a 3.38 ERA with a microscopic 1.5 BB/9 and an it’ll-play 7.4 K/9 coming off his 94 MPH fastball. I love Taillon. I can’t wait to draft him on every 2017 fantasy baseball team. Oh, the days will be fun when I can, said Grey sipping Cognac from a Pirate helmet snifter. Yet, said with a megaphone, I CAN’T FIND ANYONE THAT DOESN’T THINK TYLER GLASNOW IS MUCH BETTER. Like Taillon is a three, maybe two — it’s very hard to be a ten with a flat curve — and Glasnow is a bona fide ace. Together they do sound like a wrestling team Rowdy Roddy Piper (RIP) tried to get over, saying they were from Scotland. “Glasnow is close to Glasgow and Jameson Taillon doesn’t need any work to sell. I mean, Taillon is the chain hanging the metal medallion from a kilt and Jameson’s whiskey. Nuff said.” That was McMahon pitching the idea to Roddy in the 80s. On last midseason’s top 100 prospects by Prospector Ralph, Glasnow was 2nd overall. Prospector Ralph once took an 8×10 of Andrew Benintendi into a hot tub and asked his wife to give him ten minutes. And PR put Glasnow above Benintendi! Prospector Ralph once wore a Red Sox eye patch for a week, walking around saying, “My name is Yoan Moncada, you killed my father, prepare to die.” And Glasnow is above Moncada! So, maybe ETAs played into that ranking a tad bit — by the way, Tad Bit wanted to be a porn actor, but didn’t have the stuff — but Glasnow is obviously well-loved. Other places you look, Glasnow has similar fervor. Or, if Peggy Lee is reading, you give me fervor. Anyway, what can we expect from Tyler Glasnow for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hehe, I’m crazy for Rockies players. You know why, so don’t play coy, though your baby blues are kinda cute when you’re playing coy. Okay, play coy, walk to the end of the bar and look back and wink. What the hell are you doing?! I was being facetious! Ugh, now I have to imagine you give me the looksies! By the way, speaking of someone giving you the looksies, but not for good, but rather for evil. I was at my local coffee place the other day, and, it was early, and I needed my coffee to function, and I was likely in the wrong, but that’s neither here nor there. So, you know how the fancy coffee places have the lids by the garbage rather than putting them on? I get my coffee and I head over for a lid. A girl that was at the lid station backs up right as I get there and I narrowly avoid her and slide in to the garbage ledge by the lids. Pretty slick maneuver, if I do say so. However, it turns out by doing that I cut in front of a little person who had a steaming hot cup of coffee and also wanted to get a lid. So, he stares at me like he wants to kill me and I say, “What?” Well, that sets him off from zero to hundred and he starts screaming, “WHAT?! WHAT?!” Repeatedly. And all I see is his cup of coffee potentially being thrown in my face, so I say, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” And I think he took this to mean he was so short I couldn’t have saw him, so he starts cursing at the top of his lungs and staring me down until an employee of the coffee place steps between us. Yes, I nearly got into an altercation with an angry little person at 7:30 AM on a Saturday. Offseason! So, like I was saying, Rockies players, rawr! Today’s special installment is about Raimel Tapia. He was called up this past year in September, which is obviously a less angry cup of coffee. He saw 38 ABs, hit .263 and stole three bases. This is not the last we’ve seen of him! Actually, it was the first. Anyway, what can we expect from Raimel Tapia in 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
More guys this year than any other year just fell below 130 ABs, the Rookie of the Year threshold that I use for these fantasy baseball rookie outlook post-ma-whosies. Dansby Swanson, Josh Bell, A.J. Reed, dot dot dot, well, I guess that’s it, but still that’s a lot from what I remember, though, to be fair, it’s not like ‘how many guys just fell short of losing rookie eligibility’ is something I’d remember from past years. Though, there might be something to a guy being on a team for 45 games and losing rookie eligibility which could be Dansby and Reed, but that’s not the criteria I use. This is more pedantic than an employee meeting at the Apple Store to tell employees that they are now to call the store “Apple” and not “Apple Store.” (The preceding was an actual Apple employee discussion from what I heard. I’d tell you who told me but then that Apple employee would be killed. They don’t play.) So, onto Josh Bell. Why does he sound so familiar? His name rings a…what’s the word for one of those clangy things? I’m having a brain… What’s it called when you poop air? Oh, I know, he’s one of the top Pirate hitter prospects who came up this year and hit a grand slam in his 2nd career at-bat as a pinch hitter. A pinch hitter because C*nt Hurdle kept going with John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt at 1st base. Why call up Bell when they had no intention of playing him? Will Bell play? Let’s segue this bizzatch into the 2nd paragraph… Anyway, what can we expect from Josh Bell for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how when one girl isn’t into you, you date another girl that is a slightly lesser version of the previous girl? With that in mind, as the World Series winds down, Joe Buck will be seen dating Dan Vogelbach. Late night, when no one is around, Joe Buck will still look at pictures of Kyle Schwarber, but Vogelbach is the only one that will call him back. Then you know Dan Vogelbach and Joe Buck are going to get into some huge blow out at the mall that is going to go like this, “You don’t even love me! You love Kyle Schwarber!” Joe Buck will step against a wall, lowering his head, saying, “You’re right. I can’t lie anymore.” Ugh, such heartbreak! So, should we be excited about Schwarber multiplied by 1/2? Mini Schwarber? Kyle Nickelback? There’s talk Vogelbach can’t play a position, but he’s penciled in as the starting 1st baseman for the Mariners as of right now, so *raspberries lips* to having no position. He’s always done nothing but hit for power in the minors: 23 HRs in Triple-A, while being somewhat of an Adam Dunn donkey-type. Power, no average and a high OBP. He hasn’t yet earned the nickname Ridonkey, but I really want to give that name to someone, so show me something, Kyle Nickelback! Anyway, what can we expect from Dan Vogelbach for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tom Murphy might be the first guy who can get a rookie outlook post, a sleeper post and an overrated post. Allow me to explain. Got it? Sorry, after I said “Allow me to explain,” I muttered the reasons to myself and forgot to write them down. As they say in Latin America, mea culpa. Allow me to explain while writing. He has under 130 ABs in the majors, so he qualifies for a rookie post. Easy peasy on that. A lot of people who play in leagues where their leaguemates only read Yahoo or ESPN are going to see huge sleeper value on Tom Murphy. I bet he’s not drafted at all in some friends & family leagues or just drafted super late. ESPN and Yahoo will drop the ball on Tom Murphy. It’s guaranteed. He’s not the kind of guy they highlight. Could me saying this move the needle? Maybe in Yahoo, but no way in ESPN. Yahoo is a bit more seat-of-the-pantsy; I’m currently recalling Dee Gordon’s rookie year when he was ranked in the top 50 overall at Yahoo even though he didn’t have a starting job. ESPN, on the other hand, they’re conservative to the point of boring. Carlos Beltran will be ranked ahead of Murphy. I will bet you major fake dollars on that. Now, why is Tom Murphy also going to be overrated in some leagues? Because Murphy’s the type of player that fantasy baseballers (<– my mom’s term!) love to hype up so much they become overrated by the time some drafts come around. I.e., he’ll start around 220 overall in drafts, inch up to 175, then to 150, then to 125, finally, in some leagues people will be drafting him around 75-100 by the end of March. This is obviously goofy, but there might be some value in him still at 150 overall, depending on how this next paragraph goes. (What a segue!) Anyway, what can we expect from Tom Murphy for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I have a predilection for highlighting fantasy baseball rookies that are of the hitter variety, and less so of the pitching type. I will also say I don’t 100% trust anyone that uses the word predilection in everyday conversation. They sound like they have a pedo-lection. Stretch a Home Depot slide ruler out 500 feet and talk to me from there. “What’s that? Having a hard time hearing you. No, don’t come within 500 feet of me. Thanks. Why? Because you used the word predilection.” Pitchers are just so flaky. Last year, Michael Fulmer, with little-to-no fanfare, was a top 30 starter for all of fantasy as a rookie. If you predicted that, you’re a liar or a time traveller. Mean’s while, Giolito had a 6.75 ERA in 21 1/3 IP. How was Corey Kluber in the minors? How was Arrieta? The list goes on with pitchers that weren’t great in the minors that broke out in the majors. Then on the opposite side of things, great pitching prospects who reached the career levels of Nadir Bupkis. In regards to this, there’s actually a well-worn acronym by Baseball Prospectus that is TINSTAAPP, which is There Is No Such Thing As A Pitching Prospect. So, this is the 2nd year in a row I’ve gone to the Lucas Giolito well, well (stutterer!), he deserves it. Here’s what I said last year, “Before watching the video on Lucas Giolito, I looked at his vitals. This is something I don’t usually do. Doesn’t really matter to me if a guy is six-foot-one or five-ten. But, dizzamn, Giolito is a strapping young man, huh? He’s listed at six-six and 230. He’s only 21 years old, but I think he’s done growing. Hopefully, cause his mom tells CBS Sports that his “feet already hang off the bed.” With a six-six frame, as you can imagine, he throws fast. (Christall Young is the exception that proves the rule, which never made any sense to me. If it’s an exception, how does it prove anything? It proves that there’s exceptions, but that’s about it, right? I’m gonna move on before my brain hurts in my thought-nodes.) Giolito hits 97 MPH on his fastball, which is actually up a tick from the previous year. If he keeps steadily increasing his fastball every year, by the time he’s 40 years old, he’s going to be throwing 117 MPH. He throws from nearly right over the top, so the ball fires downhill and hitters have no chance of hitting it. A 9+ K/9 seems to be a given once he gets settled in the majors. In 20 years, Al Pacino could be playing the role of a Hall of Fame pitcher in the film, Giolito’s Way. Assuming Pacino has eighteen-inch stilettos.” And that’s me quoting me! Anyway, what can we expect from Lucas Giolito for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s super fun to put all our prospect eggs in C*nt Hurdle’s basket, isn’t it? A basket of desirables, if you will. “I’m sorry I said that deplorables comment in my one unguarded moment all campaign. It won’t happen again,” and with that — beep-beep-booooop — Hillary-bot powered down. Up front, I’m going to get out of the way the biggest drawback for Austin Meadows. I don’t think he has an everyday job unless Andrew McCutchen gets hurt or traded. “Why you gots to prospblock me, yo?” That’s Austin Meadows. Or maybe Meadows sneaks in if the same injury fate befalls Gregory Polanco or Starling Marte, but I don’t be-fault you for thinking McCutchen gets moved or nothing happens with Meadows in 2017. Shoot (not you, Raylan Givens!), Meadows may not see a full-time job until 2019 when he’ll still only be 24. That obviously would be a waste of his talent, but I’m talking real world circumstances and you have Hurdle and the hurdle of McCutchen’s contract going through to 2018. Sure, maybe McCutchen gets moved to a corner outfield slot, but then what? Marte moves to center and Meadows is still without a job. Does this all sound like it’s leading up to a fun 2017 projection for Meadows? Or put more segue-y… Anyway, what can we expect from Austin Meadows for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s what I said when Dansby was first called up, “True or false: A) Dansby Swanson is famous for being Ted Knight’s caddy in Caddyshack. B) Starting a meme at his frat house in Arizona where he’d put his checkered pants on a cactus with the caption, “I’m thirsty, yo.” C) There’s no C. D) All the above. E) Was drafted a second ago by the Diamondbacks 1st overall, then traded to the Braves for the fellow WASP, Shelby Miller, and all-around terrible pitcher. If you answered D) All the above, how did you know what all the above was before reading E? Also, it was a true or false quiz, what the hell is all of the above?! So, Dansby Swanson is being called up by the Braves just in time, no lie, for their series against the Diamondbacks. Dayum. Hello, wounds, here’s your salt. In Prospector Ralph’s midseason top 100 prospects, Dansby was 22nd overall, right by Willie Calhoun, who totally tanked Mike Dukakis’ campaign. Swanson is a 22-year-old that was a’ight in Double-A (8 HRs, 6 SBs, .261 in 84 games).” And that’s me quoting me! None of that no longer applies. Kidding! Imagine I did that shizz. Here’s what I said previously, read it, then forget it. Nah, it still applies which is why I quoted it. I mean the WASP part, Caddyshack part, there’s no C and Dukakis name-drop likely won’t come into play, but the other elements are applicable. Okay, the other parts are about 5% of the quote I said that was applicable. Sue me! Which is also what a male transitioning to a female says, “Sue me!” Anyway, what can we expect of Dansby Swanson for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?